Wrestling in a Bottle: You Sold Out
Submitted by Snapple on Saturday, March 20, 2004 at 6:09 PM EST



"You sold out! You sold out!"

It's a chant I will forever associate with Wrestlemania 20. Throughout all of my columns, I try to stay positive. Even if I dislike what the WWE product is doing, I always say that I will continue to watch because it has the potential to get better. The WWE has the best roster it's ever had. I have thought that there's nothing that could ever make me stop watching wrestling, even if it does get to the point where I'm only watching out of habit. Last Sunday, as I sat by myself watching Wrestlemania, for the first time since I started watching wrestling, I doubted my commitment. I started seriously considering that I don't want to watch wrestling anymore. As I sat there watching, it didn't even feel like Wrestlemania. I realized that most of the feuds and matches were hardly the stuff that most Wrestlemanias are made of. Furthermore, every single match until the main event had something terribly wrong with it. In fact, if it weren't for the main event, right now you would being reading my latest column, entitled "I hate wrestling." I am very serious about that. Even though I was ecstatic that Benoit became champion, the WWE is in serious, serious trouble right now.

I'm Snapple, and this is Wrestling in a Bottle.

Wrestlemania 20 in a Bottle

For some reason, I feel compelled to mention that I haven't read anyone else's thoughts or reviews of Wrestlemania. This is all coming straight from my first impressions. Rather than my usual positive self, I am going to be brutally honest with every match. Pretty much every match except for the main event is going to get a bad review, so bear with me. I have also concluded that most people in that Madison Square Garden crowd were either smarts or Canadians, or both. You'll understand more as I write.

John Cena vs. Big Show

Why it sucked: This was a terrible choice for the hot opener. You have John Cena, who though he has improved since his debut, still pretty much sucks in the ring. Big Show, on the other hand, I have been quite impressed with the past year or so. He's improved noticably from a talentless sack of shit to a carryable sack of... something. I don't want to say shit, because I like Show, but there's still only so much a 500 pound man can do. Unfortunately, John Cena is not the kind of man to carry Show. This match wasn't bad, but it wasn't good either. The match had no pace, and was a lot of restholds. The ending was also poorly paced and came off rather anticlimactically. Again, my biggest beef was, why did they make this the opener? Blech. My prediction was for Cena to win, and he did.

RAW Tag Title Match

Why it sucked: I'll be honest in that I missed part of this match. I had to take the dog out and also take out the trash. From what I did see, it was fairly dull. Of course, all the teams involved are pretty dull. I knew Booker and RVD would retain, because the RAW tag division is so poorly booked that nobody even looks like a contender anymore. RVD and Booker have no chemistry by the way. Kane and RVD at least had SOME chemistry. I'm convinced that Booker just doesn't care anymore, and so none of his matches are very good. It's a shame, too, because I like Booker. Hell, he's one of the only people in the last two years to carry Triple-H to a good match that DIDN'T involve a gimmick.

Chris Jericho vs. Christian

Why it sucked: The match itself didn't suck. It was pretty good, although there was one botched spot. If there's one person who is willing to sell for Christian and make him look like a star, it's his friend Jericho. I think this was one of the three best matches of the night, although it really wasn't good enough to deserve that accolade. Rather, it was good by default, because so much else was crap. The only reason this match sucked was because Jericho lost. At this Wrestlemania, he should be getting a clean win over a main eventer, not jobbing to a lower-carder. I don't care if it was a "fluke" win. Jericho got a fluke loss to Steven Richards. Now he has a fluke loss to Christian at Wrestlemania. Soon he's going to be "fluking" his way down to HeAT permanently. I remember RD Reynolds of Wrestlecrap.com said many months ago that he would be highly disappointed if this storyline didn't result in Trish turning heel. Good call, Mr. Reynolds. I had kept that in mind as a viable option, but after Christian beat the living shit out of Trish, I thought SURELY she wouldn't switch sides now. Well, I was wrong, and Jericho has fallen further down the ladder. What's even sadder, is that who wants to bet this win will do nothing for Christian? Everyone's screwed.

Rock 'n Sock Connection vs. Evolution

Why it sucked: Oh, let me count the ways. First off, had I started booking this feud from scratch, I would have put Evolution over at Wrestlemania. Since Rock and Foley are both on the way out, it made sense to put over the new guys. Plus, I figured that Triple-H would never allow 3/4 of his stable to lose at Wrestlemania. Evolution rules RAW after all. Still, I predicted Rock 'n Sock would win. Why? Because the way the feud was booked, that was the only logical conclusion. Every single confrontation Foley has had with either Orton or Evolution, Evolution has come out on top. EVERY time. Foley is made out to look like a bitch, week in and week out, so logical booking says he should pull out the underdog win in the end, or he looks like a total joke. So, Evolution won, and Mick Foley will never look credible ever again unless he wins a rematch with Orton down the road.

That's only the first problem. The second problem is that this should've never been a tag match in the first place. The feud is Foley vs. Orton. That's all people cared about, and that was evident because of the silence whenever Batista was in the ring, and even the light boos when the Rock was fighting. The only time anyone cared was when Foley and Orton were duking it out, which wasn't nearly long enough. Tag matches are not suitable payoffs for singles feuds. I really liked the Foley-Orton feud, too. I really did.

The third problem was the talent in the ring. As sad as it is, the only passable wrestlers in that match were Orton and Flair. Batista sucks. He's always sucked, and that probably won't change for some time to come. Foley has taken a lot of effort to get himself in ring condition, and I appreciate that. However, you can't erase four years of ring rust just like that. Even Foley can't do that easily. The Rock is the worst of them all. He had the most action of anyone in the match, and he was terrible. Everytime he goes off to make a movie, he comes back a little bit worse. Hell, I thought he was bad in his last run, but now I WISH he were that bad. He's much worse this year, and he botched half of his own moves. Fuck you, Rocky. At least have enough respect for the business to spend a month or two down at OVW tuning up.

Torrie & Sable vs. Jackie & Stacy

Why it sucked: If I have to explain to you why this match sucks, you're not a wrestling fan. I have porn on my computer so that I don't have to sit through this crap. I predicted the winner correctly, but so what?

Cruiserweight Open

Why it sucked: Last month, Chavo Guerrero and Rey Mysterio had the best cruiserweight match in the WWE in about eight or nine months. It was a classic, in my opinion. For once, we got something more than the typical two minute cruiser matches on Smackdown! This month, we have the Cruiserweight Open, which features ten cruiserweights, all competing for one title. See, this is better. Instead of one two-minute match like on Smackdown!, we get ten one-minute matches strung together. That's the Cruiserweight Open, and it sucked just as bad it sounds. Sure, there were a few nice spots, but there were no "matches." It was just a mess, and a huge waste of good cruiserweights at that. Chavo got the win, as I predicted.

Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar

Why it sucked: This match put me in a bad mood more than any other. The crowd, which had been pretty quite all night, finally awoke, in a big way. The swerve is that they awoke not to cheer, but to BOO. Never in all my years have I seen fans have such utter disdain for an entire match, from beginning to end. I've seen fans call a match ending "bullshit" many times, but the fans didn't even want to like this match. They were too pissed at Brock. Even though the news was only a week old, the fans knew all about Brock leaving the WWE for the NFL. They had about five different chants just for booing Brock out of the WWE. The only two I remember right now are the typical "Na na na na" chant and the rather surprising "You sold out!" chant. Indeed, here we had two of the biggest main eventers in the company, in the culminating match of one of the highest profile feuds in the company. Yet, the entire feud, and the whole match were for nothing, because both of these big stars were to be gone the next day.

Goldberg was not without heat, too. He was also to be gone after Wrestlemania, and chants of "Goldberg sucks" and even "Boring" were heard throughout the match. When one of the biggest matches at Wrestlemania has a "boring" chant, you know something is very wrong, and I was quite frightened. Everyone said that Brock was leaving on good graces with the company or that maybe this story was a work. Of course, both of those theories were blown to shit when the WWE let Goldberg pin Brock cleanly. You KNOW that wasn't the original finish of the match, so don't even pretend like Brock wasn't just punished big time. Then on top of that, the entire match was no-sold when the referee stunnered both competitors after the match, making them both look incredibly stupid. Brock and Goldberg both got their ass handed to them by a retired wrestler. Wow.

To be honest, I don't even remember if the match was good or not. I was too fixated on the crowd reaction. Before Brock got stunnered, I watched him stand up, and he looked like her was seriously about to cry. The crowd of course responded by booing and chanting at him more, causing him to flip the bird at the crowd. I was waiting for him to do a shoot, seriously. I don't care what anyone else wants to say. I felt bad for Brock then, and I feel bad for Brock still. Brock did not "sell out." If Brock quits wrestling, he will never be as famous as he is right now. He doesn't even have a guaranteed job somewhere else. He was just tired of the bad writing and the nasty travel schedule. That should have sent a message to Vince. The writing IS bad, and the travel IS unfair. As a result, the WWE have now lost Smackdown!'s flagship wrestler, the man who has held that show up for over a year now. He didn't even get to leave his profession with a hug and thank-you, but with a stunner and the hatred of the fans. I hope that Brock is successful wherever he goes, and I hope that I get to see him wrestle again one day.

Yeah, the WWE is doomed.

Smackdown! Tag Title Match

Why it sucked: I could barely pay attention to this match. I was still upset over the previous match. I think it was a lot of the same as the RAW tag title match. Haas and Benjamin handled themselves well when they were in the ring. For some reason, I let myself listen to people online convince me that the WWE were trying to give Team Not-Angle a push, even though I was sure that Rikishi & Scotty would retain. In the prediction contest, I made a last second decision to list Haas and Benjamin as the winners instead of Kishi & Scotty. Yeah, I was stupid. I really need to stop second-guessing myself. The whole match was pretty cluster-fuckish, and I would've been happier with just a plain tag team match.

Victoria vs. Molly

Why it sucked: I've heard that "long hair is out" when it comes to what Vince thinks about wrestlers, but this is ridiculous. Molly had her head shaved, and now she's going to look horrible. Stay tuned for her upcoming new gimmick of a butch lesbian. I'm not discriminating, just trying to think like a WWE writer. Watch, they'll try to put a stereotypical gimmick on Molly, I guarantee it. I love Victoria, but it's just horrible what they did to Molly.

Eddie Guerrero vs. Kurt Angle

Why it sucked: I can't really say this match sucked that much. Moreso it just didn't live up to my expectations. To me, this was a dream match. However, the "feud" between Eddie and Kurt was handled terribly, not just because they went to the well with Eddie's "demons" yet again, but also because it barely got any time to build. The match itself was slowed down more than it should've been as well. I say "Fuck you" to the WWE's "Less is more" wrestling policy. I want high-end wrestling at Wrestlemania, and I know that Eddie and Kurt could've put on something better than what they did. The match was good, but it wasn't anything better than good, and that's a shame. At least Eddie won.

Undertaker vs. Kane

Why it sucked: This was one of the big problem matches with Wrestlemania this year. Of course we've all heard the rumors that Taker is set to squash the entire Smackdown! roster following Mania. Before I even knew this information, I said around the forums that I believed whoever came out on top of this feud would become world champion this year. Of course, I said "feud" and not "match" assuming that there would be a rematch at Backlash. Having now seen the match, I didn't realize that Kane would be made to look like a joke, and I believe that Taker is already to move on. The sad thing about this match is that now Kane's AND Taker's careers are on the verge on ruin. Allow me to explain.

Kane is obvious. This is a guy who was THE focus of RAW for months last year. His unmasking and subsequent heel turn took up entire shows, and not a whole lot ever came of it. He went right over RVD and Shane McMahon. Then in the months leading to Wrestlemania, it seemed like he couldn't even win a match anymore. Almost all of his matches ended in DQ, and the bigger focus in his feud with Undertaker became seeing the Undertaker return as the "deadman." Kane went from unstoppable monster to snivelling coward for no reason. The same sentiment was reflected in his match at Wrestlemania, which sucked by the way. Kane ran scared half the time, and generally got his ass kicked by Taker. For those who hadn't realized, Kane had yet to be pinned or submit in any way since his unmasking. He had an undefeated streak on his way to the main event, but all that came to a crashing halt. Kane once AGAIN jobbed to his brother, like he always does. As a result, I'm convinced he'll never become the world champion. Here I thought the WWE was finally rewarding Kane's loyalty to the company, but no.

Undertaker is also on his way to failure, no matter what Vince says. You know why? BECAUSE HE'S STILL A BIKER! You know, if Undertaker is going to no-sell half the wrestlers in the WWE and take the world title, I thought at LEAST he would have a cool gimmick while doing it. For months... MONTHS, the WWE has been trying to convince us that Undertaker was going back to his old gimmick. Let me explain something. Just because Undertaker sticks his tongue out and rolls his eyes, does not mean the fans are too stupid to notice he's dressed as a biker. The difference is now he's a biker without a bike, and he wears a hat to the ring. He's neither a biker nor a zombie. He's some sad, pathetic amalgamation of the two. He looked absolutely stupid trying to convince me or anyone else that he was anything different. Oh, and Taker has also started to let his hair grow out again. Except it's not very long yet, so he still has a mop top, like a big zombie biker Beatle. I wasn't sure if he was going to break out into a rendition of "I want to hold your hand" at any moment.

Kane is buried. Taker is finished. Vince will push Taker, and buyrates will plummet. I can see it all now. Everyone wins, except for the fans... and the wrestlers... and the sponsors... and the, well you get the idea.

Triple-H vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Benoit

This match did not suck. I am still baffled, to be quite honest. Everything about this match is mind-boggling, in both good and bad ways.

First of all, I still hold that making this match a triple-threat was very stupid. It watered down the idea of a championship match, which is between the two top people to prove who's the best.

Plus, Benoit's push has been sabotaged at every turn. He gets no mic time. He has to feud with Shawn Michaels, who steals his spotlight whenever they get together on screen. Benoit had a HORRIBLE year last year, booking-wise. Also, I will say what every internet writer is afraid to say. Benoit is not as over as he was a year ago. That's right, I said it. Benoit is not that over, BUT that isn't his fault. He used to be very over, until he was forced to job to everyone in sight, from Eddie to Rhyno to A-Train to John Cena to SEAN O'HAIRE. Then he was forced to take second-fiddle to John Cena as top face during his supposed "main event push" on Smackdown!

Also what's a little baffling is that despite the way that Michaels is more over than Benoit in every television appearance since the Royal Rumble, Benoit was by FAR more over than Michaels at Mania. Hell, Benoit was more over than Eddie, which is saying something, considering Eddie's current popularity. Michaels got a fair share of boos, which makes me again think the crowd was either smarts or Canadians. Yet, despite the bad booking year, despite Triple-H never having jobbed in a championship match at Mania before, despite not being as over on television, despite not being very big or very tall, Benoit won the match. Un-fucking-believable. Hey, I'm happy, but even I have no idea what the WWE is doing anymore.

One thing I will say is that the match itself was definitely the best of the night. Hell, it was the only match that made this Wrestlemania worth remembering, because it was damn good. Even Triple-H did well. Michaels did well. In fact, Michaels didn't do my biggest pet peeve of his, which is that he ALWAYS misses the first time he goes for the Sweet Chin Music. This time, he actually hit the superkick on Triple-H on his first attempt. Finally! That's probably the first time he's done that in a year. Later in the match, HBK hit one of the sickest superkicks I've ever seen from him to the side of Benoit's skull when he had Trips in the sharpshooter. I think that would've broken a normal man's neck. Instead of just taking turns pairing off, all three men really used the triple-threat stipulation to their advantage. First they'd double team then immediately turn on each other, or perhaps you'd think one guy was being singled, but then he swerved and hit someone else.

After the match, Eddie came out and hugged Benoit, which brought a smile to my face. The Radicalz are walking out of Wrestlemania as duel world champions. Just three months ago, I don't think anyone saw this coming anytime in the next million years.

Final Thought

I was going to do Ask Triple-H, but I really don't feel like it. Wrestlemania this year minus the main event seriously pissed me off. I never thought that would happen. I was looking forward to Wrestlemania and even defending the questionable card on the forums. I don't know what to say to the fans at the Garden that night. Oh wait, yes I do. Brock didn't "sell out." Maybe you need to look up the definition of selling out in the dictionary. People have a right to be upset for Brock quitting, but at least get your facts straight. Yeah, I'm negative this week. If even I can find it in me to get angry at wrestling fans, then there's a problem. If Benoit loses the world title back to Triple-H and Eddie gets squashed by a biker in a zombie hat, I think I may go back to considering giving up the WWE again. Think I'm bluffing if you wish, but I assure you I'm very serious.

As a final note, I'd like to say that every bit of this column before this sentence was written Sunday night. Having had a week to cool off, I feel less angry but still stand by my negative review of Wrestlemania. When the draft was announced on RAW, not only did it spark my interest, but it wasn't until then that I realized just how badly a redraft was needed. My interest it piqued temporarily. I'll wait until I see the results of the draft before I pass judgment. Until next week.

-Snapple

Send your feedback hurr. happydude5000@msn.com

Questions for Triple-H should have the phrase "Ask Triple-H" in the subject header.








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