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Submitted by Stanman on Friday, March 12, 2004 at 9:04 AM EST
NOTE FROM STANMAN: The following column was the winner of the LOP columns forum Column Of The Month Contest. Each month, the winner, or in this case, winners, gets to have one of his columns posted on the LOP main page. This month, we have Xanman and doublehelix with their column, Excuse The Aggravation. Send all feedback to Aggravators@hotmail.com. Enjoy! With doublehelix and XanMan But we start, unsurprisingly, with Wrestlemania XX. Helix, Wrestlemania is on Sunday and it is supposedly the "Greatest Sports Entertainment Spectacular of All-time". Any chance of this event living up to the hype and/or the billing? No. No it does not. I've honestly been trying to get caught up in Wrestlemania fever, and I just can't do it. Taker, Guerrero/Angle, CW Open, and a possible Benoit victory: That's all I care about. And that does not a sports entertainment spectacular make. Hell, one of those things may not even happen. To me, Wrestlemania is looking humdrum/so-so/yawn blah. As Winter so beautifully pointed out in the part of his column, Let It Snow, that actually discusses wrestling, Wrestlemania XVII had 4 ClassicX matches. While the Cruiserweight Open, Angle/Eddie, and the World Title Triple Threat match should all be awesome, I don't think there's potential to have a better all around show than the one 3 years ago. There's no way this will be the best PPV ever, especially since Bret's not on it at all and Austin's refereeing will fuck up Lesnar/Goldberg. And when you consider Cruiserweight matches are known for getting short-changed, it might be two awesome matches. There are some new HoF inductees in the WWE, and the most publicized is Pete...fucking...Rose. What do you think of this? I think Pete Rose should be in the baseball Hall of Fame, but what has he ever done in wrestling? Oh yeah, appeared twice at Wrestlemania and gotten tombstoned by Kane. Yeah, that's really Hall of Fame worthy. Actually, while I'm thinking of it: Fuck Pete Rose. Should he be in the MLB Hall? Yeah. Do I want him in there after his recent actions? Hell no. Maybe this year at Wrestlemania, Kane could shove a tombstone up his ass instead. Are you kidding me? Putting Pete Rose in the Hall-o-Fame was BRILLIANT. Sure, he's not the most deserving guy, but let's face it: When one man is getting you publicity on channels like ESPN and CNN, you've done something right. But, yes, fuck Pete Rose indeed. Okay, Helix, tough choice time for you. Your favorite wrestler is the oft/always mis-used Matt Hardy. You have never seen a single NWATNA show. Would Version 1.0 be better off in TNA even though you'd never get to see him? Going to TNA could easily be one of the greatest moves in recent wrestling...er...moves, both for Hardy and for TNA. Hardy's benefits are obvious, but look what TNA would stand to gain: (a) A great all-around performer. Matt is great to watch in-ring, and he's not what I'd call bad on the mic. (b) A great all-around performer's friends. Mattitude has a lot of talented buddies, and quite a few are out of work or horribly misused. I can't be the only one who would start ordering NWA: TNA PPVs when there's a promise of Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy, Helms, Moore, Lita, hell, even guys like Edge, Christian, and possibly guys like Y2J. If Hardy could talk some of those guys into following him, TNA just gained a shit ton of great talent and one or two huge draws. (c) A bunch of new customers, who want to watch the great all-around performer and his friends rassle. Damn right. Matt Hardy would absolutely EXPLODE in any organization that would give him the chance to. Besides which, there is nobody near the top of TNA that he wouldn't be capable of working great with. You thought Mysterio against him was something? The possibilities of what he could do in an Ultimate X match are astounding. Plus, think about Hardy/Styles, Hardy/Sabin, or Hardy/Kid Kash. I know these names mean little to you because of your stubborness at taking out the wallet, but they would be great matches. Hey, just because I haven't actually seen the guys doesn't mean I don't realize they're good. At least some of this praise has some kind of credible foundation. Yeah, but seeing is believing. There's talkin' goin' 'round the water cooler that Edge will be moved to RAW, and RVD will be shipped off to SD in return. If such a move did in fact take place, who gets the better end of the deal? Rob Van Dam does. Like we talked about last week, he is still very talented and just needs a change in scenery. This could do it for him, although it wouldn't be as ideal as a shift to NWATNA. I would hate this as a fan, however, because I really want to see another feud between Van Dam and Benoit, plus a version 1/New F'n Show feud. Oh well, maybe in TNA. I am really looking forward to seeing Edge tear it up on RAW. As much as everyone else seems to be dreading his rumored feud with Trips, I'm looking forward to it. I agree, from a wrestler standpoint, RVD's would get the best deal. However, from a brand vs. brand perspective, RAW would absolutely fucking own Smackdown with this. First, Raw would be the one getting the fresh face. They can easily pump a few months out of Edge in the main event before anyone even considers the possibility of him being stale. Unlike RVD, who is pretty much already there, and would only get a temporary freshness boost with a brand change. Then you have the fact that Smackdown isn't in dire need of main event makeovers (any more). John Cena and Big Show should be back up there as soon as they find a good US Title champ, Kurt Angle should stay there (assuming this whole injury thing doesn't affect him), and I like to pretend Guerrero is there to stay. Where will RVD fit in this picture? He'll become the new United States Champion. Meanwhile, Edge gets to jump right into the big stuff with a main event that consists of HBK, Benoit, and Hunter. Raw easily improves the most with this deal. RAW may be getting Edge, and he's good and all, but is he truly as good as Rob Van Dam? I think not. And Smackdown would be getting a refreshed Rob Van Dam that actually has someone new to feud with, new, young wrestlers to work with, and new belts to fight for. RVD/Guerrero would be a tremendous feud for the WWF Title, as would Cena vs. RVD for the U.S. strap. Edge would light up RAW, but only if they allowed him to continue his push, and who knows if Trips and Michaels are going to put up with 2 former Smackdown guys stealing their spotlight. Lately, with the depushing of the Bashams and Benjamin/Haas and the retirement of Bradshaw, Smackdown has become as lifeless as your latex girlfriends. Do you see any chance that the exciting team of London and Kidman will be promoted to change this? Even if they were to get pushed to the A-Show, my latex girlfriends would still have more life. I like both guys as in-ring talents, but they have the charisma of a brick, and half the name recognition. There's only one thing that could save the SD tag division: Rey Rey Mysterio. You want him out of the cruiserweight division, anyway, the man is an insta-pop, and we even have pre-made and proven teams like Rey/Edge and Rey/Kidman. Hell, how about Rey/London? That'd be interesting to see. Rey/London would be amazing. And I never said I wanted Rey out of the Cruiserweight division. What I said was he is too over to need the title and better without the belt. I think he's capable of being elevated above it, and I'd love to see it for awhile, but in the end, the cruiserweight division is his home and where he belongs. However, I do think you can be in both the CW and tag divisions. As usual, my solution for fixing the Smackdown tag ranks is to get rid of it. Rejoin the tag divisions and make there be one belt to fight over. It only makes sense with the lack of quality teams they either have or allow to be pushed. A third brand? An ECW brand? A SATURDAY FUCKING NIGHT TV SLOT? Do they want me to hate this idea? No. I think they just hate you. First they start the whole S.H.I.T. angle, making it look like the Hurricane is becoming a major player--Um, nope. Second, they ship Hardy over to Smackdown, giving you some hope of a renewed push--nada. Then they start pushing Shannon Moore, raising your hopes again--Nay, strike 3. Obviously, whatever they--whoever "they" are--do is only done because they hate your fucking guts and want you to die. Which brings me to this thought: Maybe they are random guy #5. As for the idea, it really isn't that bad. Saturday would be the perfect place for it if they are actually going to do it right, and there are enough guys wasting away on the sidelines or just inside of them that would do well in an extreme-based organization that they just might be able to pull it off. Of course, the very fact that Shane McMahon is being mentioned in the same sentence with ECW probably means it won't get off the ground. But, that's another viable place to use guys like Rob Van Dam, Matt Hardy, Paul London, and Shannon Moore. All of them are more than capable of blowing the roof off, and this would give them a chance to prove it. Here's my big issue with the ECW idea: A Saturday night timeslot would interfere with my SD! viewing. Now, the real evil-doer of this is my local UPN/WB affiliate, but still... If they were to pull this idea of correctly, it would rule. And then I'd be forced to choose between hardcore battles or technical masters. Not cool. Not cool at all. You know what's not cool? The fact that apparently they don't have VCRs in Washington. Cuz if they did, you could tape one and watch it later. !Here comes Xan to save the day! 5 Good... Reasons random guy #5 didn't make it to the main page 1. He took too much credit for our Column of the Month win, which lead to this current Main Page appearance. Damn straight. What did he do? Be lucky enough to be hanging around when we start getting votes. 2. His King of the Columnists, which should have been revolutionary, was an obvious attempt at disrupting the camaraderie of ETA, in order to distract us away from him so he could free his little minion self. And, as everyone knows, Xan and I are bestest best friends. In a non-anal sex way, you assholes. Those who take us on are doomed! (Doomed!) 3. He made a joke at my expense last week. Now I am laughing at his. Hee He Hee Hee. Well, it's not hard to make jokes at your expense. In fact, it's quite the opposite. For instance, "Hey Xan, you're st00pid!" BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! *cough* 4. There's no way he'll be able to penetrate the mystical spell we've had cast to stop him from ever taking part in ETA again. I knew all that D&D would pay off. Living in your parents basement for 30 years DOES teach you something! 5. Tinaali said so. Word. Don't fuck with Tina. She'll...er...ground you or something. Make yo' ass eat vegetables. And watch TNA. Mail Time! WOW! We actually got mail from more than 1 guy. 4 distinct questions. Amazing what bitching about it can do. Either that or people just want to see their name in lights. Okay, first question: From that dragon guy: Alright then Aggravators... Here's an idea for you. The brand extension has been going on now for quite some time (not sure exactly how long -- have stat boy figure that one out). We are finally seeing signs on inter-brand interaction. Is the WWE hinting/toying with the idea of eliminating the extension, maybe as a way of testing out which is better? In either case -- do you think the brand extension has been a good thing for the company and do you think that they should run a trial-run of a non-brand-extended product? This has probably been done before... but I can't recall anything.... so, yeah. Interesting question... The brand extension, as a whole, is a great idea, filled with greatness and great things. However, it is also prone to little crap, such as stale main events, horrible tag divisions, and even greater outrage at the misuse of talent. That's why you have to put something in perspective: It's not the concept's fault that things like wind up sucking every once in a while. It's the execution. The writers are the ones who give us horrible main events, misused midcards, and such. That's not to say it's all bad though. There have been quite a few things to like that wouldn't have been possible WITHOUT a brand extension. Like, er... well, nothing comes to mind, but I'm sure there has been something. As a concept, I love the brand extension. In terms of execution, I'm on the fence. Actually, the one thing that would not have been possible without the brand extension is the revival of the United States and Intercontinental belts, as well as the virtual relegation of the McMahons to one show. Now, that being said, I personally think the brand extension was a great idea, with a few caveats. In the beginning, the WWF Title and Women's Title were defended on both shows. What this did was: a)Keep the roster of each show separate, b)Allow quite a lot of variety as far as challengers, and c)Let each show have the most over guy(that's who SHOULD be champion, for the most part) to use on their roster. Ever since SummerSlam 2002, they don't do that. There has never been an explanation for the Women's Title, and as I have said in the past, the explanation for the WWF Title doesn't really hold up. My position remains this: keep the extension, but unify some of the belts. Make one undisputed champion again, have the women's title be defended on both shows, and unify the tag belts. Then you add in the (now-WWF-owned) ECW Title to RAW as the hardcore belt, and look what we've got: A federation champion Federation tag champs A Federation women's champ For RAW: It's own title(intercontinental) and specialty title(ECW Title) For Smackdown: It's own title(United States) and specialty title(Cruiserweight) Then there is one less title, but more people to compete for the WWF Title and Tag Titles. Sounds like a solid, workable plan that would keep each roster and feud fresh to me. My only problem with this plan of yours is this: Why in the hell would you want the Women's Title to be on both shows? Who on SD is there to spice up the division? Dawn Marie? Nidia? Torrie? Leave it on Raw. Well, dumbass. If the Women's Title wasn't relegated only to RAW, that isn't where they'd put all the talented women, now is it? The next pair of questions come from TV Dog: 1. Given that the Ultimate Warrior is currently pursuing a "career" now as a political pundit and public speaker, should he ever run for office? Ha... Ha ha ha... BWAHAHHAHAHAHAHA. Should he ever run for office? Seriously? Maybe in Bizarroworld. 2. If not the Warrior, which wrestlers should attempt to run for a political position? Why? Well, Hulk Hogan, Triple H, and Kevin Nash are some glaring examples of political masterminding... You'd certainly have to consider them for high-ranking positions. When it comes to smaller political spots, you'd almost have to go with guys who never seem to do anything and never get cut. Like Stevie Richards. They must have some kind of skill at keeping the higher-ups happy or something. That's just the guideline to determining what position certain people would run for. I'll leave specifics to Xan. Well thank you, Helix, because as for which wrestlers SHOULD run for political office, I can think of two at present. Ric Flair and Bret Hart. Both have been huge stars in the business, both seem to have a bit of integrity and justness about them, personally. Both have large followings in their communities. I could easily see Rick running for Governor of North Carolina and Bret running for Mayor of Calgary. And, one is retired while the other one is nearing that point, so it's conceivable they would both be able to run. As far as current wrestlers, I could see Dwayne Johnson following Arnold Schwarenegger's road to the office. And, just to expand on what ol' a-double-h said, Steven Richards was so good in the RTC that you just have to believe he would be good in office. And now a pair of questions from Sheepy: A couple things to point out concerning WrestleMania XX. First of all, it seems as though you guys are both interested in the Cruiserweight Open because it can provide some great wrestling. However, didn't Rey Mysterio vs. Matt Hardy and the Triple Threat tag from last year's Mania teach you guys something? A match can only be as good as its build, since without the story behind the match, it can't be special. Are you saying Mysterio vs. Hardy was BAD? Sure, the CW Open may not be a ***** OMG FUCKENAWSOM! match, but bad build can't stop it from being a fun affair. Especially in the cruiserweight division. Will you calm the Christ down? He didn't say it was a bad match. I think he was implying how disappointing it ended up to be since it only got 5 minutes. At least that better be what you're implying Sheepy. Because if it isn't, and you actually were implying that Matt Hardy and Rey Mysterio could have a bad match, I'm not only going to stop holding Helix back, I'm going to take apart the parts that are left of you after he's done taking you apart. As for the CW Open, it is going to rule all. Not EVERY match has to have a strong story behind it to be great, and actually, with the way the WWF higher-ups run things, they hardly have a story at all anymore. But, especially for cruiser-spotfests like this is going to be, I'd much rather not have the story to think about and I just want to concentrate on the bodies flying like I'll be able to, thank you very much. LAST ONE! Secondly, both of you stated that adding Stone Cold to the mix of Lesnar/Goldberg was a bad idea. Shouldn't you take the casual fans' perspective into account and realize the history being made? The casual fan needs Stone Cold, and that's why he'd make a better sheriff than anyone on RAW. Listen to the pops he gets. He needs to be a big part of WrestleMania and needs to have a role on RAW, as he's adored by the fans. In terms of history, don't you guys think that having Lesnar, Goldberg and Austin all in the ring at the same time means a whole lot? As for Austin, I hate Austin. I'm sick of Austin. If I never saw him again, I could die happy. If I never heard "What?" again, I could die very happy. The casual fan might "need" Austin, but I sure as hell don't. Yes, the casual fan needs Stone Cold. And, the coke addict needs blow, the alcoholic needs whiskey, and Helix needs...whatever the hell he needs. Well, here's the thing: the casual fans should just get the fuck over it. They got over Hogan leaving, they got over the Hart screwjob. They can deal with this. I've no doubt Austin's enjoying his current stint in the WWF, but the truth is that it sucks ass. I thought the Sheriff's role was going to be perfect for him, but either the writers or Austin himself have managed to fuck up the role completely. Why would a man that supports the law be trying to stir shit up? Why would he want the man who rightfully won the chance to wrestle for the World Title at Wrestlemania to be screwed out of it? Why would he want there to be a war between his organization and Smackdown? None of these things make sense either with his character or with his role. He needs to go, and not Sunday, not soon. NOW. As for his involvement in the Goldberg/Lesnar feud, I was looking forward to the match before Austin got involved. Goldberg vs. Lesnar and Goldberg vs. Austin are both matches I want to see. Unfortunately I won't get a chance to see the latter, so it pisses me off that they are throwing Stone Cold in there to screw up the former. Like both Helix and I said last week, no possible good will come of this. The only thing his "refereeing" will do is fuck up what should have been a great unstoppable force vs. unstoppable force match. It should have been a train-wreck. Now it will be an Austin "What"-fest. YAY. The Minion's Minute This was to be the new section for random guy #5 to do is stat boy thing, however, since we cast that spell and everything, I guess I'll just take this opportunity to once again laugh at his sorry ass. Hee He Hee---[[CRASH!!!!]] Cough, cough. What the hell? OUCH! Dammit! [[Thud]] What! What! What! (For helix) What you two dipshits failed to realize is that the sig created by that evil demon, mother of Satan spawn Tina, has mystical powers. When united, the Teletubbies and David Hasselhoff can provide the necessary ingredients to tear the fabric of the space-time continuum and drop me here faster than the Tampa Bay Bucs will drop that premadonna Lesnar. There is no way the WWE could keep Austin out of this match, because as good as Brock is, he can't carry Goldberg through anything more than a "Grrr, Scary" cut throat fest. Austin is the wildcard, because somebody has to go over when Austin 2.0 and Austin 3.0 face off and botch a thousand spots, only to run away from the company the day after. Besides, somebody has to remind Brock that he can't do a Shooting Star at the last minute. Dragon, the brand extension is coming up on its 2-year anniversary, since I am stat boy and all. I must say that as a card-carrying member of "they," we don't think there is any way this column will be here for more than a week, and I'm pissed as hell at the guy who told me the end of The Passion, apparently he dies. Everything about this day is crap, except for the latex girlfriend jokes. Wow, rg5. Not only did I completely lose track of what the hell you were talking about, I also FEEL ASLEEP. Reading. When you're that boring, you have a problem. Whu? Wha--'appened? Oh. Yeah. I'm sure I would have fallen asleep to if you hadn't already knocked me unconscious, you bastard! Let's get him Helix! [[Tearing flesh, BANG!]] [RATTATATTAT][SCREAMS of a wounded minion] If anyone cares, stay tuned for the next episode to see the fate of random guy. Oh, that's right. There's probably only one of you. Big Finish Well, now that I've regained my sense(Shaddup!) heading into Wrestlemania XX, it appears that the guys taking part in one of the hugely hyped matches will both be gone after the show. We've all known Goldberg's contract had little to no shot of being renewed because of the money issue, but the Lesnar move is a big shock. He's making the seemingly insane decision to jump to the NFL, not only right after arguably his biggest match ever, but also just weeks before he has a possibility of being named #1 in the upcoming X 100. Who's loss do you think will have a bigger impact on the WWF in 2004? Are you fucking kidding? This is hardly a question: Lesnar. Though not completely in a negative way. The SD main event will suffer, of course, because, let's face it: People love Lesnar. However, this opens a nice cozy spot for a guy like RVD or Edge in the clustered SD main event. That is, of course, assuming Taker doesn't run in and nab it up. But he would have done that anyway. Goldberg, on the other hand, won't cost you that much. Part of the main problems between Goldberg and the WWE was that he, apparently, wasn't the huge draw they were hoping for. It may be boo-fucking-hoo for Goldberg fans, but quite a few people don't care, it seems. The "casual" fans, as us know-it-alls like to call them, weren't drawn in, and you don't see any 'net fans saying "If Goldberg walks I'll stop watching." I'm not saying it's good they're letting him take off, but, barring a TNA appearance, the fed ain't losing out on much. Wrong again you....wrong, wrong person. For the long haul, Lesnar no doubt would have been a bigger loss for the WWF. But, for 2004? You're kidding yourself. Lesnar has been pushed to the moon the last two years in the WWF to the point that nearly everyone is sick of him. I wouldn't miss Lesnar too much in 2004. But, after not seeing him for a while I'm sure I will miss him. Right now I'm happy to see him go, because I think that not only does it create a huge opening for either RVD, Booker T, or both to jump over to Smackdown, but I think the show will be better overall because the writers can focus on ALL the talent rather than just Lesnar. Goldberg is still a draw for the WWF. He's not what they wanted him to be, but mainly because they never used him in the right way. Now, being that they probably still aren't going to they shouldn't spend the money on him he is demanding. However, I contend that he would be a bigger loss than Lesnar for 2004 because at least he holds the fan's interest whereas I think Lesnar has been shoved down our throats so much that we just WANT him to go away for awhile. Goldberg, meanwhile, they've been trying to de-push, seemingly on Triple H's orders, and he still draws a strong reaction. I think Goldberg could really become huge for the WWF if they let him. Lesnar has already been pushed huge and failed to capitalize on it. True, Goldberg sucked mainly because the WWE used him in a sucky way, but that doesn't mean we'll be missing anything we weren't already getting. As a whole, Goldberg is a bigger loss, in terms of what could have been and what could be done. However, Lesnar is a bigger loss in terms of losing what we had. Sure, we were sick of him. But the week he dropped the belt, I started to tolerate him again. He could have easily been back to par within a month or two. Goldberg, on the other hand, never got going. For any questions you'd like us to answer in future columns, or for any comments or criticisms, as usual hit us at Aggravators@hotmail.com That's all we've got. We'll try to do better next time. Oh yeah... Happy Time Well, people, since we don't really keep track of birthdays and anniversaries and whatnot, we never really include Happy Time. However, Xan and I couldn't win CotM and not plug the columns forum and a couple of main page guys. Sure, none of you will read this, but you should. Oh, you should. First off, though, is required main page reading: Dumass, Wevv Mang, Jim Forzese, Snapple, and J-Train. If you haven't read them, read them. If you do read them, read them again. They rule. Now, in the spirit of good sportsmanship, I have to plug Winter. Sure, the bastard was within a few votes of keeping Xan and I away from CotM victory, and sure, for that I hate him with every ounce of my being, but that's no reason to pretend he's a bad writer. Read him. On the other hand, RickStallion is like the anti-Winter, in that he's cool. He's also a good writer. He also tends to write about one column every two months. Still worth reading. Christina Schmalz, aka Tinaali, is decent, too. She's doing TNA recaps right now, in addition to writing a forum column with Yopu or her husband, depending on her mood. Yopu sucks. The column doesn't. He writes less frequently than Stallion, but he's also the biggest ETA supporter around, and a great writer to boot. Therefore, he gets an insta-plug: TV Dog. Those, of course, are just the people who have sucked up to me enough to get a special plug. Other quality writers (all of whom you MUST read. Or die. Your choice): Robb, Pt2, Dubzilla, MEhnes, and MsLondonCalling. I'm sure I forgot a bunch of you guys, so don't take offense or anything. Besides, I'm sure most of the people reading skipped the plugs. Bastards. I agree with pretty much what Helix said here, so I just have a few comments. First, Helix, you voted for Winter yourself. Idiot. Secondly, read us again as well. We rule even more. Later folks. Can't wait to be back here again! *NEW GALLERY* Amazing! The VERY RARE & Revealing Kelly Kelly BEACH PHOTOSHOOT!!!
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