The Rant of the Week: Wrestlemania and Why TNA needs to listen to me
    Submitted by Phantom Lord on Sunday, February 29, 2004 at 4:23 AM EST

    Greetings conversationalists all across the fruited plain, it is I your personal Harvester of Sorrow Phantom Lord and this is my Rant of the Week. As always I am coming to you from the capitol of the world New York City and with Wrestlemania only 15 days or so away, I can honestly say other then Eddie vs. Angle and Brock vs. Goldberg, I’m not to interested in the ppv right now. But I’ll get to that in a minute, cause there’s a few non-wrestling topics I’d like to touch on. This week Gay Marriage came to the forefront as The Mayor of San Francisco began handing out marriage licenses to gays and this spurned President Bush to come out for a Constitutional Amendment against Gay Marriage. Am I the only one who just really doesn’t give a shit about this? I mean its bullshit to think this issue has anything to do with the Sanctity of Marriage. This is a financial issue plain and simple. A small portion of the population does not want another small portion of the population to get the same benefits they do. That’s the heart of the matter. I mean there are a lot more problems in this world to worry about then Gay Marriage. Two weeks ago, The Earth came with in 36 hours of getting hit with a 100-foot metor that would caused an explosion in the atmosphere about the size of a 1-megaton nuclear blast. Of course the media doesn’t cover that because it’s not like it’s important. Haiti is to be in a full blown civil war, but that’s not nearly as important as that fat bitch Rosie O’Donnell running to San Francisco to get married with her life partner.

    All I’m saying is there is a lot more important stuff going on in this world right now and we better get our damn priorities straight. Speaking of priorities, I’m done going off on that so it’s ON TO THE RANT.

    I said I wasn’t really in the Wrestlemania mood and it’s true. For starters I’m not to excited to order a $50 ppv. Aside from Eddie vs. Kurt, there is not any match that is saying, “I GOT TO ORDER JUST TO SEE THAT”. I mean Brock vs. Goldberg is a prime example of a dream match, but with Austin as the special referee if you can’t see that Stunner coming then you should get your eyes checked. We all know this is going to be Goldberg’s last match in the company since he got as much money as he could out of Vince and Vince destroyed his credibility as only he can. But the Austin swerve is so obvious it’s not even funny. So like Kevin Nash said, expect Goldberg to do the J.O.B for Lesnar. Then we have Kane vs. The Undertaker. Now I’ll admit, the mark in me can’t wait to see The Deadman return, but I’m starting to fear this is going to be a big swerve and he still will be the American Badass. Kane and The Undertaker had a great match at Wrestlemania 14 and I don’t doubt for a minute that they can’t top that match, but it’s time for The Undertaker cut a promo to really put the fear of god into Kane. At least if I see The Undertaker, then I know it will be all good. Then we have the Mick Foley/Randy Orton saga. Who is booking this shit? All we want to see is one last great violent brawl from Foley so he can leave Orton a bloody mess so the kid can finally get the proper rub. What are we getting? Foley getting his ass handed to him by Triple H’s lackeys. To make things worse, The Rock is most likely coming back to team with Foley in a tag match against Orton and Batista. Of course The Rock is only doing this cause his schedule is allowing him to do it, it’s not like he’s doing it cause he loves wrestling or entertaining us. Of course him having a movie coming out soon doesn’t hurt either.

    You know what’s sad? They’re gonna give Walking Tall more hype then they are Foley’s come back match. Foley broke his damn body for that company all he is to them is filler material in-between video clips. I mean here’s a guy who has inspired pretty much any wrestler who has come out since 1993 and all they do on RAW to hype his big return match is have him get his ass handed to him each week. To be honest, I wouldn’t really care if it was a tag match, but The Rock should not be Foley’s partner. I’ve said over and over and over and BAH GAWD OVER that Tommy Dreamer can be the new Foley. He has the same wrestling style, he can take the holy shit bump when he has to, and he can get a crowd behind him. I would have had Tommy come out to save Foley when Orton was beating him down, but instead they just go for Foley taking such a beating that he realizes that no one in the company gives a shit about him. While that should in theory make for a dramatic angle, all it’s doing is boxing Foley into a corner and either way you look at it…He’s gonna put Orton over.

    Speaking of putting people over, what did Chris Benoit ever do to deserve what is going to happen to him at Wrestlemania. Ok so he stole Kevin Sullivan’s wife and threw down the WCW Title after winning it, but other then that he’s the best wrestler in the company. Logic dictates you would want someone as World Champion who can make people look good. Well at Wrestlemania, Benoit gets the pleasure of doing the job to HBK so Triple H isn’t made to look weak on the biggest ppv of them all. But then again, odds are Benoit is winning the title in Edmonton in April so I guess we on the net can wait one more month for our dream to come true of Benoit and Guerrero as World Champions. I don’t see why people say Benoit wouldn’t be a good champion. Ok so he can’t cut a promo. Big deal…I don’t watch Benoit to see him out talk someone. I watch Benoit cause I know I’ll see a great match. He can take the most worthless of wrestlers like Billy Gunn and drag a match out of them that won’t put you to sleep. When’s the last time Triple H busted his ass against anyone that wasn’t named Shawn Michaels? That’s why we need Benoit as World Champion. Hell I’ll take Michaels as champion. I’ll put up with The Klique2K4 cause he gives it his all. But if Triple H walks out of this match as champion, expect a bullshit chant from the Garden faithful that will echo the one after the Lex Luger/Yokozuna match at Wrestlemania 10.

    As for the rest of the card, there’s going to be a Cruiserweight battle royal as I feared. Instead of having say Paul London or some other deserving wrestler get that big moment in the sun, they’re just throwing everyone into one match that will serve no purpose other then Rey vs. Chavo in the end. Such a waste with all the great talent they have in the cruiserweight division. I mean tonight on Velocity I saw a damn good match with Paul London and Tajiri. Anyone who thinks cruiserweight’s cant hit his high spots and still throw in psychology should see this match. In addition to this match, expect a couple tag title matches that no one and I mean no one will give a shit about. The A.P.A vs. Too Cool? Wow that one just has clusterfuck written all over it. Why Haas and Benjamin are not the Smackdown tag champions is a mystery. They are The World’s Greatest Tag Team for a reason damn it. And don’t get me started on RAW. Those tag titles should be melted and sold for scrap. Giving Booker T and RVD the titles is McMahon’s way of saying “Please don’t go…here’s a title”. It’s no wonder RVD hasn’t re-signed with them yet. Booker T’s career is on borrowed time due to his back. Dicking these guys over is not a smart thing to do when both of them might be gone by the summer for one reason or another.

    Last but not least we come to the intermission of the show otherwise known as “The interpromotional evening gown match”. This is what we fans in the know call a piss break. I have seen The Playboy spread with Sable and Torrie and it’s pretty weak even by Playboy standards. What makes this match even more stupid is the fact that Jackie and Stacy are fighting them simply because they lost out on the spread even though we all know Stacy would not pose in real life. Jackie probably would in a heartbeat since she’s a whore. Think that was harsh? Well she blew a guy in a hot tub on Tough Enough. Think about what else she probably did to win the contest and not get fired after the infamous match with Trish Stratus. I read somewhere that rumor has it someone in this match might get naked. Why not save us all the trouble and change it to a Baby Oil in a Pool match. Have them all wrestle in thongs and white tank tops and we’ll get the picture pretty damn quickly…you know, I would probably order the ppv with out hesitation if I got to see that. Throw in Lita and Dawn Marie and we got ourselves a show stealer.

    Speaking of Lita, as much as I love her I am thankful she did not win the Women’s title on Monday night. Victoria (Who has been looking even hotter in the last two weeks) finally won back the title and Trish had no bearing on the decision. She beat Molly with the greatest bridge pin in history (Mainly cause the cameraman had it pointed right up the Grand Canyon) and then she beat Lita with The Widow’s Peak which is the best finisher in the company. There was a time when Lita was a damn good wrestler, but ever since she came back from her injury it’s like she forgot how to wrestle. She can’t even do simple moves with out screwing up. Lita, I say this as a fan. You need to take a crash course in wrestling or change your style. I remember someone on another site pointed out since she’s so tall, she should use her legs instead of those weak flimsy punches. I can buy Lita doing martial arts more then I can her a risk taker. Jeff Hardy is never coming back…you don’t have to wrestle like him to keep the teeny boppers hopes alive.

    But back to Victoria, it will be a tragedy if we don’t get Victoria vs. Molly at Wrestlemania. I don’t want to see Molly vs. Jazz vs. Victoria. I just want Molly vs. Victoria. Give them ten minutes and they will put on the best women's match in America possibly ever. Funny how Trish isn’t in that equation. You know why? Cause the Days of Our Lives angle gone horribly wrong just wont end. On Monday, Christian did some great heel work by making Trish scream from the pain of the Walls of Jericho. I guess this is setting up Jericho/Christian at Wrestlemania which in it self will be a great match, but if this whole angle with Jericho and Trish doesn’t end I might be tempted to throw something at my television. Suspension of belief does not work anymore. Trish…watch a damn monitor in the back. You’ll see Chris loves you. Kiss all ready so we can get the freaking climax.

    Speaking of climaxes, I fear TNA is about to reach there’s because no matter how great the action of the X-Division is, they just don’t see to have the balls to go for a three hour ppv with out some has been big name on the bill. I’ll say this as nicely as I possibly can. Fuck bringing in a big name. Go with whom you have and promote the hell out of it. As much as I want to see Randy Savage make a comeback, if he thinks he’s worth half the gate of the show then much like Chyna, he isn’t worth it. The America’s X Cup should be Bound for Glory. Hart Foundation V2 vs. Team AAA vs. Team NWA vs. Team Japan. That right there is enough to get every damn smark to order since there’s always the chance someone is gonna shoot on that little prick Teddy Hart. Sure the kids a great wrestler, but with all the shit attached to him (Which I am convinced is a work and I will explain in Fact or Fiction this week) people will tune in to see the most hated man in wrestling get his ass kicked.

    See if TNA is going to succeed, they need to do everything the WWE doesn’t. Right now they are trying to be so safe for corporate America it isn’t even funny. Case and point this bit of news I came across from The Torch.

    - TNA wrestlers were told by management last week to be on their best behavior, ie no swearing, no blood, etc. This has led to speculation that network executives were either in attendance at the show or watching on PPV. Lollipop was not even allowed to suck on her lollipop as TNA thought it to be too suggestive. Chris Harris said "ass" in his promo which got him a stern lecture from Jerry Jarrett backstage. Most feel that the network TNA has something going on with now is Fox Sports Network.

    First of all, it’s FOX for Christ’s sake. These people are promoting Midget dating shows. You know why I got hooked back on TNA late last year? Cause it was the demon spawn of ECW and WCW. The violence, blood, and sex appeal of ECW with the Wrestling of WCW. When I read something like that I can’t help but laugh. You want peoples attention then fuck trying to impress some suits. You have to impress the people. If the people want it badly then the suits will have no choice but to give in an sign it. Now I think Fox Sports or FX would be a perfect fit for TNA. I’ve been saying that since last summer. If TNA doesn’t go for the kill now, It will be to late. I know someone from TNA read this column. I’ve put TNA over more then anyone on the internet. I’m going to say this as bluntly as possible. Stop trying to be nice and friendly. The age of being nice and friendly is dead, dead, dead, dead, dead ,dead, DEAD. We the common fan enjoy cursing in a promo and excessive violence mixed in with our wrestling. I think if your worried about someone saying the word “Ass”, then you should probably step aside and let someone who lives in the now book. Jerry, I commend you and your son for giving us TNA. But it’s not the 1980’s anymore and ass is not a dirty word.

    I always found it funny that there was censorship on ppv. ECW had to deal with it. WCW had to deal with it and now TNA is. Funny how the WWE doesn’t have to deal with it. I mean I don’t think we would see Shawn Michaels blading like it was 1985 if the WWE had to live up to the same standards imposed ppv distributors on everyone else who tries putting on a ppv.

    Before I go, I read that Ric Flair’s career might be over. For any true fan of wrestling, this might be the saddest day since Bret Hart announced his career was over due to an injury. Supposedly Flair’s neck is hurting from either a recent injury or years of wear and tear. I can understand a recent injury cause a couple months ago his head whiplashed off the top rope so violently that I cringed. I just hope it isn’t over till he says it’s over. Flair deserves to go out with one last great match. Not a whimper like this. Ric Flair has done more for wrestling then anyone in the last 30 years. He put over more people then can be counted and not once did he ever say no. Triple H are we listening? Well if Ric is hurt, I hope he gets better soon because right now he’s one of the few bright spots on RAW.

    And with that I am done for this week. I promise Fact or Fiction will be up this coming week and we do have some interesting questions for this one.

    As always take care and remember someone has to give you this information so it might as well be me {S Bob Grant

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