Wrestling in a Bottle: No Way Out Review and Storyline Thoughts
Submitted by Snapple on Saturday, February 21, 2004 at 1:34 AM EST



Hello, and welcome to the latest edition of the column that's TOO HOT FOR TV, Wrestling in a Bottle. I'm Snapple. Today, I'm going to be talking about No Way Out, and why I'm such a happy guy because of that. I also want to touch on some of the storylines on both Smackdown! and RAW. I really have no other introduction this week, because that's all I need to discuss.

In the coming weeks (possibly next week), I'd like to review either the Mick Foley DVD or the Monday Night Wars DVD, whichever I decide to buy first. I'm definitely going to buy something this weekend, because my roommate's going to be out of town, and I will be bored. I've actually been on a little DVD buying spree lately, not really spending my money on anything else. In the past three or so weeks, I picked up the Usual Suspects, L.A. Confidential, Memento, and Ravenous on DVD. On a tangent, I must say the Usual Suspects and L.A. Confidential are two of the greatest movies of all time, in my opinion. They also both star Kevin Spacey. Coincidence? Maybe not. Spacey was also in American Beauty, which is another of my all-time favorites.

Okay, I'm through with DVD gushing. Onto the wrasslin'.

No Way Out Review

No Way Out, in my opinion, is one of the best PPV outings in a long time for the WWE. Some people went and told me that Vengeance last year was better, but... I think that's debatable. I'll explain why it's as good as Vengeance in a little bit after I go in depth on the No Way Out matches.

The opener for the PPV was Rikishi & Scotty vs. The Basham Brothers & Shaniqua. Don't anyone dare call Rikishi & Scotty the new Too Cool, because they are not. Brian Lawler (aka Grandmasta Sexay) has oodles more talent than Rikishi ever did, and I was a big mark for the original Too Cool, not just for the dancing but because I really honestly liked their in-ring ability. Okay, so I also agree that the Worm is a terrible move, but you can't say the tag team stinks just because of one move.

I digress though. I am not a fan of either of these tag teams very much, but unlike most of the people I have heard from, I actually liked this match. This is the most time on a PPV that any of these four guys have gotten for a match in ages. I think they realized if they were going to impress Vince, they'd have to do it at No Way Out. As a result, I really felt like everyone involved kicked it up a notch, so to speak. I'm glad the belts are off the Bashams though. They practically ruined the tag division as the champs, although it's really not their fault. They're heatless, have a bad gimmick, and they never get to work the crowd over on the mic. To me, they still very much look like lower carders, whereas Los Guerreros or Angle & Benoit I could believe would put up a good fight against anyone on Smackdown! Suffice to say though, I enjoyed the No Way Out match. Good opener. Not *great*, but better than I thought it would be.

The next match on the card was Nidia vs. Jamie Noble, in a half-blindfold match. Jamie Noble is such a wasted talent on Smackdown!, it's a shame. When Noble actually gets inspired to wrestle well, he can hang with anyone. I thought he turned out some great matches in 2002 when he was the cruiserweight champ. The match was pretty... well, I don't even know what to make of it. Thank goodness only one of them was wearing a blindfold or this would've been painful. Instead, at least we got to watch Nidia play around with a helpless Noble to the crowd's delight. Noble worked well with what he got, I give him that much. I thought it was a very old-school heel move of Noble to take off the blindfold and cheat for the win, which I appreciate. Otherwise, there's no way in good conscience I could say this match had a place on the PPV. Maybe it could've been a good match for Smackdown!?

The third match was APA vs. Team Not-Angle. Ugh, watching matches like this makes me really hate Bradshaw even more than I do. He was supposed to be selling an injury to his right arm, except he never did. In fact, he continued to attack pretty much only using his right arm, like he always does. Bradshaw's injury was the focal point of this match's psychology, but he refused to sell it. Therefore, the whole match fell apart, but thankfully Haas and Benjamin picked up the win anyway. It had some good spots though, as the heel team can work well with pretty much anybody, so it wasn't a total flop.

Next was a fantastic segment with Brock confronting Goldberg and calling him out. Brock and Goldberg have great talking chemistry, and I've loved this feud so far. I loved the segment at Survivor Series. I loved the interview at the Royal Rumble. I loved the F5 on Goldberg in the Rumble match itself, and I loved this segment at No Way Out. It ended with Goldberg assaulting Brock to a HUGE pop (which he never gets on RAW), and giving Brock the Jackhammer. The only problem with this feud is that to really appreciate the finer points of it, you have to have seen the three PPVs I mentioned. If you haven't, all you see is the fluff they show you on free television, which pales in comparison. Seeing as how the average viewer these days does NOT buy all the PPVs, maybe then Brock vs. Goldberg won't be the big draw the WWE is looking for. I like the feud a lot though. Even if the match ends up being awful, it's making me want to buy Wrestlemania more.

The next match was Hardcore Holly vs. Rhyno. As anyone can probably tell you, this was easily the worst match on the show. Yes, worse than the blindfold match. I really don't quite understand it though, as I know both Holly and Rhyno have put on better matches than this in the past. Rhyno can be a good wrestler when he wants to be, and Hardcore used to be a pretty skilled brawler. Unfortunately, I don't think "Resthold" Holly has quite shaken his ring rust, as this was just a long, boring, painful match. On paper, it could've been good, but really, it was anything but. The crowd, I might add, was insanely HOT~! all night... except for this match. Holly picked up his obligatory "I lost in a title shot so give me a win at the next PPV" match.

The next match was Rey Mysterio vs. Chavo Guerrero Jr. in the longest cruiserweight title match in the WWE since... possibly ever. I can't remember how long Rey vs. Hardy on Smackdown! was, but this is definitely a fantastic, long match, that I think capped at around 17 minutes. All I can say is this match is my current front-runner for Match of the Year. Will it be overtaken? Probably, but so far, this has been the best match of 2004, bar none. Some people liked the main event better, and they have a good case, but I enjoyed this match immensely. Both wrestlers scouted each other very well and played out a fairly flawless match. I loved Chavo's counter of the West Coast Pop. I don't think I've ever seen someone do it that well. To end the match, finally Chavo gets the recognition he deserves and wins the cruiserweight title. I've been a fan of Chavo for as long as I've seen him wrestle, but he's always been overshadowed by Eddie in the critics' minds. I'm glad then that Chavo got a great opportunity to shine on his own.

Closing in on the end of the second hour of the PPV was Kurt Angle vs. Big Show vs. John Cena. I honestly wasn't that thrilled about seeing this match for a few reasons. First, I kept wanting to compare it to Angle vs. Show vs. Brock at Vengeance last year. That triple threat match for the WWE title, mind you, was TERRIBLE. It was the worst Smackdown! main event match in 2003, and the only difference between that match and this new one was that John Cena would be taking the place of the more talented Brock Lesnar. It seemed like a recipe for disaster, but I was pleasantly surprised. I thought the match told a good story, first with Angle and Cena taking turns trying to get Show off his feet, then with Cena re-injuring his knee (storyline-wise), then with everyone trading the upper-hand and using a moderate number of finishers. I also thought it was pretty hilarious when Cena pumped his shoes up before attacking Show. I had a pair of sneakers just like those when I was about eight or nine. This match, while not the most technically sound match ever, was definitely a really "fun" match, that all fans can enjoy.

Finally the main event. Eddie Guerrero vs. Brock Lesnar was nothing like I thought it'd be, but everything I could've hoped for. I honestly thought this match would be all about pure agility and technical moves. Imagine my surprise, when Eddie and Brock decided to make the majority of this match a submission match. There were some pretty brilliant counters and holds, and I almost never got the sense that they were "just resting" by holding on for too long. Also, I have to say that a match of this style might not have worked if the crowd wasn't screaming and on their feet the entire time. I really have to give it up for the fans in San Francisco. You guys just rock. The ending of the match was absolutely brilliantly written, in my opinion. Of course Goldberg got the spear on Brock. I predicted that, but I was afraid they would make it look like Brock lost in a screwjob ending. Fortunately, Brock did not get pinned after a spear, or even a spear/frog-splash combo. Eddie tried to take out Brock with the WWE title, but Brock ducked and took out Eddie! Then, he went for the F5, but Eddie countered into a tornado DDT right onto the championship belt! Frog-Splash, and we have a new champion. That's what you call a great way to make Eddie look good.

I think if I was taking into account emotional value, Eddie-Brock would easily be the best of the night, as I seriously started to tear up a little when I saw Eddie celebrating with the championship belt. However, for pure wrestling and pure wrestling alone, I have to give the match of the night to Rey and Chavo. The last three matches definitely made this whole PPV a worthwhile buy, and I give credit for a good opener too. Vengeance was a great buy as well, as it had what I consider the fourth best match of 2003 (Eddie vs. Benoit) and the fifth best match of 2003 (Filthy Animals vs. Team Not-Angle) on the same card. However, that was all it had. The rest of the card, well, stunk. The main event was atrocious, unlike No Way Out, which had a great main event. Some people liked the Vengeance main event, and that's okay, but I think I liked this PPV better overall. I say this was the most worthwhile PPV experience since Wrestlemania 19. Good show.

What's Your Story?

So this week was the first Smackdown! between No Way Out and Wrestlemania, and it was yet another week of Mania hype on RAW. This isn't a bad thing certainly, but some events did leave me thinking.

First of all, I'm glad that Kurt went ahead and turned heel already. If they drew it out until a week or two from now, there would've been no time to build a proper Eddie vs. Angle match. Hell, there still isn't enough time to build a proper match really, what with the brand split and all, but I'm glad that Kurt did what he should have done MONTHS ago. I still stand by the idea that Kurt Angle is neither a great babyface nor a draw as a babyface. He is a great heel, and he should continue to be a great heel for the rest of his career.

Follow my reasoning here. Sure, the established fans cheered for Kurt upon his return from injury because they respect his wrestling ability. This is despite the fact that his entire character is based on being an All-American to a fault. He is arrogant, corny, and most of all, a dork. He likes to drink his milk instead of beer. That kind of character may have flown with the audiences in the 80s, but this is the 21st century. If Angle were an unknown wrestler who was introduced with his gimmick but as a face, it would bomb. That's exactly what the casual fan sees when he or she turns on the television and sees this goofy guy in red spandex fighting as the top babyface. They won't want to watch that, and quite frankly, maybe they shouldn't have to. It's also quite obvious that Angle's face pops have dwindled the past two or three months, so yes, he needed to turn heel again. His character was built to be a heel. Angle knows how to be a heel, and he's really damn good at it. Let him stay that way.

One thing I really appreciated was that Michael Cole and Tazz were completely silent during the entire heel beatdown on Eddie. The only break in the silence was for Tazz to say, "I'm stunned at what we're seeing. I don't know what to say." Really, he didn't even need to say that. Just watching the whole turn unfold with no commentary just made it that much creepier. You could cut the tension in that arena with a knife, and it almost gave me a chill. Jim Ross could use a lesson from Cole and Tazz about minimalism and sincerity.

Imagine if Kurt's heel turn happened on RAW.

JR: I have to say, King. Kurt Angle may be the greatest athlete alive, and he's a Hell of a guy. You look in that face, and you can't help but admire the determination of... BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! ANGLE IS HITTING EDDIE IN THE SKULL! THIS IS SICK! THAT MAN IS A REMORSELESS SON OF A BITCH! NEVER IN MY YEARS HAVE I EVER SEEN ANYTHING LOWER THAN THIS!

Maybe I finally understand why everything on RAW these days seems so overdone and old hat.

Another thing I noticed on Smackdown! was Brock Lesnar's wimpering plea to Vince McMahon to fight Goldberg at Wrestlemania. Like I said in my No Way Out review, I love this feud, but I also want to think of it as the collision of two unstoppable monsters. Then Brock comes out and just starts crying. I kept waiting for his tears to progress into anger or even maniacal laughter, but no, he just kept crying. It was different, to say the least. I do appreciate that Brock's been trying to keep his character fresh though. His promo last week on Eddie Guerrero was GODLY. Brock Lesnar dancing while wearing a sombrero has to be one of the funniest things I've ever seen on WWE television. I swear, as long as I live, I will never forget that image of Brock, and I hope I never do. It's great moments like Brock's dancing and subsequent trash-talking that make me forget about all the stuff I hate about wrestling. The things like the politics, giant but talentless thugs getting pushed over talented cruiserweights, RAW, I forget about all those things when I get a pure, sweet moment like that. I can just sit back and enjoy it, no matter who I thought might come out on top of the feud.

The one thing that really worries me about Brock, is that supposedly Goldberg only has one date left on his contract. Obviously, if there is only one more date on his contract, it's going to be Wrestlemania. The problem is, they have to hype that match between now and Wrestlemania. How can you hype a match when half of it isn't on the show? Is Goldberg going to appear in prerecorded promo segments for a month? Even the Rock couldn't pull that one off too gracefully. I really hope the WWE has a good plan, or even better, are willing to write a nice check to Goldberg to get him to appear on a couple more shows before the big day.


On RAW, I was fairly unhappy that Chris Benoit had to lose to Shawn Michaels in a one-on-one match, even if it was because of Triple-H's distraction. He's the Royal Rumble winner, and now he already looks like Shawn Michaels' second-banana going into Wrestlemania. How often has the Rumble winner lost a singles match between the Rumble and Mania? Well, of course there was the Rock in 2000 who lost to Big Show at No Way Out, and of course he won at Wrestle... oh wait, the Rock lost that year. Well, okay. Triple-H lost to Kurt Angle at No Way Out before going on to win at Wrestlemania. So that means there's a good chance Triple-H will once again defy the odds and beat Benoit... wait, crap. Benoit loses in both situations. This is definitely not looking good so far. All I can say is that Benoit better get a pinfall over Michaels in the next couple of weeks, or it's all over already.

I don't know if I've mentioned this, but the main event should not be a triple-threat match. It's a terrible idea, as the focus should be on Rumble winner versus Champion, a clash of the immovable object and the unstoppable force. This triple-threat crap is just a gimmick, and it's also a way to get Triple-H to save face if he has to drop his title. I also heard they might make it a ladder match. HA! A big goofy gimmick in the middle of the main event of Wrestlemania? I think not. That takes away even more from the match, and it also makes it impossible for any of the men to get pinned or submit, which doesn't put over anybody.

I think it's already going to stink to not see Goldberg hype his match against Lesnar for contractual reasons. On the flip side of the coin, it looks like Undertaker isn't even going to appear on television until Wrestlemania either. They want to preserve the unveiling of the old Deadman until then. In the meantime, Kane's doing the exact same thing every week. He fights some random person who he's not even feuding with. After the match, some pyrotechnic scares him. Kane runs away. Same thing every week. Okay, well this week it was "rain." Oooo, not rain! Maybe Undertaker will make Kane's skin prune! The horror.

Ask Triple-H

HHH: Hey... this is Triple-H coming to you from my home in Stanford. You may be wondering why I'm in this wheelchair. Well, it's because of that damned Donovan McNabb! I swear, I will hold down the entire sports world until I get my revenge on that overrated pansy! I am the Game, and I get what I want. You notice how I haven't wrestled the last couple episodes of RAW? Well, you can get mad at that man for depriving you of my wonderful presence in the ring. Sure, you saw me walking around with my belt, but only a man of my incredible stamina and willpower could get out of his wheelchair for the duration of that entire segment. I am the single most resiliant athlete in the history of human movement, and I prove it time after time. Enough about me though. Let's answer some emails, addressed to me, about me.

i am wondering triple hhh if you realize that you are not really over anymore...your crowd pops have died down, and if your not wrestling shawn micheals in san antonio your matches are silent

Kevin


HHH: I think there's something you're not "getting," Kevin. I have something that other wrestlers do not, and that's the mark of a truly great wrestler. You see, a great wrestler doesn't need crowd pops. In fact, the greatest wrestlers wrestle in silence. One who has truly mastered his craft can wow the crowd to such a degree that they become, as the late great philosopher Tony Schiavone once said, "stunned in amazement." Did you see my match against Spike Dudley? The crowd was so silent you could cut the tension with a knife, much like I cut Rob Van Dam's paycheck. In this day and age, there are very few wrestlers up on that high tier of being able to amaze the crowd: Greats like myself, Mark Henry, John Heidenreich, and Garrison Cade. Little 12 year-old worms may not be able to appreciate such a distinguished style of wrestling, but you're not a worm, are you Kevin? Yeah, that's what I thought.

That's all for this week, so get out of my face. It's time for my medicine.

Final Thought

Just THREE MORE WEEKS until Wrestlemania. Oh, I'm starting to get that fever. Three more episodes of RAW. Three more episodes of Smackdown! Hopefully, there'll be a lot of cool storyline twists in that time as well. I've seen a lot of good things happen in the WWE that are making me excited about Wrestlemania, which is definitely a good thing. The WWE's storylines have been slumping in the past few months to the point where football was the only thing really keeping me from turning off the TV almost. Wrestlemania season is necessary to reignite that flame of passion I have for the sport each year, but it always seems to do the trick. Until next time, take it easy.

-Snapple

Do you like to email celebrities? Settle for me instead! happydude5000@msn.com

Questions for Triple-H should include the phrase "Ask Triple-H" in the subject header.

Click to order the greatest book you don't own, Wrestlecrap: The Book!








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