Wrestling in a Bottle: Rumble Review, RAW & Smackdown Thoughts, SuperBowl, and more
Submitted by Snapple on Saturday, January 31, 2004 at 11:37 PM EST



Hello and welcome to the PRE-SUPERBOWL EDITION of Wrestling in a Bottle. I haven't lost sight of the fact that this is a wrestling column, but if you're like me, for at least one weekend, football trumps wrestling every year, and that's SuperBowl weekend. I will do a brief SuperBowl summary going into the show, followed by a review of the Royal Rumble, and topping off with some of the great stuff that happened this past week on RAW and Smackdown!, which were great this week, I must say.

Let's jump into it, Super Troopers.

Are You Ready For Some FOOTBALL?

I duely apologize for not having faith in the Panthers last week when I should have known better. I predicted last week that we'd see an Eagles-Patriots SuperBowl, with the small chance of the Colts would sneak by. I, however, having not very closely followed the Panther's regular season, simply could not accept that a win over my fabulous St. Louis Rams was anything more than a fluke. Then I thought, I like the Packers too, and the Eagles just beat them. There's no way the Panthers can make lightning strike twice and beat the team that beat the Packers. Well, I was wrong, but I'm HAPPY to be wrong. No team has done more to win me over in this post-season than the Panthers, and after cheering for them to beat the Eagles, I will now be cheering for them to beat the Patriots.

The Patriots to me are just a boring team. I mean no offense to Pats fans, but they're boring. Their main strongpoint is their super-tight defense, which keeps their opposing teams from getting enough points to win, but lacks the flash-boom-bang that I tend to like when I watch football. They do say that defense wins championships, and in many ways, that's true, but defense will NEVER be as exciting as offense. GO OFFENSE! Tom Brady, I feel, is getting too much hype. Sure, he's a decent quarterback, but he's not even in the top five as far as QBs this season, and some people are now saying he should've been the MVP, not Manning and McNair. Yeah, okay. Well, I have my own opinions, and my field is wrestling, not football. Brady may be a better QB than Delhomme (emphasis on "may"), but part of that is simply his offensive line giving him great protection. If Peyton Manning had that kind of coverage, we might be seeing a different SuperBowl.

I take nothing away from the Patriots though. The Pats are, I believe, the most solid team in the NFL right now. They're obviously not the best in every facet, but they're the biggest sum of their parts. The defense is scary, the QB is doing well from his pocket, and the offensive line isn't too shabby either. Carolina also has an all-star defense, which should potentially make this a low-scoring SuperBowl all around. Delhomme is doing pretty damn good, although I may say he's also getting a bit more hype than he may deserve going into this game. The reason I say that is because the Panthers unquestionably favor the running game over the passing game. I feel because of that, Delhomme hasn't truly been tested yet. That doesn't mean he's bad, just that it's hard to guage right now how great he is or will be.

This brings me to what I feel is the difference-maker in this game. The Panthers will run more, and the Pats will pass more. From my experience, the running game is more likely to fail against a high-powered defense than a passing game. I could be wrong in this case, and it could come down to whose defense can stop the ball more, but I do think that because of the passing game, the Patriots have a little more of an edge.

I do not at all think that either team has a clear-cut victory here. The Panthers are worthy opponents, and both teams will have to work for a victory. If I were a betting man, which I'm not really, I'd put my money on the Patriots. Instead, I'm going to root for the underdogs, the guys who have impressed me beyond anything I could've predicted. Goooooo Panthers!

Don't think this is one of those "I'm being a Panthers fan for a weekend and then not caring tomorrow" things. Out of the final four teams, the Panthers were the ones I wanted to win it all, and I will definitely be following this team more closely next season and watching more of their games. Maybe after a while, there may be a pedestal up there for the Panthers next to my two favorite teams, the Rams and the Raiders, with the Packers hovering somewhere in third.

I am super-psyched for the Bowl game this year, and I hope everyone else is, too. My early prediction for Bowl MVP is HE HATE ME. (Well, not really, but a man can dream.) In closing, I'd just like to point out that Bill Belichick has the personality of a boiled turnip. I'm not saying that's a BAD thing necessarily, just that I have a narcoleptic fit everytime I hear him at a press conference.

Royal Rumble Review

I honestly don't know why I both ordering WWE PPVs anymore. There's no way you can scrape together enough "good" per show to warrant the $35 American it costs to buy on cable or even the $18 it costs to get the webcast. Maybe for Wrestlemania, but not for most PPVs. I can pinpoint exactly everything good and bad that happened this past Sunday, so let's hop to it.

The opening match was The Dudley Boys vs. Ric Flair & Batista. Now I really wasn't looking forward to this match in the first place, as there's no way an over the hill Flair could carry the weight of a shitty tag team and a shitty tag partner. However, when I saw that the match only lasted four minutes, even I felt a little cheated. A hot opener this was not. It was more like any old match you'd see on RAW one week, except maybe a little worse.

The following match was Rey Mysterio vs. Jamie Noble for the cruiserweight championship. Getting a good match out of these two should be a no brainer, but good lord, only three minutes? The only matches on FREE television these days that are less than three minutes usually involve Shannon Moore and a random hoss. This match was worthless, although it did allow Rey-Rey to break his PPV streak; that streak being that he's lost every single PPV match he's had since coming to the WWE. Go ahead and think about it if you don't believe me.

The third match was the one that I personally was most looking forward to, that being Eddie Guerrero vs. Chavo Guerrero. This match SHOULD have blown the roof off the building. Hell, it should've been a match of the year candidate. However, Vince's "Less is More" bullshit and the dismal eight minutes this match was allowed totally ruined the experience. Don't get me wrong, there have been good eight minute matches, but it's hard to develop anything good that quickly unless both workers are moving at a really fast pace. However, the match was slower than what Eddie and Chavo were capable of, and just when I thought it might pick up a little steam, it ended rather abruptly. Eddie also acted a little heelish after the match and never really played to the crowd at all. I wish he would've, because the fans were really dead at this point and looking for something to get them on their feet.

The fourth match was Hardcore Holly vs. Brock Lesnar. Now, as much as I hate Hardcore Holly, he is a decent brawler, and I firmly thought Brock could carry him to a solid match. What I got was a seven minute match that contained six minutes of restholds. At least Brock got the clean finish after one F5, which is exactly how the match should've ended. I had a Hardcore Holly fan rag on me after one of my recent columns where I said his push was doomed to fail because he's a nobody. Well, let's just see where Holly goes from here on out. Despite being in a "main event" match at the Rumble, I still firmly stand that Holly won't make it to the Wrestlemania card at all.

The fifth match was Shawn Michaels vs. Triple-H in essentially a watered down version of their match from three weeks ago, except with more bleeding and a bullshit finish. The first four matches were all cut way shorter than what they should've been so that we had time for this match. Did it deliver? Hell no. It was decent at best, but why should I accept mediocrity just because that's the best that Triple-H can possibly do? Triple-H is slow, and Michaels is talented but goes through the motions. It's so obvious that he does it, but I guess the WWE officials either don't see it or don't care. Anyway, the match went to a DRAW. Now, for those of my readers who don't understand the purpose of a Last Man Standing match, and I'm sure most of you do, it's that two people pummel each other until only one is left standing. It's a match designed for the purpose so that there can be an absolute winner without any excuses. So imagine my surprise when the referee decided to ring the bell with both men knocked out. Clearly, the fans in Philly are smart people, as the plenty of "bullshit" chants following the ending could attest to. My question is this. Why did the WWE have HBK and Triple-H feud in the first place if they didn't want either man to lose? And then why book them in a match like this? It makes no sense. No sense at all.

A couple of noteworthy things happened right before the start of the Rumble. First of all, Eric Bischoff came out and prattled about how RAW was going to come out on top in the Rumble and started dissing Smackdown! This prompted Paul Heyman to come out and have a standoff against Bischoff. Just wow, I think that was the first time Bischoff and Heyman were ever on television together, the mastermind behind WCW and the mastermind behind ECW in the same ring standing nose to nose. The irony of course that by the time the WCW and ECW brains would come together, it would be while they're both peons in Vince McMahon's empire, long fallen from the days when they actually wielded power. Heyman actually pounced on Bischoff and started beating the crap out of him, but then Austin had to come out and ruin the moment. Stunners all around, yippee doodle.

Backstage, Goldberg is being interviewed by Terri when he's interrupted by Brock, who points out the way Goldberg so rudely interrupted his interview back at Survivor Series. They both have a rather intriguing exchange of insults, capping off with Goldberg showing Brock's cowardice by teasing that Hardcore Holly was standing right behind him. As much as I dislike Goldberg, I'd really, really like to see a feud between these two.

FINALLY, the only thing worthwhile of the night, the Royal Rumble. What a good Rumble it was, too, that so nicely set up several key matches. Kane was eliminated by Booker T, as I suspected he would be, but only after Kane was distracted by his brother's entrance music. Taker never came out, but it wasn't necessary. Now every knows (as if they couldn't figure it out before) that Taker is coming after Kane, and surely they shall clash at the PPV of Kings, Wrestlemania. In the following weeks, we'll also get to see Kane demolish Booker T. Hooray! I think? Mick Foley knocked Test out cold before he could enter the Rumble and became a surprise entrant. The crowd went ballistic when he just ran amok all over Randy Orton, and that was honestly the only really loud moment of the night. Big Show was at the same time impressive and weak. He lasted a long time simply because nobody could get him over the top rope, even in groups. However, everyone just pounded the crap out of him, and he instantly tapped to no less than three submission moves. See what I mean about Show's weak booking? I marked out for the F5 on Goldberg. I honestly never saw it coming, and Goldberg just got drilled. For the first time since I was letdown during the Rock-Goldberg match, I am actually looking forward to a Goldberg match. I think Goldberg-Lesnar is a fantastic idea, which is partially why I included it on my fantasy Wrestlemania card a while ago. Benoit won the whole damn thing, and every smark on the internet simultaneously creamed his pants. Maybe he'd be more over if the WWE didn't spend the last year completely demolishing his character. As a long, longtime fan of Benoit, I am stunned, in awe, and I just pray that he goes over Hunter at Wrestlemania.

Read my lips and read them now. If Triple-H does not lose that world title CLEANLY at Wrestlemania this year, RAW is done. Stick a fork in it, because that's all she wrote. It's gotten to the point where the fans don't even believe anymore that people can beat Triple-H. He hasn't lost a feud since his program with the Undertaker in early 2002, he's won more world titles in the WWE than any wrestler ever, Triple-H has been in the world title match at Wrestlemania three times, and he's won ALL three times, whether heel or face. Triple-H will always be a main eventer. He can afford to lose and elevate other athletes, but he just doesn't. He's killing RAW, and if he fails to put over the face at Wrestlemania AGAIN, I truly believe it's the end for RAW. Period.

What's Your Story?

Indeed, what is the story for the post-Rumble editions of Smackdown! and RAW? All I can say is hot damn, I am vindicated for that crappy PPV. I think Tito put it best when he said that finally, we have a show with a Wrestlemania feel to it! Even though RAW was more of a sports entertainment show, it was good entertainment.

For once, RAW starts off with a speech, not from Vince McMahon, not from Eric Bischoff, not from the "sheriff," but Chris Jericho! I would not complain if Jericho opened and closed every episode of RAW. The first match was a good 15-20 minute tag match between RVD, Jericho, and Evolution. It was a very solid match, as there were four other men in the ring to carry the ball for the weak man in the match... Batista. Yes, I just put RVD ahead of Batista, if any smarks were wondering. Solid match, that showed off the best of Orton, Jericho, and RVD, and a great way to start of the show.

While I'm on the subject, kudos to Randy Orton for his great praise of RVD on his website recently. In his commentary, he basically admitted that during his rematch with RVD on RAW a few weeks ago, he was knocked so hard, that he barely moved during the commercial break in the middle of that match, and that RVD helped carry him the rest of the way of that very lengthy match. He even called RVD a "true ring general." Seeing that I have come around to liking Randy Orton despite his big push that's allegedly being very protected by Triple-H, I'm glad that he has kept his head on straight, or at least is showing signs of it. A big ego is the fastest way to create a lazy wrestler.

So Benoit came down and confronted Triple-H and Shawn Michaels to officially declare he was going to be part of the RAW main event of Wrestlemania. Even though I knew it would happen, it was still a great feeling. I guess this means HBK and Triple-H are going to have a rematch in the next couple weeks? Or perhaps it'll be a triple-threat main event. Yuck, I would rather just have a simple Benoit-HHH match than have HBK try to outshine Benoit.

The main event of the show was actually an interview segment with Mick Foley, but listening to Foley explain his actions was a bigger ratings grab than most of the main events RAW can produce. The interview segment was great, intense, Oscar-worthy, a clubbering good time. Not only was the crowd eating the entire thing up, but so was I. From what I understand, in addition to using Mick's return match to draw more fans to Wrestlemania, the long-term plan for this storyline is to make Randy Orton look like a superstar. So far, they're doing a damn good job of it. He looks like a legitimate opponent for Foley, is having some great matches, and the "Paid by the Friends and Supporters of Randy Orton" stuff is great. I was talking to fellow LOP forums poster SpinnyFluKick while he was watching RAW on delay, and he told me he was genuinely freaked out when Mick beat himself in the head until he started bleeding. I have to agree, that was pretty messed up, but damn, that's a way to get some heat on a feud.

Smackdown!, Smackdown!, Smackdown!... what a show, although I only remember three things about it.

First, I remember seeing Paul London in a match on television! Hallelujah! And no, Velocity does not count as television. How he and Billy Kidman got a tag title shot despite never teaming together is just another example of screwy WWE writing, but I won't complain much. As soon as I saw this match though, I already knew what they were going after. Before London started in the WWE, he was asked what he would do about his finisher, a Shooting-Star Press variation called the London Calling. This might potentially be an issue with him being in the same company as Billy Kidman, a man who's been notoriously egotistical when it comes to other people stealing "his" finisher. London suggested that perhaps an angle would be worked where either London would feud with Kidman over the move, or he would become like an apprentice type character to Kidman. Now, it looks like that may happen, and London may very well be able to start using his finisher again. I look forward to where this develops.

The second thing I remember was an interview with Brock Lesnar about his sparked rivalry with Goldberg. The people in the arena were ALL OVER Brock. Those were the loudest "Goldberg" chants I've heard in a very long time. Brock responded well and ripped into the crowd. It makes me think this feud may very well be a big draw for the company.

The most memorable thing about the show of course was the mini-Rumble they had. Why they didn't just call it a Battle Royal, I don't know, but it was a great match. Eddie and Angle going at it at the end was a good finish to Eddie getting the win. Even though the Eddie-Angle match at Wrestlemania is only a slight rumor right now, I would BET MONEY that Kurt is the one who assaulted Eddie backstage, not Chavo. I'm calling it right now. Also, let's not forget who suggested an Eddie-Angle match in his fantasy Wrestlemania column last year. Oh yes, that was me. A couple of people sent me emails saying that the WWE would never go for that... that it was "a waste of Kurt Angle," and other things. Well, I disagree. This match could be the North American match of the DECADE, if these two men are given enough time and more importantly, allowed to work at their pace, not the Triple-H pace.

Oh yeah, and no matter what happens, we get an Eddie-Brock match as the main event for a PPV. Not bad if I do say so myself. It could be a great match. Nay, it SHOULD be a great match. It's too bad they're trying to make a Pay-Per-View with only THREE SHOWS to build it up, with one of those shows already eaten up. The WWE needs to give it up with this 12 PPV crap. More often than not, they have to scrape together a card for these PPVs that nobody wants to see because it has no hype. That's what No Mercy was. That's what Armageddon was, and that's what No Way Out is going to be.

Ask Triple-H

HHH: Hello, and welcome to the latest edition of "Ask Triple-H." I am, er... Triple-H. Today, I have a special surprise for all my fans. For my entire illustrious career, I've been interviewed by the biggest and brightest people in this or any business. Now I get to exercise my own interviewing chops, as this week, I have a special guest with me. Allow me to introduce one of the hardest working men in American football, Eagles Quarterback Donovan McNabb!

McNabb: It's good to be here, Hunter. To be speaking to big star of your chosen profession is an honor, and I'm a long time fan of wrestling.

HHH: Why yes, yes I am great. I suppose I do represent the biggest and best of my profession, something that you might also one day achieve... ha, who am I kidding? Well, at least you can say that you've *met* the best players in football, aye sport?

McNabb: You'd better watch your where this talk is going, champ. I'm not afraid to smart you up.

HHH: You're right. My bad. Let me just ask you, how did you feel when you blew the NFC championship game for the third year in a row? Oh MAN that must've felt bad. Or is the sting of failure something you're getting used to?

McNabb: Give me one more excuse to go over there and show you how the sting of failure really feels.

HHH: Hey, I'm just asking the questions. Give me one more chance, buddy.

McNabb: You have one question before I lose my temper.

HHH: Okay okay. So tell me... how did it feel when you realized that Rush Limbaugh was right about just how overrated you are?

McNabb: Say goodbye, Trippy.

*McNabb gets off his chair and tackles Triple-H in the mid-section before pummeling him in the skull. McNabb then brushes himself off and sits back down.*

McNabb: Triple-H decided to take his coffee break. Let's get to this week's letter, shall we?

Triple-H,
My question is can you have Vince McMahon rehire Grand Master Sexay?

cloy

McNabb: That's an interesting point you bring up, cloy. Of course as we all remember, Brian Lawler's departure from the WWE came after being convicted of drug possession, in this case cocaine. First and foremost, Lawler would have to prove that he is indeed able to stay out of trouble. There are times when the gamble to give wrestlers a second chance in this situation can be a huge risk, as it was with the Scott Hall fiasco. Then again, if it weren't for Eddie Guerrero getting a second chance, Smackdown! would currently lack one of its top babyfaces, who has also been proven to spike ratings specifically in the Hispanic markets. Another thing to consider is what place Lawler would have on WWE television. A reteaming with Scotty 2 Hotty might prove to be a joyous nostalgia reunion for some, time has taken its toll, and the two may well be out of sync with each other. Plus, Scotty's rustiness coming off his long neck injury and rehab. Since the WWE also seems to be in the process of laying off wrestlers to account for fiscal losses, the prospect seems unlikely. What do you think Triple-H?

HHH: Bad man... hurt me... keep it away, mommy!

McNabb: That's right. And what else do you have to say?

HHH: *grumbles* ...Eagles rule...

McNabb: I can't hear you.

HHH: EAGLES RULE!

McNabb: That's better. Until next time, kiddos! Keep sending your letters to Triple-H.

Final Thought

My final thought this week is the same as my first though, and that's the SuperBowl. If that wasn't obvious, then I obviously should've intermixed more football into my column. (Don't worry, I won't make a habit of it.) I hope everyone has a great Bowl weekend, and if you're not a fan of the sport, keep watching wrestling and coming to me for your wrestling commentary fix. You know you like it. Don't even lie to me.

-Snapple

Send feedback. It's good karma, and keeps you from burning in Hell. happydude5000@msn.com

Questions for Triple-H should include the phrase "Ask Triple-H" in the subject header.

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