The Rant of the Week: Royal Rumble Blunder and Why Vince is so paranoid
    Submitted by Phantom Lord on Monday, January 26, 2004 at 1:05 AM EST

    Greetings conversationalists all across the fruited plain, it is I your personal Harvester of Sorrow Phantom Lord and this is my Rant of the Week. Thanks to the power of the internet I didn’t have to order a horribly booked pay per view (Well a lack of money and just not wanting to order it factored into that decision) but fear not. Vince McMahon might be paranoid of the power of the Internet, but I am not and I plan on tearing Vinny Mac a new one this week. But first I’m going to do my half assed attempt at a review of the Royal Rumble so join me as I give to you…

    The Cliff Notes Version of Phantom Reviews The Royal Rumble.

    Thanks to the official Talk about the Royal Rumble thread in the ppv forum of LopForums.com, I was able to get the real fans perspective on the show. This Royal Rumble looked very solid on paper, but what was delivered can only be considered a joke at best. I mean you knew the PPV was gonna have a slight foulness to it when Josh Matthews said the dumbest thing ever to leave his mouth. “We’re gonna put some Extreme back in this city”. Or something to that effect because my jaw dropped when he said it. Matthews cant cut it as a real wrestler so he has the gaul to say the WWE is gonna put the Extreme back into Philly knowing that the ECW Arena is only a couple blocks away. If I were Al Snow, I would have slapped him for saying that especially since Snow wrestled Sabu last night at the ECW Arena for 3PW. But alas Matthews is an idiot, so it’s to be expected. But Sunday Night Heat had one good highlight before the ppv.

    Molly Holly vs. Victoria (Non-Title Match)

    You can’t say enough about these two fine women. I mean Molly is by far the most naturally beautiful woman in the WWE and Victoria probably has the Best overall body (By the way, WWWEDivas.com put up some pics of Victoria…Good God All Mighty is all I’m gonna say). This was a very good women’s match and Victoria won with an awesome version of the Widows Peak. That move is easily the move brutal in the company. My guess is there will be a women’s title match on RAW tomorrow and Victoria will finally win or Test will come out to cost her the gold to only piss off Stevie Richards even more.

    And now time for the Royal Rumble PPV. First up was the tables match between The Dudley’s and Ric Flair and that big muscle bound nimrod Dave. Only one man had to go through the tables so that right there said Flair wasn’t going through it. It also told you The Dudley’s would not be winning tonight and they didn’t. I love The Coach’s character, but for god’s sake this whole authority thing has run it’s course. Bring back The Dudley’s that the ECW fans know and love. Tomorrow on Raw I say just have them come out and destroy The new Ambiguously Gay Duo Cade and Jindrak. It’s the only thing that will save The Dudley’s at this point. It worked in the Mid 80’s when The Road Warriors suddenly turned heel on they’re friend Dusty Rhodes and tried to carve his eye out. Oh yeah…Dave put D-Von through a table. The Tables match is so 2000, it’s no longer fun.

    Up next was Rey Mysterio vs. Jamie “BY GOD” Noble W/Nidia and her nice big jugs. She’s blind in case you didn’t know. The match by all accounts was way to short and Nidia cost Jamie the match by tripping him. But it’s not like it’s her fault…SHE’S BLIND. Rey retains the title and to my shock there was no swerve. Nidia didn’t reveal she wasn’t blind. I guess that’s a blessing for Jamie because the last thing you want is a Hot Latin woman who is scorned. I guess they will have some sort of closure to this ridiculous blind angle on Smackdown, but Bob Holly had a World Title match so stranger things have happened.

    In what should have been the match of the night and possibly the match of the year, Eddie Guerrero took on Chavo Guerrero Jr.. Chavo Sr. was along for the ride again tonight and damn the WWE but they only gave Eddie and Chavo about 9 minutes for this match. For shame WWE, For Shame. Eddie won as was to be expected and then he tied Chavo Sr. to the ropes with his tie and he beat the ever living shit out of his poor nephew. Now word has it this was the end of the feud. I think not for you see Eddie is getting a WWE title shot next month supposedly. If the WWE were smart then Chavo would cost Eddie the match setting up a great Wrestlemania match between the two. If Benoit is going to Raw, then Eddie is going to have to carry the show. This is an angle of epic proportions and if they piss it away, then we will not be talking about the WWE come this time next year.

    Up next was Brock Lesnar vs. Hardcore Holly. As predicted by many, this match went Nine and a half minutes longer then it should of. Bob tried to be all-stiff and Lesnar did his best to sell for him and not kill him so quickly, but in the end Holly got F5’ed and the world is safer for another day. It came out that Bob and his good buddy Bradshaw were hazing the hell out of Spanky and Paul London. If we remember back to Tough Enough 2, Bob Holly beat the shit out of one the students in the ring. Then a couple weeks later he got dropped right on his head and he was out for 15 months with a broken neck. It’s called Karma and it’s fun to be a prick, but one day it will come to bite you right in the ass (Though he would probably like that). Ponder that Bob as you brutalize young kids for not paying their dues. I mean we can’t all be weekend warrior racecar drivers in the beginning of our careers. As for Bradshaw, I got three words for you. Stock Market Crash.

    Up next was Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels. It was a Last Man Standing match that was more of a Hardcore match since they both got to blade like it was 1985. But I don’t know how it was possible, but they used a fucking Dusty Finish in a last man standing match for the freaking world title. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but one would assume the match would have to go on until indeed a man was left standing. The fans promptly chanted Bullshit much like we did at WM 10 when Lex Luger got DQ’ed by Mr. Perfect for shoving him when he was about to win the world title. Now apparently Vince says everyone should wrestle like Triple H and Shawn. In other words you should slow down your match so Triple H can still look good because The Game just doesn’t have it left in the tank to wrestle like he used to. Vince a word of advice, you have a dwindling fan base and you just pissed a good portion of them off, Not a smart business move.

    Finally we have the Royal Rumble it self and as my friend Anthony said, Benoit winning made up for all the damn short matches. In between Benoit winning they teased the return of The Undertaker to eliminate Kane, Mick Foley jumped Test and made Randy Orton his bitch, and Brock Lesnar came out and F5’ed Goldberg. Goldberg all ready has said the hell with the WWE, so they might as well get that one match people would want to see before he leaves for working in Japan when he feels like it. Benoit is finally going to Wrestlemania and odds are he’s challenging Triple H. Word has it, he’s only going since he’s the only other person who can make Triple H look good in the ring besides Shawn Michaels. I don’t care why he goes, but he deserves a title run and after booking the PPV like they did tonight they fucking owe us.

    Overall this PPV gets my lowest rating ever…Seven Thumbs Up

    Well now it is time to dissect why Vince McMahon is so paranoid. He has threatened to fire who ever is leaking news to the internet. After all we are a bunch of scumbags who just bitch and moan. Well the way I see it, The Wrestling Internet is what you would call Free Market Research. Companies all over the world spend Billions each year just to figure out what you and me the consumer want and like. People like me write columns and others take to message board and say point blank what they like and what they don’t. Now I’ll admit 80% of what you will see is full of shit. Aside from the marks and the smarks who think Angle/Lesnar still can’t compare to Misiwa/Kawada since that was *****~~~! But in-between the bullshit you find the truth. I try to write this column from the perspective of a fan that has watched the WWF/E since the age of three. That’s over 20 years as a fan. I’ve seen the up’s and the down’s and the up’s and the down’s and the up’s and the down’s again. Right now the WWE is spiraling towards the firery wreck of WCW. There is time to pull up, but Vince and company would rather floor it into the ground then listen to some lowly fan as to how the company should be run.

    But all of this started when some meeting before RAW and Smackdown was leaked to the Net. In the past Vince has told his entire company to not talk to anyone on the Internet, but now he’s shutting everyone out. No interviews or anything. Doesn’t matter what site it is. If it’s on the Internet then it’s off limits. But fellow LOP Columnist Dumass raises an interesting point. Vince is getting paranoid because there is competition out there. MMA companies like PRIDE and UFC are developing more Sports Entertainment angles to their shows and NWA-TNA is actually getting noticed by more then 10 people. So what does he tell his wrestlers to do? Don’t turn your backs on your opponent. Respect the referee and above all else slow down in the ring. Basically he wants it like it was in the WWF back in the mid 80’s. If you ever watch WWF matches from back then, with the exception of a few (Steamboat vs. Savage) they were all slow and boring as hell(Billy Jack Haynes vs. Hercules).

    It’s crunch time for the WWE. If they drop the ball at Wrestlemania then they will not be in business come the end of the year. A lot of people will be out of a job simply because Vince McMahon was catering the show to himself and his personal amusement. Foley vs. Orton might be a good enough angle, but we shall see how they handle that on RAW. Can that carry RAW more then Triple H and Shawn Michaels ego fest? A lot can happen between now and Wrestlemania and on the same token a lot probably wont happen. What will happen is this. Vince McMahon will continue to ignore the fans who are telling what is wrong and he will continue to piss away his fortune as he uses RAW and Smackdown for his own enjoyment. If that happens, I hope the stockholders of the WWE seek charges against McMahon for fraud and take him to court for every last penny leaving him bankrupt like all the companies he’s looted over the years. Like I said earlier, Karma is a bitch.

    That’s it for this week. Stay tuned to LOP because sometime this week I hope to have an exclusive interview with former WCW Star and Current Indy World Champion The Stro. That’s just getting things warmed up because we here at LOP might be getting another big interview soon. But for now, you all will just have to wait. But I promise it will be good.

    So until next time take care and remember, someone has to tell you this information so it might as well be me. {S Bob Grant

    And Now the Plugs

    Visit the Lord's of Pain Message Board. Home to the Psychotic Wrestling Alliance and some of the best discussions on Wrestling, Entertainment, and Politics around

    Visit the official home of Chris The Brain. The Voice of the United Wrestling Council

    Visit what has come to be known as The Raven Effect (The Official Website of Raven)

    Visit Spiritual Fitness Wear, A clothing line from Two Time W.O.W World Champion Heather Lee Millard

    Send All Feedback & Comments to Me

    Note if you don’t label it as Feedback, then it gets deleted with all the spam mail for drugs and porn that I get.




    *NEW GALLERY* Over 14 Total HIGH QUALITY Maria 2008 PB Photos! MUST SEE!

  • Quick Links -
    [Back to LOP] [News Archives] [Results] [Columns] [Forums]