WWE Royal Royal Results 1/25/04
Submitted by Steven "Rommel" Schaeffer on Sunday, January 25, 2004 at 11:08 PM EST
A video package, focusing on the changes that can occur in an instant, opens the show – and the road to Wrestlemania. Coach, JR and the King are your Raw announcers and Michael Cole and Tazz are your Smackdown! announcers. Amazingly enough, our Spanish announcers are also introduced.
Match #1: Raw Tag Title Match, Tables Match, the Dudley Boyz versus Batista and Ric Flair (Champions). The teams teased the tables from the moment bell rang, often times only a moment away from putting a member of the opposing team through a table. The announcers reminded everyone that this match ends after only one team member goes through a table repeatedly. After throwing Flair off the top rope while Batista was indisposed Bubba called for a 3D. Coach ran down to ringside and got pulled in. They went for the groin head butt but Flair made the save. Out of no where Batista ran back into the ring and gave Devon a spine buster through a table to end the short match. Afterward, Ric Flair would declare Evolution for life!
Josh from Tough Enough interviewed John Cena backstage, who gave a tremendous wrap. “These twenty-nine other guys, they can’t see me. Tonight, the Royal Rumble is going to be won by…” And guess who pops onto screen? “R…V…D.”
Match #2: Smackdown! Cruiserweight Title Match, Jaime Noble w/Nidia versus Rey Mysterio Jr. (Champion)
The announcers said that Jaime Noble is a mat-based wrestler. I guess they never watched WCW during its decline. Zut allures. The two would wrestle a fast-paced match up that was woefully too short. Jaime Noble was accidentally tripped up by his no-sighted girlfriend, who apparently thought it was the Champion running the ropes. The distraction allowed Mysterio to set up the 619 and go right into the springboard leg drop for the victory.
A commercial for WWE Originals runs on this Pay-Per-View. After watching Rikishi make love to the microphone a long video package detailing the break-up of Los Guerreros and the subsequent entry of Kurt Angle and Chavo Sr. runs.
Match #3: Chavo Guerrero w/ Chavo Guerrero Sr. versus Eddie Guerrero
Big Eddie chants from the moment he enters in his low-rider. This was the first real match of the night, featuring actual wrestling and psychology instead of randomly connected spots. They teased repeated collar and elbow tie-ups to start, where Chavo would come out on the losing end of only to slip free and slap Eddie across the face. Finally after the third one Eddie broke free and slapped Chavo. Things got intense, the two began viciously trading slaps and flying about the inside and outside of the ring. After an excellent match Eddie climbed to the top rope and delivered the Frog Splash for the pin fall. Afterwards the volcano of Eddie exploded. In a mad rage he tied Chavo Sr. to the bottom rope by his necktie and then beat Chavo to a pulp, seemingly trying to rip his eyes out of his head in front of Chavo’s father.
A commercial for WWE Fanatic, The Ultimate Ric Flair Collection, shows. Backstage Chris Benoit is just beginning to talk about his chances for the Royal Rumble when Batista, Randy Orton and Ric Flair enter. Ric Flair tells everyone that Evolution are the real stars. He compliments Benoit of being the best technical wrestler of all time, but he always comes up short. Woo! Spray that Champaign Nature Boy! The announcers ponder whether or not Benoit can really win the big one. The video package for Hardcore Holly’s feud with Brock Lesnar plays.
Match #4: Smackdown! WWE Championship Match, Hardcore Holly versus Brock Lesnar (Champion)
Two men that are retard strong beat living hell out of each other up on my TV. Every move and punch was stiff, even when Lesnar’s neck hit the ring post. Holly tried to assault the champion to start, but after a snap suplex that was so fast the ref had to dodge out of the way Lesnar took the match to the ground with a variety of molds and stretches. Unfortunately, the two did not express enough energy to have these resemble anything but rest holds. When the action returned to a vertical position Brock’s suplexes and Holly’s lariats and clotheslines are quite vicious. Holly used the Alabama Slam to set up the full nelson, actually jumping up to curl Brock backwards to the ground. He dragged him under the ropes and squeezed him. When Brock came back to the ring he gave Holly a stun gun to snap his neck awkwardly. The F-5 finished off Hardcore.
Backstage the Raw main event wrestler’s prepare, Triple H has his trainer tie his fingers while Shawn Michaels prays to his Lord. The video package for these two plays, accentuating the point that Smackdown! is about wrestling and personal vendettas while Raw is about side-shows and Triple H.
Match #5: Raw WWE Championship Match, Last man Standing, Shawn Michaels versus HHH (Champion)
The pay-per-view started an hour ago and we are already up to the fifth match. To accentuate the point that Hunter’s match is more important than anyone else’s, this match had Howard Finkel give a much grander introduction than anything prior. Shawn was pure gold during this outing. The only thing that mad the match lag was the silly stipulation which made all the early near falls and submission moves pointless and the fact that Hunter simply couldn’t keep up when they were in the ring doing traditional wrestling. That is not an insult; few men alive ever have been able to keep up with Shawn. Hunter was going to pedigree Michaels through the announce table but Shawn fought out of it and teased putting Hunter through the adjacent Spanish table. The crowd booed heavily HHH fell off to the side. Later, Michaels back body-dropped Hunter over the top rope to the outside. When he tried to follow up with a springboard-cross body Triple H dodge and Shawn flew into the Spanish announce table and bladed. From here, he wore a wicked crimson mask and teased getting up at the last moments of every referee ten-count. Yet he always managed a slight comeback, frustrating the Champion. Paul (You heard me, I called him Paul!) got a chair and tried to keep Shawn down with a shot to the back of the head. Dripping blood, Shawn still got up. Hunter went to pedigree the bloody HBK only to get flung onto it by his legs and eat a turn buckle after a sling shot. From somewhere Shawn found the strength to give Hunter a chair shot. Triple H bladed now. Suddenly, Shawn shot up, delivered a long elbow drop and tuned up the band. Hunter punched HBK in the groin to kill the miraculous comeback. But the challenger would not be denied. He got the sleeper hold, but Hunter answered the official’s ten-count. The two continued to fight hard, bloody messes each of them. Shawn flipped over the turnbuckle hard, suspended up top. Hunter went to suplex him down – but HBK turned into it. Hunter would soon score with the pedigree, and he would rise only at six. The crowd was so into it at this point that they literately willed Shawn to his feet at nine. Hunter stumbled over to try it again but ate Sweet Chin Music out of no where. Both men were down and the referee counted – to ten! The official ruled it a draw to the audible (“Boo!” and “Bullshit” chants) disappointment of the crowd. After the match Evolution tended to their fallen leader. Both the Champion and the Challenger were placed on stretchers, but Shawn Michaels rolled off and determinedly walked out of the arena on his own two feet.
In just forty-nine days Wrestlemania XX comes to my home town, New York City! Oh yeah, and there are thirty men trying to get there tonight – as detailed by the Royal Rumble video package. Most prominently featured entrants in the video package were Chris Benoit and Bill Goldberg. Your announcers for the match are Jim Ross and Tazz. Eric Bishoff enters the arena, lauding the superior nature of Raw. He runs down Paul Heyman’s little shows held here in Philly, which were in a Bingo Hall. The Smackdown! General Manager enters the ring, and I freak out at the visual of Eric Fricken Bishoff staring down Paul Fricken Heyman. This business is surreal sometimes. Paul teases that he is speechless, and then attacks Eric. Austin comes out on his little ATV and berates the GM’s for breaking the law. Stone Cold asks who started it, and Paul pleads that Eric started it. Steve stuns Bishoff and drinks beer with Paul. Apparently Paul has never watched WWE television before, because he too gets stunned. Stone Backstage, Terri moves to interview Bill Goldberg. Before we can get word from the number thirty entrant, Brock Lesnar enters. Brock mentions the last time they met, Bill was the champion. Goldberg says that was the past – the future is about tonight. Yeah… He says he’s going to win the Rumble and go on to regain his title, and references Holly being behind Brock. Lesnar jumps and Bill says that Mick Foley isn’t the coward. Tazz gives his methods for winning the Rumble: Out of sight out of mind, conditioning and higher number is your friend.
Match #6: The Royal Rumble
There was a scant one minute between each entrant, much like the last time the favorite entered number one, which is when HBK won. Not to worry, JR would lie about the time throughout the match. Someone on the writing team watched their Flair DVD today. Much like in ninety-two every new player in the Rumble immediately went after Benoit. Most of the time they were outclassed bye Benoit, with the superior technical skills of the rapid wolverine proving too much for those who stood in his way. When they did get offense on him they were always sure to make sure to eat a suplex or two from Benoit when he recovered. Tajiri used the mist to blind Henry before being tossed, allowing Benoit to toss the large Henry. For a brief period Matt Morgan (Who is huge, by the way) reined supreme. Hurricane came in and dared to stand toe to toe with him, and was promptly body slammed out. It looked like he hurt his leg on the landing. His dominance ended when the Big Red Machine came in and gave everyone a choke slam. JR incorrectly called Kane the record holder for the most eliminated opponents with eleven. After Kane finished with everyone in the ring, the clock counted down… to the Undertaker’s gong! I can’t tell you how many E-mails I got predicting that exact finish. Kane was distracted long enough for Booker T to throw him over. The Undertaker did not come out, instead Spike Dudley did. Kane choke slammed him on the ring steps. I would like to say, A-Train might be the most disgusting human being I have ever seen. He actually looks worse shaved, with his jiggling flesh and body stubble. What was wrong when he used to wear the black shirt and pants? Benoit and Orton started to go nuts here, mutually eliminating the other men in the ring and we resume with the two original entrants. The two accidentally hit one another head first and were down when Earnest “The Cat” Miller entered with his personal announcer Lamont. Instead of throwing the two men over he danced. Somebody call his momma, Benoit and Orton just got up. Benoit eliminated Lamont (hair, and then the person) and Orton eliminated Ernie. When Angle entered he and Chris dueled while Randy wisely took a breather in the corner. Test never answered his music, and backstage they found him mysteriously laid out. Austin told someone off camera that he was the twenty-first entrant. Out walked the real Hardcore Legend, who beat Orton senseless before taking them both outside with the Cactus clothesline. He continued the assault on the outside. When officials tried to intervene, Mick accidentally clobbered them with the ring steps. Orton began to fight back; giving Mick the vicious chair shots that he was famous for being crazy enough to take. Mick got the better of him, and was readying the Socco-Claw when Nunzio entered. He ate the claw instead, and Orton escaped to the back. Eventually focus would return to the ring, when Big Show entered to take on every man in the ring. Quickly all the competitors teamed up against him but still were unable to toss the Giant. Charlie Haas entered and I realized I had no idea who was who on that tag team. I have it marked clearly below. Christian turned on Jericho, but was tossed for his evil ways. The 1 Billy Gunn has the worst music of all time to this day. John Cena is ridiculously over by the way, and smart. He threw Nunzio into the ring from where he had been hiding (I guess he can see Nunzio) and moved to face the Big Show. You have no idea how big Paul Wight is until you see another big man trying to lift him by the left, and you realize his hand could palm the rappers back. Goldberg entered to a huge ovation, and was destroying the other men in the ring, and was even ready to jackhammer Big Show, until Brock Lesnar ran in to jump him. An F-5 put “The Man!” down, but not out. When he moved to yell at Brock, Angle snuck up and through him over the top rope. With Goldberg gone the entire group fought the Big Show. In a row, every man hit the respective finisher, but they couldn’t get him to his feet. He hulked up and went on a tear, until he met Chris Jericho. He threw fitness model’s heartbreaker out repeatedly by couldn’t get him to touch the ground – and was beaten savagely throughout it all. He even tapped to the Walls of Jericho. Kurt Angle interfered, and Big Show was able to get to his feet and Choke slam Raw’s last hope, Chris Jericho, out of the ring. Angle slams for both men, and Angle asked the crowd who to hurt. They wanted him to eliminate the Big Show. So he hoisted him to his feet, and countered a choke slam into a victory roll into the ankle lock. The Big Show got to his feet, leaned over the top rope and flung Angle out! Jim Ross incorrectly, again, mentions that Ric Flair holds the time record for the Royal Rumble. The Big Show is still there, the biggest man in the company, is still there – but Chris Benoit would not be denied. I do so enjoy typing that. Big Show lifted Benoit over his head but the scrappy Canadian wrapped around his throat. As He went over he hung on, pulling the big man down. Every moment Benoit crawled back in and pulled the Giant over the top, finally flipping him out for the win.
Enters:
1. Chris Benoit
2. Randy Orton
3. Mark Henry
4. Tajiri
5. Bradshaw
6. Rhyno
7. Matt Hardy v. 1
8. Scott Steiner
9. Matt Morgan
10. The Hurricane
11. Booker T
12. Kane.
13. Spike Dudley
14. Rikishi
15. Rene Dupre
16. A-Train
17. Shelton Benjamin (The Black One)
18. Earnest “The Cat” Miller
19. Kurt Angle
20. Rico
21. Mick Foley
22. Christian
23. Nunzio
24. The Big Show
25. Chris Jericho
26. Charlie Haas (The White One)
27. Billy Gunn
28. John Cena
29. Rob Van Dam
30. Bill Goldberg
Out:
1. Bradshaw
2. Tajiri
3. Mark Henry
4. The Hurricane
5. Scott Steiner
6. Kane
7. Rhyno
8. Matt Hardy
9. Rene Dupre
10. Matt Morgan
11. Rikishi
12. Booker T
13. A-Train
14. Shelton Benjamin
15. Earnest “The Cat” Miller
16. Rico
17. Randy Orton
18. Mick Foley
19. Christian
20. Charlie Haas
21. Billy Gun
22. Nunzio
23. Bill Goldberg
24. John Cena
25. Rob Van Dam
26. Chris Jericho
27. Kurt Angle.
28. The Big Show
Note: Spike Dudley was never eliminated, nor did he enter the ring.
Match Results:
Batista and Ric Flair defeated the Dudley Boyz to retain the Raw WWE Tag Championships via pin fall
Rey Mysterio Jr. defeated Jaime Noble to retain the Smackdown! Cruiserweight Title via pin fall
Eddie Guerrero defeated Chavo Guerrero via pin fall
Triple H retained his Raw WWE Title after fighting Shawn Michaels to a draw
Chris Benoit won the Royal Rumble
Hate Mail:
Didn't really see alot of opinion in your recap, maybe news format and dumb it down a little bit for the "target market," that way the morons that attempt to read what you write but in actuality couldn't write a cohesive sentence if Trish propositioned them will easily understand things.
The key is realizing that people are just complete jackasses in this world, especially the ones that watch wrestling, and that probably includes myself.
The people who really send hate mail, need to resign from being idiots, realizing that they themselves can't write, especially from their trailer parks in Athens, Georgia or Mulga, Alabama, and yea people talk about Stacy because she's a former professional cheerleader with nice legs and I'm guessing a great personality when they don't have the cameras turned on her.
Scott Newman
Former wrestling announcer.
Alright, the jig is up. I have actually run out of hate mail and was forced to put up a positive reply to my work. Scott, I would like to thank you for your kind words. I appreciate everyone who takes the time to read my reports here on lordsofpain.net
I guess it is time I clued you all in – I do not mind it when a fourth grader sends me a ridiculous E-mail. In fact, I rather enjoy it. When I see the incoherent babble of l33t-speak, capitals letters and wording that would offend the grammar of a Professor of Thugonomics I can barely contain my laughter.
Unfortunately, I very rarely get any hate mail to satisfy my hunger for it. Even though I keep every letter I get I have actually used every single piece of hate mail I have received. More is the pity. I have a ton of fan mail, but it is really boring to listen to people verbally jack you off into their toothpaste. What to do, what to do?
Steven “Rommel” Schaeffer can be contacted at the above email address or by sending an instant message to AIM screen name Winged Mystery.
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