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Submitted by Wevv Mang on Sunday, January 25, 2004 at 4:25 PM EST
Ridin’ With The Bossman – Bring Back The Fun Greetings! Welcome to another edition of Ridin’ With The Bossman! Big Show and Bossman are still off on their mission, and I have been left alone to savor the silence, full fridge, and lack of police attention. It’s a PPV Hype week in the WWE, so that always gives me something good to think about. I also have a guest appearance from the Desert Fox, Monday night recapper, Steven "Rommel" Shaeffer. On our TV’s this week, raw and Smackdown were contrasting styles. Let’s take a look shall we? WWE TV – The Series Raw Coach is the man in charge, and there are your 15 Rumble entrants. SURPRISE! They get to battle for the #30 spot, since Heyman made #1 a punishment, instead of the great honor like Raw tried to do last year. What does that mean for you, the wrestling fan? WRESTLING! YAY! Jericho tried to cash in his favor, but Coach, the man now in charge, said no. Interesting. This is the second week that Coach has been in charge. I wonder what happened to Bischoff. Ah, I got it. Bischoff probably had to take the heat for the Mick Foley video. The one that used the slow dance at prom song. The one that tears me up when I hear it played on the radio. I admit it. I get a little misty eyed. I just think "Man, that song is just…just…so hardcore…". I’m sure the WWE called Foley to see what was going on with his plan for the Rumble. Randy Orton See what I mean? These spots have really picked up the pace, and are doing a fantastic job of getting randy some heat. Very well done pieces and much better than having the Dudley’s call Mick a coward. Actual thought, what a concept. Got Stank? Mark Henry admits he stinks, and claims to have nailed Trish. Man, that’s just wrong. Way to traumatize millions of horny teens with that horrific visual of Mark doing Trish. While eating a big sandwich. Sorry, I gotta do this. "Oh Mark, give it to me you big stud!" "Come on baby, move that ass!" "Oh yeah! How’s that honey?" "Come on, baby, MOVE THAT ASS!" "I am moving my ass! What more do you want?" "Dammit girl! Move that ass to the left! You’re blocking the Fritos!" So, Jericho got to tell Mark that he stinks. Mark tries to make a comeback, and witty banter is not his strong suit. Lesson learned. Mark did have a match against Rico later. You know what? It was good. Hard to fathom, but a few things to think about next time you see Henry. 1) A dead lift of a person from a ground position is a damn impressive move. Props to Rico to making it work. If he hadn’t, Mark would have never got him off the ground. 2) Henry now has a submission move, which should be used as a finisher. Like I suggested for Big Show, way back when, the claw maneuver is good for Henry. Show him bending a frying pan, and then applying that move, and you got something. How sad is it that on Raw, I’m more interested in how Mark Henry is developing than in the hype for HBK-H? The main event for Raw contains two guys I really don’t give a hoot about. Sure, it’ll be some good wrestling, but my interest is zero. Jericho-Trish is also interesting, but not as much as it could be. Batista Yes, Ric, just what the hell is causing Batista’s veins to stick up like that I wonder the same thing myself. That can’t be healthy. Even BPP doesn’t have that sever a case of popping veins. Goldberg gets the number 30 slot So, it’s either kill Goldberg’s push or end Benoit’s. It’s a lose-lose situation. For Benoit to get to the next level, he has to win. For Goldberg to get back to the main event, he has to win. If Goldberg loses, he can face HBK for the belt (if HBK wins, and I’m not sure he will), but then H will be the guy beating up two people, until he’s ready to get the belt back. Benoit has faced the uphill climb, and is just about to get there, and a win will do wonders. If he loses, he’s right back on the same level he was before. A good wrestler, but he just doesn’t have "it". "it" being the ability to win the big matches. Sigh. Hindsight is 20-20, and I can’t help think about what has lead to this place. If Goldberg had won at SS, he then could be facing H for his rematch, having lost at Armageddon, and Benoit could win the Rumble, free and clear, and thus a really good feud between the two could happen at WM. It’s all coming back to bite WWE Raw in the ass. Which is why I agreed initially with what Master Recapper Rommel had to say about the WWE. Don’t forget, this guy has to watch the show closely, and then write down what he sees so that folks who didn’t watch the show can follow all the goings on, and be ready for the next one. So, here is Rommel. Steven "Rommel" Schaeffer "If you are reading this you are either a wrestling fan or researching a paper on World War II and clicked a link concerning the man from whom I take my nickname. If you are the latter, I suggest "The Rommel Papers" as a primary source without peer, including the writings of Winston Churchill. If indeed you are the former I beg you to stick with me as I proceed to curse and holler over the state of not your beloved sport but of those who write and read about it. The following paragraphs are intended to dispel myth and hearsay that we fans are proponents of. During the recent downtrend of the industry many fans have complained about weak storylines; harping on the McMahon’s family supposed recent loss of sense when exerting creative control over their company. I take issue with the belief that only now does WWE writing fall below par, though I understand where it hails from. During the upswing of the "Attitude Era" the main characters were so hot that no matter how many ludicrous elements were introduced we devoured it and begged for more. So the belief came about that the WWE knew how to write interested and creative storylines. That belief is false; the writing of the company has always sucked and I intend to show that. Now, I could run down a laundry list of examples to prove my point, such as Hector Guerrero jumping from an Easter egg dressed in a giant turkey suit, but I have settled on one that I consider being the most poignant. Can someone please tell me what the fuck they were thinking when they created Doink the Clown? Seriously, what is a Doink? It sounds like a holiday where children dress up as Middle Eastern and invade their local circus and stone the entertainers to death after engaging in sexual relations with mimes at the nearest outdoor mall. Besides the idea of a Clown wrestler, we also had his midget sidekick, Dink the Clown – which I suspect hailed from a backstage joke on Doink’s genitalia. I have volumes of other instances I can cite, from either of the two boom periods or either of the two down periods, but I think that Doink the Clown is enough. This was a prominently featured character during its time, so much so that it and its miniature-sized cohort had the honor of following Bret and Owen Hart’s classic at Wrestlemania X, paired off against an ugly tattooed fat man and an ugly tattooed woman. Simply put, the WWE has always had some of the worst writing this side of Penthouse forum. We do somehow we find enjoyment in the trash they throw our way though. Still, to complain that either the booking staff or the McMahon family has lost it is both irresponsible and incorrect. The fact is they never had it. Happy Fucking Doink Day. Steven "Rommel" Schaeffer can be reached at hybridlock@aol.com or on AIM screen name "Winged Mystery"" Thank you Steve. I hated Doink the Clown as well. See? Wevv doesn’t love all the cheesy gimmicks. I did say I agreed with you about the writers, but then Thursday night happened. Smackdown Recap provided by Justin "Locura" Pratt This was the best-written show I’ve seen in years. Just a beautifully crafted piece. Everything clicked. I do mean everything. The material may not have been that great, but the effort that went it shown through. Well, at least the first 80 minutes. Then the tone changed and it was time for the big events surrounding Chavo, Eddie, and Angle. Bah. Heyman Great promo, and again, the "Family Values" theme is emphasized, and done right by Paul. Great rationale, and good ass kissing of Vince. Man, if Raw let Bischoff be half this good, that show would rock. Big Show Fantastic promo by my man. Get this guy in Hollywood pronto. Albert (Fluffy), Shannon Moore, The Cat Albert just trashes Moore. Wow. Finally, the WWE gets a clue on how to use the Cat. Just let him dance, and let the Cat talk on the mic, not that other putz. The Cat is the guy WWE is trying to get over right? Not Lamont. Then shut the hell up Lamont. Well, I expect Shannon to get a surprise victory over Fluffy in the Rumble. But man, that was some beating. Cena and Benoit vs Morgan, Show, Lesnar, and Rhyno A lot of effort is going into reviving Rhyno. I don’t know if it can be done, but Smackdown gives me hope. I liked the Paul Heyman in the chair bit. That served a dual purpose. It allowed Heyman to coach the crowd in how to respond, as well as giving an element of suspense to the match. Chavo Sr = Los Al Wilson About a year ago, another complete unknown entered the world of WWE. He was also a superstar’s father. The IWC hated this guy with a passion. Among the complaints were that this person was taking up valuable TV time that could have been used by another star who needed it. Welcome to 2004. Another old crufter has appeared from nowhere and is now competing in matches. In the main event no less. Yet all I read is "Wow, it’s great to see Chavo Sr in action" Who the hell is Chavo Sr? Is he a wrestler? I’d never laid eyes on him before last week. Has he wrestled before? Why has no mention of this important little fact been made before now? Not once on TV has it been mentioned that there are Guerreros who wrestle beyond Eddie and Chavo. No mention of Chavo’s dad being a legend in Mexico. No mention of Eddie and Chavo Sr wrestling together or against each other. Yet there he is, in a main event. Now, before folks start getting there undies in a bunch, and telling me all about what accomplishments Chavo has done, ask yourself this question. Have you ever seen Chavo Sr wrestle? Did you even know what he looked like? When did you learn all this stuff about Chavo Sr? Now consider this. How the hell are the folks at home supposed to know all this stuff? As far as they’re concerned, it’s just Chavo’s dad, who we met for the first time last week. How much has been learned from him appearing on TV? He’s Eddie’s brother, he taught Chavo some lessons about life, and that’s it. Now, why is he wrestling? It seems like he just showed up, put on a pair of tights, and is now playing with some of the best athletes that Smackdown has to offer Billy Gunn I now think he may win the Royal Rumble. Why? Two words for ya, GAY WEDDING! WWE owes this guy big, and since he pull a push out of his ass, he may just win the damn thing. I won’t be surprised. Smackdown, what a show. A really good show. That’s about all I have to say on just Smackdown. There is one thing I’d like to address, and it concerns both shows. Why does WWE enjoy making women miserable? I can’t speak for everyone, but an unhappy chick is not a source of pleasurable watching. Trish, Lita, Nidia, Stacy, all of them are being portrayed as miserable. How is this a good thing? I can understand Trish, since it’s part of her story, but the rest? Nidia has been blind way to long, and while no longer retarded, is still being abused, and is not happy. Poor Stacy got to be happy for a brief moment and is now back to being miserable. Lita is just a punching bag. Look, if they’re not allowed to be happy and use their looks to create sex appeal, then they have to get by on their personality, and does WWE really want to risk that? If they’re going to be forced to say stupid thing (ok, maybe not forced), I’d rather they do it in a way that is palatable, ie happy and hopefully, jiggly. Sad, whiny, crying dialog is not a pleasure to any guy tot listen too, and for the few women watching, the story ain’t gonna get these broads sympathy. So, on the verge of the Royal Rumble, we have an interesting situation, that truly can only be decided by he outcome of one match. IF Goldberg wins, what happens to the angles developed on Smackdown? Most of them can survive by the Rumble itself. Yet the push of Benoit is at stake, and if he can break the glass ceiling, and win the belt, then what of the rest of the Abused and members of the Mid Card Hell Club? If Benoit wins, what will happen to Goldberg? Will he be doomed to wrestle Test? It’s going to be an interesting one. Wevv’s House (Next to The Cemetery) Las Vegas, some strip club off the Strip, Pick One. Bossman is sitting front row, stage center, waving a dollar bill at a stripper, when Big Show sidles up and sits down next to him. Both are wearing sunglasses. Big Show: Hey Bossman Bossman: Wha..? Oh, hey Big Show. Any luck? Big Show: Nope. We’ve been here a week, and I haven’t turned up anything. Bossman: I know what you mean. My sources have dried up too. Big Show: Well, my luck has been worse than yours. Bossman: Don’t count on it. Let me tell you what happened in my meeting. Bossman's Story Bossman walks into the casino at the Golden Nugget. He’s wearing a tuxedo underneath his flak jacket. He approaches a change vendor. He exchanges a few words, and then moves over to the High Stakes Baccarat table. He takes a seat, and lays down a wad of cash. Two other people are seated at the table. One is in a mobile chair. The other is an Oriental man wearing a bowler hat. Dealer: New Player! What is you name sir? Bossman: Man, Boss Man. Mr. Chair: Please join us Mr. Bossman. Are you new here? I haven’t seen you before? Bossman: Yes, I just got into town. I’m trying to find an old friend of mine, and decided to play a little baccarat while waiting to look for him. I must confess, I haven’t been having much luck. Maybe my luck at cards will be better. Mr. Chair: Indeed? I am very well connected in this town. Maybe I can help you? For a small fee? Bossman: Maybe you could. But first, let’s play a little cards shall we? The cards are dealt from the shoe. Bossman looks at his cards, and then places a big wager. Mr. Chair sees his bet. Bossman flips over his cards and proudly proclaims: Bossman: 21! I win! Dealer: I’m sorry sir, you have a 1. You lose. The object of the game is to get as close to nine as possible. Face cards are worth zero, and aces are worth 1. Mr. Blowfeld wins. Mr. Chair (Blowfeld): Oh, too bad Mr. Bossman. Share we play some more? Now that you have a better understanding of the game, maybe your luck shall change? Bossman: Indeed, let’s play another hand. The cards are dealt again. Bossman: Well, Mr. Blowfeld, I may just take you up on that offer. The man I’m looking for can be rather hard to find. He has quite an extensive business here in Vegas. I’m sure you heard of him. Blowfeld: I know all the players in Vegas. HAH! Another nine! What do you have, Mr. Bossman? Bossman: I only got a 20 on this hand. Still better than a nine! Dealer: No, Mr. Bossman, The object is to get a nine. Mr. Blowfeld wins. Here, read this card, it should help you. Blowfeld: So sorry Mr. Bossman! What is the name of the person you’re looking for? I’m sure I could help you find him. Of course, if you keep playing like this, you may not be able to afford my services, hahaha! Bossman: Deal the cards and we’ll see what happens, Mr., Blowfeld. The cards are dealt again. Bossman looks at his cards, checks the tip sheet given to him by the dealer, confidently lays down his cards, puts all his chips on the table and says: Bossman: Well Mr. Blowfeld, it looks like my luck has indeed changed. Shall we make a little side wager on this hand? Blowfeld: Certainly Mr. Bossman. Bossman: Good, the name of the person I’m looking for is The Godfather. I’m sure you’ve heard of him. Blunt Smoking Pimp? Large fellow? Travels with a lot of women? Blowfeld: I’ve heard of him Mr. Bossman! It’s a name we don’t use around here. Who are you working for? Bossman: None of your business. So, is it agreed then? I win, you answer my questions? Blowfeld: very well, Mr. Bossman. A deal is a deal. But you shall regret this action I assure you! At least this shall be the last hand, seeing as how you have no more chips! Bossman flips over his cards. Bossman: Blackjack! I win! Blowfeld: Oh, Mr. Bossman, you are such a rogue! Nine! I win! Farewell Mr. Bossman! I trust you shan’t be staying long in Vegas. Bossman: I may not have any more money, but I do have this! Bossman pulls out his nightstick. Blowfeld: very interesting. What does it do? Shoot laser beams? Tranquilizer darts filled with truth serum? Bossman: Nope, it just does…this! Bossman clocks Mr. Blowfeld up side the head, leaps the table, shoves him out of his chair. The Oriental man, leaps up, and pulls his underwear out of his pants, and makes a slingshot. Bossman starts to drive the chair away. He weaves through the slot machines as Blowfeld regains consciousness. Blowfeld: Oddjob! Stop him! The underwear goes flying, hits an innocent bystander who falls over, and panic erupts inside the casino. Bossman circles back, and grabs Blowfeld by the leg, drags him behind the chair. Bossman: I got you now, you bastard! Dealer: Security! We have an emergency at the baccarat table! Bossman drives off, clubbing people with his nightstick and laughing madly, while Mr., Blowfeld screams dire threats That better not have been my money you just wasted Bossman, you dumb bastard. Over-Analyzing Wrestling Today’s Topic: "It’s just not funny, not fun…" Comedy is hard. It’s hard to appeal to the funny bone of specific people. What one might find funny, another finds unfunny, or worse, boring. Yet comedy makes money for the movie business. It’s cheap and easy, and even if the critics don’t like it, these films can make a ton of money. Adam Sandler has had just about every movie he’s been in be panned by the critics, yet the guy has a loyal following, and his last film made over a 100 million dollars. Scary Movie 3 wasn’t loved by the critics, but it got its revenge by making a ton of cash. When it comes to wrestling, comedy is not necessarily the way to go. See, comedy is easy to mistake for "fun" Fun doesn’t have to be about jokes, and sight gags. What it means is that fans enjoy themselves. Not just being there, but with what is going on in the ring, backstage, and with the product in it’s entirety. Comedy can help, but is not the final answer. The circus antics of the WWE of yore didn’t help things when the going got tough. Indeed, it seemed to speed up the slide. Yet, the element of fun has been lacking from the WWE in the past few years. Sure, there have been moments, but the heavy hand of drama overshadows the few occurrences of fun. Drama has a place, but not in the does we’ve been getting. Back in the good old days of wrestling, things were more fun. The Rock was golden on the mic, Austin was whooping ass all the time, and Mick Foley had some of the best TV moments in history. It just seemed like a bunch of guys having a good time and wrestling. Crap was still around then, but it was on the back burner. Beaver Cleaver came and went, the Ministry of Darkness had a heavy element of drama, but was just too silly to take seriously. Bossman dragged the Big Show, and fed a dog to Al Snow, but was so far down on the scale of believability, it became comedy. Instead of dragging the show down to the levels we’re seeing today, these antics were easily ignored, and the fans could focus on the things they liked. Like Rock talking about somebody’s candy ass. Mick Foley could follow a bad Headbangers match and pull a sock out of his pants, and the folks could laugh off what they had seen previously. The McMahon Helmsly Era started out as fun, as H was still part of DX and playing an elaborate prank on Vince, but once Steph sided with H, then began to get serious. Seriously hard to ignore. The guys that fans liked were not getting the push they once had, and fans began to see the difference in the show. The fun level dropped, and it became harder to ignore the stuff that was once easy to dismiss. When ten minutes was dedicated to one guy droning on about stuff that all serious, and the next promo was also played for drama, the fun level dropped, and so did interest in sticking around. There’s only so much drama one can take, even for those who really love drama. TV shows that are classified as drama often have an episode that is more comedy based. These shows are used to relieve tension, and help lighten the mood after it’s been ground into the cellar. It makes the next round of drama more effective. Again, when too much drama is lobbed at the viewer, it can turn into indifference. How much worse can things get when an entire family is killed, including pets, friends, and bankruptcy hits, an incurable , painful illness, and all a persons belongings destroyed? Laughter helps on cope with problems, and boosts morale. Hanging with friends helps one cope with depression, and face the next round of problems life can throw at you. It’s a good way to keep the emotions being generated by drama separate, without diluting the overall impact. When the balance shifted from fun to drama, the whole order shifted as well. Now the guys the fans were used to cheering were shoved down the card, with little hope of advancement, The skits were reduced, and some managed to get by, but when those skits were taken away, and replaced with more drama, fans gave up. When they came back with the same skits, the smell of desperation quickly overpowered what was fun about it. There’s only so many times you can tell a joke before it stops being funny. It isn’t necessary to bring back the Rock and Mick to spice up the product and inject some fun into the mix. The current guys on the roster could do the same thing. It’s about whom the fans still cheer after seeing them go through some horrible skits and angles. RVD, Kane, Jericho, and Ric could do it. It’s simply a matter of conforming to what the fans want. Let Jericho win, let RVD win, let Kane go for the belt, and actually win it. Let Ric cut the promos the fans are dying to hear. Stop forcing the fans to like who is being pushed, If they don’t like them, get rid of them and try something else. Stop trying to sabotage the things that work. What made the Guerreos so good? It wasn’t just the wrestling, it was because they were fun to watch. Eddie and Chavo were doing fine, and then they got split up. Why? No real reason. Eddie wanted more, but hadn’t done anything yet, but Chavo got jealous. Now, if Eddie had actually won something, and then Chavo got jealous, that would have made more sense. The bottom line is this. For over a year now, WWE has been laying heavy drama on the fans. It hasn’t worked that well. Most shows would have been cancelled if things were going like this. But since wrestling has a hardcore fan base, and is willing to put up with absurd angles, the ratings are still there. But growth is little to none. Why not try a new tactic, and try injecting some fun into the product to see if that will cause it to growth in viewership? Again, just throwing comedy out there isn’t going to make things better. Comedy is hard, and fart jokes aren’t the key to success. Simply easing off the drama can be fun. Giving guys a reason to feud that isn’t related to deeply personal matters can be fun. It’s wrestling, they’re supposed to fight. Putting more attention on the desire to win can achieve as much emotional oomph as a killing a persons dog. Unless time is taken to create an emotional bond through storytelling, it’s just another thing thrown at fans who may not catch on to the idea. Too much stuff like that has already happened, and they’re too busy groaning to hear the impassioned speech of revenge. Then, let the guy who can get a reaction and hasn’t been there before win. Make them look strong as victors, and then let it run a course of a few weeks, before moving on to the next guy who shows potential. If the guy can hold onto his heat, then you got something. The H experiment can be called a failure. Every trick has been tried to keep his heat going, and it’s met with lukewarm success. Dictating to the fans who they should like is not fun. Smackdown has tried to inject some fun back into their product (Heyman and the soap) and it was received well by the fans. After months of having nothing but faint hopes of something good to look forward to on TV, the breaking point is coming quick. WM 20 is a bigger show than most people think. If it’s a success, in terms of fans approval, then things can continue fairly safely. If it bombs, then hope is lost, and there really is no reason to watch anymore. It’s time to rethink the TV identity of WWE. The end can come quickly. Just ask the folks at Turner. Or watch the old XFL tapes. That’s it for today. I still have a few random thoughts to throw out there, while my replacement Bossman and Big Show get the Escort and the "Casket" ready. No, Mark, the rope goes around the bumper. Yes, you ride it. Funaki, where’s the car? Oh, never mind. I’ll get it. The plot thickens as Vince’s rules for a good match leak their way onto the net. Vince wants less ref bumps, and less cheating. Funny, those were the same things that H has been doing for months, and now the WWE realizes that it wasn’t a good idea. I just find it funny that WWE is telling it’s workers not to pull an H, yet says nothing about it to H himself. I also think it’s funny that Vince is encouraging wrestlers to go to Ric, Austin, HBK, and H for tips on how to work their matches. Honestly, what advice can H give? "have Ric run in with the sledgehammer?" or "Tell people how great H is?" or my favorite, " pre-match beers, In-match beers, and Post match beers." Well, now I know the reason for Bischoff’s absence. His mother is very ill. Same with a theory I had about Steph possibly being pregnant. Man, my telepathy must be working overtime. Well, placing any wagers on who will win the Rumble? Trying not to think about the consequences? Here’s a fun game. Place wagers on who’s going to get the stinkface in the match instead. My money is on the Cat. My friends taking Billy Gunn. Who’s you pick? Check out the forums and place your wagers accordingly. That’s it for today. I have to get to the bar to see the Rumble for free. It’s like this. Would your rather spend $35 bucks on something that may not be that good, or watch it for free, while spending $25 bucks on a meal for two of good food? I’ll take the food. They make a mean patty melt. Come on Mark, get on the box. Oh crap, this isn’t going to work. Sorry mark, you’re cut. No, your contract means nothing to me. Did you get a big sandwich? A limo? No? Adios sucker. Funaki, the car is facing the wrong way. I’m sorry, you’re cut too. Yes, I know you can’t spell Funaki without the F-U-N, but I’ll find something for you Until Next Time, Thanks For Reading and Thanks For Ridin’ Wevv Mang mrwevv@mac.com *NEW GALLERY* Very Rare Photos from MR. KENNEDY'S WEDDING!
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