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Submitted by Wevv Mang on Monday, December 29, 2003 at 10:20 PM EST
Ridin' With The Bossman - Bossman Of The Rings Greetings! Welcome to a special edition of Ridin’ With The Bossman (RWTB), as I proudly present to you my Lord Of The Rings parody, the Bossman of The Rings. I wrote this last year, so some of the jokes are a little dated, and it was originally incorporated into my forum column, so it may not have to go all six parts. As for the jokes, I’ll put some footnotes in, marked by (*), and then take the time to explain them, incase you may not remember what prompted me to add that little bit of humor. So, without further ado, I give you; Bossman of The Rings - Part 1 Cast: Booker T as Frodo Goldust as Samwise Hulk Hogan as Gandolf Jeff Hardy as Legolas Big Show as Gimli Bossman as Aragorn New Jack as all nine of the Ring Wraiths Al Wilson as Sauromon Kane as Gollum The APA( Bradshaw and Farooq) as Merry and Pippin Due to time this story has been edited. Gandolf leans down to pluck the ring from the fire with the point of his staff. "Brother, I gotta tell you something. This is the One Ring. The One Ring that will enslave all of mankind, dude. If Suaron gets his hands on this ring, we’re all in trouble. It’s 1-2-3 for everybody. Frodo, you gotta take this ring to Rivendell." "Tell me you didn’t just say that? You want me, the FIVE TIME, FIVE TIME, FI-" "We don’t have time for that! You gotta go, and you gotta go now!" "Man, you can count on me. I’ll take this sucka ring to Rivendell, but that’s it. I can’t stand dealing with all those fruity elves. Now can you dig that sucka?" "Brother, I’ll meet you there. I got some unfinished business first. " "What? The whole fate of the world hangs in the balance and you’ll meet me there? Ai-right, be like that dog. Frodo knows how to take care of business." "Don’t you worry brother, when it all comes down, whatcha gonna do when Gandolf goes wild on you???" Frodo looks at Gandolf as he flexes and strains, and makes faces. "You expect me to answer that?" "Just get going, brother!" A peeved Gandolf snaps. "Hey Frodo! We’re outta beer and we ain’t done drinkin yet!" "Damn!" Two drunken hobbits stumble in through Frodo’s door, and proceed to break Frodo’s old-fashioned jukebox. "Hey Pippin, look , it’s that pansy feller in the dress. Hey wizard, make us some more beer!" "I don’t drink beer, dude, I take vitamins." "Well, hell, nancy boy, gimme some of them vitamins!" "Damn" As Frodo watches in stunned disbelief, a silent figure creeps up behind him and whispers in his ear. ‘Oh Mr. Frodo, you can’t leave your Samwise...behind.. now can you?" Frodo jumps and spins around. ‘Damn Sammy, how many times I gotta tell you to quit doin that? What the hell's wrong with your eye?" "What? I’m Sammy right?" "Hey! These ain’t vitamins!" "Like Sammy Davis, Jr right?" CUT!!!! We pick things up as our band of heroes travels along the road to Rivendell. "Let’s stop in that bar Frodo, I’ve been sober for almost 2 hours." "Damn!" "Airghit dog. We’ll stop here. Man, I could use some real food. I’m talking like a whole pound of meat, mashed potatoes, and a desert. A real hungry man dinner.*" "I made some wieners? Would you like a bite?" "Suckaa, I ain’t fallin for that again." The group moves into the bar. The sign outside reads the Friendly Tap. Inside is anything but, as a group of ne’er do wells, immediately jump on Merry and Pippin. Things start breaking. Frodo and Samwise move to the far side of the bar where the melee has yet to reach. Neither notices a cloaked figure sitting in the shadows watching them. Frodo orders some food, while Samwise creeps out some patrons behind them. Unnoticed by all, is a slowly rising sound. It starts out as a distant sound of thunder and slowly rises ‘til all can hear. Merry and Pippin slow in their brawling. Frodo continues to eat. The cloaked figure rises as the sound pierces the senses. Frodo becomes aware of the sound and stops his spoon on it’s way to his mouth. "Now what the hell is that? How’s a guy supposed to eat with that racket?" "Oh Mr. Frodo, I think we’re in trouble now. I knows that song, I dos. It’s.." The doors of the tavern are blown open. In the swirling dust are nine men with their hands raised over their heads in an X. "...Original Gangster..." Nine voices ring out: "ALRIGHT M*THERF*CKERS! SOMEBODY HERE GOT THE RING! AIN’T NOBODY LEAVING TILL WE GET IT! DON’T YOU EVEN THINK OF CROSSING US! PUNK ASS BITCHES DON’T KNOW SH*T ABOUT SH*T! WE’LL F*CKING KILL ALL YOU M*THERF*CKERS!" The cloaked figure leaps up and confronts the shadowy figures. "Now Hold it right there you bastards! Nobody does any killing on my watch or it’s HARD TIME!" The man throws back his cloak to reveal a prison guard uniform. He looks over to Frodo and Samwise. "Now you boys just creep out the back. I’ll hold em off. Get your friends too." "Pippin! Get the keg!" "Damn!" "C’mon Mr. Frodo, we better go. It looks like there might be some violence, and I wouldn’t want anything to happen to your...face." "Damn Sammy, cut that crap out. I’m going. Jeez. I am a FIVE TIME, FIVE TIME, FI-" "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE" Aragorn yells. "YOU THINK WE’RE AFRAID OF THE POLICE???YOU KNOW WE KILLED ALL SORTS OF M*THERF*CKERS! BITCH! NOW WE’RE GONNA KILL YOU!" The wraiths pull all manner of instruments out of their cloaks. Guitars, cheese graters, fluorescent light bulbs. thumbtacks, the kitchen sink. Aragorn's nightstick is a blur as he blocks the incoming missiles, and unleashes punishing blows to the wraiths. but they’re too much for him. He spies Merry tipping back a bottle and moves over to him. He grabs the bottle from Merry and throws it into some fallen torches. The explosion is deafening. Moving quickly he grabs Merry, and carries him out the back door. Inside you can hear the screams of the wraiths. "BITCH! YOU THINK WE’RE AFRAID OF FIRE! M*THERF*CKER! THIS ONE TIME WITH VIC GRIMES..." CUT! (In this next scene, Samwise will be played by a cardboard cut out) "Strider, we’re out of beer!" "DAMN!" "And Pippin here ain’t happy about it!!" "Will you two bastards shut the hell up! If you don’t it’ll be HARD TIME for you!" "C’mon Strider, cut those two a break, dog. Man, we've been walking for days. Sammy ain’t said jack in hours. I think he’s dead." In a stage whisper "He’s a cardboard cut out, don’t talk about it" "Damn! So that’s why he ain’t done nothin freaky. Man, I could sure go for a whole pound of meat, some mashed potatoes with gravy, and a desert. You sure you know where we goin?" "Of course I do. Rivendell is just over there. Read the sign." "Tell me you just didn’t say that?" The group falls silent as a faint sound is heard. Aragorn gestures for silence. Merry and Pippin looks around blearily. "DAMN!" "It’s those guys from the bar!" "RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES YOU BASTARDS!" "I can dig that suckaa! C’mon Sammy!" The group takes off running through the trees. Frodo trips over a root, and the cardboard cut out of Samwise goes flying. "SAMMY! C’MON DOG! MOVE! OH NO! THEY KILLED SAMMY! I’ll avenge you Sammy, cuz I am the FIVE TIME, FIVE TIME FIVE TI-" ‘I GOT YOU M*THERF*CKERS NOW! YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN’T HIDE BITCHES! I KNOW THESE STREETS! I LIVE THESE STREETS! I’LL FIND YOU M*THERF*CKERS NO MATTER WHERE YOU HIDE!" Murky forms take the shape of men with their arms crossed over their heads and a variety of weapons in their hands. The sounds of "Original Gangster" blares through the woods. Strider runs back and helps Frodo to his feet. "We can’t fight them here. C’mon you bastard, start runnin!" Strider helps Frodo run, suddenly a stream is in front of them. As they start to wade across, Frodo cries out and a fork is jutting from his shoulder. They stagger to the far side and collapse in a heap. Aragorn turns to face the wraiths. "SEE M*THERF*CKER! WE GOT YOU! YOUR ASS IS OURS NOW!" "Never You Bastards! It’s HARD TIME for you punks!" A low crooning comes down the river channel. It’s the sound of country songs with the occasional "Terri" mixed in.* A wall of water follows the music, sweeping the wraiths away. Their curses are drowned out under the torrent of water. A ghostly form in gold and black in seen walking down the bank towards Strider, Frodo, a puking Merry, and a wheezing Pippin. Frodo looks up in pain at the figure as it crouches over him. "Man, what the hell are you supposed to be?" " I just couldn’t resist the wardrobe. It makes me look..slimming" "Tell me you just didn’t say thaaaaa..." and passes out. CUT! And that’s a wrap! Bossman of the Rings - Part 2 Special Guests: The Rock as Elrond The Undertaker as The Cave Troll Rob Van Dam as Boromir Our story so far, Frodo has finally arrived at Rivendell in the company of Pippin, Merry, Samwise, and Aragorn. The journey has not been smooth, as our party has been relentlessly pursued by the nine Ring Wraiths, former men who have been possessed by the evil of the One Ring. Frodo was injured by the wraiths and lay close to death, only being rescued at the last instant by Arwen, the daughter of the Lord of Rivendell, Elrond. Now that our adventurers have arrived in Rivendell, the journey is far from over... "Hey Dude, you’re finally awake." "Oh man, my mouth tastes like ass. What the hell is going on dog? Hey Gandolf, is that you? Man, it’s good to see you. What the hell happened? Where you been, dog?" "Easy, little dude. You had a close call, brother, but you’ll be OK. One of the wraiths nearly got you, but thanks to the power of the Gandolphiles, you pulled through." "We in Rivendell? IS that why I can’t get the taste of ass out of my mouth? Don’t tell me that those fruity elves been messin with me?" "Listen dude, it’s because of those fruity elves that you’re still alive." "Man, at least I give you that damn ring and get the hell out of here." " Not so fast dude, I got something to tell you." Gandolf stands up and starts to make gestures as he talks. "I went to the tower of Orthanc to meet with Sauromon. Sauromon is the baddest dude around, and I knew if we were going to go toe to toe with Sauron, we would need him on our side..." Gandolf’s Tale... " I rode hard for the tower of Orthanc. Once I got there, I could see that there had been some changes. I just thought Sauromon was doing a little gardening, and had bigger things on my mind. I was greeted at the door by the most stunning creature. ‘I’m sorry, but we don’t allow solicitors’ She spoke. Her hair was lustrous black, her figure enough to get even my old blood pumping, and "Gandolfing Up" if you know what I mean. ‘who’s that at the door dear’ I heard the droning voice of Sauromon speak from inside. ‘No one, just some bum. I’ll send him around back to the boys’ ‘no need dear, let me talk to him first’ ‘Now Saursy, Warsy, don’t tire yourself, you have a big night ahead’ She said with a wiggle to her hips. ‘now dawn, you know i have a job to do. why, it’s Gandolf, my old friend. please come in, i see you’ve met dawn. isn’t she precious. she’s changed my life. please come in. dawn will you bring some refreshments please’ ‘Sauromon, I have some urgent news dude. We have no time for refreshments, and we must speak in private’ ‘nonsense, you must be tired from your journey. let’s speak in my study.’ Sauromon said, as he used that droning voice to melt my will. ‘OK, but make it quick brother. This can’t wait.’ We climbed up to his study, which was just below the roof. I quickly told him about the one ring, as we panted up the stairs. We were too tired to talk once we reached his study, so we sat there gasping for breath for a while, until Sauromon spoke. "it seems ...ah...ah...that...ah...ah..our...ah..ancient ....ah...enemy is stirring...ah...ah’ a faint flush spread across his normally expressionless face. I took a deep breath before speaking." We gotta call in the Megapowers, ah...ah..brother. Nothing else will stand against this. Ah...ah...ah...I already...ah...ah. have the One Ring...ah...ah..." ‘You...ah..ah...have it...ah..on...you?’ ‘No, it’s on it’s way to..ah...ah..’ ‘Where?’ you must tell me...ah...ah" I could feel Sauromon using his voice, but since he was out of breathe still, it wasn’t quite taking hold. I fought the urge, brother; I fought with every fiber of my being not to tell. ‘It’s safe. Why?’ ‘oh, just curious. did i tell you i’m getting married?’ ‘Congratulations dude’ ‘Here’s your drinks fellas’ Dawn said as she entered the study. She didn’t even look tired from climbing those hundreds of stairs. My Gandolf sense was tingling. ‘Where are you from Dawn? How did you meet Sauromon?’ ‘Oh, here and there. Say Saursy, have you showed him what we’ve done to the back yard?’ ‘not yet Dawn. come Gandolf, let me show you.’ We climbed another flight of stairs, and I was feeling tired. Sauromon was looking flushed again, but Dawn still looked fresh. I hunched over to try and get my breathe. ‘you know Gandolf, Saursy-Warsy is a great man. He could do so much more than he is now. ‘ My Gandolf sense went onto overdrive. I looked up and saw destruction. Sauromon had turned what was once a beautiful forest into a scene from hell, brother. My shock must have shown on my face. Dawn stepped up to me while Sauromon slumped down panting for breath. ‘Sauromon could take over the world. He could even beat Sauron. Together, we can do anything. Isn’t that right Saursy? I think the one ring would be the perfect gift on our wedding day? Don’t you Gandolf?’ I knew I had to get away. I took one look at the steps, and then jumped over the side of the tower. As I fell, I used my magic to summon a steed. It caught me just in time. As I flew away, I heard Dawn screaming ‘You can’t stop us Gandolf! We’re in love! We’re in loooove...’ "Dog, that’s some bad news. At least you’ve had some time to get some help right? You been here awhile, right?" ‘Actually brother, I just got here" "Tell me you didn’t just say that?" "Hey, I moved at fast as I could. I’m not that young anymore" Frodo sinks down into his bed, looking glum. Suddenly the door to his room bursts open and Samwise runs in and jumps on the bed. "Mr. Frodo! You’re awake! I’ve been ever so worried about you!" He starts to kiss Frodo’s head, as Frodo tries to fend him off. "Man, get off of me!" "You two want some privacy?" Gandolf says as he stands up to leave. "DOG! I’m gonna beat your ass if you don’t off of me NOW!" "Yes Sir, Mr. Frodo!" Samwise says as he climbs off. "Frodo, we’re going to have a meeting later. There are some people I want you to meet. Don’t be late, dude. I have to meet with Elrond, Lord of Rivendell first." "Can I have my spanking now, Mr. Frodo?" "Tell me you didn’t just say that?" "Heey dude, this is quite the party." "I was told there’d be snacks. I don’t see any snacks." "Y’all don’t have to shout, I tell you what. El-rond will be here shortly, y’hear?" "Hey man, I came a long way, you know? Let’s just get this over with. My buzz is starting to wear off." "Elrond better come soon, and he better bring some snacks!" Gandolf steps out with Frodo onto a terrace that is crowded with members of three races. They see humans, dwarfs, and elves all talking loudly at one another. Gandolf steps into the melee and raises his hands. "C’mon Dudes! Let’s just all calm down." The people look at Gandolf and settle into their seats. At that moment, a tall elf steps out form the other side, and strides to the center of the gathering. He pauses, and looks at the people seated, before speaking. "Finally, Elrond has arrived!" He cocks one eyebrow and stares at Gandolf. "Elrond, I was just about to..." "It doesn’t matter what you were about to do! Elrond called this meeting and Elrond runs the meeting!" "Listen Brother, We don’t have time for all this banter." Elrond holds up a hand to Gandolf. "Banter? You call discussing the fate of the world banter? Well, Elrond says that the fate of the world is not banter! But Elrond is not here to argue with Gandolf the legend. Elrond is here to argue with Gandolf the fool." The gathered people gasp. Gandolf stands up straighter to look Elrond in the eye. Elrond stares back, and then turns to speak to the people. "It seems that Gandolf has brought the One Ring, the tool of Sauron, the Peril of all mankind, into Rivendell, Elrond's Rivendell, without first..asking...Elrond" He says as he turns back to stare into Gandolf’s eyes. Gandolf doesn’t blink as he stares into Elrond’s eyes, but speaks to Frodo. "Show them, Brother" Frodo, shakes his head, and mutters to himself as he draws the chain that holds the ring from around his neck, and puts it onto a pedestal. There are gasps from the people, who seem to be frozen in place. Until one of the humans stands up and slowly crosses to the stand. "Whoa, dude! Is that really the One Ring? Duude. This is perfect! With the ring we could finally take out Sauron." Gandolf breaks contact with Elrond, and marches over to knock away the humans hand. "Whoa Brother, this ring is too dangerous. We have to destroy it." "That shouldn’t be a problem" A dwarf speaks as he rises, and grips the handle of a massive axe. With two strides, he reaches the pedestal, and raises his axe. Gandolf and the human back away as the axes crashes into the pedestal, a brilliant burst of light, an explosion, and a dumbfounded, 7 foot tall dwarf is left holding the smoldering hilt of an axe. His face is covered in soot, his hair and beard are fizzled, and he gives out a low groan and falls over. "Gandolf picks himself up, and turns to the rest of the people who have their mouths hanging open. "You see? The One Ring cannot be destroyed by ordinary means. It must be returned to Mordor and thrown into the fires from which it was forged." An excited babble of voice rises in protest. Frodo shakes his head, and stands up. "YO! Listen suckas, tell me you did not just say that you suckas are afraid to go to Mordor? If you dogs, are too chicken to go, then this Five Time, Five Time, Five Time, Five Time, Five Time WCW Champion will go, now can you dig that suckaa?" "Whoa dude, if you think that a mere halfling-" "Who you callin' a halfling? It’s more like a FOOT and a halfling, suckaa" "Easy dude, I’m just saying that you may not be the best to take the ring, dude" "He ain’t going alone. Me and my trusty nightstick will ride with him" Aragorn says as he goes to stand next to Frodo. "That’s what I’m talkin bout, dog!" Frodo tries to do some hand jive, but Aragorn just looks confused. "Mah bow will go with him as well" A young elf stands and crosses over to Frodo. He’s painted blue and white. "What in the blue hell are you?" Elrond asks as he raises an eyebrow at the elf. "Ah’m Legolas, and ah’m a wood elf, sir." "My axe, well, a new axe, will ride with them as well." The huge dwarf moves over next to the companions. "We get a feast before we go right? We do? Then I’m with them." "Hey man, a party’s not a party without Bor-O-Mir," The human says as he points to himself. "I think there’s more beer over here Pippin" "Damn!" Two drunken hobbits stumble into the balcony. Merry looks around blearily, and says ‘Well look-ee here, it’s a regular bunch of pansies! You pretty boys got anything to drink?" "Damn" Pippin says as he staggers into Merry, and grabs onto him before he falls down. "Elrond says that if you’re going, you’re taking them with you." "You can’t leave without me! Who’ll look after Mr. Frodo? Who’ll make sure he changes his underwear?" Samwise pops out from behind a plant. and joins the group. Frodo cringes. "Elrond says that it looks like you got yourself quite a little fellowship. It’s too bad that they elves can’t help you-" "Hey! Ah’m an Elf!" Elrond stars at Legolas, then turns his attention back to Gandolf. "Like Elrond said, the elves can’t go with you, but we will give you supplies and hold a banquet-" "Yes!" The big dwarf says, as he pumps his fist. "- to honor those brave enough to go." "Thank you Elrond. Frodo, get the ring" Frodo moves over to collect the ring, and Boromir goes with him. "Listen dude, that necklace looks a little weak. I got a great place to hide the ring..." Elrond looks over to Gandolf as they watch Boromir. "I think we found the weak link in our party" Elrond says. "... see I got this bong, and the ring would make a great carb..." End Part Two * - Booker T had a nice run of Hungry Man commercials that constantly played during wrestling. They were great, and really helped him get over in his next feud, Triple H. Right about the time that King started bringing up the convict thing. OK then, it looks like I can wrap this up in two more installments. So part 2 will be out on Thursday, and then the following Monday will bring the conclusion. I only did the first movie, since it was playing all the time on Starz. Now with the second on the network, I may finally get around to bringing you The Two Towers. I do have some casting in mind. That’s all for today, hope you enjoyed it, and Part 2 will be up on Thursday. Wevv Mang mrwevv@mac.com *NEW GALLERY* Very PRIVATE Shots of Maria & CM Punk MAKING OUT!!
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