|
|
|
|
|
Submitted by Wevv Mang on Sunday, December 28, 2003 at 3:59 PM EST
Ridin’ With The Bossman – The Bossman Awards Greetings and welcome to the Second Annual Bossman Awards. Last year, Bossman, Big Show and I did this on the forums, and since we’re doing it again, that makes it 2. But since we’re now main paging like the pros, we went out and picked up some high end gadgets to make it all Hollywood like. SO hit it Bossman! Big Show! Just look at that! Those flashlights are really something. Just listen to Big Show hum our wacky theme song. What song is it? I have no idea. Well, that’s our intro, and maybe next year we’ll have a musical number. I was kidding Bossman. Before we get into the awards, a little more comedy (no really, this might be funny). Wevv’s House (Next To The Cemetery) Downtown Phoenix, Central City Precinct Holding Facility Officer: Thanks for coming Wevv. Sheriff Joe doesn’t know about this yet, so if you could get them out of here before he blows his stack, I’d appreciate it. Wevv: No problem officer. I Know I shouldn’t be surprised by this kind of thing anymore, but I still am. Officer: Yeah, luckily we got them early before they started a riot. Low attendance worked in our favor this time. Well, here we are. Just make the check payable to the Phoenix Metropolitan Police on your way out. Wevv: Thank you officer, I know the drill. So, Bossman, Big Show, just what were you thinking? Bossman and Big Show are in a holding cell. Bossman is dressed as Santa, if Santa wore a flak jacket, and sunglasses. Big Show is dressed as a reindeer, complete with shiny red nose. Both stand as Wevv shows up outside their cell door. Bossman looks over at Show before he speaks. Bossman: Honest Wevv, I can explain the whole thing. It was the first home game for the Phoenix Coyotes at Glendale Arena right? SO Big Show and I decided to see if we could increase awareness of the site, and also do something nice, you know, for the kids. Wevv: Bossman, you and Show dressed up as Santa and a reindeer. Bossman: Yes Wevv: Then you hooked Show up to the casket, you sat in the casket, and then had Show drag you around in the casket. Bossman: Hey, we had to make do with what we had! Wevv: Then you threw Bossman action figures at the people, and yelled, " Go to Lords Of Pain! You bastards! Don’t make me come to your house and give you HARD TIME!" You then proceeded to break into the arena, assault the local hockey broadcasters, and hijacked the zamboni and rammed it into the stands, while yelling "Here’s a five hole for ya! You bastards!". You then proceeded to try to make your escape in said casket, which Big Show was pulling. Am I correct? Bossman: Well, yes. Yes you are. I’m very sorry. Big Show: Me too. Wevv: You know, just once I’d like to have a holiday season that doesn’t involve bailing you out of jail, trying to avoid jail, or any legal problems at all. That’s what I want for Christmas. Bossman: Well, I can’t make that promise. But I’ll tell you what. I’ll stay on the East Coast this year. Big Show: I’ll try Wevv. I’ll be in Iraq, so that’s the best I can do. Wevv: Alright guys, let’s go. Big Show’s limo is waiting out front. You’re just lucky the Coyotes passed off your antics as a publicity stunt. Oh and Bossman, you know the drill. Call Sheriff Joe first thing Monday morning and volunteer for public service duty in tent City. The last thing I want is problems with Joe. As the party shuffles out of the holding cells and through the front desk, waves are shared, some witty comments thrown about, and eventually a hearty sigh of relied from the police officers. It’s only temporary. They know Bossman. They’ve gotten used to him this past year. But we’ll try to keep those two under control for Christmas, my gift to them. And my Christmas Gift to you? The Bossman Awards. THE BOSSMAN AWARDS Before I start handing out awards, a little bit about how they were determined. I base my judgements on Entertainment value. Now, it’s not all Sports Entertainment, it entertainment as whole. Wrestling is factor, but the whole kit and kaboodle in determining who wins. Let the ceremony start! Bossman, would you be so kind as to light JR on fire? Thanks. So, as JR blazes in the background, let’s begin Wevv’s Best of 2003. We start things off with The Rookie Of The Year Award. Actually, I’m going to name this award after my first winner, the Man Who Lived The Dream, Al Wilson. Gone, but not forgotten. The Al Wilson Memorial Award Nominees: Josh Mathews Shelton Benjamin Charlie Haas Brian "Spanky" Kendrick Winner: Josh Mathews Josh was originally trained to be a wrestler. The announcing gig just kind of landed in his lap. While catching up on my weekend programming of Confidential and Velocity, I noticed something. Josh is good as an announcer. Really good. Even stuck with the Cat and Bill DeMott (who also has potential), Josh shines. His backstage interviews are solid, and the guy can call a match. Benjamin and Haas have had a phenomenal year, but as a team, and teams are ineligible to win. Spanky, well, he has moves, he has the "look" but hasn’t really made an impact. Yet Josh, on the other hand, with Coach at this side, could easily replace King and JR. Best Non-Wrestling Move This award is based on events that may or may not happen off camera, but has a direct impact on what happens on camera. Hogan Leaves, comes back under a mask, and leaves before it all hits the fan Steph and Hunter get married Nathan Jones gets paid vacation (To U.S.) H goes to the Movies Taker takes time off Winner: Hogan, The Smartest Man in Wrestling It was a wild world of behind the scene happenings, as WWE begins to look more and more like WCW. Steph and Hunter may have gotten married, but the effects of their union have been plaguing our TV for years. Nathan Jones got to come to the US, got paid, while here, and then got a paid flight back. Nice move. H going to work Hollywood was good for TV, but lasted only a few weeks. But Hogan, he got the big money to come in, do a quick angle, get a WM slot, left, got brought back for big bucks, had to wear a mask, got it over, and then bailed before the situation with Zack Gowan got all McMahonny. And now is positioning himself to come back again. That alone shows why Hogan is the Best. Reality Happens Weird stuff that happens to wrestlers or may be considered "news". Chyna and X-Pac Vince McMahon "Everybody’s favorite guest" Hardcore Holly beats up Tough Enough Rookies What’s the Deal With Planes and WWE? Greg Gumble "Wrestling? That’s Worthless!" Winner: Greg Gumble, on national TV, with about 12 million people watching, telling the viewers that the Heavyweight Championship Belt, is worthless. You know, that really says it all. It was a great TV moment, well, for me at least. The scorn in his voice, and the way he repeated it, and then to have to watch JR try to spin things on Monday when they showed the clip of Clinton Portis holding the belt, and the exact moment when the words were heard in JR’s headset, and he stumbled in his delivery. Priceless. Match of the Year Zack Gowan vs Matt Hardy – No Mercy October 19th, 2003 This match sticks out in my mind from all the rest. This match took a character that had simply been crushed, abused, and used for nefarious purposes by the McMahons. Then, in one match, the guy got to show that he really was a wrestler, and not just a carnival act. The fact that he had one leg was downplayed, and a really good match came out of it, that had drama, action, and was enjoyable. For one brief shining moment, Zack was no longer Gimpy McGimp; he was Zack, the wrestler. Kudos also go to Matt, for working within the limitations and working with Zack to great effect. Of course, he was rumored to get a big ego, and hasn’t been seen on TV since. Best TV Show Confidential I love the show Confidential. It’s unbelievable show, even though it suffers from a bad time slot, and from bias from above. But what it has accomplished is truly great. It’s segments get shown on regular TV, and also on DVD’s. It gave me the behind the scenes look at WWE production. It gives a personal touch to every wrestler shown. It does a great job of hyping and taking fans behind the scenes. Mean Gene is a treat to behold and truly is one of the best in the business. Confidential has done the best with what it has, and for giving me the Big Show Bossman low down, Bradshaw and his love of porn, The Four Horseman, wrestler "Cribs", WWE production notes, and even the sign guy, thank you, and keep up the great work. I would also like to give an honorable mention to the Smackdwon Christmas from Iraq. That was the best Smackdown show I’ve seen in a long while. PR, angles, everything clicked. A very well done show, and it just goes to show what can be done when you stop trying to push the crap and just put on a show. Worst Angle This year it seems like every angle was a bad angle. So, instead of awarding just one, I’d like to pay tribute to the folks who had the angles, and survived them. Kane Ric Flair Goldust Coach Winner: Kane Kane has had more than his share of crappy angles. Yet the guy survives the, and even comes out stronger. This year, he had to unmask. So he did, and guess what, it didn’t make one bit of difference. Kane would be doing just as well with his mask as he is now. Yet Kane, and only Kane, has made his character survive through sheer determination and digging deep within himself to will his character to make a connection with the audience. He’s succeeded admirably. Ric, well, he’s just starting to get over the human pet schtick. Goldust was given a stutter. Howard Stern picked up on it, and made it huge. Not WWE. Stern. Goldust, once he was actually over, which wasn’t the plan, was promptly crushed. Coach was mixed up in the Wrestling Announcers War. He merged hotter than he’s ever been. But he’s not welcome at the upper ranks, and so continues to struggle, but he’s making progress. Maybe next year for Coach. Defies All Logic The parts of the show that just make you shake your head and go "What? What about (blank)? That just never happened? What the hell is going on?" HBK and Y2J "I want to be #1!" "NO! I Do!" "No Me!" Booker T – Criminal Contender Removing Paul Heyman from TV and Creative Control Jobbing Goldberg at SummerSlam Kane…just Kane…. Winner: Jobbing Goldberg at Summerslam It was a hard call. Kane should have been an easy lock, but the fact that Goldberg, after all the hype, after Rock put him over, beats four guys, and then loses to a crippled champion, in the crappiest way possible. How huge would he be now if he had won? Y2J and HBK had a lot of crappy moments in the battle for the #1 spot in the Rumble, the spot that almost never wins, and didn’t this time. When Paul Heyman left TV it was a dark day for smarks, but most of the action happened off TV. Booker T, finally going for the gold, got have King build interest in the face by having King tell everyone he was a convict. King still does that to this day. Nice way to build the guy up. Best Angle/Gimmick Lie, Cheat, and Steal Cena – Wiggers Unite! Hogan vs Rock Big Show vs Brock Lesnar White Boy Challenge Winner: Lie, Cheat, and Steal, Eddie, Chavo, and Tajiri Angles and gimmicks blurred the lines in 2003. But The "Lie Cheat, and Steal" prompted some great matches, the promos were golden, and the fans just wouldn’t let Eddie be turned heel. Cena made some great progress, but still hasn’t been able to use his gimmick to translate into matches. Lately he has, but over 2003 it just wasn’t happening. The White Boy Challenge was actually, surprisingly, very effective at getting some matches going, and even Angle stole the gimmick to have a match with Spanky. Sleeper Of The Year Spanky and London These two have a good chemistry as a tag team. All they need is a makeover. Like Michael Hayes did with the Hardy Boys, if these two find a look or a promo style that can click, they’ll be huge. They have a flashy ring style, the chicks love them, and if they can find a solid opponent that they can work with, like say the Guerreros or Tajiri’s crew, and they’ll get over, and make WWE a ton of money. Celebrity Appearance Mark Cuban ? Winner: None You know, this year was a bad one for celebrities. WWE did have a lot of former wrestlers on, and I guess Mick and the Rock could count, but actual mainstream, non-wrestling affiliated celebrities were scarce. Of course, if you the loyal readers can think of one, just pop his name in there. Most Improved Big Show Dawn Marie John Cena Albert Winner: Big Show Cena was a close call, but he came into 2003 strong. His rapping style was just getting some serious heat. But a feud with Undertaker and Rikishi damped it down. Dawn Marie has played the few parts she’s been given extremely well, but a lack of TV hurt her chances. Albert has actually started to win me over, and he’s a contender for Sleeper of The Year. But Show, wow. He’s come from being one of the most hated men on the net, to being a legitimate contender in spite of the Hoss-A-Palooza going on. His feud with Brock, excellent. His feud with Angle, solid. Benoit? Good. Now he’s working with Cena, and the two combined could make for some excellent matches, and excellent promos. Good job big guy. Now I don’t look so bad supporting you all these years. Show (HAH!) em what you can do. Bad To Worse Bischoff FBI Booker T Jerry "The King Of Running Over Cops On His Way To The High School To Score Dates" Lawler Stone Cold Steve Austin Winner: Eric Bischoff The FBI started off weak. They were incompetent thugs, and while they did have some good moments, they never really got going. Booker T, well, he started off mildly as a contender, even thought the fans loved him, and then H happened. Now he’s struggling to get back to where he once was. Lawler started off bad and now is unbearable. Stone Cold was the guy who couldn’t wrestle, but still beat up people. But Bischoff, has been buried. He was once the Co-GM, and is now a lackey of H. Much like Flair. But no fastest selling DVD will save him. He got pounded by Austin, JR, King (announcers for Pete’s sake!), and as for his management (i.e. Vince’s call) decisions, well, let’s just say that they rank right up there with drafting Mark Henry instead of Brock Lesnar. The Sandwich Feud Award Low points in Wrestling, that encompass both on air and off air happenings that served no real purpose other than to amuse a select few. There Is No World Outside of Wrestling Return of The Hosses Wrestling Announcers Ric Flair, Human Pet "Just Plain Nuts"-A Palooza "Very Creepy People…" Winner: All of them All of them qualify and all of them win. It was a year of inside jokes, personal agendas, and basically just doing whatever Vince felt like doing regardless of the consequences. There is no world outside of wrestling is in reference to the appearances of talent on shows, yet not bothering to tell the fans that they would be on. Unless it was a McMahon. Like Trish Stratus. The girl has gone on more talk shows, made more media appearances that Bradshaw ever did, yet not one friggin word of her work. The Hosses came back in droves, and were pushed hard, yet the fact that they’re green, have no angle other than they’re big, and have little charisma isn’t stopping WWE from putting them on TV each and every week. Using talent that has done a good job of getting themselves over is not an option. Size is important. Vince loves the big guys. Announcers stepped into the ring more than they ever have done in the past, actually getting valuable PPV time, instead of talent that knows how to wrestle. Payback for the support of H. Almost every single new character that has shown up on TV has been mentally challenged in some way. New guy? Just make em nuts. Now go get over. The creepy factor has been off the charts this year, crossing over to both shows, and making angles that had a chance of working crashing and burning. Glimpse of Hope Award One guy that makes you believe it could get better Jericho John Cena Big Show Mick Foley Paul Heyman Winner: Jericho He’s my MVP. He puts on consistently entertaining matches, and segments. Cena is good, but not as good. Big Show is keeping the pace, but not there yet. Mick Foley is just fun to watch on TV, and when he shows up, it means things could get better. Same with Heyman Both know good TV, yet both are limited in what they can do to make it happen. Jericho has done a great job with what he’s been given. The Highlight Reel kept Raw afloat, and his matches have been good. He’s been given his fair share of crap, yet has managed to move beyond it. Now for the Grand Finale, the award you’ve been waiting for: The Bossman Award The Award to the single wrestler who has done more damage to his opponents career than anyone. We’re not just talking physical, but the long lasting kind that takes years to repair. Nominees: H Vince Undertaker Test Mark Henry The Winner Is: H Yes, it was the obvious call to make. But it was harder than it looked. Vince has done a good job of competing, but in the long run, when all is said and done, the folks he’s had angles with aren’t worse off than they were to begin with. Their heat may stall, but it gets back quickly. Same with Undertaker. He’s had feud that were supposed to elevate, but merely froze a push in it’s tracks. John Cena springs to mind. Test, well, test has done nothing to help his opponents, and is now a punishment for losing to H. See, H stole Test’s heat killing talent and added it to his own, making him a deadly foe. Mark Henry, the danger there is falling into his black hole of charisma. Triple H is death itself. Scott Steiner? Huge build up, then a loss and now teaming with Test. A double whammy. Booker T? Got the heat sucked right out of him, and it took months to get back what little he has now. Goldberg? Goldberg was on a huge streak, and H stopped him. The tried to steal his heat (those Goldberg chants he tried to get going, and failed). Once Goldberg survived H’s attempts and won the belt, what happened? Injured, off TV, and then had to come back selling an injury. Now he may be gone for good. H has also plagued Raw when he isn’t even isn’t on the show, as the announcer are told to mention his name and talk about him at every available opportunity. Match slows down, talk about H! H has also recruited (enslaved, your choice) of not one, not two, but even three, but four people who will praise H and tell everyone how great his is, making for such great lines like " I know you have a match tonight Randy, but Triple H, THE GREATEST WRESTLER EVER! Wants you to do your best to make him proud BECAUSE HE"S THE GREATEST WRESLER EVER!""Thanks Ric, I won’t let Hunter down because he’s the best wrestler alive today, and that ever was." "You got that right Randy. I’d let Hunter have his way with me if he wanted, he’s that good.""Me too Ric""Now go win that Intercontinental belt and make Hunter proud!" H, not just the winner of the 2003 Bossman Award, but candidate for The Bossman Lifetime Achievement Award. Thank you for coming and the Management would like to restate that we are not responsible for any damage done to your personal effects or vehicle while you were attending this event. Please leave now, this room is due to be fumigated in a few hours. Thank you once again and DRIVE SAFE! OK Bossman, see if they dropped any change, while Big Show grabs the decoration. Remember, if we stay past four, we have to pay for an extra day. There ya go folks, my Bossman Awards 2003.A few things to go over before we ht the road. First some big plugs. The big plug goes to: ME Last year I wrote a parody piece on the Lord Of The Rings. I wittily called it the Bossman Of The Rings. I put up a six part series in the forums, and now, with Return Of The King running wild, I thought why not re-release it on the main page? So, on off days this week, like Monday and Thursday and maybe next week as well, Bossman Of The Rings will return, and you never know, I may just finish the damn thing. What can you expect? Well, here’s the cast: Cast: Booker T as Frodo Goldust as Samwise Hulk Hogan as Gandalf Jeff Hardy as Legolas Big Show as Gimli Bossman as Aragorn New Jack as all nine of the Ring Wraiths Al Wilson as Sauromon The APA( Bradshaw and Farooq) as Merry and Pippin The next big plug goes to Dumass and His McMahon Christmas A Dumass Thought – A McMahon Christmas Dumass, TinaAli, Phantom Lord, Son Of RepoMan all had a good time, and it’s a funny read. Check it out now! Got Everything Bossman? Show? How come you didn’t get an award Bossman? Well, you’re not on TV that’s why. It’s one of my resolutions, which will be covered in next weeks column. So fire up the hearse, hop on board, and let’s beat it before the landlord see the damages. Until Next Time, Thanks For Reading and Thanks For Ridin’ Wevv Mang mrwevv@mac.com *NEW GALLERY* Must See! Torrie Wilson Out PARTYING HARD in the Clubs!
|
|