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Submitted by Dumass on Wednesday, December 24, 2003 at 10:15 PM EST
Well....Well....Well.... _______________ here at the McMahon house Linda was out shopping so Vince and the maid took advantage of the absence of his spouse Shane and his wife were in his room playing Truth or Dare while Steph and Hunter started to get busy while heading up the stairs Suddenly the doorbell rang, who could it be? "Maybe", Vince thought, "Linda finished her shopping couple of hours early?" So, as the maid wiped her lips, Vince lifted his head heading to the door, an excuse he thought up to make sure he wouldn't end up dead Vince opened the door his pants down to his feet he stopped and pulled them up without missing a beat The door swung open and there he stood "Hey, it's Shawn Micheals" Vince proclaimed thanking God it wasn't his wife Shawn stepped in, a Bible in his hand, like a good Christian would he noticed, by his sweating that Vince was in some form of strife ____________________________ Vince: Shawn......what do you want? Shawn: Vince, I've come to you, on the day of our Savior's birth, to tell you to repent your sins. Vince: Oh no, not this again. Shawn: Oh yes! You have commited acts of evil and lust. You have left your own wife for that harlot, Sable.... Vince: It's a storyline. You know, entertainment? Shawn: Call it what you will! It's still evil! All of you bookings this past year were acts of the devil! Beating your own daughter up, the constant lust over Sable, firing hard-working men; how could you?! Vince: It's fake Shawn. Everything you believe in is fake. Shawn: GOD ISN'T FAKE! BLASPHAMY!! Vince: No, but the wrestling Christian gimmick isn't helping you at all. Shawn: IT'S NOT A GIMMICK!! I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU!!! Vince: Why did you come here and interrupt my household in celebrating Christmas? Shawn: Oh, is Linda here? I have to thank her for the cookie recipe she gave me. Vince: She's....huh....not here.....I'm very...huh....busy..yes, that's it..... Shawn: Uh huh, well I came here to remind you that Christmas is about the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Vince: Well, might I remind you that around here I am thy Lord and Savior and if you don't beat it, you are going to feel my wrath and vengence. Shawn: Do not say that. You are condeming your eternal soul to damnation by doing that. The after life is no joke, Vince. You only get one shot at Heaven. Vince: I'm a good man damn it. Why I spared WCW the misery of a cancerous death. And look at ECW...another 6 months and Heyman would of been in jail for brank fraud. Shawn: That's not the point Vince. I to thought I was a good man. Then Montreal happaned and I realized I was on the road to damnnation. It's Christmas. It's time for second chances. Vince: Yes...I can see it now. I say I'm sorry to Bret...get him for WM 20 and then I jump him in the ring and put him in the sharpshooter. Shawn: I feel you're a lost cause. Much like the booking on Raw. Vince: That's it! ***Vince takes Shawn's Bible and rips it in half*** Shawn: NO!!! MY LORD!! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME????!!! ____________________________ the anger of Vince starts to cease and the door slams shut with little release Vince sits in his favorite chair and comforting sleep comes over him as he falls asleep, his sleep making him feel like his floating in the air The door sounds once more this time louder and gives Vince a slight scare "Now what ?" Vince exclaims, as he heads to the door "This had better be interesting" Vince says, in his overwhelming state of bore with a roar, the door creaks open more why it's Kurt Angle and Edge, probably spreading some fabled Christmas lore _________________________________ (Vince is sitting in front of his fireplace, counting his Christmas money. Suddenly his door gets burst down by a battering ram. Upon closer inspection, the battering ram was Spanky. In walks an irate Kurt Angle and Edge.) Vince: WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? Edge: We need to talk…. Vince: I told you already. You will get your title shot after the money feud between Lesnar and Taker! Angle: That's not just it. It is Smackdown as of late that is a problem. Vince: I agree! Edge: You do? Vince: Yes. Nathan Jones quitting couldn't have came at a worse time. He was destined to be an impact player. Damn Aussie. Edge: That's not what I meant. What I mean is that you should think about giving in to what the fans want to see. Lawler: Puppies? Angle: No. And where the hell did you come from? Lawler: Tennessee… Vince: So what do the fans want? Edge: You mean you don't know? Vince: OF COURSE I DO! I'M VINCE McMAHON, DAMN IT! Angle: So what do they want? Vince: …. Edge: I think we know what they want. Vince: HELL IN A CELL! Angle: What the hell does that have to do with anything? Vince: We book a hell in a cell. Edge: With who? Vince: Here is the plan…. We get Brock Lesnar "injured" and then we advertise his return. Only it's a fake Lesnar… Angle: And who plays the fake Lesnar? Vince: Edge has blonde hair, we just crew cut it and… Edge: No one is gonna think I look like Brock! Vince: Sure they will. If you cut your hair like him. Who is up for some egg nog? Angle: How can you drink egg nog at a time like this. Vince: You are right. YJ Stingers with candy canes would be much better. Angle: ARE YOU EVEN PAYING ATTENTION TO WHAT WE ARE TALKING ABOUT? Vince: You two seem uppity. I know what you need… Edge (mutters): A competant writing staff? Vince: Your presents! ***Vince hands the two of them presents*** Vince: I know you will like them. ***Angle and Edge open their gifts and find matching tights and white coats*** Angle: What are these for. Vince: I figured you two had a lot in common, so I'm tagging you two up! Edge: Why? Vince: See you two both had injuries, so I figure I can call you "The Chiropracters." You wear the white coats to the ring, and then finish your opponents with a tandem neck and back breaker. Angle: That's a great idea Vince. Edge: WHAT?!?! ***Angle motions towards the door. Edge catches on.*** Edge: Ohh…OHHH! Yeah. We can talk about it after contract negotiations. Vince: Great. Feliz Navidad! ***Angle and Edge walk out the door in near tears. Vince looks up and smiles evilly. He grabs his face, pulling it off, to reveal he is really Ole Anderson.*** Ole: And they never thought my ideas would work big time. Well I proved 'em wrong, didn't I Vince? ***Vince is seen tied up behind a couch with garland.*** _____________________________________ his voice, like a vocal borer "What...a....nightmare.." he says, as he catches his breath "...That scared me half to death." "What's wrong Daddy?!" Stephinie called out, hearing her father scream "Nothing dear," Vince lied, "it was just a bad dream." Stephinie shruged and headed back to her room Shane came from hallway, "Is dad ok?" he asked, as he came out abloom "Yea, unfortunately." Steph said, as depression started to soak "Damnit! I want my own damn company! When's that old bastard going to croak?!" Steph entered her room and continued to pack While her deadbeat...err...husband, Triple H sat around watching TV, admiring his newly won belt, and eating a snack _____________________________________ (Steph is in her wing of the McMahon estate busily packing up boxes when HHH enters the room. ) Steph: Oh Hunter, I have the best Christmas present for you. Here, open it up! ***HHH fumbles with the ribbon*** HHH: Steph, you shouldn’t have! A 6 pack of Y2K Stinger! Steph: Oh and that’s not all… ***She holds up a strangely wrapped gift*** Here. I hope you like it. HHH: Hot damn! It’s the complete belt collection. Now we, the Four Horseman, can finally have all the gold. (mumbles) Oh it is great to bone the boss’s daughter. Steph: What? You’re in Evolution not the Horseman dear. Flair was in the Horsemen. I didn’t quite catch that last part. What were you saying? HHH: Um I was saying how lucky I am to have you in my life. Hey Chyna, I mean-uh did you get the china packed yet? Steph: No honey. If you could, just put down the belt for a second and help me lift this box? HHH: So you need some help with your box? I am the game-uh and helping pretty ladies with their boxes is my game. Wait that’s not how it goes. Umm, what did Flair tell me? Oh forget it. Steph: You know I can’t wait to move out of this small little wing and into our new…will you stop humping my leg like a dog already? Christ, what is wrong with you? HHH: But Steph… Steph: I told you before. Only Daddy is allowed to touch the Princess like that. HHH: But I thought… Steph: Oh Hunter, you make me laugh when you tell jokes like that. Ahh, that is the reason why I allowed you to become a McMahon in the first place. Just think honey, soon our life will be perfect. You, me, our new home, our dog… Oh did you pick up my lotion from the store? HHH: I got your lotion right here. ***Starts to move in for the kill*** Yeah Chy…er…Steph, here’s your lotion. ***Tries to rub some on her*** Steph: No Hunter. Not now. Wait. Ohhh yes, it IS a little dry there. Oh that’s better. Yes, put the belt on. Yes, now Hunter. Oh, nothing is as hard as gold. ***She tries to push him down on her pink taffeta covered bed*** HHH: Steph, no wait! What are you doing? Steph: Lay down. I want to show you EVERYTHING that Daddy taught me about the business… HHH: Listen here, I am the Game-uh. I am paid, made, and laid. I don’t lay down for anyone. This is one of those swerves your writers made up isn’t it? Steph: H, darling, now we all know my writers could never come up with anything as entertaining as this. Now just lay down like the princess asks and everything will be fine honey. Trust me. HHH: No. I know any minute Goldberg is going to come running in here with Hebnar behind him. They can’t have my precious! It’s mine, mine! ***He fumbles under the bed for a minute trying to find something*** Steph: Hunter Helmsley, put that sledgehammer down. I told you before, not in the bedroom. HHH: But Steph! I have to be prepared. He’s going to take my precious from me. Steph: Sweetie, just lay down. It’s ok, really. Batista is right outside the door and we know what he can do to Goldberg. HHH: Are you sure it’s safe? Steph: Yes darling. HHH: Well....ok, just this once. ***Trips gives in to Steph, laying down but not taking his eyes off the door for even a second*** Steph: Yes, just listen to Steph. I know what’s best. Oh, our life together is going to be so perfect. I can’t wait until we move in together. The white picket fence, the dog in the yard… HHH: Yeah Steph, about that dog… ________________ "I swear, if I wasn't Vince K. McMahon, I wouldn't put up with this crap." A ringing from outside can be heard from Vince's study making him so pissed that his eyes become ruddy "No more vistors!" Vince screams at the top of his lungs "The next person to interrupt my peace.." Vince said as he gets out his gun "..will get a taste of a Pillman Special and blast them straight to the sun!" Once he says that, another ring at the door the Three Stooges are there, of course, asking for handouts or more ___________________ Vince: What?! Pat Patterson: Come on Mr. McMahon...JOY TO THE WORLD!! Johnny Ace: Don't piss him off, fruitcake. Sargent Slaughter: You know I once took out an entire VC patrol in one shot. Let me do that to Patterson now. Vince: Shut up Slaughter. Sarge: Yes, sir. Pat: Look Mr. McMahon, we are singing these christmas carols for donations. It's going to a good cause. Ace: I thought we were going to a titty bar? Sarge: Quiet you...What he means sir is...ah hell it's cause we're going to a titty bar. Pat: Now come on guys, that's not why. Come on Mr McMahon. The spirit of Christmas is in all of us. Sarge: That's not the only thing that's in him Ace: Christ, you're such homophobe Sarge. Sarge: I don't have anything against homos. Why I beat those little queer maggots just like everyone else. Pat: Yea, same here......wait, what? Vince: I don't care about that!! I DON'T WANT TO BE DISTURBED!! NOTHING!! LEAVE ME ALONE!! Ace: Ah come on Mr. McMahon. Look we can sing any song that you want. Pat: Yea, like Jingle Balls and Dick My Hall and all that stuff. Sarge: Oh no.... Pat: DECK...I SAID DECK!!! Ace: Sure you did. Vince: Why do I keep you people on the payroll? Sarge: Holiday spirit? Ace: Pity? Vince: I think I'm starting to see Bin Laden's point of view. Pat: Bin Laden.....oh! You have him for a hairdresser too? Ace: You can't possibly be that dumb! Don't you know he's talking about his personal driver?! Sarge: I knew it...HE'S A COMMIE!!...GET HIM!! Vince: Of course...again with the commies... Sarge: Sir, it's a proven fact that it's only a matter of time before the Red Chinese try to invade us. I don't know about you but I'm prepared for their invasion. Pat: Oh I just love the Chinese. Well, mostly their massage parlors. Vince: I know. I've been in one of those. The girls there really know how to use their hands.......err...ahem....I don't know what you're talking about. Sarge: You've slept with the enemy? GET HIM!!! Ace: SARGE...HOLSTER YOUR WEAPON!!! Pat: Why does he do that? He wasn't even in 'Nam. Sarge: Yes I was! You just don't know! You don't know!! Ace: It's ok Sarge. The war is over. Charlie is in retreat. Vince: The closest you've seen to war is being on that G.I. Joe cartoon. Sarge: I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU !!!! Vince: Bring it on, Gomer Pyle!! Pat: I just love those cartoons. Ace: I bet you do. Why did I ever leave Japan? Pat: The small penises.....oh wait...why did YOU leave Japan...sorry... Ace, Sarge, Vince: Ewwwww. Vince: I'll tell you all what I'll do. Pat: I'll get the lotion! Vince: Not that! If you all sing Winter Wonderland with out killing each other, I'll give you each a $100. Sarge: Ok, I think we can do that. Ace: Yeah, ok...I'll start. Sarge: No! I'll start. Ace: NO! Pat: Watch and learn how it's done, boys. Ahem. Dashing through the snow... Sarge: You maggot...thats the wrong song. Ace: Leave it up to Frosty the Dickweed to screw it up! Pat: It's SNOWMAN AND I'VE NEVER SCREWED ANYTHING!! Sarge: Not according to Bradshaw. Ace: Hey now, he's a by god hoss...plus he has my money tied up in Enron stock... Vince: While I'm still here guys. Sarge: Sleigh Bells ring...are you listening... Ace: ...In a one horse open sleigh.... Pat: ...and may your days be merry and bright...and all your Christmas' be white.. Sarge: Wrong songs, idiots. Ace: I only know "Jingle Bells". Pat: Then improvise, dummy. Sarge: Yeah. Dummy. Ace: Something something...if WCW was still around I wouldnt have to put up with this shit... Pat: Ohhhhhhh!! Jingle Bells, Batman smells.... Vince: You have 10 seconds to leave my property before I sick the dogs on you. Pat: Dogs taste like chicken, that's what my hairdresser told me. Ace: What, after you finished having sex with him? Sarge: You had sex with a commie?! GET HIM!!! Vince: Gentlemen, if I see you again this year, you're fired. ***closes door*** ________________ His tempature boiled as it started snowing The ice and cold started to soothe him a bit and he shut the door quietly, peaceful thoughts overcame his mind of grit But before he could relax for one minute the door chimed again, falling on a ears better left moot Vince took a breath, sighed and gave up He answered the door, but not expecting who he saw then _________________ Vince: Well I’ll be damned! Hogan: Happy Holidays brutha! Vince: Of all the people to come knocking on my door this Christmas… Hogan: Well, being in the spirit of the holidays, I thought me and my Hulkamaniacs could pay you a visit. It’s been a while since we’ve talked, brutha. Vince: If I remember correctly that’s because I told you…you’re fired! Hogan: You mean it was for real this time? But I’ve brought you a fruitcake. Brutha, we’ve done this all before. You fire me. I come back and grovel for my job… Vince: You tried to make me look bad in front of all my fans Hogan. I know it was you under that Mr. America mask. That via satellite trick didn’t fool me one bit. Hogan: Brutha, for the last time I am not Mr. America! Vince: Well let’s prove it then. Let’s give the fans what I know they want to see because after all, I am Vincent Kennedy McMahon and no one knows what the fans want more than me... Hogan: No disrespect Vince but for the last time I am not… Vince: You shut up and listen to me goddammit. Don't you interrupt me! We do things my way around here. You give me some respect. I am the one that made you what you are. You’re nothing without me. Nothing! Do you want to go back to being that little fat kid everyone knew as Terry? Hogan: No you didn’t make me. I made the WWF what it is today. Let’s face it. You know you need me. Look at how the ratings have fallen since I left! It has to be because everyone wants to see me on their TVs again. Vince: Hmmm. No wait, I have an idea. They’ll never see it coming. You can come back only if you join the kiss my ass club…. at WMXX. Smell the buyrates! Hogan: Brutha, I’m there _____________ A knock could be heard on the roof Hogan ran, fearing that the NWA-TNA lynching trail was hot while McMahon was going towards the chimney to see what scared the Red and Yellow goof He looked and....you know what, this sucks Why am I going to continue this crap when I'm payed no bucks Fuck this and fuck Vince this is end of this fucking rhyming shit I've got some nice holiday cocaine to mince and some pretty little elf ass to hit ________________ ***Vince heard a clatter from the chimney. He rushed over to see what was going on.*** Vince: Santa? ***But it wasn’t Santa. It was a strange little oriental man, who appeared in a red mist. He crouched, looked around, and then rushed over to the front door and threw it wide. There was a mass of red and white.*** Mark Henry: "Man, that chimney was too small, you gotta get a bigger one." Tajiri: (speaking Japanese): Yes, oh fat one. Your enormous slow moving girth was too great for mere stone to contain. Mark Claus: Come on elf, we got some presents to bring in. Go grab the bag, I’ll take care of the snacks. Vince: Wait just a second, wait one gosh darned second! You’re not Santa! Santa isn’t black! And he doesn’t have an Oriental Elf! Just who the hell do you think you are! Barging into my house… Hey where’s he going? ***The elf vanishes out the door and returns carrying a large bag. He starts to throw assorted presents around the tree.*** Tajiri: (speaking Japanese): Oh noble sir, the fat one is busy eating, while I, his humble servant am left to do the work. Curse you Vince McMahon! These gifts contain dog poo! I hope you like them. Vince: I haven’t a clue what you’re saying! Where did that fat guy go? Tajiri (speaking Japanese): He’s in your kitchen, oh evil one! I hope he eats your fridge too, oh son a bitch! HAHAHAHA! Vince: Oh so you’re laughing now? Wait til I call my security! Then we‘ll see who’s laughing! ***Vince picks up the phone and quickly dials a number. The front door, still ajar, burst open. Another Santa is standing there puffing, this one is bigger than the last one.*** Big Show: Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! Sorry I’m late, but the limo driver had the night off, and I sure ain’t driving myself! Tajiri (speaking Japanese): Oh great, another big fat Santa! The world is doomed to starvation! ***He lifts another package out his sack. *** Tajiri (speaking Japanese): Ugh! This one smells ripe! Here you go, you Oh creepy one! Vince: What the hell is going on?!?! Just who the hell do you think you are? Are you the real Santa? Then who the hell was that other guy? Santa Show: Other guy? Hey, I’m jolly old St. Nick alright! Look at me, I’m seven feet, four hundred pounds of Santa! ***The other Santa emerges from the depths of the house, loaded with food, and gnawing on a turkey. He mumbles around a mouth full of food*** Mark Claus: You ran out of cookies and milk, so I helped myself to the fridge. Ho! Ho! Ho! You got anything else to eat? Traveling the world ain’t easy for the World’s Most Athletically Gifted Four Hundred Pound Plus Santa! Santa Show: Hey Buddy, I don’t know who you think you are, but there’s only one Santa! Mark Claus: Look Man, this is a great gig. I get free food, I don’t have to work too hard, just show up. Ain’t nobody taking this from me! I got three years left on my contract! Santa Show: Oh yeah? I got six years left, and I got a limo, and a big sandwich! Mark Claus: You got a big sandwich??? Oh, it’s on!" ***Vince stares in awe as Mark Claus drops his food (after a last bite) and charges (waddles) towards Big Santa. The two lock up. Seconds crawl by. Then minutes. Vince still stares in awe. The Elf, finished urinating on Vince’s presents and couch, ties his sash, and moves over to Vince. He nudges him and says, with lots of leering and gestures*** Tajiri (speaking Japanese): Oh bastard, while you stare in awe at these two fat goofs, I’m going to go upstairs and have sex with your wife! You don’t mind do you? Vince: Yeah, sure, whatever, Do whatever you want. Man, if I could get these two on TV, it be phenomenal ratings! The Elf laughs and runs up the stairs. A scream rings out, then some frantic Japanese cursing, and a scuffle, then in broken English, a cry rings out. Tajiri (speaking Japanese): Help! Help! Fat One! Big One! Creepy One! The She-Devil! She crazy! Help! ***"Looks like I got my present early!" A female voice says, then a door is slammed and nothing more is heard, except for some high pitched yelps, that are strangley masculine. Flashing lights breaks Vince out of his trance of the two huge guys standing there, straining and grunting. A figure jumps through the wide standing door, rolls, across the carpet, ducks behind the sofa, and leaps up onto it, nightstick extended. He quickly scans the room. He then takes a sniff and steps down off the sofa with an "EEEWWW!" He then rushes over to Vince, and grabs him.*** Bossman: Vince! Are you OK! I got the call and rushed right over!" Vince: It’s OK Bossman. Look at those two! It’s just amazing! This is the greatest match ever! And it’s happening right in my living room! I gotta get a camera crew over here!" ***Bossman looks at the strange light in Vince’s eyes, and then looks over at the two big bastards, who have no moved on tot he test of strength stance.*** Bossman: Don’t worry Vince! I’ll take care of it!" ***Bossman rushes out the door, The engine to his car is heard revving and red light washes in through the still open door. Bossman rushes back in, but his car is still heard to be running. He’s carrying a length of chain. He loops it around the almost motionless figures.*** Vince: That’s it Bossman! Keep them here! We can’t do a PPV from my house! People will flock in droves to see this live! ***Bossman rushes out the door again. His engine is heard revving. Then the chain leaps taught, the two behemoths topple over and are dragged out the door. Vince is stunned. Then he madly rushes out the door.*** Vince: NOOOOO! Bring them back Bossman! You evil bastard! I’ll never put you on TV again! ***The weight is too much for the car, and the dragging is slow. Vince manages to catch up, and with a running leap, he jumps on top of the two still struggling Hosses.*** Bossman: You’re all mine now! _________________________ We, the writers of this, hope you had fun. Please remember to thank the helpers and players of this spoof Because without them, there would be nothing but another column of HHH's politcal goof: Phantom Lord for his help in ideas and speech Without the help of Tinaali from the LOP Fourms the comedy of this play would have been completely out of reach A long time friend, Son Of Repoman, also from the fourms, helped and it was greatly needed WevvMang's talents stole the show, of course, for him to be a part of it, I begged and pleaded and, of course, our boss, Calvin Martin, for giving us the permission to put on this little skit and last, but not least, myself, Dumass, who basically thought up this shit. With the holidays now here and the New Year upon us so clear I, along with all here at the LOP Main Page, wish you well and as I close, I will quote Tiny Tim from "A Christmas Carol", Merry Christmas to all. And to all, Eat a bag of Christmas Hell, Dumass and the LOP Columns Fourms and Staff To Email The Helpers To Give Feedback And Such: Here is the link. *NEW GALLERY* Must See! Lots of Rare and Hot Photos of Randy Orton's New Wife Samantha!
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