A Dumass Thought - I got your holiday cheer right here!!
Submitted by Dumass on Monday, December 22, 2003 at 7:09 PM EST



Well....Well....Well.....

It is I, your wrestling God, Dum "Twas the week of Christmas, and all through the house, while you
were out working, I was banging your wife under her blouse" Ass.

This week is a busy one since everyone decided to shop now. I thank goodness I have no friends, so I don't need to buy presents! Ha! Suckers!

Before the column, RANDOM THOUGHTS~!
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1) It's finally upon us. All I hope for is peace on Earth, but if that's not possible, I want to at least come out of this week with a hot chick in my bed. Oh yeah.......[/Superfly]

2) Malls suck.

3) Kids suck.

4) Especially the ones here.

5) We just had an earthquake.

6) I hate earthquakes.

7) I hate kids as much as I hate malls and earthquakes.

8) I also hate Christmas.

9) Except for the Christmas specials.
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When Fans Attack!!!!!!!
- Fan mail that is filled with hate.
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Y'know, the majority of email I get is positive fanmail. People actually ask me things and I do answer all my fanmails.So, why is it that someone always seems to be upset at something I say, especially when they've read it over and over again? I don't get it. Oh well, here's a moron that just got to me in these past two weeks. Well, not really get to me, but made me wonder why people like him are able to reproduce and have ugly, incestous kids.

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From: Joe Preston To: "'dum_as_5@hotmail.com'" Subject: Wow!
Date: Wed, 10 Dec 2003 15:04:38 -0600

You write the absolute worst columns I've ever seen. You think you are funny and you are not. However, I have to applaud you for your choice of a name. Congrats on that! How did you make the main page? Are you banging
Calvin? Please stop writing.

Sincerely,

Joe Preston

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Now, come on. I couldn't possibly be the worst columnist you've seen. That title is reserved for the morons
at 411 and 1Bob.

(except 411 Black, those guys are terrific!

Scotsman, you owe 2 dollars.)

Now, I've been told by my royal readers every week that I'm 'fucking hillarious', which goes to show that you obviously don't know what funny is. Now, I'm not going to label you or bitch at you. I'm just going to hand you one thing.

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This was sent one month ago :

"From: Joe Preston To: "'dum_as_5@hotmail.com'" Subject: Your column
Date: Tue, 11 Nov 2003 11:05:39 -0600

Not really good, at least not my style. But hey, some people like it right?"
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Now, I'm not one to force my column on anyone. There are no advertisements and there is no one emailing you to read my column. If there is however, then it isn't me. You have obviously read my column before and didn't enjoy it. Fine. I can live with that; but if you are going to not find my column interesting or funny, then WHY THE MOTHER FUCK ARE YOU STILL READING IT?????!!!!

Fuck, you little fucking crybaby with your whole 'I wish I was special enough to write on a main page. Boo Hoo!! Mommy!!! The man on the internet is saying things I don't like. Boo Hoo' bullshit. Christ, get it through your fucking head nimrod (and to all of you); I don't GIVE A FUCKING SHIT if you like my column or not. If you like it, good. If you don't, then don't tell me about it because I'm not going to give one shit or another. Your opinion is fantastic for you to have, but trust me, for every 20-25 emails of 'You kick ass' and 'You're fucking hillarious', I get one 'You suck. Wah!' email.

Now, I'm not one to hate the idea of negative feedback. I'm all for it, and if people would email me telling me what they would like to see change or what they had a problem with, they should know that I will email them (when I get the chance) to respond with my quips and such, but useless email like "U R GAUY AND I TINK UR COLMN IS DUM HAHAHAHAHAHAHA SUCK CALVN COCK!!JAHAHAHAHA" isn't going to help or damage my column; all it's going to do is hold up the other 10-12 emails of legit questions and comments that, quite frankly, deserve more attention than your crap.

By the way, I really enjoyed your hillarous pun on the whole name thing. Har har. Shit, you're funny. I'm sure the 5-6 year olds that your mom pays off to play with you taught you that one.

Oh and your question on how I got on the main page sure is an interesting story.

See, I was fucking your mom and I told her that if I cum in her ass, I would be on the main page of LOP and if I cum on her face, then I would be the President of Norway. Well, your mom's ass was completely loose and I just couldn't hold it in after the 30-31st minute. So, up the ass it went and that's why I'm here. I kept going for another 20 minutes or so until your sister came in the room and I had to switch bitches. But don't worry, I gave you something this holiday season. You should have a new brother and become a new uncle by Christmas.

Merry Christmas!

Thanks for reading the column and continuing to prove that worthless people like you are needed to continue the happiness of better people like me.

Dumass
_______________________

Drop this moron a line and tell him that he's been owned in front of the world to see.

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Looking Into The Past.......

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Well, the WWE finally released Goldust after several years of loyal (And I do mean LOYAL) service. They made up the excuse that they didn't see his character work with the crowd; of course I don't know how a gold-plated "queer" who stutters uncontrolably is supposed to either identify with the fans and/or get over enough to make the fans give two shits about him. Remember when Goldust was really something to the fans? No? Here's a refreshment.


The Brief History of Goldust
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Inbetween the time areas where wrestling was cool and wrestling sucked, there was a year called 1995. That year,Dustin Runnels dropped his "I'm Dusty's son!" persona and created one by himself. He would deck himself out in super-fly queer gear and strut his stuff by the monkier named Goldust; thus the legend was created. He would begin his career as an inspiring artist, owning his own movie studio (Shattered Dreams Productions), and have his manager, Marlena, direct all of his matches like they were parts in a movie. As for Dustin, he was climbing the ladder of success, getting win and win, until he was given a chance at the WWF I.C. Championship. Razor Ramon, who was the champ at the time, was a guy who didn't take well to Goldust; so naturally, Goldust took advantage of this and played mind games, throwing the "Bad Guy's" machismo off as Goldust seemed to be in horn-dog love with him. With the mind games in set and the people really starting to get into Goldust, the two came to blows at the 1996 Royal Rumble; with the help of the 1-2-3 Kid, the victor was Goldust, the new I.C. Champion.

Things really kicked into gear later on that year, when Goldust found himself in a fued with "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, the acting commish at the time. Goldust was overwhelmed with the power that Piper possesed, so, like he did with Razor, Goldust tried to "suck up" to Piper. Unfortuanately, Piper didn't have the mutual feelings for Goldust (going so far to call Goldy a "Fu-fu, tights wearing mamma's boy") and would lead to a fight at Wrestlemaina XII; the match being a "Backlot Brawl", a fight in a Hollywood studio backlot and (after some shady car footage) finished with Piper beating Goldy in the ring of WM XII. After Wrestlemaina, Goldust lost his I.C. title to Savio Vega, but regained it back the same night; and headed to the King Of The Ring. After a brutal match with the original "king of queens", the Ultimate Warrior, they were counted out in the first round. After that, he went into a fued with the Undertaker, winning several Casket Matches surpirsingly enough, and was finally defeated by Ahmed Johnson for the I.C. title in June '96.

After a fued with Marc Mero (which Goldust lost), Goldy was slowly edging into a losing streak. In August '96, he lost a Ladder match to the WWF World Champion, "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels. Goldust was then soundly defeated in a "Final Curtain" match by the Undertaker at Mind Games in September, then couldn't take down Mero, who had gotten the IC Title. Mero beat Goldust at Buried Alive in October with his Shooting Star Press. Things continued this way for Goldust until he focused his attention towards a former ally, Hunter Hearst Helmsley (who had beat Mero for the I.C. title). Goldust was slowly becoming a face against the over heel of HHH. After losing in a match at the Royal Rumble '97 due to an interference, Goldust got him back by eliminating HHH from the Royal Rumble. Their fued would last until Wrestlemaina (making a small bump in a fued with Crush).Goldust was gaining respect from the fans at the time, with various interviews taking place where he talked about himself without all the glitter of "Goldust". Unfortuantly, that lead to shit because Goldust lost at Wrestlemaina after being Predigree'd by HHH, trying to save Marlena from Chyna. He then tried to get in the KOTR, but was outed by Jerry Lawler.

Goldust next joined up with "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, "The Most Dangerous Man" Ken Shamrock, & the Legion of Doom (Hawk & Animal) to battle against the Hart Foundation (Bret Hart, Owen Hart, Flyin' Brian Pillman, Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, & "The British Bulldog" Davey Boy Smith. The two teams (US & Canada) fought it out at Canadian Stampede in July '97, which was held in Canada, leading to the US team being booed for most of the match. During the brutal fight, both Owen Hart & Animal were injured and taken to the back. After Austin fought with some of the other Harts at ringside, a returning Owen rolled him up for the victory, giving Goldust another loss. Goldust and Pillman would get into a major fued wherethe stipulation would be if Pillman lost, he would have to wear a dress; the match took place at Summerslam 1997, and Pillman was in the dress the next night on Raw. After that match, the fued esculated to Ground Zero, where Pillman won the rights to Marlena for 30 days. They implied that Pillman and Marlena were "doing the nasty" for several weeks, but, tragically, the angle was cut short when Brain Pillman passed away from a durg overdose. Marlena and Goldust seperated from the manager/wrestler relationship when Goldust threw down his wedding band and left her.

Goldust later brought Luna Vachon in as his manager, and feuded with Vader, leading up to the 1998 Royal Rumble. Goldust soon began calling himself "The Artist Formerly Known As Goldust", changing around his persona in strange ways. He started to wear really werid shit and making a multi-colored face every night. At the Rumble, Goldust & Vader fought it out, with Goldust getting a kiss on Vader at one point. Vader dominated, however, and even with Vachon hanging on his back, managed to Vaderbomb Goldust and take the win. After another fued with "Marvelous" Marc Mero and his bitch...errr.....valet, Sable and a small fued with Cactus Jack, Goldust disappeared from the scene on injury leave.

Over the summer months, Goldust started to appear, but not Goldust per se', but "Good Christain Man" Dustin Runnels. He would preach on the dangers of wrestling and the evilness of all the sex and violence. At the time, the P(arent)T(elevision)C(ouncil) were on Vince and the WWF's ass because of the entire Attitude thought process that was being used. This "new" Dustin was a blantent shot at the stuck-up idiots at the PTC and Goldust (who was one of the PTC main examples of "bad wrestling") was the one who would take the shot. He mentioned that wrestling had cost him his marriage with his ex-wife Terri (Marlena); and started to fued with Val Venis, whom Terri was now managing.

The fued lasted good while until a few month later, when Dustin slowly changed back to the Goldust everyone knew and loved. At Judgement Day 1998, he defeated Val, promptly ending the fued. Goldust set his sights on Jeff Jarrett's valet, Debra McMicheal, which would send his "Homo-Meter" off track since he now dig the snatch. Jarrett didn't take too kindly to this and they had a match at Rock Bottom 1998; but not an ordinary match,a "Striptease" match, where, if Goldust won, Debra would have to strip in front of the crowd, but if Jarrett won, Goldy himself would have to strip. As you can expect, people were pulling for Goldust to, at the very least, not lose. After a "Dusty Finish" by acting commish Shawn Micheals, we were about to see Debra show off the puppies, but Jarrett (as the Blue Blazer) saved Debra and upset the crowd, as would be expected.

After this, Goldust started to sink slowly into the depths of crapdom; enlisting the help of the Blue Meanie (of all people) to help him in his dirty deeds. Along with the newly renamed "Bluedust", Goldy fueded with Al Snow over Head. After that bombed, he was given one more push for the I.C. title at Wrestlemaina XV in a Fatal 4-Way with Road Dogg, Ken Shamrock, and Val Venis. He lost that match and, due to injuries, was released by the WWF.

After his stint in WCW, he came back, along with several other wrestlers, at the Royal Rumble 2002. After his show-up, he started trying to become friends with WCW alumni Booker T. The two seemed perfect for each other. They played off each other so well that fans were starting to care about Booker for the first time and were gaining interest for Goldust again. In the ring, they were like clockwork, using their signature moves and still used comedy and such to pull off several good matches from the teams like the UnAmericans and the Dudley Boys. They were given the WWE tag titles at Armageddon '02 in a Fatal 4-Way with the Dudleys, Regal/Storm, and Jericho/Christian. Unfortunatly, they held the titles for less than month when the WWE decided that no matter how over or how talented they were together, they wouldn't be entertaining as champs; this despite the fact that the crowd ate up every single segment and chanted their names when they weren't wrestling. The WWE broke them up and made them into singles wrestlers.

After some really bad matches and promos, the WWE decided to have Evolution pick on Goldust to get to Booker since Booker was fueding with HHH. They beat him up and "electrocuted" him. Goldy was out for several weeks, coming back with an incredible studdering problem. The crowd didn't buy it, hated it, and stop paying attention. Goldust would show up periodically to give his studdering advice and then went off TV altogether.

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The People's Voice

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Well, they let Goldust go. That's shit. For a guy who was able to make a gimmick work for so long without it becoming stale shows that he was a great asset. Too bad Vince and the rest of the morons in the WWE can't figure out that Dustin can be used for better things that studdering. BookDust was one of the best creations in 2002, a year that really was very disappointing to the fans and the WWE in general. They were the bright spot in the entire year; the one thing making wrestling still fun to watch.

The WWE can blame whatever they want on firing Goldust, but the truth of the matter is that Goldust wasn't cared about in the management office, so they basically killed him off and made excuses about it. Fuck the WWE management for that.
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Anyway, that's all for this week here. I'm very busy putting together a Christmas special for the LordsOfPain main page, so alot of my work and effort is being thrown there.

Thanks to the The Accelerator's Wrestling Rollercoaster for the help on the research.

Oh, a plug to my British buddy and fellow columnist Pt2 and his column Take Up Thy Wrestling Boots And Walk. He asked me to write up a small review on the classic Wrestlemania match of Bret "Hitman" Hart and "Rowdy" Roddy Piper for the I.C. title (back when it meant something~!) and I graciously said yes. The column, as a whole, is a great read, and he even used some other columnists from the message board, which is majorly cool of him and them. Go read it if you hated my column because it is a much better read.

Ok, time to let you guys off.

Be sure to come back and read the Christmas special that LOP will have out.

Until next time,

Eat a bag of holiday hell,

Dumass

Lethal Wrestling: The nuts to my holiday fruitcake!!

....that didn't sound right.








*NEW GALLERY* The AMAZING New Karen Angle Tease Photos!

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