Wrestling in a Bottle: The Ultimate Wrestlemania XX Card and Armageddon Predictions
Submitted by Snapple on Saturday, December 13, 2003 at 5:05 PM EST



Hello, and welcome to a newfangled edition of Wrestling in a Bottle, the little column that could. Another week has gone by and oh mah goodness, finals are going to kill me. I still think midterms are a more stressful time of the semester, but finals are still pretty bad. I see that a lot of people liked my review of the Flair DVD. Some disagreed with my ratings, and I appreciate that too, because I am certainly not the end-all be-all of wrestling opinions. Nobody is. I'm just one guy who I think has a pretty firm grasp on what makes for good wrestling, and I will stand by my writing 100%.

This week is Armageddon hype! I mean Hell, if the WWE can't even hype their own show properly, who will? More importantly, this week I'm going to be bringing you Snapple's Ultimate Wrestlemania 20 card. So check that out, but first... onto the predictions.

Armageddon Predictions

I'll be blunt. The card is weak. There are only six matches, and most of them will stink. This is by far the worst card ON PAPER of the year so far. I'm not saying it will be the worst wrestling PPV, but the build-up has just been weak, weak, weak. Bad Blood and Unforgiven both looked a lot better on paper than this one does.

Battle of the Sexes: Lita and Trish Stratus vs. Chris Jericho and Christian
I'm afraid of what will happen here. Either we'll see an ACTUAL wrestling match, which will be horrible as I'll have to watch Jericho and Christian have to bump and sell for a couple of pin-up girls, which just isn't right, no matter who wins. Obviously there's no way the girls would win cleanly, but I could see Jericho helping the girls win. I have no idea how that would work, and it would be the lamest face turn ever, but hey, whatever works. I'm going to go with the sensible approach and say the men win. In any case, it will be a horrible moment for wrestling.
Snapple's Pick: Jericho and Christian

Booker T vs. Mark Henry
Holy crap this match will suck. There's no reason for this match to be here. If Booker wins, it does nothing for his career, and if Henry wins, his push will fail and Booker's credibility will be forever ruined. Just look at the six-man tag match from this past RAW. Every time the crowd would get fired up, Henry would tag in and the audience would precede to go silent. Plus, this is a guy who's primary finishers are bodyslams and bearhugs. Oh, what a ring technician he is. I think I would rather see Rodney Mack again, and that's sad. Anyway, unless the WWE has gone completely mental, Booker will go over, which I have utmost faith he will.
Snapple's Pick: Booker T

Shawn Michaels vs. Batista
Well it's official. Shawn Michaels has now fought every member of Evolution on Pay-Per-View in the last 12 months. And guess what else? He's lost to every single one of them. I guess we can't put over Jericho where it matters, but it's okay for Randy Orton (even if it was a really screwy ending). Anyway, I think that Michaels should go over here, but will he? It's doubtful, and that scares me. Especially since Batista sucks in the ring, which I have almost always said. Apparently all a hoss needs to get pushed these days is a decent powerbomb, despite having no talent otherwise. Then again, Batista isn't Triple-H's pet project, Orton is. It's about time Michaels actually won a payoff match to save some credibility.
Snapple's Pick: Shawn Michaels

Intercontinental Championship: Rob Van Dam (c) vs. Randy Orton
Hooray for more Evolution matches. I was about 110% sure Orton was going over at Armageddon until last week. RVD already looks like a weak champion. He lost and regained the title in ten minutes about a month ago. Then, he lost non-title matches the last two weeks in a row. Yeah, it's good to see they still have faith in RVD. Then again, I noticed that Mick Foley made himself the guest referee for this match with the excuse of keeping Ric Flair from interfering. Uh huh, how very convenient, since Orton was the one who pushed Foley down the stairs to declare himself the Legend Killer. Now, if they're trying to establish a Foley-Orton feud, perhaps leading into Wrestlemania, I seriously doubt they'll feud over the Intercontinental Title. Plus, I think when Orton finally does win the IC title, it's going to be for a long run. Therefore, I'm going WAY out on a limb with this prediction...
Snapple's Pick: Rob Van Dam

Tag Team Championship: The Dudley Boys (c) vs. Cade & Jindrak vs. Hurricane & S.H.I.T. vs. Lance Storm & Val Venis vs. La Resistance vs. Test & Steiner
This could be the one entertaining match of the night, provided it's given a lot of time to let all the teams show off their stuff. There's a serious lack of credibility in the RAW tag division, but if any teams stand out after tonight, they could get a deserved push. The only unfortunate thing is that to me, the winner of the match is all too obvious. Personally though, any of the teams not named The Dudleys could make decent champions at some point. Cade & Jindrak need a gimmick BAD, but their in ring work isn't bad at all. Hurricane & SHIT are just plain entertaining, and Hurricane is a great worker, even if his partner is far from it. Storm & Venis are almost never on TV, so you can't expect for them to get a lot of pops, but they're both admirable ring workers, particularly Venis. La Resistance still have a horrible gimmick, but replacing Grenier with "Master of the Neckbreaker" Rob Conway has done WONDERS for their in-ring work to the point where they're actually watchable sometimes. In my opinion, Test & Steiner have done a good job of getting heat lately, but both of them are being wasted if they don't get those tag straps soon. If they're just a throw-together tag team that'll never win the gold, there's no point in keeping them together when they could both have respectable singles careers. If I were booking this match, I would actually give the titles to Steiner and Test, and let them feud with Hurricane/SHIT for a while. That could be fun. No, really! I'm not crazy, I swear... As I said earlier though, the winners are obviously those HeAT graduates Cade & Jindrak. If they'd only get some matching tights and a personality, they could do good things with the titles.
Snapple's Pick: Jindrak & Cade

World Championship: Goldberg (c) vs. Kane vs. Triple-H
This match is probably going to stink badly. Aside from that, the build-up has been piss poor. Triple-H decided he's not done trying to beat up Goldberg, and Kane also decided he wants the world title for some reason. A couple of run-ins with no real story behind it, and voila, we have this title match. I'm still a big Kane supporter, but I honestly feel that the WWE is making Kane hold back in the ring to make him seem more monster-like. Yeah, everyone (read: Vince) loves big lumbering oafs, but I know Kane can move around the ring and do more things than he's been doing. Kane's matches are going to suffer because of this, but maybe he's only holding back so that Goldberg doesn't look bad. If they throw Kane against some smaller guys, maybe he'll move around faster, ya know, if he doesn't squash them first. Of course I think Kane deserves the title more than those other two buffed out injury-prone freaks, but as long as Kane doesn't take the pinfall in this match, he can lose and still save face. Eh, my gut is giving me mixed signals. Goldberg's credibility has been ruined by those near clean wins by Trips this past month, but Goldberg could come back with yet another win.
Snapple's Pick: Goldberg

I'm really not feeling very confident about that last pick. My gut tells me Triple-H may win the title back, but man, that would suck. The only way I would ever accept Triple-H winning the title back is if he dropped it cleanly at Wrestlemania and didn't win it back in a rematch. If Triple-H wins this Sunday, he will also become the person to win the most WWF/E world titles in the history of the company. Scary, isn't it? Obviously Flair has more overall world titles, but only two of them are WWF title wins. Just a thought. At any rate, I firmly believe this PPV will be horrible, with the only match I'm even excited about seeing being the tag turmoil match. Everything else just reeks of lame booking. If I'm proved wrong, I'll eat my words. Time will tell.


Fantasy Wrestlemania XX Card

So I've been looking around LOP lately, and it seems that everyone is doing these fantasy Wrestlemania XX cards. The thought hadn't even crossed my mind, but I got to reading Phantom's, Daveyboy's, and others, and I emailed Daveyboy in particular because I had some thoughts on his card, and he said that I should make a card of my own. Well, I thought about it, so why not? I bet I could come up with something that I personally would want to see that would very much be plausible given the current storylines, although obviously not probable, because I'd book a lot differently that Vince and Stephanie do. So if I were given the books starting with Armageddon, this is the card I would work towards at the granddaddy of them all in March.

WWE Championship: Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar (c)
I thought a lot about how this match should be booked, and I just couldn't come up with a good way for them both to be the champion going into this match. Either the match would have to end in a draw, a DQ, or the titles would have to be unified. I seriously doubt the WWE wants to unify the titles, so let Goldberg drop his title to Kane via screwjob. I would have him drop it to Triple-H, but it wouldn't work, given the plans I have for him. I would then have Goldberg win the Royal Rumble, but instead of challenging his own brand's champion for the title at Mania, he shocks us by challenging Brock instead. Unstoppable force versus immovable object. I can't say who I'd have win this match, but there would indeed be a winner.

World Championship: The Undertaker vs. Kane (c) (Hell in a Cell)
In another semi cross-brand match, I would have Taker return and immediately go after his brother. Of course, I am vehemently against this feud, but as long as the WWE is going to go through with it, I'll work with what I have. So let's make Taker jump to RAW, and then let's make this a Hell in a Cell match. It'll make things interesting. I'd really make the announcers build up Taker's undefeated streak the month leading into Wrestlemania, so it'll be all the more meaningful when Kane ends that streak. Yes, you heard me right. Baby brother is finally getting the torch from his older worn down sibling. If not, there's no point in having this match at all.

The Rock vs. Chris Benoit
The Rock needs someone to fight at Wrestlemania, right? Why not put him against someone who could carry him to something awesome even with the Rock's ring rust? Since the Rock is involved, there needs to be motivation behind the feud. First, I'd start booking Benoit on a mega winning streak against disposable midcarders. Benoit becomes a cool and merciless technical machine in the ring, so everyone thinks he's going to challenge for the title again. So let's say the Rock returns helps out Benoit in a few situations against Brock. Rock and Benoit team up against Brock and... let's say Big Show, where if Rock gets the pin, he gets to challenge Brock for the title on PPV. However, during the bout, Benoit heel turns on Rocky, and goes on a tirade about how Rock takes too much time off and isn't "worthy" of challenging for the belt. So then Rock and Benoit can take it from there until Wrestlemania.

Mick Foley vs. Triple-H
The reason I couldn't job the title back to Triple-H was because I couldn't in good conscience give a title shot to Mick Foley at Wrestlemania when he hasn't wrestled a match in three years. It would be the perfect way to use Triple-H though, as the feud already has instant heat and believable animosity. If Trips were a good man, he'd put Foley over in a fluke win and make everyone mark out. Hell, you could even make this match a streetfight if you wanted. It would be quite a sight to see.

Steve Austin vs. Chris Jericho
There's no way in good conscience I could make this Wrestlemania card without a payoff to my FAVORITE feud of 2003. If they don't have a payoff, which I'm guessing they probably won't in reality, it will be sad times indeed. Jericho needs, nay DESERVES, a big win at Wrestlemania. After jobbing to Triple-H and Shawn Michaels the past two years, Jericho needs this win to finally put him back in the main event (or put him there in the first place, depending on how you look at it). Obviously the match would be an easy setup, and I believe Jericho could carry the rusty Austin to something good. Yes, this would be a great match for the card.

Eddie Guerrero vs. Kurt Angle
Every Wrestlemania needs at least one match that's more about great straight-up wrestling, a smark's wetdream if you will. This will be that match. As far as I can remember, Kurt and Eddie have never had a singles match against each other. Sure, they may have tangled in a few tag matches during the era of the Smackdown Six, but the potential of a great one on one feud between Angle and Eddie has not yet been tapped. So face vs. face, you might be thinking? Nope, absolutely not. While Eddie can play both heel and face perfectly, Angle to me sucks as a face. His super dorky American gimmick is not going to draw a dime as a babyface, because it's a role specifically designed for a heel. Let Angle play to his strengths and be the heel here. Even as faces, both of them are cocky, so let them argue about who's the bigger star in the WWE until eventually Angle goes nuts and tries to destroy Eddie. Can anyone honestly tell me they wouldn't want to see Kurt and Eddie just let loose for like a half an hour? There ya go.

Ric Flair vs. Randy Orton
A lot of people I've been hearing say that Foley should be fighting Orton, because it would be great for Orton. Well that may be so, but I look at it as a huge step down for Foley himself, who has enough face power to take on Triple-H himself. So which "legend" should Orton try to kill at Wrestlemania? Why, look no further that Ric Flair himself. And why not? The only thing holding this feud back is the fact that they're both in Evolution. All that would need to happen is for Flair to start making offhand remarks about how he's the biggest legend on RAW, which would intrigue Orton and eventually cause Orton to attack Flair, turning him face, whether permanently or temporarily. Bingo bango, it's Orton's biggest match to date, and Flair will then have someone to fight with a more youthful athleticism than the retired Ricky Streamboat.

Intercontinental Championship: Rob Van Dam (c) vs. Matt Hardy (Ladder Match)
What better a place for Matt Hardy to win his first major title than at Wrestlemania? Assuming that Foley somehow prevents Orton from getting the title this Sunday, or possibly makes him drop it back to RVD, I'm going to make the highly unlikely assumption that RVD will hold onto the title until March. Ha! Like that's going to happen. Think about it though. Matt Hardy, one of the best untapped mat workers in the WWE, against the high-flying and flashy RVD. Rey-Rey and Hardy pulled out a Match of the Year Candidate before, so why not RVD and Hardy? Just to be fun, you could make it a ladder match. Yes, I know there's already a HIAC match on the card, but everyone loves a ladder match.

Tag Team Championship Unification Match: The World's Greatest Tag Team (c) vs. Test & Scott Steiner (c)
Yes, I realize that I said I wanted to avoid unifying the world titles, but the tag titles could be another story. To be frank, neither RAW nor Smackdown! has what I would call a great tag division. However, combine both brands under one title and you open up a whole new set of options. I'll let TWGTT be the faces in this match, because I believe they could believably turn face between now and Wrestlemania, I'm just not sure how. I believe Test & Steiner work as a tag team. Steiner makes up for Test's deficiency on the mic, and Test makes up for Steiner's limited movement in the ring. They can generate heat, so... give them the RAW tag titles. Plus, while neither Steiner nor Test are "great" in the ring, they're just good enough to work a quality match against Haas and Benjamin.

United States Championship: John Cena (c) vs. Edge vs. Big Show
I'll be honest. I stuck these three guys together because I honestly didn't know where else to put them on the card. If booked right, it could make all three men look strong for their obligatory Wrestlemania appearance. Still, these are three big name players, and a match like this could really put over the US Title. Even though I'd predict that both Cena and Edge will still be faces by the big event, there are a couple of potential feuds that could arise out of this match, like Edge vs. Cena, or Edge vs. Show. I'd probably end the match with Cena getting the pin on Show, because neither Edge nor Cena would really benefit from taking a loss here.

Cruiserweight Championship: Paul London vs. Rey Mysterio (c)
I felt the need to round out the card with a cruiserweight match, even though I really had no room for it. I thought about having a cruiserweight battle royal, but that would defeat the purpose of having a cruiserweight match on the card at all, because it would lack all the flash boom bang of a real cruiserweight match. So I put my hand into a hat and pulled out two talented cruiserweights to keep the crowd entertained for a while.


So that's the card. In case you were going to count, that's 11 matches. That's kinda pushing it, but this will be at least a four hour show, and there have been Wrestlemanias with 11 matches before. I really tried to squeeze everyone I wanted onto the card, but alas, poor Christian. Well, by Wrestlemania 21 perhaps he'll be in the main event. Yeah, not likely but still, a man can dream. Other than that, I like my card, and I would definitely pay money to see those matches. Of course, is that the card we're going to see? Of course not. Aside from the fact that my card involves doing one face turn and two heel turns to make everything fit together, Vince really doesn't know what the fans want anymore. We'd be lucky to see a cruiserweight match at all, although my idea of what makes a good card is not everyone else's idea of what makes a good card. The one thing I really tried to do was to not rehash old and tired feuds. I believe that matches where people have fought each other too many times already will not draw any money at Wrestlemania.


There's no Triple-H section this week. I am... er, I mean Hunter is pretty busy today, so I'll catch up with him next week.

Final Thought

You know, Cena's rap make so much more sense when he's the face and his opponent is the heel. It was pretty silly to watch the crowd act like Rikishi was actually a better rapper than John Cena. Though Big Show I think surprisingly has better skills than Cena's other opponents so far, including Angle. Watching Show dress up like a gangsta also brought back fond memories of 2000 when Show was really getting mad babyface pops for dressing up like other wrestlers: Showkishi, the Big Showboski, the Showfather, Shownan the Barbarian. That was the greatest gimmick ever. Ah... but I'm just rambling. Take care, and until next week.

-Snapple

Come on. I know you have thoughts on the Mania card or something else. Email me some feedback. happydude5000@msn.com

Questions for Triple-H should include the phrase "Ask Triple-H" in the subject header.

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