The Rant of the Week: If I could be serious for a moment...
Submitted by Phantom Lord on Saturday, December 13, 2003 at 3:38 PM EST



Greetings conversationalist’s all across the fruited plain, it is I your personal Harvester of Sorrow Phantom Lord and this is my Rant of the Week. I really don’t know where to start this week. I just read the worst possible news any fan of Hard Rock and Metal will ever want to read. Earlier this week, Ozzy Osbourne was injured in an ATV crash on his estate in England. While he is improving, I just read that the Doctor’s don’t know if he will be able to ever sing again. Here is a guy who has recorded some of the most memorable songs in history and now he might be silenced. To say that would fucking suck is an understatement. I watched The Osbourne Family Christmas special last night and I have to say Ozzy looked good for the first time in a long time. Now that he is off all of those meds, his speech is no longer slurred and he sounds as normal as he ever will. Of course that was taped before the accident so the last song Ozzy recorded was “Sleigh Bell’s ringing” with Jessica Simpson. Like I said, I’m almost at a loss for words…but you know me I shall plunge straight ahead into the most hard hitting column on the wrestling internet today. With all that in mind, ON TO THE RANT.

Earlier this week a Florida Appeals Court granted a new trial to convicted murderer Lionel Tate. Lionel Tate brutally murdered a six year old girl and his lawyer said his client was imitating moves he saw on tv during a wrestling show. Firs off for anyone who even paid attention to the case, you know that is bullshit since his lawyer didn’t introduce the wrestling defense until a month into the case. But as we remember, critics of the WWF used this case to bolster their point that is was leading the youth of the nation down an immoral path. In the end the jury saw right through the defense to what really happened. A 170 Pound 12 year old boy beat to death a much smaller six year old girl. He was rightfully sentenced to life in prison because by all accounts this death was as cold blooded as it gets. But now the appeal’s court says he must get a new trial because he was never given a competency hearing. In laymen’s terms the court didn’t rule that this kid is a moron and therefore he deserves a new trial. In the end he will most likely get sentenced to time served or probation given his mental state. The last hope for the memory of the girl that he killed is the Supreme Court overrules the Florida Appeals Court and Lionel Tate rots in jail for the rest of his life. Stupidity is no excuse to brutally kill someone.

I fear that his lawyer’s will once again use the wrestling defense and given the fact that this kid is dumb, a jury will believe that he didn’t realize that slamming that girls head into a pipe much like how wrestler’s slam other wrestlers into the turnbuckle would kill her. Of course him picking her up and throwing her to the floor didn’t help matters much either. But it begs the question. Will Wrestling become a focus of negative attention once again? All it will take is one parent’s group and some old 1999 footage of the WWF and them doing the cable news circuit and BOOM what originally was a brutal murder will be spinned into a cause against the dangers of wrestling. It’s sad, but that’s the way the system works. In the end the innocent receive no justice and the few who have power blame those not responsible.

Now don’t get me wrong, Vince can be blamed for a lot. But his product responsible for a murder? Not bloody likely. I will hand it to Vince though. Just when I think I have him figured out he goes and does something good. The Christmas Eve edition of Smackdown will taped in front of the troops in Iraq as part of a USO show. That’s a pretty ballsy move, but it’s one worth it. Even though the media portrays Iraq as this uncontrollable hell hole, by all accounts most of the country is stable. For all the troops have done over there, they deserve a treat like this. This even will sort of be like when Bob Hope went into the jungles of Vietnam with the Playboy Bunnies and did a full show in the Warzone. If Bob was alive and healthy, you better believe he would have probably hosted Smackdown.

Bob: How about this weather here? It’s so hot that the A-Train has started to molt.

Crowd laughs as Bob takes a swing with his golf club

Bob: Seriously folks, we enjoy the work your doing and now for a reminder of what your fighting for…please welcome the WWE Divas.

Crowd erupts as Sable, Torrie, and Dawn Marie prance around in Bikini’s

Sorry about that folks. I’m just one of those people who have to do an impression of someone when I reference them. But you see my point. It’s going to be a real treat for the men and women there. Now if I read everything right and they are indeed “performing” in front of the troops, I have the perfect main event.

John Cena vs. The Big Show for the United States Title

Cena and The Big Show had a damn funny bit last night with their battle rap. I’m still laughing from the “You’re a white girl and I’m Kobe Bryant” line The Big Show threw at Cena. But this one has been building and I figure if you want to get Cena over like no one has ever been over, what better way to do it then him winning the United States Championship in front of the troops. If that doesn’t get him to the proverbial next level then nothing will.

Of course a lot can happen between now and then, so it’s safe to say that anything we see on that night will be booked on the fly like you would not believe. But it’s not booking on the fly is a bad thing. I mean most of RAW is and…well now that I think about it (And I have since I got about 12 hours sleep last night) I’m not going to criticize this show in any shape or form. It’s a show for the troops and this is the only time I will probably say this for a while…Kudo’s to you Vince.

Moving along, this week on NWA-TNA they picked up the fumble from the whole Hogan fiasco and managed to gain some yards as the whole “Your either with me or Against me” angle is picking up. Contrary to what others will say, NWA-TNA is a lot better then people give it credit for. I’ve said it before and I shall say it again. It has the best blend of Sports Entertainment and In Ring Action of anyone. Granted they have been slow to pull the trigger on a lot of stuff, but with that aside they still deliver week after week. I really like where the direction of the company is going right now and the fact that Hogan isn’t coming makes things even better. But getting back to this new angle they have started. It picks up on the whole Tradition vs. Future that has been the core of NWA-TNA since Vince Russo started the S.E.X. Faction. Basically it’s the heel’s vs. face’s here but it’s still the same principal. Rowdy Roddy Piper came back with Bagpipers in tow as he flew the flag of Tradition. D-Lo Brown also came back with Piper and in the main event Brown with A.J. Styles took on Jeff Jarrett and Kid Kash. Overall it was a good match as Styles continues to prove himself worthy of being the top contender for the NWA World Heavyweight Championship.

The Best match of the night with out a doubt was Christopher Daniels vs. Michael Shane. Daniels continues to prove why he is one of if not the best wrestler on the Indy Circuit today. During this match he went head first into the ring steps and he ended up getting busted open the hard way and he honestly looked like he got shot. Despite the goryness of the bleeding, he still managed to pull a great match out of THE SHOWSTOPPA’S…cousin. Daniels also gave us male fans a nice treat as he grabbed Traci by her pants causing them to rip. God I love the accidental thong shots. But overall, Daniels had a great match with him and it’s only a matter of time before The Fallen Angel adds the X Division title belt to his Gospel.

On the PPV front, Armageddon is on this weekend and I don’t know about you, but I could really care less about it. For starters I don’t think the WWE has given anyone a real reason to order this ppv. The main event has the word train wreck all over it. Aside from the fact that Triple H is now legally a McMahon, can anyone think of a reason why he is in this World Title match? He hasn’t been on RAW for the last two weeks because he has to prove if The Rock can be a movie star then so can he. Triple H should have just told everyone “I’m gonna take six months off like Hogan used to…see you at Wrestlemania”. But no, he has to put himself into a match that has been centered around Goldberg and Kane. I hope Goldberg retains at the ppv setting up a cage match or something at the Royal Rumble with Kane. By then The Undertaker should be back to seek his revenge on Kane and everything will write it self till Wrestlemania. Orton will win the Intercontinental title since he’s Triple H’s boy. The rest of the show looks like someone threw darts at random pieces of paper to book.

Speaking of Wrestlemania, it looks like after we on the Internet had a collective wet dream about Flair vs. Steamboat it probably won’t happen. Vince, all I’m going to say to you is you better make it happen. You have done a lot to us the loyal wrestling fans over the last few years. All we ask is that you throw us a freaking bone. It’s like I said, for $50 for a ppv you better make it worth ordering. Right now the thought of it being used to build new stars is not something that makes me say it’s worth the money. Why do I say that? Because with the exception of John Cena on Smackdown there are no other stars to be built. I read that The Rock doesn’t want to fight Cena. If that’s the best match they can come up with for him, then as Head Booker I’d tell The Rock “Not only are you fighting him, your putting him over…other wise I’m not promoting any more of your movies. See how much press you’ll get if we don’t run those freaking trailers during RAW and Smackdown”. I think The Rock believes the hype Hollywood is giving him. You know who The Rock reminds me of? Dolph Lundgren. The Rock is going to be on the same path as him in no time. He makes a few good movies here and there, but in the end he ends up making good movies that go straight to video. Rocky, stop believing your hype and just wrestle Cena. The mic battle alone will make it worth watching.

Well I think that’s it for this week. Once again I want to wish Ozzy Osbourne a fast and speedy recovery. I can’t think of a world with out Ozzy on stage screaming ”SHOW ME YOUR FUCKING HANDS” while he hypes up the crowd for Ironman.

I plan on having a special treat for my readers for my Year End Rant as I will give my predictions for 2004. Will Chris Benoit finally win the World Title? How many current WWE Wrestlers will be in NWA-TNA before next summer? Will Howard Dean lose the next election worse then Walter Mondale in 84? You’ll have to wait for the year end rant.

Until next time, take care. And remember someone has to tell you this information so it might as well be me.

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