A Dumass Thought - A column..A book review..And insight. All this and stuffing too!
    Submitted by Dumass on Tuesday, November 25, 2003 at 4:49 AM EST

    Well....Well...Well....

    It is I, your wrestling related God, Dum "The Pilgrams may have sailed for months and landed on Plymoth Rock, but I rode your girlfriend like gravy train for 5 minutes and she landed right on my cock" Ass.

    It's a Thanksgiving week and this is A Dumass Thought, here on LOP.

    We will get to some fun and good times, hell, even a book review, in a minute, but first.......random thoughts.


    RANDOM THOUGHTS!!!
    -------

    1) Well, it's winter. It's been it for a couple of weeks now, but you wouldn't know it here in California since it's seems to always be 85-90 degrees. But we finally
    were filled with the 'Big Chill' and the temperature has dropped to the 30s-40s.

    I know, I know; it may not seem so bad, but it is to us.

    2)Thursday is Thanksgiving, or, as my family likes to call it, "Why are you still in school when you should be out working and making a living and your dumb wrestling isn't going to put food on the table no matter how good your fed is and why are you living with queers when you know that is against everything we taught you and these mashed potatoes aren't mashed enough" Day. I hope I can get by this week. If I do, I can go back to just chilling until next week when school picks up again. Damn school.

    3)Someone sent me an email (a guy named poo head) and this is what it said,

    Hello, I am a fan of your LOP wrestling column and also a fan of "The Best Page in the Universe" . I have noticed that the two of you write very similarly and have the same type of humor. I also noticed that you entitled your latest column "I'm so cool. If I wasn't me, I'd wish I was" and the author of the Best Page in the Universe also wrote that in one article of his. I know I'm probably wrong, but are you in fact Maddox from the Best Page in the Universe?

    Before I continue, I would like to thank 'poo head' for writing me.

    Now, there is two things I will clear up here.

    a) Unfortunatly, I am not the great and all mighty Maddox from, which is easy to believe, "The Best Page In The Universe". Though he is a very good writer and keeps a very good site (and I am a huge fan of his works), I am not him. Sorry to shatter your hopes and/or dreams.

    b) I look at my column and I just don't see how we would use the same style of writing. Sure, I guess we do have "the same type of humor", but that's all. Everything here is just me projecting crap at a wall and seeing what sticks.

    That's why I'm becoming pretty popular with some of the wrestling readers from LOP and other places; because I seem to just be me and write about crap that is entertaining to some extent. That's how most columns on the internet are. We cannot all be Keiths, Meltzers, and Titos. We write what we know and that's that. If people hate us or love us, then we've done our jobs.

    I just wanted to rant a bit on this because of something that came up in the LOPFourms and this subject was brought up. So, for anyone who is writing a column, stick with what you know. Guarenteed someone will agree and disagree and you'll become a new Keith (I hope not) or Meltzer.

    4) I wasn't touched by Micheal Jackson, but he did tell me to strip and dance like a little girl once.

    Listen to Thriller backwards. You'll hear what I mean.

    ----

    Book Review: WrestleCrap! The Very Worst In Pro Wrestling.

    -----------

    R.D. Reynolds. When you hear the name of that man, it strikes fear and hatred into the eyes and ears of those poor wrestling souls that dare to be different and run with a gimmick or idea so stupid, it couldn't possibly get any worse...UNTIL A NEW ONE COMES ALONG!!!

    Neat intro, eh?

    The book, WrestleCrap, was written by R.D. Reynolds. R.D., most of you probably know, is the owner and operator of the wrestling parody/reality site known as WrestleCrap.com.The site, for lack of better words, is a complete gathering of all things in wrestling that have been labled with the following adjectives:

    Horrible
    Disgusting
    Rancid
    Stupid
    Moronic
    Jaw-Dropping
    Crazy
    Absurd
    Insane
    Lewid
    Fucked Up
    What the Fuck
    Shitty
    Dumb
    Retarded
    Awful etc...etc....

    Because of this site, people are starting to come into touch with their fond memories of the great Barry Windham and Brain Pillman donning the absurdly moronic moinker of 'Yellow Dog', The Rock and Sock connection taking on Val Venis and Davey Boy Smith in a 'Dog Shit Match', and, of course, the one....the only.....THE SHOCKMASTER!!! Yes, all of these wonderful memories and much much more. It is a terrificly historical site (since this crap did happen in the past) and it does mean well when they throw the rememberings of Mike Awesome being a jobber for WCW known as The Pro.

    The foreword is by John Tenta (who you all know as Earthquake, the Shark, and Golga of 'The Oddities' fame), who really sets alot of the serious tone in the book. Yes, the book does get serious at times, in between all the funnies and 'hahas', but it has to because it needs to show that, while these all are really stupid ideas now, they were serious ideas at the time they were contrived.

    Well, with the book, I was excited to read it. I loved the site, I loved wrestling, I loved novelty. What could possibly go wrong. Then it happened. The one thing that went wrong. I had to go to school or I had to do something around the apartment. The thing that went wrong? I had to put it down!

    I didn't want to leave this thing for a second. I was done with half the book in record time of 4 hours (give or take half an hour for shit done around the apartment). I was overwhelmed with history and facts and everything I could want to know about the things that made me wonder whether the writers of the WWF or the WCW were on the best weed in the universe to come up with the shit that they did or if they were really that stupid to say yes to things like the Black Scorpion (a ghostly figure who would be cloaked in black and do EVIL~! magic tricks).

    As for the read, possibly the easiest read in my life. It is written like there wasn't a professional doing this; it was a fan of wrestling. It was easy to read like a post in a message board only reserved to really long posts and perfect spelling. It was a fun read because of the simplicity of the book and the subject matter at hand, and at 245 pages, it was done in a matter of hours.

    Material and facts were dead-on-balls accurate and the histories listed in it were a learning experience in
    themselves (even for me!).

    Recap:

    The Good: Everything in it was correct. The material was flawless and the reading ability made it fast-paced
    and interesting.

    The Bad: It may come off as too opinionated to some because he does throw some sarcastic tones all over. Also,
    because of the way it is written, it maybe feel like writing off a message board. The ending is a little preachy (also when he talks of WCW downfall), but can be tolarated.

    The Ugly: If there was ugly in this book, it may have been the picture where it looks like Repo Man has a bulge the size of Rhode Island.

    Rating: A, ****....whatever you want to use.

    Final comments: Go and get this book. It will make you appreciate a lot of the stuff you see on TV and may
    humble some of the hardcore marks and smarks alike.

    Ah shit, I stepped in WrestleCrap! And it feels great!

    -----------

    The Season Comes Only Once A Year.....

    ------------

    Here on this week's column, during a week where we are supposed to be thankful for everything we've done and have, I have often wondered what the wrestlers of the WWE and NWA-TNA are thankful about this year.

    Now, because I need to fill out this column, I will show you the responses that the certain wrestlers of these wrestling companies are thankful for.
    ----------------------------

    Wrestlers,

    What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving and Holiday season?
    ---------------------

    Tommy Dreamer: I'm thankful that these checks aren't made out of rubber paper like Paul's.


    Raven: I'm thankful because I don't have to act like a depressed freak to get over anymore......oh wait.


    Christian: I'm thankful that I finally am freed of that Edge guy. All he did was hold me back. What's that Vince? Sure I'll job to Jerry Lawler!


    Steve Austin: I'm thankful for having a solid career, and working body, and a beautiful wife who loves me and won't leave me for a second. I'm also thankful for these pills that I can put in my beer to help me distort reality.


    D-Lo Brown: I thankful for still having a job and still wrestling, even if I am African-American. Excuse me, I have to go and try on these worker rags and this chain. Russo has a idea for a character from Roots!


    Kevin Nash: I'm thankful for having that doctor from Cuba say that I can still wrestle again. I know that is what the fans truly want.


    Edge: I'm thankful I don't have an Internet connection at my house.


    Shawn Micheals: I'm thankful to God for showing me his saving graces. I'm also thankful that he still allows me to show off my butt for money on a sleazy wrestling show if I sacrifice a lamb every week.


    Chris Jericho: I'm thankful that my wife believe's this angle with Trish is just "acting".


    Kurt Angle: What do I have to be thankful for. I'm a freaking Gold Medalist. I break my neck all the time. Edge should stop his bitching and just come back all ready. It's not that hard...


    Hulk Hogan: I'm thankful for one last shot for the title, brother.

    --------
    "Hey, baldie! Where's my fries?!"

    "Coming up, brother."

    "Stop doing that! It's so 1993!"

    "Yes sir.........brother. Ah! Damnit!"
    ---------


    Ric Flair: I'm thankful that they found the cure for a stroke.

    Advil! Whoooooooo!


    Randy Orton: I'm thankful that there are other ways to get a push other then being Patterson's pet project.


    Jamie Noble: I'm thankful that I'm being able to push back steryotypes of white people back 20 years.


    Nidia: I'm thankful that dumb white people believe I'm from a trailor park.


    Vince Russo: I'm thankful for...ah fuck; I'm not thankful for anything. Those God damn smarks still think I'm Satan.


    Jerry Lawler: I'm thankful that guys like Michael Jackson and R. Kelly take the heat off of me. Now if you'll excuse me, there's a junior high school and I've been looking for a new wife.


    The Rock: The Rock is thankful that the Rock doesn't have to speak in the third person anymore.


    Chris Daniels: I would be thankful if I wasn't still doing indy shows. Oh come on, TNA is an indy fed, and you know it.


    A.J. Styles: I'm thankful that Sting got Luger to drugged up that he put me over like I was Dusty in 87.


    Jim Ross: I'm thankful no one has made fun of my melting face this year.

    ---------
    Fan: HEY, JR!!! YOU'RE FACE IS MELTING!!

    J.R.: OH MY GAWD!! OH MY GAWD!!!
    ---------


    Triple H: The Game-ah is thankful-ah that I didn't-ah sign a pre-nup-ah.


    Mick Foley: I'm thankful that my first two books still make money.


    Matt Hardy: I'm thankful that I can finally continue on with no one holding me down.

    Jeff Hardy: I'm thankful because my brother will help me out.

    --------
    Matt: The hell I will.

    Jeff: Oh come on Matt! I didn't think Vince was serious when he fired me!
    ------


    Johnthan Coachman: I'm thankful I don't have to have the Rock yell in my ear about pie anymore.


    Dusty Rhodes: I'm a thankful fo ignorant fans who still think this silly old man is deserving of a World Heavyweight Title shot; if you wheeeeeelllll!


    Rob Van Dam: I still have a job? Sweet!


    Jeff Jarret: I'm thankful that, even if I had to write myself into the role, I'm the Chosen One and Heavyweight Champion of the World! Now, if only I had a title that people gave a damn about.....


    Bret Hart: What the fuck am I supposed to be thankful for?


    Brock Lesner: I'm thankful for not being called 'Goldberg 2' anymore.


    Lex Luger: I'm thankful that I was fined only for substance abuse.


    Scott Hall: I'bml thankful for a legals system that gives hassbeens like me another chances. Yo Barkeep...I need a refill mang. Keep 'em coming, chico. Yo yo yo....everyone in the bar! It's survey time!


    Goldberg: I'm thankful that people will forgive me for Bret Hart when I do that to Triple H.


    Ultimate Warrior: FOR THE WARRIOR THAT IS ULIMATE HE IS THANKFUL FOR THE KITCHENS OF SOUP THAT THE GODS HAVE ORTANINED IN DESCTRICTY TO REMAIN OPEN ON THE DATE THAT IS THE BIRTH OF THE LORD OF TURKEYS!!!!!!1!~!!~!1111!!


    Linda McMahon: ......That's a good question.


    Shane McMahon: I'm thankful that I'll be remembered this holiday and spend it with my family. Not like last year when everyone locked me outside the house and threw my food to the dogs while I ate table scraps and pissed on the doorsteps.


    Stephinie McMahon: I'm thankful that my daddy is the best daddy in the world. Also, I'm thankful that the new breasts that daddy bought me make him happy. I like making people happy.....like my daddy.


    Vince McMahon: We're still business, right? Oh thank God.

    ------------------------

    Well, that's the November holidays in the wide world of wrestling for you.

    Thanks goes to Phantom Lord for help with some of the 'thankings'.

    I'll be back next week for more hijinx in the open gravy bowls known as the internet wrestling.


    Until next time.

    Happy Thanksgiving and Eat a Bag of Hell,

    Dumass


    Lethal Wrestling - Remember last year when you ate the pumpkin pie without asking? Well, these are the guys who will kill you if you do it again.




    *NEW GALLERY* Hot RETRO Photos: WCW's Sexy NITRO GIRLS! Wow!

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