WWE Confidential Recap (11.22.03)
Submitted by Peter Kostka on Monday, November 24, 2003 at 4:14 PM EST



First off, let me wish everyone (well, Americans anyway) reading this a Happy Thanksgiving.

This week: Goldberg appears at the premiere of his movie, not one, but TWO segments starring John Cena, and From the Vault gives us a classic Flair match.

Mean WHOO Gene is your host with the most, as always.

Goldberg Goes Looney

Goldberg has a bit part in the new movie, Looney Tunes: Back in Action, which boasts the acting prowess of Hollywood heavyweights such as Brendan Frasier, Jenna Elfman, and Yosemite Sam. Goldberg plays “Mr. Smith”, bodyguard for the evil chairman of the ACME Corporation (Steve Martin). His character is supposed to be stoic, but it was hard not to laugh while Steve Martin does his thing. Elfman (who may be one of the most annoying people ever; just watch an episode of Darhma and Greg, one of the worst sitcoms ever, to see what I mean), can’t decide if Goldberg is a “sweetheart” or “a strapping tough guy.” Brendan Frasier recalls in one scene getting a sore hand from punching Goldberg take after take. Goldberg notes that it is fun to “branch out” and do different things, such as movies, especially one with the Looney Tunes, which made him laugh as a kid and still do as an adult. This may be a kid’s movie, but fear not, for in his next movie “I might be killing 15-20 guys.” That’s nice to know.

When talking about Martin, Goldberg attempted a laugh with the success of Rex Banner, so that deserves a half point. .5/1

- Commercials -

Lugs Boot of the Week: John Cena uses the steps to beat the Big Show on Smackdown.

Feel the Cena

Stacker 2 wanted to make some YJ Stinger ads that would appeal to the “MTV crowd”, so they got John Cena. They asked him for a few different raps, so Cena flexed his creative muscles and wrote one rap for each of the three flavors of YJ Stinger, and another 60 second rap that dealt with all three. On the set, the first thing Cena noticed was that everyone was wearing large blue booties, which reminded him of the scene in Willy Wonka where Mike TeeVee got zapped into TV land. The director, Doug Lebow, talks about Cena, but embarrasses white people everywhere by trying to act “street”. Seriously, that made Vanilla Ice roll his eyes and say “Damn, that sucked.” Fortunately, Cena is there to verbally slap him in the head. We see some bloopers of Cena screwing up to wrap up the segment.

Really, what the hell was Doug thinking when he did that? 1/2

- Commercials – With two of the Cena ads included.

Outside the Ropes: Sable

Once again, Josh Matthews is your host.

1. Is it really true that blondes have more fun?

Yes they do. I won’t say why, but they do.

2. Do you think Britney and Madonna stole their liplock from you and Torrie?

I can’t say, but there might be another in the future for Torrie.

3. Is the Sable Bomb still explosive?

It is.

4. What has more under the hood, a Mercury Sable, or a WWE Sable?

*Looks at chest* I think I do, Josh.

5. Burlap sacks: fashion of the past or future?

Well, I started the trend a while back, so I would say the past.

6. When you go down…..to Cancun for a photo shoot, how many bikinis do you bring?

As many as possible, since you never know what the situation may call for and what mood you are in.

7. Why do women love thongs so much?

Because they’re sexy, and they just feel good.

8. There is a show on NBC called Average Joe, where a hot girl has to choose from a bunch of normal guys. My question: would it be possible to be interested in a dorky guy?

*While flirting with Josh* Well, after a while, there has to be something other than looks for a relationship to work, so dorky guys aren’t bad.

9. It’s bedtime, do you wear lingerie, or go au naturale?

Lets just say that when I go to bed, there is nothing on but the radio.

10. Could you do your best Playboy pose for us?

Stay tuned.

Wow, Josh actually made me laugh for once; he played off Sable pretty well. This may be a first folks; a Josh Matthews Outside the Ropes segment gets a FULL POINT!! 2/3

- Commercials –

Mark Cuban Gets Even MORE Attention

Since Survivor Series was held at the home of the Dallas Mavericks, Undertaker appeared before a game and gave owner Mark Cuban a WWE title belt. Cuban reciprocated with a jersey with “Deadman” on the back. Cuban could see himself as a wrestler, but he would do it his way and “if Vince didn’t like it, he could kiss my ass.” We get the segment from SurSer where Cuban punks out Bischoff and gets RKOed by Orton.

Bleh, Cuban is such an attention whore. Talk when you get past the second round for once. 2/4

- Commercials –

Gene plugs the Flair DVD (yeah, like it needs it) before tossing to the next segment.

From the Vault: MICK~!

Foley’s pick is from Clash of the Champions 9 in Troy, NY.

Ric Flair vs. Terry Funk (I Quit match)

Flair starts things by chopping Funk over the top, and keeping the chops coming when Funk steps back in. Funk bails, but Flair follows and chops some more. *CLIP* to Funk in control and hitting a piledriver, but Flair won’t quit. Funk drops a leg and talks trash with the house mic before tossing Flair and hitting another piledriver on the floor as JR goes into his patented hyperbole. Damn, did Jim Ross sound completely different in 1989 or what? Flair still won’t quit, so Funk grabs the mic and bops him with it before rolling him back in. Funk clubs the back before tossing Flair back out and slamming him on the announce table. Funk grabs it and leans it on the rail, but Flair fights back and slams Funk’s head into it, setting it back up, and sliding Funk across it headfirst onto a steel chair. Flair atomic drops the Funkettes on the rail and chops him down. Back in, Flair drops a knee and hits an inverted atomic drop, and WHOO, IT’S TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL!! Funk tries to escape, but Flair just jumps on his back and hits a shinbuster, following up with a suplex from the apron into the ring. He goes for the figure four, but Funk pokes the eyes to escape. Funk tries a slingshot suplex, but Flair lands on the apron and suplexes Funk from the ring ONTO the apron. Back in, Flair lets more chops fly, and slaps on the Figure four. Funk yells “NEVER!!” as he screams in pain, but Flair just keeps the pressure on and Funk finally says “Yes, I quit!” Flair celebrates as Funk’s manager yells at his man.

I’m sorry, but I thought this match just seemed kind of slow, and the fact they couldn’t decide whether to stay in the ring or go to the outside kind of annoyed me. 2.5/5

WWE Rewind: Goldberg gets beat up 3 on 1 by Evolution and HHH makes a World Title match for next week.

The Inaugural Coverboy

To keep the illusion of the brand split alive, WWE Magazine was renamed SmackDown Magazine. The first coverboy is, who else, John Cena. For the shoot, they went to the biggest hip-hop apparel store in Connecticut, Jimmy’s Hip Hop Shop. Cena goes through a bunch of poses, pretty much just doing what he wants. The photographer has a large silver belt buckle that he got in Mexico for $25 in order to fit in with the WWE. Sure. Cena pimps Converse, but calls for more Pumps on E-Bay (not the woman’s shoe, the old sneakers that you could fill with air to get more bounce). Cena and the photographer compare muscles to close out the segment. 3/6

Gene wishes us a happy Thanksgiving (beat you to it, Gene) to wrap things up.

Next week: Nothing announced, but since it’s a holiday, I’d put good money on a repeat.

Until next week, Send me feedback and read my archives at TSM (at LOP, just go to the Confidential archives).








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