Stuck in the Middle With You - Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting
Submitted by Da J-Train on Saturday, November 22, 2003 at 1:03 AM EST
Every time you think I’m not coming back, I takes your brains and fuck them up by coming back! Actually, you all pretty much know I am required to do a column once every two weeks, so I guess my recent column is not that much of a mindfuck. Anyway, welcome back to my column, where potato chips are free and pants are off. I am your fun host, Da J-Train, and this is... what... like my seventh column?? That is cause for some celebration. Hooray!
Anyway, what’s on tap for this column? I will be going the music route, like I did in my last column, but I am sorry all you punks and skins out there, I will be leaving my Dropkick Murphys and Bouncing Souls roots behind for a much... different... artist. However, I will be tying it in to a growing trend that I have been noticing lately. What else? Some randomocity and hostilitocity... and I just made up two words.
BUT FIRST...
Letters! I get Letters! I get sacks and sacks of Letters! LETTERS!!! That's right; it's time to answer some of my Love, Hate, Kind-Of-Care-For, and I-Only-Like-You-as-A-Friend-Mail… I wonder how long Santa Claus’s Feedback Section would be. Anyway, here we go:
Feedback O Rama
Well, to be completely honest with you, I really didn’t receive any feedback that was useful for this part of the column. Pretty much, all of the feedback I got was too long or was Playstation 2 advice, and that’s fine!
So, in this section, allow me to thank everyone who gave me suggestions for fixing my playstation 2. Apparently, there was more wrong with it than I had originally thought, and needless to say, that baby is dead. Thank you all for your generous suggestions. Many of them were very helpful.
I just want to take this opportunity to thank anyone who has given me feedback in the past... positive or negative. No matter the nature of the feedback, it shows me that not only you read my column, but it had such the effect on you that you decided to take time out of your life to email a man you have never met to say either Good Job or You Suck. Thanks for reading everybody.
I also have to acknowledge those who I have somewhat abandoned. I will be the first to admit that I spend very little time in the COLUMNS FORUM anymore, and that is pretty low of me. I came from there and I should at least return the sentiment of those who read my work. All I can do is urge people to Go There and Read! There are great future columnists in that forum that deserve so much praise. People like Winter, XanMan, RickStallion, Dubzilla, Hey You, Tinaali, Pt2, Optimus Starscream, and Mehnes316 have great stuff, and even though I don’t feedback as much as I should, I have read all of their stuff and it is top notch.
However, I do have to single out 3 Writers who took the time to leave me feedback even though I did not do the same. Writer of Buddha of Wrestling: The Citizen. Writer of A Helix is Better than an Angle: Doublehelix. And finally, the writer of The Station Break: TVDog. I urge you to check out these and all of the Columns Forum’s great writers.
Click HERE to read The Citizen’s latest installment of The Buddha of Wrestling.
Click HERE to read Doublehelix’s latest installment of A Helix is Better than an Angle.
Click HERE to read TVDog’s latest installment of The Station Break
Alright, enough of this Hog Wash, it's time to get to the topic of my column:
Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting
Saturday night’s alright for fighting,
Get a little action in.” - Elton John
Yes yes, I went from quoting the inner workings of Oi Punk rockers like Dropkick Murphys and Bouncing Souls to quoting Elton John in this column. I admit, that is quite the change, but oh well. True, I love punk rock… REAL punk rock… but the fact also remains that I love all forms of rock, except 80’s hair bands… I never got into them. So, every now and then, I will throw in a rock quote or two in my column. In fact, during my Column Forum roots, I would always put in a song lyric in The Caboose. I may continue that, I don’t know. Anyway, onto it.
So, the question of the column is, what is the point of using that Elton John quote in my column? Well, I have been noticing a trend that has been actually going on for a while, and it has to do with Saturday nights. That’s right, good old WWE Velocity. Has anyone else noticed that in the last four months or so, Velocity has become a vastly improving show? Don’t get me wrong, I have always liked Velocity. It has always provided very worthy WWE wrestling. However, in recent months, I have noticed an incredible improvement in the quality of the Velocity show, and by improvement, I mean that sometimes the shows have different factors to them that make me want to watch them more than the main show, Smackdown!
How can this be? How could it be that a secondary show can possibly as desirable or even more desirable to watch than its primary? After all, they are all Smackdown wrestlers, shouldn’t logic tell us that if these wrestlers can’t even make it on the main show, then the show they are featured on should be categorically worse than the primary? Well, I am all for logic, but if you actually believe that what I wrote in the sentence before this one was true, then you are an ignorant moron. So, how is it that WWE Velocity could be on par, if not, better than an episode of WWE Smackdown? Well, to me, there are certain factors that make me want to watch WWE Velocity. No, it’s not the whole Da-J-Train-Doesn’t-Have-A-Life-So-He-Stays-Home-On-Saturday-Nights-And-Watches-Wrestling-Disorder, more along the lines of fatigue and work schedules keep me home on Saturday nights. However, there are other factors that come into play for my sudden desire to tune into Velocity if I am not doing anything else. Factors like…
Regular Wrestler Appearances
Some of my favorite, and in my opinion, some of the most exciting wrestlers in the WWE today make regular appearances on WWE Velocity. The way I see it, if I am a fan of these people, and I have the time, why not watch? Everyone who has continuously read my column know that my favorite Smackdown superstar is Kanyon. In fact, he is my favorite wrestler, tied with Chris Jericho. Kanyon is a major mainstay on WWE Velocity. Sure, I don’t like seeing him lose to the likes of Orlando Jordan, but at least I get to see him wrestle, and I am never disappointed. In fact, I am never disappointed by any of the wrestlers that I happen to be a fan of who regularly wrestle on Velocity. The Full Blooded Italians consistently put on good performances on Velocity, especially Nunzio. Spanky and Paul London should, in my eyes, and even though they have only had like three matches or so, be in the running for best Tag Team on the entire WWE roster, Raw and Heat included. They are developing so well together. Sean O’Haire is still very raw, but I still am a fan, and watch him as well. I would rather watch any of the wrestlers that I have just listed as opposed to what Smackdown is offering in A-Train, Bradshaw, Nathan Jones, and Hardcore Holly.
Fun Surprises
WWE Velocity can be a place for a surprise or two. In the event that you watch Velocity, but do not read the WWE Velocity/Smackdown spoilers when they are posted online, you may be surprised by certain Smackdown regulars appearing that do not usually appear on Velocity. For the sake of argument, let’s look at WWE Velocity since June of 2003. Since June, Velocity has hosted the likes of John Cena, Chris Benoit, Billy Gunn, Matt Hardy, The Acolytes, The World’s Greatest Tag Team, The Big Show, and Rey Mysterio have all appeared on Velocity. Also, there are wrestlers who have the potential to be on Velocity every week, but are not regulars. I call them the sporadic Velocity wrestlers. People like Rhyno, Billy Kidman, and Ultimo Dragon. Again, I am a fan of these guys and think that these guys deserve more recognition, but I should be at least thankful to watch them wrestle. To add to the surprise factor, every now and then, there are titles on Velocity. In my eyes, that’s always a bonus. In fact, again, since June, there has been 4 matches featuring title holders, and if memory serves, one match for the #1 contendership for the Cruiserweight Gold. So, in a matter of speaking, if you don’t read spoilers, Velocity, the supposed inferior secondary show, could be quite unpredictable.
The Future
At times, the WWE use their secondary shows to give tryouts to possible future WWE stars. Occasionally, the WWE will put people that they are highly interested in signing to a developmental contract on Velocity, or even better, they put current developmental wrestlers on TV to see how they react to a big crowd, but at the same time, we fans can see how they have improved or get our first taste at the future. Doug Basham, Linda Miles, Ryan Sakoda, and Rob Conway were all on Velocity last or this year, and now are full fledged WWE superstars. In the mean time, in this past year, WWE Developmental wrestlers Mike “Nova” Bucci, Johnny Jeter, Matt Cappotelli, B.J. Payne have made their WWE “debuts” on WWE Velocity. In the mean time, certain OVW wrestlers have been put on Velocity in hopes of maybe being given a developmental contract. Remember, not every wrestler in OVW is under WWE developmental contract. After all, Chris Cage and Tank Toland were OVW Southern Tag Team Champions up until a month ago, and Mark Magnus is the current OVW champion, and they were all JUST signed to developmental contract. Newcomers like Mike Taylor and Rob Begley may use their Velocity appearances to their advantage in their quest for a developmental contract. In the mean time, if they ever become the “Next Big Thing”, you can boast that you saw them before they made it big.
The Indy Factor
Occasionally, the WWE allows certain independent wrestlers to wrestle on Velocity. This is not only great exposure for the wrestler, but also, a way for that wrestler to be exposed to a crowd that may not be familiar with Indy Wrestling. Velocity has featured such Ring of Honor wrestlers as Chad Collyer, "American Dragon" Bryan Danielson, and Xavier have all been on Velocity numerous times. Granted, they rarely ever win, but exposure is the key word.
Condensed Versions
Here is one of the best parts of Velocity. Generally, there is no escaping Smackdown when you watch Velocity. They always offer recaps of segments done by major players of Smackdown. The good part of this is that they are recaps. If you don’t like Vince McMahon, his Smackdown segment is generally shortened in the Velocity recap. It seems to me, on this site, less McMahons is a good thing, so that’s a plus. In the mean time, these recaps usually only cover the best parts of Smackdown anyway, so you aren’t getting total crap.
Sure, Velocity will never be as recognized as Raw or Smackdown, but there is no denying that Velocity has truly evolved from the days of WWF Jakked or Shotgun Saturday Night. Like I said, due to a changed work schedule and stuff, I have had the opportunity to see Velocity more frequently lately, and I am rarely disappointed. So, give Velocity a chance. Oh, and WWE, if you want to allow other truly talented wrestlers to “waste away on Velocity”, send them along… I’ll appreciate them.
Random Stops Along the Way
It’s so… I don’t know… cheesy to me when the WWE tries to use legitimate visual elements in their broadcasts. For example… at Survivor Series when Kane took the headband off of The Undertaker. I don’t know about you, but that is not only symbolism, but foreshadowing as well. Nice effort WWE, but it still came off as kind of corny to me. Same with shooting dominant figures such as Goldberg or HHH from low camera angles to try to establish them in the minds of the viewer as a more dominant figure. Maybe I am reading into this too much, but it seems like we have a couple of Frederico Fellini’s on the WWE direction team. Or… maybe I am too much of a critic.
The more I think about it… doesn’t A.J. Styles look quite a bit like New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady? Then again, I have also always thought that X-Pac looks a lot like former Rage Against the Machine frontman Zac De La Rocha. Maybe I am the only one who sees this. There are tons of wrestlers who look like other famous people… for example… Jazz bears an almost uncanny resemblance to husband Rodney Mack.
Look, I know that the WWE pushed back the Tajiri/Jamie Noble match for the Survivor Series Mark Cuban segment… but it is really hard to me to dislike anything concerning Mark Cuban. I am a Cuban fan, what can I say. In fact, I was really pushing for him to come in and hit Randy Orton with a chair after the Batista run in. Well, not really, but I was pushing, no… BEGGING for Dirk Nowitzki or Steve Nash to show up and clean house.
I wonder what Kirk Cameron was doing on Survivor Series night. That doesn’t really have to do with anything… so I think I will just go right ahead to…
Free Flowing Hostility: 5 minor cultural items I am Bored With, Tired Of, and Pissed At.
1. People Who Now Spell the Word BOY as B-O-I.
Of all the idiotic tendencies that have spawned from cheeky MTV bubblegum pop acts, this has to be the worst. Not only does the spelling look retarded, but the simple fact that this whole trend was sparked by Avril Lavigne of all people makes me question the level of brain tissue in the modern American adolescent. I don’t know, maybe changing a Y to an I makes the word cooler. After all, the WWE seems to think that changing an S to a Z makes a team tougher (Dudley Boyz, Hardy Boyz). Hang on, I have an idea that is just dumb enough to work. I don’t know… maybe the Basham Brothers could get over as a cool and tough tag team at once if they were called The Basham Boiz. Please, Avril Lavigne is one of the most indecisive posers in music today. She is someone who prides herself on her independent lifestyle, yet gets upset when people call her a sell out. Face it Avril, you are nothing but a tool created by the music industry as an edgier alternative to Britney Spears. So fuck you, fuck your boIs or however you say it, and fuck anyone who actually follows your lead. They themselves are the most blind of sheep and should be taken into a field and shot in the head with a 12 gauge shotgun.
2. People who STILL Continuously Reference and Quote Austin Powers Movies.
Man, Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery came out in 1997, and yes, it took everyone by surprise with how funny and quotable the movie was. However, there comes a time in every great movie where quotes are to be used in a more sporadic fashion. Maybe a year or so after, it is acceptable to still be using a quote from a major film, especially one which had the impact of Austin Powers, but it is now 2003, and if I hear one more person around me say “Do I make you horny baby” in that stupid British accent, I will have to smack them in the head with a very hard and very flat object... like a shovel or something. People who do this ruin the films for everyone else by adding to their overexposure. Please, stop it. After all, there have been better comedies out there, and more quotable movies... but I don’t know anyone who continuously quotes them! Fuck people that overexpose movies, it pisses me off.\
3. The Overuse of Cyber Language
Ok, I don’t mind the occasional ‘lol’, ‘brb’, or ‘ttyl’... but there are way, way too many of these little codes that everyone is apparently supposed to know, but no one knows the source of. I am sick and tired of these 15 and 16 year old girls making these things up and somehow, through the happenings of a miracle, they tend to catch on. You can’t say LOL anymore, you have to say LMAO or ROFLMAO or something like that. Besides, no one who says LOL is actually laughing, so do these people think that is some rights ROFLMAO, they are rolling on the floor laughing their ass off? If you do believe that, punch yourself in the face. Now, it seems, that these people are using these acronyms in their real life. I see my sister telling her friends at the end of their PHONE conversations “143".. Whatever the hell that means. That’s just plain pathetic. So, for these cretins of life, I give you all this cyber acronym... FYAITAWABRD. That’s right... Fuck You All In The Ass With A Big Rubber Dick.
4. Mothers Who Are Overbearing in Ridiculous Situations.
Look people, I do not have kids myself, and I understand the concern a parent would have for their kids. Parents want their kids to have the best things possible. But mothers... you have to cut the umbilical cord sometime before the age of 12. I’ll give you an example of what I mean. I was getting my haircut the other day, and a mother came in with her son. The son was definitely not of age to go out and get one himself, but he was of age to know what he wants and to make a sound decision of what kind of haircut to get. He was like 10 years old or so. But, he had one of those insanely overbearing mothers who watched over the hair cutter like a hawk and continuously interrupted her work. Mothers like that piss me off. It’s mothers like that who write companies and make insane phone calls about “offensive” things in TV and movies, and just about any other medium of popular culture. People like that totally piss me off. Ladies, cut the fucking umbilical card and let the kid live a little.
5. People who use the word ‘Peeps’ to Describe their group of friends.
Yes, this is also a knock on Christian. All I have to say is that Peeps are little marshmallow candies... not friends, and if you actually have real Peeps as your Peeps... you’re psychotic.
The Caboose
Alright, it’s about time to wrap up this piece of shit, what did we learn today?
1. One man’s trash is another’s treasure. If Vince wants to trash these talented people by putting the on Velocity, it is a treasure for me.
2. Stop with the visual and literary elements WWE.
3. Hooray for Kirk Cameron
Alright guys, that’s it for this edition. Hope you liked it. If you did, great! If you didn’t, tough! Anyway, until next time, I leave you with a great bit of advice from an amazing person...
Mr. Charlie Brown: “I got a rock”.
Take care y’all.
------------------------------------------- Da J-Train ------------------------------------
merlinJAP@hotmail.com (If you email me, put FEEDBACK in the email subject or it will be deleted)
AIM: JPAW101…. Feel free to talk to me, I am friendly and give good hugs!
*NEW GALLERY* Must See Hot Shots of the TNA Knockouts CROSSING THE LINE!
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