A Dumass Thought - I ordered no Gobbley Gooker!!
    Submitted by Dumass on Tuesday, November 18, 2003 at 2:13 AM EST

    Well....Well...Well....

    It is I, your wrestling God, Dum "It's a Thanksgiving tradition, so let's all get together to meet. Would you mind passing the gravy cause it's getting rough stuffing your mom with my meat" Ass.

    Here were my Survivor Series predictions since I am completely drained of ideas this week. Damn school.

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    Raw section:

    Team Austin vs Team Bischoff.

    Match Stipulations: If Team Austin wins, then "Stone Cold" Steve Austin can attack anyone without physical provocation. If Team Bischoff wins, Austin must leave the WWE for good.


    First of all, they are calling this a "classic" Survivor Series match. What's so classic about it? Shouldn't they be filling the entire card with these matches since that was the point of the PPV in the first place? Damn the WWE for making something that is supposed to happen into something that is now "classic".

    Now, the match itself. While the teams look like crap, this could be pulled off quite well if they give the match about a half an hour and do something to impress off the bat. No surpirse run-ins or constant interferences; keep the pace of the heels owning a good portion and then the faces eliminate some of the heels and so forth; and most importantly, NO SWERVES!! Guarenteed the WWE is planning one, so I will say it now, do NOT do a swerve; all it will do is confuse the crowd. Whatever happens, it will go down with regular WWE logic and either Shawn Micheals or RVD will be the final faces against Orton, Jericho, and Henry. Elmination of Henry and RVD. Shawn takes out both men with the help of Austin and, at the end of the match, Austin celebrates and stuns Orton and/or Jericho. Bischoff comes down and complains and Stunner to Uncle Eric; the whole while J.R. will have a orgasm with Austin coming back.

    Winner: Team Austin
    -------------

    Women's Championship Match:

    Molly Holly (champ) vs Lita

    If there was a women's wrestler I do enjoy, its Molly. One; she's hot and Two; she actually has wrestling ability.

    Lita broke her neck; that's all I need to say really.

    One sided affair for most of the match with Molly owning Lita, then suddenly Lita "Litas Up"(Hogan reference) and turns bright yellow and red, ages 1200 years, and goes for the "Broken Neck Special" (AKA the 'EXTREME~!' moonsault) and wins the match. Oh boy.

    Winner: Lita
    -------------

    Ambulance Match:

    Shane McMahon vs Kane

    What could possibly be an Ambulance Match? Remember the Strecher Match with RVD and Sabu in ECW? Yea, that's pretty much the same thing only they have be thrown into an ambulance. Fun, huh? No, I didn't think so.

    All I want is Shane to sell Kane's offense well and for Kane to take another BUMP OF FIREY PERIL~! to heighten the *yawn* drama of this match. Unfortunatly, because they need to end this quickly, it will take up 20-30 minutes and nothing will be solved with the botched Chokeslam from Kane to win except for the obvious: Shane McMahon is hardcore.

    Winner: Kane
    -------------

    World Heavyweight Championship:

    Goldberg (Champion) vs. Triple H

    Ok, I'm really going to try and not use politics here. Umm.....Triple H is actually doing a good job for a change in making a match worth caring about. Ok, that didn't come out correctly. Ah screw it. Triple H is getting another huge stroke from Vince and Co. by having this match. I heard that there was going to be a new (yea right!) fued for Goldberg if he should win with the title. Notice the 'if'. That's a big problem, especially when a match so predictable like this is going to happen.

    Triple H and Goldberg will use a ton of weardown moves because they think they can actually wrestle to be entertaining. Then the shit will hit the ring when Ric Flair pops up and interferes with the match. He'll bother Goldberg and, like the champ he is, get taken out with style. While that is happening, Triple H will get a chair and Earl will take another REF KNOCKOUT OF DOOM~! like he did in '97. Triple H with the sledgehammer to Goldberg for a knockout and pin. Goldberg gets out before the count of three and spears HHH and puts him in the Jewish Squash (Jackhammer) and wins
    the match.

    That's how I'd book, but the WWE will have Triple H block the Jackhammer and have him nail the Predigree for the win. Sad? I know.

    Winner: Triple H
    -------------
    Smackdown section:


    Classic Survivor Series 5-on-5 Elimination Match:

    Team Angle vs. Team Lesnar

    I want to know what happened to Outback Jack. Oh wait, he's on Team Lesner. Where did the idea that Nathan Jones and Matt Morgan would be great to showcase at a PPV? And why is John Cena a face?! I could have swore there was a heated fued with Cena and Angle like 2 weeks ago! What the hell?! Oh God, make it stop!

    The match will be just like the Raw version. The winners will be Team Angle with Cena and Angle being the only
    "survivors".

    Winner: Team Angle
    ------------

    World Wrestling Entertainment Tag Team Championship:

    The Basham Brothers (Champions, with Shaniqua) vs. Los Guerreros

    It's Los Guerreros! Yay! They'll save this PPV.

    The match will be super awesome cool with spots everywhere because Eddy and Chavo "don't not take no shit from no one!" [/ghetto]. Then the Bashams will keep the title, but that's because Chavo needs singles help to go after the Cruiserweight title and Eddy going after the U.S. or Wold title.

    Winner: Bashams, but only because Los Guerreros let them
    ------------

    World Wrestling Entertainment Cruiserweight Championship:

    Tajiri (Champion, with Akio & Sakoda) vs. Jamie Noble

    Where's the FBI?! That's Little Guido's cousin in there, and if I know the Itailian mafia, they protect their own. This mafia thing is good if they actually go and do something with it. Bring the FBI and make another stable to have constant fights with them and the Jap. Mafia. Maybe they can be like the Black Panthers. Yea, a Black Panthers mob who uses the powers of Islam to promote fear in the hearts of the Italians and Japanese, much like A GREAT NATION!!!! WE ARE THE NATION..........OF DOMINATION!!!!! Oh God, not another 1996 gimmick!!

    Seems like a good match, as long as they keep the beats from falling behind. Jaime and Tajiri are really good when it comes to fast paced action, so I'm expecting about a **1/2 match here. In the end, I'll venture that the mafia will get involved and help Tajiri win the match. At least I'lll hopefully get to see Nidia's new boob job. God, I love Nidia.

    Winner: Tajiri
    ------------

    Buried Alive Match:

    The Undertaker vs. Vince McMahon

    Oh no. It's here.

    Expect Vince and Stephinie to pull off a 'Montreal' on this match, cementing that the whole 3-4 month fued was pointless and stupid. Undertaker will lose, duh. He might lose with style, but then again, he hasn't had any of that since he started 10 years ago.

    Vince : Happy Anniversary Undertaker, now job to me bitch!

    Stephinie: You tell him, daddy!

    Winner: Vince, because he hates Bret so much that every Survivor Series has to have a screwjob. Talk about a Thanksgiving tradition.....
    --------------------

    5 out of 9.

    Not that bad, I think.
    ---------------

    Insight This!
    ------------

    Well, I didn't watch Survivor Series, which is good; but I also missed an apparent FU to the Big Show. Oh well.

    Honestly, when did these 5-on-5 matches be considered
    'classic'? I remember when it was the whole point. Hell, it was such a mainstay that WCW ripped it off in the Slamboree 'Battle Ring' gimmick every year. That whole idea of throwing random wrestlers to tag with each other was classic. That was classic because it's gone now!I want no more of this "classic" stuff, I want the matches that are supposed to happen at the Survivor Series. I want 5-on-5 matches and I want them as predicatable as they can possibly get; why? Because that adds to the FUN of watching wrestling. The idea that 5 faces and 5 heels wrestling each other, eliminating each other, and seeing the one face be the 'sole survivor' are what the Survivor Series was and is about.

    It didn't matter if it was pre-determined or fake or whatever; the good times I had screaming for Savage, Hogan, or the Warrior to beat the never-ending odds of whomever was on the opposite team, the fun of getting together with whomever and watching your favorite wrestling teaming up, all of this before the damn PPV had title matches and (once every other year) casket matches. The fun of the Survior Series has been gone for years. The Thanksgiving tradition is now considered too 'classic' to do anymore because the hip new watchers of the WWE have to see really bad matches and be forced to pay 30-35$ to see something that is free every week.

    Oh well, at least there is one tradition will always be upheld.

    =====
    Vince: RING THA DAMN BELL!!!!!!
    =====

    Speaking of WCW and how cool their PPVs were at times, remember World War 3? That was terrific. Three rings, 60 men, all the bacon you could eat; good times. Again, another brillant idea from Uncle Eric, ripping off the WWF and their 'Royal Rumble', and making it 2-3 times better. Guaranteed that the outcome was going to be interesting. Look at the winners:

    Randy Savage - He had a bunch going for him in WCW, and all that WW3 did was give him the title. Good times.

    The Giant - Made him look like the damn monster he's supposed to be!

    Scott Hall - I love Scott Hall. His antics are always good for a laugh.

    Kevin Nash - 'Reply Coming Soon....'


    Apparently, Goldberg stayed champion last night. Big deal. I still don't like him and he wrestles badly.


    I have a question for all those morons out there who complain that wrestling isn't real. If it's not real, then
    what do you have to insult the people who do like wrestling? I mean, your entire argument is flawed over one thing; WE KNOW IT'S FAKE!!! Oh shit, you mean they aren't really hitting each other?! You mean it's pre-determined? OH MY GOD!!!! NOOOOO!! YOU'VE RUINED ANOTHER HOBBY I HAVE!!

    Seriously, we've all known that it was fake, and if you still think it's real fighting, then stop watching. I'm tired of morons telling me that it's a secret that it's fake. Here's a conversation of me and a moron:

    ---------

    Moron: Dude, did you know that wrestling is fake? They don't even hit each other.

    Me: Yea, I've known for years.

    Moron: No you haven't!! I just found out and told you!! Your are stupid!!

    Me: If you just found out, you're a pretty big moron.

    Moron: Hence my name. Heh.

    Me: Shut the fuck up and refill my damn coke!

    --------

    Also, if it's fake and you all are so gung-ho on repeating this everyone you see, then why do you watch it still? In essence, you're wasting 4 hours of your life a week to something that you'll eventually say is fake and hate!! My God, are you that stupid?! But I guess anything is better than actually doing something and bitch and complain on the internet and to random people, right? You fucking idiots.


    Y'know, with all this soap opera stuff happening, it's nice to know that at least Jericho is getting some major poon from this.

    -------------

    Those were my Survivor Series picks, everyone. Sorry I wasn't as entertaining as I usually am, but material didn't come in time. I really am sorry.

    Until next time,

    Eat a bag of hell,

    Dumass


    Lethal Wrestling - Bad Gimmmicks: 25% off Admission.




    *NEW GALLERY* Must See! The WWE Divas PARTYING HARD After WrestleMania 24!

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