Wrestling in a Bottle: RAW is Better Than Smackdown!?
Submitted by Snapple on Friday, October 31, 2003 at 10:03 PM EST



You know the WWE is in trouble when Hardcore Holly is main-eventing Survivor Series.

Happy Halloween, everyone!

Hello, and welcome to a VERY SPECIAL edition of The Wrath of Snapple, er... I mean Wrestling in a Bottle. What's so special about it, you say? Well I won't make a big hooplah about it, but this just so happens to by WIAB's golden anniversary, my 50th column. So what am I going to do for my anniversary? Absolutely nothing, except bring you columny goodness.

Unfortunately, this column is coming off the heels of not only a short hiatus for WIAB, but also the shittiest week I've had all semester. I had two midterms this week and a paper due, all the while I've been DEAD SICK with some unknown virus. I haven't been getting almost any sleep, and I even missed my first midterm, after I studied for it and everything. Then this morning I woke up at 7 for my five hour chemistry lab, feeling nauseous and with a giant sinus migraine, so I just said "Screw it" and didn't go to the lab. I'm going to try to get a make-up, but with my psycho bitch TA, I never know.

The one good thing I have to report is that yesterday, I picked up a copy of Smackdown: Here Comes the Pain! for PS2! I will have a complete review of this game next week after I finish discovering and tinkering with all the little baubles the game has to offer. I've been playing as Ric Flair in season mode, and it's taken me a while to get off my feet, but I'm finally starting to kick butt. So tune in next week.



What's Your Story?

In case anyone hasn't gotten the hint yet, the one feud keeping me going right now is the Austin-Jericho feud. Say what you will about each man, but they have a good repoire with each other. If Austin only wrestles one more match in his entire career, let that match be to put Jericho over at Wrestlemania. Let him do what Michaels didn't do this year and put over a man who's still in his prime, propelling him back into the main event.

I believe that Austin can do one match. If Angle could wrestle Brock with his neck as bad as it was, surely Austin can do this thing. Of course things never exactly work out the way I want them to, but I believe a big win at Wrestlemania is due for Jericho after jobbing to Triple-H and HBK the last two years. Then, Jericho could turn face again and win the World Championship at Summerslam from then champion Kane, becoming the first man to beat Kane since his unmasking (sans houseshows). A man can dream, can't he?

I think the reason the feud is so compelling is because it actually keeps me guessing what's going to happen next, in an age where feuds are pretty much predictable with the random attacks in the ring and pinning each other in tag matches. Look at it this way: Jericho ran in and cost Jim Ross his job at Unforgiven, and we never... saw it... coming. Jericho ran out and cleared the ring of Steven Richards and Victoria to save Trish Stratus from a beatdown, and we never... saw it... coming. Yet, despite the unpredictability of certain events, once you stepped back and thought about it, it made perfect sense. One minute he acts like a heel, and the next he acts like a face, all just to get in Austin's head and screw with him. THAT is what I call good booking. There IS hope for the writers on RAW after all. Smackdown! I'm not so sure about anymore, but that's a different topic altogether.

Imagine this. Right before the match at Survivor Series, Bischoff reminds Austin that if he in any way interferes in the elimination match, his team will be disqualified and Austin will be fired. Then, during the match, the heels try to provoke Austin as much as possible but to no avail. Eventually, everyone is laid outside of the ring except for RVD, Jericho, and Austin. Jericho distracts the referee then hits Austin in the gut with a steel chair. He then lays out RVD with the steel chair as well and locks on the Walls of Jericho. Austin becomes enraged and charges at Jericho. He raises his fists and stops himself right before he hits Jericho, realizing he'll disqualify his team. So then Jericho has the Walls locked on RVD, and he and Austin are staring at each other only inches from each others' faces. RVD taps out, all the while Austin and Jericho never break the staredown. Jericho then smiles evilly knowing that he's cost Austin his job. How cool would that be? Seriously. That staredown would be a "moment" if I ever saw one. After that, there are a number of different ways you could do it. Austin would take off a few weeks, then redebut costing Jericho a big match. Then it's smooth sailing until Wrestlemania.

Watching RAW has been fun lately because of stuff like this. No wonder it's become a better show than Smackdown!

I'll say that again so people don't think it was a typo. RAW has become a better show than Smackdown!

Yes. the one evident truth that internet fans have held dear since the roster split is that Smackdown! has been a better show than RAW, and for the most part, I would agree. However, when I see shit trucks in the main event on Smackdown!, then see a cage match between RVD and Jericho on RAW, I really start to wonder what happened to those days. I think the obvious reasons for the switch in quality boil down to a few things.

1. Triple-H hasn't been on RAW. Cruel, I know, but is it a coincidence? In the last month, we've had two intercontinental title matches be the main event of RAW. During Triple-H's year plus reign as champion, where was the IC title? It wasn't in the main event, that's for sure. Most of the time it was scrapped, due to Triple-H's wishes. In Triple-H's absence, we've been able to see several storylines flourish, such as the aforementioned Austin-Jericho feud, as well as the build up to the HBK-Goldberg match (although that was wasted on account of the No Contest finish).

2. Too much 'sports entertainment' on Smackdown! This should be the most obvious key element. Shit trucks, Father-Daughter matches, Kurt Angle rapping, it's all wrong, wrong, wrong. Plus, did anyone count the number of matches this past Thursday? I'll give you a hint: It's more than two and less than four. That's just sad, and more importantly, it's boring to watch. Even if it's A-Train vs. Big Show, for goodness sake, gimme some wrestling to watch.

3. RAW has better match hype. Riddle me this, good citizens. When was the last time you knew about the main event of Smackdown! the week before it happened? Hell, even I can't remember. Was it as far back as the Iron Man Match? RAW may not have the sheer roster power that Smackdown! does, but it tries to gear fans up for its matches. They really hyped RVD-Christian. Goldberg-Henry was booked ahead of time. HBK-Goldberg got good hype. Hell, I'm even looking forward to Michaels kicking the head off Mark Henry next week. Now, under most sane circumstances, if they just threw Shawn Michaels and Mark Henry in the ring together as the opener for RAW, I would cry for wasting Michaels' talents and then fall asleep. But you have to give them credit for trying to get Henry over as a monster and booking it so that we WANT to see HBK beat the snot out of him.

4. Just look at the Survivor Series teams. I mean really. RAW's tag match at least has a purpose, and that's the war of Austin loyalites against the coalition to fire Steve Austin. We've already got Jericho, Christian, Steiner, RVD, and Booker T in the match. I'm really looking forward to it a lot. On the other hand, you have some slap-together match which has no purpose other than for people to wrestle each other. The most aggravating part though is I don't understand why Kurt Angle is the team captain. He's not feuding with Lesnar anymore, so why force it? Plus, both teams are just hideous. On one side, you have TEAM HOSS, which is just disgusting in its own right, plus it has Nathan fucking Jones on the team. Of course, the face side isn't any better, as somehow Hardcore Holly is booked in the main event of Survivor Series. Huh?! Since when did people give a shit about Hardcore Holly? If anything, he'll just use the match as an excuse to rough up all the rookies in the ring, as will the APA. Speaking of the APA... why are they still wrestling again? They stink. Faarooq, Bradshaw, go back to 2000 when I liked you guys. You're a nuisance now.

5. Kurt Angle should not be the top face. I've been holding this in for a while now, but here it goes. Angle sucks as a face and needs to become a dorky heel again, stat. I believe the only reason he is still a face is because of the obvious lack of top faces on Smackdown! But seriously, the guy has no personality. He's a clean cut guy in American spandex. He's the kind of guy who was meant to be mocked, and he does an awesome job of playing to that kind of character... as a heel. However, Angle trying to play this satire of the American hero is just nauseating. There was one feud I wanted to see while Angle is a face, and it never happened anyway. That feud is Kurt Angle vs. Team Not-Angle. If they booked that at Summerslam, I guarantee the show would've been better. But Smackdown! as a whole needs a new top face like a fish needs water.

What Chris Nowinski Did This Week

This week, Chris woke up, ate some Cheerios and watched some of 'The Best of Harley Race' on VHS. Okay, I made that up, but I dunno what Nowinski is doing while he's recuperating.

Pieces of Randomness: Triple-H and Snapple Review WCW New Blood Rising 2000

This week there isn't going to be an edition of 'Ask Triple-H,' but don't worry. It'll be back next week. Triple-H is busy on his honeymoon, but he did leave us a parting message.

Dear Snapple or Steven Spielberg, I appreciate your desire to be represented by The Game in your next column and/or movie, but right now I am busy having sex with my hot wife. Preferably, never contact me again, unless this is Mr. Spielberg, in which case I'll have my resume for you by next week. I can't wait until I make Goldberg lay down for me at Survivor Series. It's going to be great, you'll see.

Paul Levesque,
aka Hunter Hearst Helmsley

Very touching words. We wish Triple-H the best in his new marriage, as it's very hard for those on the road to find love sometimes, but Triple-H and Stephanie have found life companions for those private jet rides. Kudos to you two.

Final Thought

Yes, the column is shorter than usual this week, but I'll make up for it. I've just been on a hectic schedule, but never fear. I should be back in full force next week if this week's column wasn't enough to satisfy your wrestling needs. I am still alive though, and I won't stop writing about wrestling until Vince McMahon tears out the veins in my wrists with a spoon, or sends a "motorcycle gang to rape my wife." Take care, and until next time.

-Snapple

Email suppresses my urge to kill small animals. Please save the animals. happydude5000@msn.com

Questions for Triple-H should include the phrase "Ask Triple-H" in the subject header.

Click to order the greatest book you don't own, Wrestlecrap: The Book!








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