A Dumass Thought - The People's Voice
Submitted by Dumass on Monday, October 27, 2003 at 7:33 PM EST



Well...well...well....

It is I, LOP's own resident wrestling god, Dum "I'm like a rubix cube; the more you play with it, the harder it gets" Ass.

Welcome to the first edition of 'A Dumass Thought' here on the main page of LOP. I've actually been waiting years to finally get here, and now that I'm here, I don't know what to say.

First off, I want to thank Calvin Martin for giving me a writing job here. It took awhile, but he finally thought I was grade A stuff. Thanks to him again. Also, thanks are in order to Tito (though I am still a bit pissed off with him) for letting me get into writing a column anywhere online, Phantom Lord for helping me with some of my classic antics in past columns, Raw Is Snapple because he always forces me to top his great column, Wevv Mang for the cheap plugs, and Daveyboy - who actually has one of the best columns on the internet.

Second. I would like to thank the LOP Columns Fourm in our message board for putting up with me writing columns that are less than serious. Major shout outs go to Dubzilla, tinali, HeyYou (SPANKY~!), Xanman, doubleheilx, TV Dog, SteJ, Pt2, and all the others who actually enjoyed my column enough to leave feedback. A message to them is that, no, Jimmy and the other antics aren't leaving because this is a main page job, don't worry.

Thirdly, I'd like to thank myself. Because I'm cool like that.
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I'm not going to introduce myself or anything, since I've been on the main page before with the FACT OR FICTION and, recently, being interviewed by Phantom Lord and his 'RANT OF THE WEEK', here on LOP. For those who still don't know me, trust me, within a few columns, you'll be glad you don't.

A few random thoughts before we get started here

1) Well....it's over and the (Marlins/Yankees) are the World Series champs. I don't really care much about either team to give a big congrats, since the teams I was picking were going to be either the A's or the Giants or both. The A's/Red Sox did have the best game of the series though, in that 13 inning drama game. So, good jobs to all involved and hopefully one of the Bay Area teams will be the champs next year.

2) DAMN THE RAIDERS!!!!! OUT OF THE PLAYOFF RACE!!!! IT'S A CONSPIRACY!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!! [/mad Dumass because of one yard Monday game]

3) Indiana Jones Trilogy owns The Matrix Trilogy. Legit.

4) Hey, Hellcock. You suck more dick than Pat Patterson on shoreleave, you shitfucker.

5) WHO BETTER THAN KANYON?!!!

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Ok. Now that I'm done with that, let's start the column.
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The People's Voice
(Or How I Learned To Stop Listening To Meltzer, Keith, And Other
Morons And Figured Out How To Make My Own Opinions On Wrestling)
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Honestly, does anyone really care what's going on with certain wrestlers anymore? I mean, back in the day, we actually felt a slight connection to most of the wrestlers because storylines grew and the characters were intriguing. Now, I'm forced to see two men (the Big Show and the Undertaker) be shoved down my neck because they need crowd reaction help. What the fuck?! If I'm going to react to the Big Show being covered in shit (a'la 1998 hosedown), it's going to be the same way I react when I'm watching the Undertaker do his whole "I'm a dead biker. Grrrrrrr!" schtick; I'm going to change the fucking channel. Hell, I'll go one step further and turn off the TV. There was a Chris Benoit/Kurt Angle Hell In The Cell Dog Collar Loser Leaves Town match later on that night? Too fucking bad. I guess I missed it because I've grown tired of the same big men cluttering up my TV screen with their shit.

I remember the last wrestler I actually cared about in the WWE. His name was Jeff Jarret. None of you 2000-2003 wrestling fans know who he is because he was only in the WWF until mid-2000, so you wouldn't know how good he was. He actually had it all. Good personality, above decent wrestling ability, some psychology; all around good wrestler. I was expecting him to go to the top and actually become something credible because of his work in Memphis and WCCW (two companys the readers here wouldn't know a thing about). I was expecting that, but did I get from Vince? I got him in a housewife's match with that she-man Chyna for the I.C. Title; and lost. The amount of tears that swelled my eyes don't do him justice. So, you can see that wrestling is really going down the shitter when I start refering to the height of someone's career is being beaten by He-Man in drag.

Women's wrestling is still crap. It was crap when they cared about it and it's crap now. And what is with women wrestlers anyway? Is it the fact of the whole gung-ho "anything you can do, I can do better" attitude that they all seem to have, seems to be motivating them to have really bad matches on my TV? I haven't seen a good women's match in years. YEARS!!! THAT'S 52 RAWs x NUMBER OF YEARS!!! THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WHEN A PRODUCT CAN NOT BE ENTERTAINING IN YEARS!!! Besides, all women wrestlers are doing are things that anyone can do really. I know I know, they have the training, the sweat, the tears, the needs of giving someone a blowjob (especially in Jackie Gayda's case); they've done it all. I know what it's like, but come on. They aren't making a splash with their amazing HAIR PULL OF DOOM~! moves. Honestly, I think all the women in the WWE should just turn into simple eye-candy. Women's wrestling was worth watching back in the 70s and 80s. Why? Because the women loo! ked like a grizzly bear in a leotard!!! Nowadays, I don't believe that women as attractive as Trish, Victoria, and Torrie Wilson would be able to fight out of a used condom, let alone someone else. Keep the women to what they know please; bikini shoots and Playboy. Or...if Vince wants to make some more extra money, put them on the street and sell them off.
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As Time Goes By.....

I've been playing EWR for like 3 months, and it is a really fun game. I hate the fact that Scott Keith is the one who gives the opinions on the matches, but I get around that.

Anyway, I felt like having a lot of fun this time around playing it, so I came up with this.

My Adventures in the EWR.

NOTE: No, this is not stolen from somewhere else, it is original. Don't email me about it. I know that other sites have something like this, but I don't care. Blow me.
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Day #1:
I started my career in the wrestling business! Since I'm running my own promotion, I had to hire some wrestlers. So I hired about 20 wrestlers by offering them scrambled eggs and a pencil. The 'Paul Heyman' approach worked well, because I was able to hire most of the former ECW staff. In my first day, I was told by the higher ups that I needed to establish some wrestlers and some championships. I stole the I.C. title from the WWE because I heard they weren't using it much, and gave it to New Jack. I also renamed New Jack to 'Henry the Workboy'.

Day #2:
While getting some tag teams together, my newly aquired GM, Adrian Adonis was arguing about his position. I fired Adrian for giving me such a bad time on my first week of working. He just stood there, without addressing me as 'sir' or 'moron'. I felt bad about firing him because we were friends like 3 weeks ago when I told him about my problems with marriage and he just stood there, listening like a good friend. Later, I found out he has been dead for more than 10 years; I didn't feel so bad after that.

Day #3:
The higher ups kept telling me that I had to get some sponsers for the TV taping that was coming up in a few days. I hurried to the phones and called up my friend, the Little Cesear's Guy, and asked him what I should do. The conversation went something like this:
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Me: Dude, I need some help.
Cesear: Pizza Pizza?
Me: Well, my bosses are telling me I need sponsers for my promotion so I can make money. I told that you don't need money to have a wrestling promotion work and I gave ROH as an example, but they didn't care. What should I do?
Cesear: Pizza. Pizza pizza pizza. Pizza pizza pizza, pizza. Pizza! Pizza pizza pizza, pizza pizza!
Me: Really man? Cool. So what is it you want me to do?
Cesear: Pizza pizza.
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So, in order for him to sign with me, I had to kick Mikey Whipwreck in the balls and dance around him singing "Ring around the rosey, Mikey is a pussy. Ashes, Ashes, he just fell down".

I also fired Steve Corino because he said he was old school. I'm old school and nobody is going to say they are like me!!!

Day #4:
On our first TV show(we're only on cable access thus far), I decide that the fans need to get to know who's the best talent around. So all 11 segment are filled with Bra and Panties matches won by Rikishi! Except Match 7, that was won by a newly re-hired Steve Corino.

Later that day, Corino is fired for not selling enough and not bleeding. Also, I let Barry Windham have sex with Corino's sister as Corino is forced to watch while being tied to a chair with bamboo. I then hired Barry for a long term contract being my personal assistant.

Day #5:
The higher-ups are telling me I have to go after the competition. Damn those hire-ups. If they knew how hard it was to run a federation, they would have given it to a different person. But, they are the bosses, even if it is my own company.
Following what the bosses said, I raid the talent of my biggest rival, a backyard federation.
Realizing I need a major feud, I find someone who has been shoved in the back by so many promising federations, including the WWE and NWA-TNA to go after the man beast known as Rikishi!!

KIDD KRAYZ!!! A 100 pound backyard hardcore legend who has been wrestling for 3 whole months!!!!
I also sign Scotty 2 Hotty to rape him with a rusty stapler on a daily basis, cause it's funny.

Day #6:
Realizing that a large crop of my roster is unknown to the larger fanbase of pro wrestling, I decide to spice things up with gimmicks.

The following people are now gay firemen:
Raven
The Sandman
Steve Austin
Tito Santana
Along with the changes, I hired a new GM. His name is Vince Russo. Seems like a nice guy and also seems to know alot about the 'business'.

Day #7:
We have a show, and I feel that our roster doesn't know each other well enough to work matches together that will come out smoothly on TV.

I decide the best thing for the company is for EVERY segment to be a hype video for the debut of THE BIG SHOW!!!. I also hire Steve Corino back after a very lengthy talk about sportsmanship and other crap. Basically, I put a saddle on him and rode him around like a pony.

Day #8:
I fire The Big Show before his TV debut after he's caught eating my diabetic lunch. Even though I don't have diabetes. .........Ok, I don't like him.

Fearing the backlash of Big Show's legion of fans, THE SHOW, I hire Akeem the African Dream, put him in a leotard, and have him go out to the ring and breakdance.

After finding out I lost 5.00$ from the Big Show fallout clause in his contract, I was depressed.
I fired Steve Corino for being a blonde with black roots. That made me feel better.

Day #9:
It's a boring day. To keep myself occupied, I call up Steve Corino and fire him. When, inbetween his tears, he tells me that I already fired him several times. So, I gave him back his job if he sacrifices his infant son to me. When he told me that he had a daughter, I refered to that thing inbetween her legs I saw one time, then I remembered I was looking at him. I said that he was hung like a 2 year old on a cold day, and told him he will never work in this country again. He then told me that he found work in Japan with a indy federation over there and said he didn't need me.
I talked to the higher-ups and they agreed. I purchased the indy fed in Japan that Steve was in and, while punching his little son-girl in the kidneys, told him he was fired.
Then Barry Windham took over Steve from there.

Day #10:
The higher-ups are at it again, demanding I bring more "name" wrestlers to the company.
While looking through the ranks of unemployed "big name" "wrestlers", I find one that seems too perfect to head up my newly formed 'Gay Submission With A Sausage Covered With Chocolate Syrup" division.
The Big Boss Man will premire next week.

Day #11:
It's time for my weekly staff meeting. Why there wasn't one last week, I don't know. Maybe I'm doing such a great job that I don't need to go to production meetings, but I have to go to this one. The "email" just won't leave me alone.
My assistant Sophie tells me I have to get rid of the "fat" of the roster. I tell her to lose a few herself, but Barry takes her aside for a little "Texas Roadhouse Rules" match in my bedroom. I'm guessing Barry likes the 'junk in the trunk'.
By the way, we had this meeting in my house. I felt it was an invasion of privacy, but everyone already knows about me, Miss Elizabeth, the donkey, and the strawberry whipped cream; so why hide it?
After Windham and Sophie came out of my closet, they (the higher-ups and Sophie) start to leave. I make my advances on Sophie, telling her that I'm a tremendous lay and we would be having sex for hours. She then told me that I would have to do something in order to have sex with her.

Since she took a knife to my balls while I was making my "moves", I no longer have any genitalia, but she was the best lay ever; especially when the Clyoriform started to kick in and she calmed down a bit.

Day #12:
Feeling the mounting pressure of making this company bigger, I struggle for new show ideas. This brainstorming session leads to a first in wrestling history.....

Day #13:
Gillberg wins the first ever "Underwear On Your Head While You Do The Funky Chicken Above A Lake Filled With Alligators" match. I was sorry that I had to lose some talent, but they were nothing special to me. I mean, why give the highest rankings to people like Chris Benoit when there are more deserving guys like A-Train and The Goon to give them to. They are where the big money is.

And who is this Kurt Angle everyone is praising about? Meh, must be some jobber or something. I'll hire him and put him a "Loser Has To Have Sex With Bastion Booger" Match against Bradshaw; since Bradshaw can't clam up about how good of a lay he is.

Day #14:
What a day! I find out that my biggest star is not Rikishi! I'm relieved because I can now finally fire him for being overweight. I may get a lawsuit, but he would have to put the fork down long enough to talk in a court room.
It turns out that my most popular wrestler is Raven, so I do what any good promoter like myself would do.
I job him off to Rodney Mack, and then, have Barry have his way with him. Barry sure is loving this job.

Day #15:
As I'm going down on Trish and Goldilocks, I get an urgent phonecall. It turns out that Steve Corino has become a Mormon and is wanting to try it out as a gimmick. I tell him that I'll give him his job back if I have full creative control over what happens to his character. He agrees.
I shaved his head completely, put a brown coat on him, and gave him a small square mustache. As he is in the ring, waving at the fans, the fans start to boo him and start to scream out, "You murdering pig!!!" As he starts to talk about how God changed his life, and how he will crush the wicked, the fans start to throw things like knives, soccer balls, and other objects into the ring.

That's when, before a riot starts, I have my newly formed stable called the 'Mighty Morphen Power Rabbis' (which consists of Eddy Guerrao, Outlaw Ron Bass, The Brooklyn Brawler, and Captian Lou Albano) come out and beat the shit out of Steve Corino, who I renamed 'The Fuerher'.
Later that night, as I'm celebrating by doing whiskey shots out of Trinity's boobs, Steve Corino tells me he quits. I tell him that he can't quit because I fired him already. Then I kick him in the balls and have Barry have his way with him again. I'm giving Barry a 50 cent raise.
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Part 2 next week. YAY!
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Well, that's all for this week.
I hope you all enjoyed my premire column. If you didn't, tough shit.
Until next time, I leave you with the words my buddy Mike over at Lethal Wrestling closes with.
Eat a bag of hell,
Dumass








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