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Submitted by Wevv Mang on Sunday, October 26, 2003 at 2:36 AM EST
Ridin With The Bossman - Mark Henry Madness! Greetings! Welcome to another edition of Ridin’ With The Bossman! Well, it’s been a long week. You know it’s been a long week when you use Mark Henry jokes to get you through it. I amused myself by calling a few friends and pretending to be Mark Henry, and talking about big sandwiches and being the World’s Most Athletically Gifted 400 pound Athlete in the world today. They were having bad weeks to, and it helped get them through it, so everyone had fun. Must be one of those weeks where the crap just flows all around and gets everyone. On a side note, Phoenix is a really nice place when it gets below 100. Even the disc jockeys were talking about freezing temperatures of 91 degrees. Maybe Mark Henry needs to pay a visit to them. But enough about me, and I did warn you that my life is not that exciting. Tedious, yes, exciting no, and I think I’m grateful for that. Another wacky week of wrestling happened, and I tried not to think about it too much. Some good, some bad, and you can tell which show Vince and friends ar focusing on. Raw took a big hit, but Smackdown took a surprising turn. Let’s take a look shall we? WWE TV - The TV Series NO MERCY...FOR YOU! How much impact did this PPV have on my memory? I totally forgot it had even happened when writing up this column. It wasn’t until I was reading the Observer that the light bulb went on. Basically the show was on average. Three good matches, some filler, and three or four really crappy matches. Show got the US title, Rey keeps his PPV losing streak intact (it’s been what? 6, 7 in a row now?), and Linda got to talk. Yay. The good matches, for me, were Tajiri/ Mysterio, Hardy/ Gowan (surprisingly so. It’s amazing how the perspective changes when the focus isn’t on Zach being a cripple, but just another wrestler), and Angle/Cena. While good, I’m really glad I didn’t pay to see this PPV. Taker - Lesnar was a Punch-Kick-A-Palooza. Really frigging boring. There were less than a dozen actual wrestling moves in the whole thing. If there were more, it was because I was busy watching paint dry. Go Taupe! You can beat Lime! Go Taupe! Oh yeah, Taupe is really drying now! Lime doesn’t stand a chance! Look at that sucker dry! -Side note, I did notice that the chain was placed out of Lesnar’s reach. He had to climb the pole to actually touch the Yappa-Pi Biker Chain. Undertaker, however, had no problem standing on the turnbuckle and getting the chain. Says volumes doesn’t it? So, Undertaker beat up four guys before going down in one punch of the Dreaded Biker Chain. What a finish. Didn’t you feel like you got your money’s worth after that? Steph did the ol have some one throw in the towel so that she doesn’t have to do the job to Vince. Just plain sad on so many levels. One is that she can now return and say she didn’t quit instead of staying off of TV ( I know, it was never really going to happen, but I can dream can’t I?). Second, in the ol Job for Job theory of wrestling, it counts as a Job for Steph, without actually doing one, like H always does. So now Vince owes Steph a job some where down the line. That can only means bad news. Shaniqua, it’s amazing what she can do when she actually gets to talk. Also, she didn’t go Steph crazy with her implants, and actually looks good. RAW The show had a different feel this week, and I guess it’s because Vince has returned his attention back to Raw. H was also backstage as well. I thought he might be from the way Booker T was handled. No encouraging comments from Ross, King kept blabbering on about anything and everything but Booker T. At least he didn’t bring up the convict stuff. It was like Booker T was left to fend on his own, but Orton was built up as a huge Star. Funny, considering what happened later. Booker T gets to say he’s the Five Time WCW champion again, but then he has to volunteer to become part of Austin’s team, and never does actually talk to Austin. He’s just there. Oh, and he’s the first person to join the team. The rest haven’t been announced yet, but next week they’ll be hyped to the moon. After her beating last week, Stacy learned her lesson. Getting drunk and beating up women pays off. It’s what any good face would do. Hey wait a minute, does that mean that Jericho was right when he accidentally hit Stacy with a chair back in his infamous Test feud? Oh wait, since that was an accident it was a heel deed. Mark Henry Attacks! Goldberg is down! But he gets better. There was a buffet that was calling his name, so he couldn’t finish the job. World’s Greatest 400 lbs plus Athlete eats free! Hard to pass that up. OK, now there are like 12 police officers standing by to stop Kane. There’s a guy who attempted homicide walking around free, two guys steal $100,000, and when Kane does finally show up, they do absolutely nothing. Oh wait, they walk him to the ring, let him give a promo and then walk away scott free. So what was the point of having all those police be in the building again? About the hijacking of the money. Why the hell didn’t those guys run away as soon as they got the cash? Just so H could hit them with a board and take the money back an hour later? Those guys deserve to be jobbers. Stupid idiots like that deserve to job. Look at it from the home audience and Mark perspective. They’re incompetent criminals at best and morons at worst. Stealing the money, good idea. Doing nothing with it, stupid idea. One hell of an angle flushed down the drain. Batista gets to take out Goldberg? Batista? That’s one heck of a way to make a returning debut. Well, on the plus side, the angles still fit the big picture. A lot of work still needs to be done, but the plans that were laid got a serious setback. Too much sheer stupidity creeping back in. You know it’s bad when I look forward to the Mark Henry segments just so I can goof on the guy. Lord help me, but he’s growing on me. Like a virus that makes ya goofy. Let me protect myself from losing readers. It’s not anything Henry actually does, it’s just seeing him being pushed on my TV screen makes me laugh. Hearing JR say how fantastic the guy is, then watching how horrible he is as a wrestler makes me laugh. His skits are so-so, mainly it’s Teddy that carries it. So, I am not a fan of Mark Henry The Wrestler, just a guy who can’t resist a sitting duck (literally) for my shotgun humor. Big Show is a different case entirely. He’s had good matches, and has the most potential out of the current crop of WWE stars of doing something else, like movies, TV, or what have you. It’s not just his sheer size, it’s the fact that he actually has acting talent, and can work the mic. No bullshit. Remember him on Saturday Night Live? He’s got a good sense of humor, and is not afraid to use it. Of course, there is his feud with Bossman which is my all time favorite feud. It was hilarious. SMACKDOWN! Vince comes out and says he has sex with Sable. He’s the guy who signs the checks and it makes me wonder who else he may be banging that he signs checks for. I don’t think it’s limited to the chicks... That promo Heyman cut on Taker made me realize just how much I missed Heyman. It seems so simple, yet no one else seems able to capture that magic. Well it may be free boob jobs for everybody. I expect something to go wrong with the surgery and Nidia to come back with watermelons under her top. No reason to do so, except to make Steph look normal. At least in WWE. Fatty is back! And fatter than ever! He may not have been able to train, but nothing was stopping him from eating! I sure can’t wait until he feuds with John Cena. I still remember that rap off they had. Hit the music! “ Boom Bah Boom Boom...... I got shot.....Man that sucked.....Lucky to be alive.... Now I’m gonna stick my fat ass in your face.” Michael Cole loves that. Poor Scotty. He’d do fine on his own. Dance Fat Man! Dance! You know, it could be that Shaniqua had an Uncle who was strict on discipline. Say a certain Southern gentleman who used to work in the prison system? It could fit... Hell, just put Bossman back on TV already. They may not be the FBI, but the current batch of champs (heavyweight and US) still can’t get the job done. Heavy selling for the Yappa Pi Biker Chain, the most devastating weapon in the WWE ever. Taker gets pinfall after pinfall, and eventually wins. After the match we get the Taker writhing in pain, but gosh darn it, somehow still able to talk segment with Vince, where the match is made at Survivor Series. Early prediction? Vince wins. But Paul E is back, and that makes it almost excusable. It still remains to be seen what Vince has in store for him. Is Heyman being set up so that Steph can make him into her personal Bischoff? Jobber and all around ineffective schmuck? Or is it going to be like Vince did with Shane? Crowd favorite in an angle that turns the fans against him? What I do know is that Smackdown needs a lot of work and the building blocks have been laid. The Angle - Benoit clash was good. Haas and Benjamin are being handled nicely. reason is returning, but if the characters can be changed, things will be well. But time will tell. Wevv’s House (Next To The Cemetery) Living room Bossman is moping in the living room again. Big Show steps in and sits down next to Bossman. Big Show: Hey Big guy, what’s wrong? Bossman: Well Big Show, my jinxing business is a bust. I even called Papa Shango to get some good spells, but it looks like they turned on me. Big Show: That’s too bad BM. Better luck next time. At least you still have your midget crime ring. Bossman: Not anymore. They cut me out of the action. Big Show: Buck up, Bossman! Hey buddy, you think a big sandwich might perk you up? Would a sandwich make you feel better? Huh, Big Guy? Bossman: You know a sandwich might make me feel better. Thanks Big Show. Bossman: There ya go. Big Show heads into the kitchen. Bossman sits up straighter on the couch. The minutes tick by slowly. The sounds of Big Show emptying out the fridge can be heard, followed by some humming. Big Show eventually comes out of the kitchen with a huge sandwich covering the plate. He walks by Bossman, and out of the living room, through the sliding door that leads to the porch. Bossman just stares, mouth open, and a word stuck in his throat. The minutes tick by again, then Bossman closes his mouth, and a snarl creeps onto his face. A vein starts throbbing on the side of his head. He raises his hand, clenched into a fist and mutters two words. Bossman: You bastard.... Well, that’s one way to change Bossman’s mood. Over-Analyzing Wrestling Today’s Topic: Fandom I’ve seen a lot of columnist writing about how wrestling sucks, and after reading my show breakdown I can see that I’ve caught a case of the Negative Nancys as well. It happens from time to time, but the bottom line is that most folks who say they’re going to stop watching rarely do. No one column inspired me to write this section, since the whole net seems to be full of it. This isn’t a knock directed at anybody, more along the lines of just looking at something and thinking about it. Over-Analyzing, it’s what I do. Negativity on the net about wrestling has been around since the first web geek posted a message at 9.6 kbs. Heck even 2.4. Some folks made quite the name for themselves with the way they creatively slashed a show to ribbons. It’s been refined since into a near art form. Coming up with creative ways to say Mark Henry sucks could be an olympic sport. Frankly it’s fun as well. But why do it? Why use valuable free time writing a few pages about how much wrestling sucks? Why do it? The quick and easy reason is that it fills up column space. It’s easy to do. Cranking out a few paragraphs of sarcasm laden comments is an easy way to fill column space. It also can get the encouraging “Yeah, he does suck!” responses. It’s a lot less risky than coming out and admitting that you like Mark Henry and hope he gets the belt someday because he would a great champion and revolutionize the wrestling industry. That kind of statement would probably get you the “what the hell are you on?” type of responses. Even if it might true. He could be the Black Undertaker for all we know. -Now think about that. Mark Henry coming out with Teddy Long to some creepy gansta rap, , erie blue lights, then proclaiming that his opponents soul is his. I’d be sacred if Mark Henry said that to me. He might not decide to wait for me to die, and try to eat it right then and there! One other reason is that when I though back on this weeks wrestling, it was easy to see all the things I thought were wrong with it, and forgot about the stuff I liked. The frustration got my writing juices going, ending in the good stuff getting buried under the bad. I could vividly describe what I thought was wrong, but the good was harder to come by. I did manage with my Mark Henry positive vibes, but then again, when you’re used to supporting Big Show and Bossman, you get used to that kind of flak. The other angles, well, they have that most precious commodity in wrestling. The spark of hope. Cade and Jindrak could team up with Evolution, but instead of saying how good that could be, it’s better to not even think about it. See, when you get your hopes up for something good to happen, it turns out the plan is going to be that they like to molest cub scout or something equally appalling. Best example is Kane ( It always seems to be Kane or Jericho with me doesn’t it?). Kane was accused of raping dead people by H. He finally got some measure of revenge. Folks were primed to see Kane kick some ass. Then he lost. Angle over, no revenge, just ashes of defeat. To make a comparison, let’s switch gears a little and talk about sports. Listen to just about nay sports radio station when they let callers speak on the air. Some will be positive, some will be negative. The folks who are negative generally have a lot more to say than the folks who are positive. When the teams are doing really bad, the balance shifts towards the latter dramatically. Holla if ya hear me Cardinals, Bears, Bengals, Browns fans. Frustration can lead to a lot of words being used to help express said emotion. But it also helps covers the deeper emotion which is fear. Fear that the sport that you care deeply about will be unable to turn things around and continue to suck. Fear that the potential for greatness will not be realized. Fear that the team is not doing everything it can to make things better. Wrestling, however, is not like other sports. Wrestling has it’s outcome predetermined and does not have to rely completely on that most fickle of mistresses, luck. Luck does play a factor, but more along the lines of getting the right guy to the right spot at the right time. The fans have a very large voice helping wrestling make the right move to achieve success. Not listening to the fans is only part of the WWE’s problem, since it has a widely spaced class of fans, and while one may be very vocal, ignoring the other, larger portion can prove to be just as disastrous as only listening to one and not the other. Marks do outnumber smarts by about 100 to 1. Before I go off an a longer tangent, let me get back to the point by saying that I do not think that writers should change their writing style to be more positive. Rant away good people! I enjoy reading a rant as much as I would reading about how great wrestling is. Difference of opinion can lead to some great debates, and highly enjoyable reading. Ranting may not be a right of being a fan, but sometimes it just helps you make it through the bad stretches until the product either goes away or gets better, or you just give up on it. That’s about it for today. There’s a few more things to ramble about, but I think I’ll get the plugs out of the way early. First, some great comedy site that you can thank me for later. Celebrity Prank Phone Calls And the site where you can see the skit that inspired a column, and other Bossman goodies. Ray Traylor.Net LOP FOrums! Join the party and place a wager on the Wedding Pool! When will it be announced on TV! Pick your time slot now! LOP Columns Forum! Rick and TIna share gender views on wrestling in XY files. Dumass gets on Vince's bad side. Winter asks a lot of questions, Pt2 may have to actually thank Lee Marvin. MEhnes316 talks about No Mercy. Xan Man has awards to give out. Dubzilla checks back in with more insightful randomness. DoubleHelix has... nothing new, so no big bright shiny letters this time. Give him some feedback to encourage him. Give them all feedback! Davey goes nuts and fantasy books! Read it to believe it! The Wrestling Menu Jim Helps you think about options to the WWE The Forzese View LOP Merchandise! Buy Something! Christmas is coming soon! Ready Bossman? Hey, don;t glare at me that way. I didn’t do anything to you. WHo covered for you when Warren Sapp came looking for you? Who told Colt’s Defensive line you were at Burger King when you were really in the pool? So chill out BM. Just get the casket and hearse ready. Please. If you have something you would like me to OverAnalyze for you, feel free to drop me an line and I’ll try to get to it. I make no promises. Well, the wedding of H and Steph is now over. As I type this, H is probably passed out while Steph takes care of business personally. The spawning cycle will begin again shortly. I have a pool going on the forums in wrestling general on when the announcement will be made on TV of their nuptials. You know Steph will have to have the world know that she got married. It’s only a matter of time and you can get in on the action. Nash may be out of wrestling. When was he in wrestling? HAHAHAHA. Oh the humor. Oh, the truth. Stu Hart and Road Warrior hawk both passed away this week. Stu Hart will be greatly missed. His contribution to wrestling is phenomenal. He helped show what wrestling could be, as well as training some fantastic talent, not the least of which were his own sons Bret and Owen. Road Warrior Hawk helped transform the idea of what a tag team could be accomplish. He will be missed as well. That’s it for today. Hey Big SHow, you better be careful around Bossman. I think he’s pissed about something. last time I saw him this ticked off was when you and he fought over that sandwich. Just get on the casket and hold on for dear life. Until Next Time, Thanks FOr Reading and Thanks for Ridin’ Wevv Mang mrwevv@mac.com *NEW GALLERY* AMAZING Recent Pix of Candice Michelle Soaking Herself for Diggnation! WOW!
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