Wrestling in a Bottle: We Rip Unforgiven, Plus NWA-TNA, Triple-H, and More
Submitted by Snapple on Friday, September 26, 2003 at 11:11 PM EST



Oh, my brothas and sistas, rejoice for the time is upon us for another edition of Wrestling in a Bottle. I'm the Reverend Snapple. Please join me in my sermon.

Hot holy moly. This is now three straight weeks of WIAB without taking a break. Is the column going back to a weekly basis now that my life has a little more order to it? Hopefully yes. During the summer... I don't want to saying writing was a chore, but finding regular time each week to do it in was really hard, but I tried very hard to make sure I was coming at you at least bi-weekly. Not only do I now have more time on Fridays to write, but I actually look forward to writing again. I feel there are many issues I haven't grazed thoroughly, and it leaves me itching to write about it. This week, I'm going to bring you my Unforgiven review, as well as some NWA-TNA thoughts. I still want to give my 'State of Smackdown Address,' which I meant to do last week, but I totally forgot about Unforgiven. I want to devote an entire column to just Smackdown!, so I'm saving that for next week.

Before I jump into it, I have to congratulate WIAB idol Chris Jericho on becoming a Daddy this week. Bravo, Chris. If the little one ends up having half the wrestling ability and charisma that you do, I'm sure I'll become a big fan 25 years down the line.

Unforgiven Review

Last Sunday was Unforgiven, the second all-RAW pay-per-view since the roster split nearly a year-and-a-half ago. Sadly, the legacy of RAW PPVs did not get off to exactly a good start, so my expectations going into this show were VERY low, so that I wouldn't get disappointed like I did with Bad Blood. Instead of giving my thoughts on the whole show though, it's time to tackle each match, one by one.

The Dudleys vs. La Resistance & Rob Conway

Blech, this match was nothing special. It was pretty typical Dudley table shenanigans with nothing new or interesting whatsoever. I had predicted the Dudleys to win, which they did, but there was no reason to put the tag titles on the line at the last second. The Dudleys right now are about as stale a tag team as you will ever see. Giving them the belts hurts the tag division as a whole, even more than La Resistance were. At least La Resistance are new, fresh talent. Plus, heel champs could have feuded with Hurricane & Rosey or Goldust & Lance Storm, two teams that I would not mind seeing succeed at all. Instead, it looks like the Dudleys are going to feud with Rodney Mack and Mark Henry, quite possibly the worst tag team in history, with the exception of their manager, who will undoubtedly get my vote for the next president of the United States. Dolla dolla!

Scott Steiner vs. Test

I really enjoyed the video package for this feud. To the WWE's credit, it honestly has been a well-booked feud. The only thing is that both of the men involved in the feud have fairly poor ring-ability, and the feud has gone on WAY WAY too long. Given that I actually *enjoyed* their Bad Blood match, if they blew off this feud sometime between Bad Blood and Summerslam, I would've said "Now that was a good feud." However, they dragged it out and gave us two rematches, the first of which doesn't even qualify as a match. The second rematch was obviously at Unforgiven, and to be honest, I didn't like the match very much. It wasn't really that long, and Steiner's weak offense was much more exposed in this match than at Bad Blood. Then again, it could've been a lot worse, so I'll just shrug it off and move on.

Shawn Michaels vs. Randy Orton

Last week, I said my opinion of Randy Orton was riding on this match, and as a result of this match... I'm still not sure where I stand. I think Orton did pretty well, and I did enjoy the match more than I thought I would. I shook my fist at the screen, however, when Orton made the rookie move of going for the extended SIDE-CHINLOCK OF DOOM. Yeah, that's won so many matches in the past five years. I hate obvious rest-holds like that. Go back and watch Brock vs. Cena at Backlash. I think Cena had that move applied for literally half the match, which was quite sad. Anyway, after the resthold, the action picked up and we got an above-average match with a botched finish. If Flair had gotten Orton's foot on the rope *before* the three-count, Orton's win might've meant something. Instead, Michaels got a clean finish before the decision was reversed and Orton used the brass knuckles. If that was planned, it was obviously a cop-out ending to let Orton claim he's stil a legend killer while Michaels keeps his heat. I still think Orton has room to improve, but the match was good nonetheless.

Chris Jericho vs. Christian vs. Rob Van Dam

Like I said before, I was disdained by the fact that this matchup makes very little sense other than giving these three men a match for the PPV. While I thought the match did well, I've seen better matches between these three men. I think it just got a little cluttered at times, which tends to happen in triple-threat matches anyway, but overall an entertaining break in the show. I was VERY glad to see that Jericho is continuing to get in Austin's face, giving us THE BEST DAMN FEUD ON TELEVISION. Seriously, the feuds in the WWE all suck right now, except for Austin-Jericho. I can't wait to see what new developments happen from week to week. Ah... but I digress, this match was a positive addition to the card, although it wasn't the standout match I was hoping it would be.

Shane McMahon vs. Kane

Without a doubt, THIS was the match that made me satisfied with my purchase of Unforgiven. Let me say this right now. Shane is not a mat-worker. That's kind of a given. Shane is, however, a good spot wrestler. I think he's really found his niche in hardcore matches. From now on, I never want to see Shane wrestle outside of hardcore matches, because otherwise he'll suck. You'd be hard-pressed to find someone in the WWE who puts their body on the line as consistently as Shane McMahon does, and I love him for it. Some people say that McMahons shouldn't be wrestling, and they have a valid point, but here's the difference between Shane and Vince. First, Shane's only had his second PPV match in two years. Vince puts himself on the PPV card more often than not. Shane is actually entertaining in the ring, while Vince is not. Lastly, Shane puts wrestlers *over* more than the other way. If Zach Gowen had any credibility at all (which is debatable), I think losing cleanly to Vince McMahon oughta have squashed that. The Shane-Kane feud to me is to put Kane over as a monster without having him squash too many actual wrestlers. If Kane has to squash anyone, wouldn't you rather it be Shane than Jericho? Or Booker T? I know I would. Although a Booker-Kane feud could be good stuff. Anyway, it was a good hardcore brawl, complete with chairshots, Van Terminators, a NASTY~! shot from the suspended camera, and Shane falling 20-30 feet on his ass. I wouldn't mind seeing a rematch...

Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler vs. Jonathan Coachman & Al Snow

The match sucked. Let's move on.

Goldberg vs. Triple-H

Well, I knew the match would suck, but I didn't truly realize how boring it would be until I actually saw it. Triple-H was showing NO emotion at all, and seemed to be going through a "Let's get this over with" attitude throughout the bout, which hurt it. I was somewhat mesmerized by watching the collision of two of the greatest wrestling political machines in a ring. The only part that even caught my attention during the match was when Triple-H countered the spear with a high-knee, which was kinda nifty. Otherwise, the match was very forgettable, and the ending couldn't have been more anticlimactic. Triple-H's reign of terror is over. (deadpan) Hooray. I'll rejoice when Triple-H loses the rematch.


Overall, it was a pretty average show. There was a lot of crap, a couple of fairly good matches and one REALLY good brawl between Kane and Shane. Whether it's worth seeing is debatable. Maybe if you catch the video-on-demand for only ten dollars? I should point out however that not long after seeing Unforgiven, I watched the NWA-TNA Super X Cup for a second time and completely forgot about this show. I'll get to the X Cup in a second though.

NWA-Total Nonstop Snapple

I know it's been a while since I've brought this portion of the column, but aside from just wanting to write about other things, unfortunately I may or may not be able to bring TNA updates every week like I was able to over the summer. For some craaaazy reason, the dorms here at the University of Texas won't let you order PPVs of any kind. The last TNA show I actually saw on TV was the battle royal/gauntlet show, in which Raven won the main event.

Since then, however, I was able to see the PPV containing the Super X Cup Tournament and Wargames thanks to a generous person. And wow, what a show it was. Better than the July 30th show, for sure. Not only that, but the tournament itself was probably the smartest booked wrestling tournament I've seen in YEARS.

One of the best things about the tournament was that, with the exception of the Lynn-Sabin match, they were all clean finishes. There were no screwjob endings, even when the heels won, just pure and simple wrestling, each and every time. The first round matches were abit short, but that's understandable. Teddy Hart, although with the most hideous ring attire I hope I ever see on a Hart, definitely won me over with his ring prowess. A very interesting turn occured when the current X Division champion was knocked out in the very first round of the tourny by Frankie Kazarian. I like how they didn't automatically push the champion to the finals, and it smartly set up Kazarian vs. Sabin in the semi-finals. Sabin and Kazarian have been feuding so damn long, but all of their matches save the first one had shitty endings. Finally, a match with a clean ending, and Sabin did a DAMN good job of carrying Kazarian, the best I've seen. Beautiful match. However, the other semi-final which pitted Teddy Hart against Juventud Guerrera was even BETTER. WOW. With the exception of a couple of moments, I really think the Juvi-Hart match was better than 99% of the matches the WWE has had all year. Then the finals! Oh, the finals! I personally thought that Sabin-Juvi was even better than Juvi-Hart, and that match was very hard to top. I marked out so much while watching that tournament, and it just solidified in my mind the fact that Chris Sabin is a golden god.

Outside of the tournament was the 'Wargames' match, which wasn't really Wargames. The rules were entirely different, and there was only one ring instead of two. Still, in parts it was an entertaining brawl. Most of the time it was very clusterfuckish, but that's what happens in matches with ten people. Still, the reason I mainly praise the show is because of the X Cup tournament, which was exhaustingly great.

Since then, I haven't seen a single show, but I have been reading the results. I am baffled as to why they had the greatest show of the year the week BEFORE the one cent show instead of the week AFTER. If the one-cent show caught anyone's attention, you'd think they'd like to back it up by producing a quality the show the following week. I no get. The Raven-Douglas match sounded absolutely horrible, what with Douglas getting blown up and then vomitting all over the ring. Well, apparently Douglas looks a lot better shape than he really is. Get that man down to the track!

Also, it looks like Jarrett is finally getting his match against AJ. Drat it. Drat it all. I pray that AJ drops it to anyone but Jeff Jarrett. Although the way Jarrett's been booked in the last month or two, it's as if he really is going to take his belt back. I'd hate to think of AJ Styles as a belt-warmer, especially when he's a lot better champion than Jarrett would be.

The odd thing about NWA-TNA is that when the show is good, it's REALLY good, but when the show is bad, it's REALLY bad. I'm going to try to get my hands on PPVs whenever I can, so as to continually review it, but don't expect it on a weekly basis.

What Chris Nowinski Did This Week

Well, we hope Chris is still recuperating and taking his time so as not to reinjure himself upon his return. I want to remind everyone that it was about this time last year that brought about the end to Nowinski's impressive undefeated streak.

Yes, to those who were unaware, Chris Nowinski actually went undefeated for a good three months before he was pinned to the mat for three seconds. After scoring impressive wins over guys such as Spike Dudley, Nowinski's reign of intellectual terror was brought to a halt when he was challenged by none other than the Undertaker. Yes, it once took someone of main event calibur like the Undertaker to bring Nowinski down. Oh, how the mighty have fallen, eh? Well, there's no shame in jobbing to Taker. Everyone's done it at some point or another. I mean, Kurt Angle's winning streak was ended by Tazz. Does this mean Nowinski will have a more successful career than Kurt Angle? Maybe it does...

Or not.

Pieces of Randomness: Ask Triple-H*

Hello dumbskulls. I don't know why I'm doing this again this week, because you people need me more than I need you. Plus, I need some time off to let my (insert random body part) heal up from my recent injury and to tie the knot with one of Vince's seedlings. Before I get to finishing the wedding plans, I thought I might answer some more of your stupid emails. So let's go.

My question to HHH:
why is that every woman he bangs........ uh.... dates, seem to get pumped up.(Must be the stacker.) Stephanie is almost as built as Chyna...... uh Joanie........ uh X-pac beat-er-upper.... uh forget it(that was my Nash impression). Why does he enjoy bulking up his woman when they coincidentally become a serious couple. Does he like the rough stuff? ever decide to switch positions and become the catcher instead of the pitcher?
"Steph Uuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh. Strap it onnnnnnnnnnn uhhhhhhhhhhhh. Give it to meeeeeeeeee uhhhhhhhhhh. I like this Game uuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Uh Oh. That never happened before uuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

Jason

Okay, first of all, the Game-uh, does not talk like that. Second of all, yeah I like some meat on my women. The rest of those skinny bitches just don't have the meat for the business, like I do. Plus, my women need resilience to last in bed with the Game. Let's just say I work stiff.

Actually, the real reason is this. A long time ago, there was a man who took me under his wing, and told me to pay my dues, which I did. That man taught me everything I know about wrestling, and we formed a special bond that only two men who gave everything to the business could have. That man was Giant Gonzales, and I'll never forget the day he told me, "You've got to sleep your way to the top. If you do, you may come out on top at Wrestlemania, like I never did." And so I did. Steph has been good to me, and everytime I spoonfeed her a pint of Stacker 2, I see a little more twinkle of the Giant in her eyes.

Did I mention Rob Van Dam didn't come to my bachelor party? Yeah, I'm erasing another zero from his paycheck.


Dear Hunter,

Okay, so I've been drinking the Stinger, just like you say in the ads. In fact, I drink a six pack every day. I haven't slept in a week and I'm starting to urinate neon colors. When the hell do I get the strippers and the army of bees? Cause if I don't get those bees, man, I'm suing your ass for false advertising....

buzzzzzzzzzzzz

Dear buzz, much like Chris Jericho thinking he ever has a shot at the world title again, you have it all wrong. Y2Stinger is actually just Red Bull and paint thinner. The way you command the bees is by lacing your Stinger with LSD, and then I guarantee you will feel the sting. The strippers come naturally when you're main event material, which you are not. I am the Game, and I am that... damn... high. Now if you'll excuse me, it's time to go make love to Giant, er... I mean Stephanie again. See you next week, jerkoffs.

Final Thought

That's all for this week's column. Next week I won't have a stupid old PPV to talk about, so I can finally unload my thoughts on Smackdown! in general, much like I did with RAW previously. I'm sure my opinion will upset someone, but hey, you can't win them all. I'm glad to see that 'Ask Triple-H' has taken off with a positive response, but I proceed cautiously as last time I actually received more emails submitting questions for Triple-H than I did actual column feedback, but that's cool. Whatever gets people reading is fine by me. Until next time, peeps.

-Snapple


*Triple-H may or may not be really answering emails.

SEND ME SOME FEEDBACK! happydude5000@msn.com

Questions for Triple-H should include the phrase "Ask Triple-H" in the subject header.

Click to order the greatest book you don't own, Wrestlecrap: The Book!








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