The Rant of the Week: Hell has frozen over
Submitted by Phantom Lord on Friday, September 26, 2003 at 6:59 PM EST



Greetings conversationalists all across the fruited plain, it is I your personal Harvester of Sorrow Phantom Lord and this is the often imitated but never duplicated Rant of the Week. I should have foreseen the troubling events this week after watching the 55th Annual Emmy Awards. I mean when James Gandolfini won over Keifer Sutherland for Best Actor in a Dramatic series and The West Wing won over 24 for Best Drama, I should of known something bad was going to happen this week and boy did it ever. For once it wasn’t RAW that bothered me. I enjoyed RAW this week. The Coach and Al Snow were a refreshing change for the show. Lita continued to wow me with her comeback and her new choice ring attire. Teddy Long stole the show with his Presidential run promo. The Democrats could use someone as charismatic as Teddy Long, but the thought of Rodney Mack as the Sec. Of State and Mizark Henry as the Sec. of Defense is very scary. Not because they would be all tough, but because they’d be the sole reason any would be terrorist nation could actually kick our ass. I mean Mark Henry is the laziest guy in the WWE. It pissed me off that he squashed Tommy Dreamer in 55 seconds. I mean Tommy has done more in one month in the business then Mark will do in his entire career. But that is not what bothered me this week. What bothered me was the end of Smackdown. They gave us a great wrestling show for the first hour and forty minutes, but the last segment damn near ruined all of it.

Vince McMahon vs. Stephanie McMahon in an I Quit match. I would like to know what drugs Vince and the rest of the creative team are on so I can avoid them. Lesnar vs. Undertaker will probably be a nice old school brawl…but Vince vs. Stephanie??? WHAT THE FUCK??? I mean this is going to be worse then a joke. If you thought Stephanie vs. Sable was bad, you ain’t seen anything yet. Ok we all know The Billion Dollar Princess needs to take time off so she and Triple H can get hitched…I can live with that. Triple H is a scumbag, but every one deserves a happy marriage. They probably do really love each other, but this shit is bringing the company down around them. But back to the matter at hand, Vince will be taking on his daughter in the featured match of the evening on the next pay per view. Does anyone else see a problem with that picture? Well since I called that match a couple of weeks ago, I figure I shall spare you the reader the horror of ordering the ppv and watching that match. This is what will exactly happen (Note, if it does not happen that is not my problem).

Match will start with Vince posing while Stephanie looks scared outside on the ring. Sable will taunt her and Stephanie will cower into the ring while Vince continues to pose. Stephanie will muster some courage and smack her daddy and then Vince will push her to the match and give her the “I’M VINCE MCMAHON DAMN IT” speech while she looks all afraid. After a couple more minutes, I gather A-Train or some other Vince lackey will come out and destroy Stephanie and just before Vince gets her to say I quit, The Undertaker will come out and destroy Vince allowing Stephanie to get the fluke win. The following Thursday on Smackdown, Vince will just fire Stephanie and she will leave and then come back a couple months later probably with Triple H so he can get his rumored face push since that is the only way in hell he would ever pull off being a face again.

Man, I feel drained typing all of that. But I figure that is what exactly will happen since they are just itching to reunite Triple H and Stephanie on TV and this logically would be a great reason to do it. Say she turned to him while she was gone and they got re-married. People would buy an excuse that dumb. Besides once he’s married to her, I kinda doubt Triple H would suddenly become Billy Kidman and let his wife become someone else’s girlfriend.

But all of this got me thinking the other day while I was on the train coming home. It dawned on me that Hell is indeed freezing over if this is going to be the big feud for the next pay per view. If Hell is freezing over, then Satan is pissed. So I’m going to give to you my reader’s some parody action. I now give you Satan’s meeting with Vince McMahon.

McMahon’s Secretary: Mr. McMahon, you have a visitor.

Vince: Damn It, I’m busy…Who the hell is it.

McMahon’s Secretary: The Prince of Darkness sir.

Vince: Why would The Undertaker want to see me? Can’t he use a phone?

McMahon’s Secretary: No sir, it’s The Prince of Darkness.

Vince takes a big gulp causing his Adams apple to bounce

Vince: Well I guess you should send him in.

Satan enters Vince’s office and he takes a seat

Satan: Hello Vince, It’s been a while. I think the last time we met under these circumstances was around the height of the Monday night wars when you begged me for a way to top Nitro and I gave you that Austin/McMahon gem.

Vince looks very nervous and Satan notices his eye look towards the floor. Satan stands up and raises his arms causing Vince’s desk to rise off the floor exposing Sable who is earning her pay check

Satan: Hello Rena, I see that favor I did for you is paying off. Say could you give me a few minutes with Vince, we need to talk.

Sable: I’ll see you later…

Sable takes off running and Vince gets up to fix himself when he takes a hostile tone with Satan

Vince: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING. I’M VINCE MCMAHON DAMN IT…

Satan drops the table and forces Vince back into his seat

Satan: Sit down, shut up, and listen to what I have to say. I saw Smackdown spoilers and noticed you’ve booked yourself and Stephanie in an I Quit match and I must say you’ve done the impossible. Not only have you caused your company to go down the toilet since it has come to this, but Hell is freezing over. The Lake of Fire is now completely frozen. Do you realize the effect your having on the world? Of course you don’t…your ego blinds you. I think I should take your soul right now to balance things out, but I won’t.

Vince: What do you want from me?

Satan: I want you to continue on this path, but just remember once The one you call Triple H and Stephanie consummate their marriage, your company is doomed. You could book Me vs. Jesus at Wrestlemania 20 and it still wouldn’t save the path you are now on. What happened to WCW is nothing compared to what will happen to this company.

Vince: I CAN CHANGE…I REALLY CAN. I’ll push WCW guys. I’ll fire Mark Henry…I’LL SIGN STING…

Satan: Zip it Vince, it’s over. Enjoy what you have created. No if you’ll excuse me, I must go back the Frozen Lake of Fire. The 76’ Philadelphia Flyers are beating the hell out of The 9/11 Hijackers…it’s quite fun seeing those pussy’s get their ass handed to them over and over.

Satan snaps his fingers and disappears into a plume of smoke. Sgt. Slaughter hears the explosion and comes running

Slaughter: I heard an explosion sir, I thought maybe the VC were trying a counter offensive...

The shot fades as Vince slams his head onto his desk as Sgt. Slaughter seeks out the illusive Vietnamese

I hope you enjoyed that parody. I figured instead of doing a whole thing on doom and gloom, why not bring a little humor into the situation. While it could be argued that Vince really did sell his soul at some point in the last few years, one thing is for certain. The WWE is now charging down the same path WCW did towards the end. I honestly believe they will struggle into WM 20 and if that show is not the biggest of all time, they will die a painful death some time after that.

You know what the WWE really needs right now? It needs WCW back. Turn RAW in WCW and maybe they will be able to dodge the huge bullet Vince has just fired with him vs. Stephanie on Pay Per View. I have hope for The Goldberg era since it started off fairly well on RAW. Have Bischoff find some loophole allowing him to rename the company WCW. From there make RAW and Smackdown feud with each other. Not in the sense of RAW vs. Smackdown talent, but have them steal each other’s wrestlers and try to top each other week after week. I guarantee that will be more interesting then “When is The Game coming back” or “Can Vince screw over Stephanie again”. But then again it’s not all-bad, I mean at least we didn’t see the start of the incest angle I figured Vince would go for with Stephanie. But you have to guess it’s only a matter of time before Vince holds Stephanie in a very compromising position or makes her do something dirty as punishment. Don’t forget he gave the ok to have her felt up by a couple of strippers on Pay Per View last year. This I Quit match could very well lead into that direction.

I just read that Wrestlemania 20 had sold out in 5 minutes, so for those of you who think you can use that excuse to doubt my theory…your wrong. Here’s how things work in New York for big shows at Madison Square Garden. Ticket Brokers buy up all of the good tickets thanks to a working arrangement they have with Ticketmaster. The only seats the real wrestling fans will be able to buy if they are lucky are nosebleed seats. I've had nosebleed seats for wrestling before, everything is real small from that high up. Wrestlemania might pull in a lot of money up front, but if it’s still a piss poor show on paper, then it will be a failure over all.

Well I believe that is it for this week. As usual I welcome all feedback from you the readers. I hope I’m wrong with my predictions, but I have a sense for these sort of things and all things point for Doom for Vince and the WWE.

Until next time, Take care.

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