The Rant of the Week: Women's Wrestling and other blunders
Submitted by Phantom Lord on Saturday, September 20, 2003 at 5:31 PM EST



Greetings conversationalists all across the fruited plain, it is I your personal Harvester of Sorrow Phantom Lord…and this is my Rant of the Week. I’m guess by the lack of feedback from last weeks column I really struck a nerve with you the reading audience. Well a couple of you gave me high praise for my comments saying it needed to be said while others felt I had the typical arrogant American view. I am an Arrogant American and I damn proud of that. But this is a wrestling column and I will be calling it like I see it as always. But before I do that I must comment on the passing of two American icons. One death we knew was coming and the other was so unexpected that I am still in shock from it. I am of course speaking of the deaths of Johnny Cash and John Ritter. If you saw the video for “Hurt” by Johnny Cash earlier this year, it was damn near him telling the whole world he would be gone soon. Two weeks after MTV robbed him of the “Best Video of the Year”; Mr. Cash finally passed onto the other side where he is no doubtedly reunited with his beloved June. Paul Harvey said it best on his news and views while talking about his death. “Anyone who knew June and Johnny knew they could never be separated for long”. Very fitting words for a couple that was deeply in love till the very end.

But after I heard that on the radio the next story caught me way off guard. “Comedian John Ritter dead at the age of 54 from an apparent heart problem”. I mean if you want to talk about shocking news, it does not get any more shocking then that. Ritter was once again in his comedic prime on “8 Simple Rules…” and just like that he got taken away. Death’s like his make you wonder how cruel life can be especially since he died on his 5 year old daughters birthday and the next day was his wife’s. I mean we all grew up watching his work at some point. I can’t really say anything that hasn’t been all ready said, but I know this. When 8 Simple Rules comes back on after they figure out how to do the death episode, that show deal with his death will be hard to watch. The last time I shed a tear watching a tv show was when Nurse Lucy Knight on ER died. This episode will be no different. But we must move on and remember all the great memories they left us with. With that in mind…On to the Rant.

RAW this week was pretty cut and paste as it usually is, but one moment at least made part of it seem interesting. Lita made her return after well over a year on the shelf from a broken neck she received on the set of “Dark Angel”. There was only one way to describe how she looked and that is “SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKIN”. She came in and saved Trish Stratus from a 2 on 1 beating from Molly Holly and Gail Kim. She spiked Molly with a very crisp DDT and powerbombed the hell out of the lovely Ms. Kim and then to cap it off she gave Molly a Twist of Fate onto Gail Kim. Jim Ross said it was “shade’s of Matt Hardy”, but the execution was pure Jeff Hardy. But she looks a hell of a lot better then he does so I’ll let it slide. But what pissed me off was the fact the WWE pissed her return away on a freaking run-in. I mean you could have built it up that Trish was bringing in a mystery partner at the ppv. Judging by the pop Lita got, that should have happened…but when have we ever known the WWE to do anything logical. I suspect Lita will be turning heel on Trish at the ppv to continue the stupid “Everyone is jealous of Trish” angle. Why they are jealous I shall never know. I mean Molly, Gail, and Lita are hotter then Trish so that cant be it. They are better wrestlers then her so that sure as hell isn’t it. Ah I know what it is, Trish gets all the attention because she has the puppies. Well that makes sense…::Rolls Eyes::.

I mean this is the biggest problem with the WWE Women’s division. Ok so they have hot chicks that can beat the hell out of each other. Other then that why should we watch? It goes back to my “Phantom saves the WWE” column. I said the only way to save the women’s division is to turn Sunday Night Heat into the exclusive home for WWE Women’s wrestling. There is an audience for Women’s wrestling that is more then horny teenage males looking for spanking material. It’s like I said. Use Heat to build new angles and bring in new talent. The WWE went out and signed Alexis Laree and her first appearance on WWE tv is in the background of an A.P.A poker game. She made a name for herself in Ring of Honor and NWA-TNA. I never got a chance to see any of her R.O.H work, but in TNA she was something special. She can hit top rope moves on large men with great ease and I loved her punk chick look as a member of Raven’s Gathering. Knowing the WWE they will have her use her original gimmick from TNA as a badass chick because in the WWE if you’re not a blonde, then you’re a brunette who hates blondes. It’s sad but very true. That’s about all the WWE writing team can come up with. Non-Blondes hate Blondes. An age-old stereotype that will never die. In any event, one of two things will happen on the ppv in the match between Trish/Lita vs. Molly/Gail. Trish and Lita win in convincing fashion or Lita turns on Trish because Trish stole her spot in the company. It’s so predictable, it’s sad. But hey with only a couple days worth of hype you get what you pay for.

Speaking of a couple days worth of hype, Unforgiven is on this weekend. I can’t say that I’m watching it because once again there is no way I would shell out $34.95 for such a weak pay per view. I mean when a tag team match to decide who will commentate on RAW is your featured match of the evening, I think it’s time to call for help. The only thing I would even want to watch for is to see if Lita wear’s the same outfit from Monday night. Those shorts and stockings were so her, But back to the pay per view. We have Triple H vs. Goldberg and Triple H is taking time off to bring his plan of domination in the WWE full circle by marrying Stephanie McMahon…so we know Goldberg is winning. Again if I was booking I would have Goldberg destroy him in like then 90 seconds. Goldberg has been made to look weak since his arrival in the company. Wanna know why he was so good to watch on Nitro? Because you were going to see someone get run over by him. Goldberg needs to do the same here. Send Triple H packing so RAW has a chance to become something worth a damn till Triple H comes back and wins the title at The Survivor Series.

As for the Commentators tag match, I say give it Snow and The Coach. I was all wrong about The Coach’s heel turn because it has been pretty damn hilarious and his work with Al Snow has only capped it off. As much as I respect The King and Good OL’ Jr, they have become so stale and predictable it’s not even funny. RAW with two heel commentators would make other wise shitty matches entertaining to watch. I mean The Coach saying Mark Henry is a gifted athlete would be all the funnier because we would know he was lying. I’ll touch on Mizark Henry later in this column. The only other good thing about having them as commentators would be letting The King wrestle full time. Jerry Lawler is still a huge draw and Vince McMahon ordered he not wrestle on the MLW War Games card because he views them as competition (never mind the fact he allowed Lawler to do an entire angle with ECW in 1997 that ended with him fighting Tommy Dreamer on PPV). The King gets one of the loudest reactions on RAW…why not use that. RAW is in desperate need for face’s that are over. The King said in an interview that he would love to wrestle more on WWE TV. And if you need any more convincing, The Piledriver will always get people to rise to their feet and mark out. I say all of that would work.

The only matches on this pay per view that will be worth a damn are Randy Orton vs. Shawn Michaels and Christian vs. Chris Jericho vs. Rob Van Damn for the Intercontinental title. Orton vs. HBK should be a good match because Shawn can make anyone look like a million dollars in the ring. If Orton does not beat him cleanly then all that Legend Killer stuff will have been for nothing. In the Triple Threat match I expect Rob Van Dam to come out on top. If they were smart it would lead into a nice feud with Chris Jericho since I highly doubt Jericho will be moving to the main event anytime soon. But then again RVD vs. Christian would be just as good if we end up getting a Jericho vs. Austin match in the near future. You know they are building up to that one since it would be a fitting way for Austin to have one last great match and pass the proverbial torch to Jericho all the same night. But on this night, RVD should win. The title needs someone like RVD who is way over with the crowd to re-spark interest in it. Screw the backstage politics, it’s time to do something we the fans want to see. Rob Van Dam as Intercontinental Champion is just that. Give him a real long title run. Not on the scale of his ECW World TV Title run, but maybe till Wrestlemania. That would work nicely…but this is the WWE. When do they ever do the right thing.

As I promised I’m now going to speak about Mark Henry. Let me Holla at ya playas. Jim Ross made what probably is the worst comment of his entire broadcasting career when he said the following on RAW this week. “Mark Henry is the most gifted and powerful 400 lb athlete in the world today”. Bull Flop is what I say. Hey Jr, ever here of this other big man named VADER? Big Van Vader dominated WCW till the orange goblin showed up and even then he still was the best big man on the planet. Calling Mark Henry an athlete is an insult to real athletes everywhere. I’m a fatass and I’m in better shape then Mark Henry. Why he is getting the push he has on RAW is mind numbing. He is not ever with the crowd and you can hear that by the sounds of pins dropping when he wrestles. I shouldn’t even say wrestle because Mark Henry does not wrestle. He clubs people and then falls on top of them. If we ever need to wonder why Vince McMahon’s sanity should be called in question, Mark Henry’s signing is one example. Ok so Vince thought it would be a good idea to sign an Olympic athlete to use as some press back in 96. But Mark Henry injured himself before the games and all that hype was for nothing. Mark Henry is a very clumsy person in the ring. Two Weeks ago he went for that move where he almost killed a guy by sliding through the middle turnbuckle and onto the floor and he did it wrong and almost broke his leg on the ring apron. Vince do us all a favor, give this fatass a buyout and spare us of another 3 years of the worlds fattest man who pretends to be a power lifter. But sadly I think Mark probably has a guaranteed title run in his contract, so watch Goldberg job the title to him. But Jr, you could make up for calling Mark Henry the best big man in the world by signing Vader. Your head of talent, RAW needs Vader. He looked great on NWA-TNA earlier this year. So higher Vader and Fire Mark Henry. That’s a fair trade off we can live with.

Speaking of NWA-TNA, while they didn’t have a great show this week it still managed to top RAW. All I can say about the Raven/Shane Douglas match is should I ever decide to loose my Chris Jericho length hair, I am not having Father James Mitchell shave my head. Raven ended up bleeding more from the hair trimmer then he did from his original blade job in the match. It should be fun to see Raven next week. If you thought he was depressed before, wait till he’s comes out bald.

TNA also needs to bring back Teddy Hart. So the kid has an attitude problem…WORK AROUND IT. He is a great talent and he should not be squandered. The X-division needs a guy who can fly like him and sell a move like a Hart. I mean you have Juvi, Chris Sabin, Frankie Kazarian, and Michael Shane. Those are the five you want to build a division around.

Well I guess that is it for this week. I’m not ordering the pay per view and I suggest you do the same. Until next time, take care.


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