Wrestling in a Bottle: We Hype Unforgiven + First Edition of 'Ask Triple-H'
Submitted by Snapple on Saturday, September 20, 2003 at 1:21 AM EST



Hello beverage fanatics, and welcome to another edition of Wrestling in a Bottle, the only column with more notoriety than a red-headed step-child reunion. I'm Snapple. Today, I was going to bring you my 'State of Smackdown Address,' and as promised, I will deliver it, but not this week. See, with all the hullabaloo going on, I had totally forgotten that Unforgiven was this coming Sunday. For some reason, I thought it was next week, so I'm switching around my schedule. This week I'll do Unforgiven predictions, and then next week I'll follow up with my Smackdown report. Get it? Got it? Good.

Plus, this week sports the first ever edition of 'Ask Triple-H.' Stay tuned for that.

Unforgiven Predictions

I'm going to be honest. Of all the PPVs so far this year, I'm looking forward to this one the least of all, because there's not really any 'must-see' matches on the card that I can think of, and a lot of it just leaves me with a gross taste in my mouth. Well, I do have a responsibility as a fan, a writer, and runner of the LOPforums prediction contest to watch the show anyway. And hey, if I'm surprised and it ends up being good, I'll praise it next week for sure. Let's get to the match breakdown at any rate.

Scott Steiner vs. Test
This has got to be the most ridiculously long feud in the WWE. Hell, it's the longest running feud of 2003. You might say Brock vs. Kurt is the longest feud, but they took a break for many months and then became friends before feuding again. Meanwhile, the Steiner-Test storyline has been going on since not long after Wrestlemania. Yes, it really has been that long. But why? Why is it still going? Back before Bad Blood, I actually praised the Test-Steiner feud for its build up, given the obvious flaws of both men. However, this stupid feud WON'T DIE, and the fans have stopped caring about both men by now. Also, as absolutely broken down as Steiner has gotten in the ring, I thought the first Steiner-Test match was actually decent, and sadly a contender for the best match at Bad Blood. So, the re-rematch could end up being good too. I have a feeling lightning won't strike twice, but I could be wrong. At this point, I really think both of these men are being held back by a stale feud, but on the other hand, both would benefit from having Stacy. So the question is, who does the WWE want to put over? I think it's Test, since he's young and potentially has a future, but he was put into the doghouse after an incident leading into No Way Out, so I can't say for certain.
Snapple's Pick: Test

Shawn Michaels vs. Randy Orton
I've heard a lot of people creaming over this match as if it could be a showstealer that will make or break Unforgiven. That may be so, but how can you say that for sure? Randy Orton has never been tested in a real match of any respectable length. Personally, I have no idea how he'll do. Last year, I couldn't stand Randy "I fuck up every finisher I touch" Orton. His style was bland, and his greenness was easily noticable. The WWE's plan to turn him heel by shoving him down our throats as a blue chipper was interesting, but Randy Orton is NOT the Rock. However, I was one of the minority who really dug the RNN updates. I thought they were funny, especially the Christmas one. When Orton came back, he had TREMENDOUS heel heat, and honestly I was starting to like him. His one and only match before getting injured again was a long tag match that involved him and Booker T doing most of the brawling with each other, and I actually was enjoying the way Orton was working. However, then the Dudleys injured him, and by the time he came back, his heel heat was gone. Even I feel like his push is way too forced now, and his matches have been mediocre at best. As for this match at Unforgiven in particular, where the Hell has this feud been? This match was scheduled originally for Summerslam, which means it's now been TWO months these guys were supposed to be building a match. The feud's been lame, and the worst thing of all is that I have the gut feeling Shawm Michaels is about to put this kid over, and I have no idea why. HBK and Jericho feuded for months, and the retired wrestler refused to put Jericho over at Wrestlemania. So why should Orton get any better? I don't get it, not at all. My opinion of Randy Orton will be made or broken based solely on this match.
Snapple's Pick: Randy Orton

Trish Stratus & Lita vs. Molly Holly & Gail Kim
Okay, I'm not expecting too much out of this match. I support the women's division fully, but Gail Kim has enough trouble working a five minute match. She'll die on a PPV. Of course, Molly is always a solid worker, and Trish can make a match, even if her style isn't flashy. Lita will probably be her spotty old self, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I think Lita could put on a great program with Molly over the women's belt. The women's division needs a new top face SO BAD, and I am a Lita fan. She could be a refreshing breeze to the women's division. Coincidentally, I was checking WWE.com for something I can't remember, and the poll of the day was "Who will win the women's match at Unforgiven?" I believe it was a whopping 92% of the polled audience who said it would be Trish and Lita to do it. As predictable as that may be, I would hate to think that the WWE would pull a curveball just for the sake of being unpredictable. Do the predictable thing and give Lita a strong win in her return match. I'm beggin' ya, WWE.
Snapple's Pick: Trish & Lita

Bubba, D-Von, & Spike Dudley vs. La Resistance & Rob Conway
I don't really think it matters who wins this match, as there aren't any tag titles on the line or anything. Just the idea that the WWE are continuing this feud after that horrible Summerslam match just shows you how bleak the tag scene on RAW is right now. This will technically be Conway's second WWE match, although the first one was about 15 seconds long as he beat the injured Spike with a neckbreaker. Grenier was injured by the Dudleys at a houseshow (How many people have the Dudleys injured anyway?), so I expect Dupree and Conway to do most of the heel work in this match, which is a good thing considering Grenier is without a doubt the weakest link in that team. The Dudleys can't look impressive against crap like La Resistance, so I'm not expecting much. I believe (or hope to believe) that La Resistance will win this war, so to even things out, let the Dudleys win the battle. Other than that, I'm most curious to how Conway will work out, since I'm unfamiliar with his style entirely.
Snapple's Pick: Those Damn Dudleys

Shane McMahon vs. Kane
I weep for this feud. It could've been SO good, and I usually do enjoy Shane McMahon feuds, heel or face. However, it's been marred by shitty, shitty sports entertainment. Electrocuted testicles and flaming dumpsters do not usually spell my idea of a good time, and yet Vince thinks this is what the fans want to see. Theoretically, this feud should've recaptured the magic of the Shane-Angle feud, with the untrained Shane standing up to the semi-main eventer. It worked before. Hey, why not again? Well, one thing this feud does is slowly build up some steam for Kane before he's ready for the main event. Also, by beating Shane he doesn't have to squash an actual wrestler on the way up. Well... except for Rob Van Dam, but that was a feud that needed to happen, even if the cage match did make RVD look weak. If you think Shane is going to win a Last Man Standing match, I really have to wonder what you're smoking, but that's not the point. People criticize Shane for taking wrestlers' spots when he decides to wrestle, but Vince is so much worse. Sure, Shane isn't a trained mat worker, but he knows how to entertain the audience, or have them hate him, depending on what the situation calls for. Just look at Vince though. Unlike Shane with his highspots, Vince has NO redeeming value as a wrestler, and yet he books himself in ten times as many matches as Shane. Hell, Shane hasn't been a regular on TV in almost two years, so I say cut the kid some slack, and let him put Kane over as a big bad monster. The one thing I expect from Shane McMahon matches is the unexpected. Hopefully, this match won't let me down. Although, I can't think of how Shane could possibly top the stunts he's pulled in the past. If this ends up being a straight up wrestling match, it will suck. Hopefully though, it'll be much better.
Snapple's Pick: Kane

Intercontinental Championship: Christian (c) vs. Chris Jericho vs. Rob Van Dam
I think I could give myself a migraine trying to figure out why this match is on the card. First of all, Christian and Jericho aren't feuding with each other, they're feuding with Austin. Not only that, but it's been a great feud! It's one of the best booked things on RAW right now, except it can't go anywhere unless Austin actually WRESTLES. So, we're one week before the PPV, and Jericho, Christian, and RVD all don't have matches. Whoops. So some nonsense match between RVD and Jericho is booked to make this three way for the PPV. I really and honestly don't understand why that happened, but it did. Plus, the old "Champion causes a double-disqualification to make a triple-threat" trick is so overplayed, it's not even funny. RVD has nothing to do with Christian, Jericho, or Austin, so I fail to see why he's here other than to give the match a babyface for the people to cheer. HOWEVER, regardless of the retarded booking, I can almost guarantee this WILL be the match of the night, if it's given enough time to develop. Christian-Jericho was a great match. Christian-RVD was a great match, and Jericho-RVD was a great match (not the last one, but the one before Summerslam or any of their other bouts). So these three clearly have chemistry with each other. Let's see if that chemistry holds together on Sunday. Oh, and as for predictions, I believe Jericho is above the IC title, and RVD's reputation is too damaged to win it at this juncture, so Christian will overcome the odds to retain the belt.
Snapple's Pick: Christian

Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler vs. Jonathan Coachman & Al Snow
I really hate the WWE booking. When a split-brand PPV allows more people from the roster to have matches, do they take advantage of that by giving spots to Goldust or the Hurricane? No, they don't. They make stuff like this. Even if Coach and JR stay out of the ring most of the time, I can't help but wonder how anything can save this match. And who was the genius who said Al Snow should be a heel? Al Snow should always be a face, but maybe that's me. Anyway, Coach should never be allowed near an announce table, let alone be the play-by-play announcer for every RAW. The faces will go over, of course.
Snapple's Pick: The Old Guys

World Heavyweight Championship: Triple-H (c) vs. Goldberg
Okay, let's get this over with. In case it hasn't been made clear in the past, I am not a fan of Goldberg. I don't like his "wrestling" style, his attitude, the way he's pushed, anything like that. However, Triple-H needs to drop the title. It has to happen. Unfortunately, it's not to the person I wanted him to drop it to. Like I said last week, Trips' reign is a joke because all of his feuds have been crap. Moreover, the reason I know Triple-H always wins is because his opponents are never built up properly. Look at Booker T, who hadn't wrestled a PPV singles match in probably nine months when he was called up to headline Wrestlemania. Nash came back from injury and was instantly feuding over the world title. All these opponents had crappy build. Goldberg is the only person Triple-H has faced on RAW that's been built up low and slow to a world title win. That's why I know he'll win. Even if this "If you lose, you quit" shit hadn't been added to basically tell us exactly who will win, I knew Goldbderg would walk out with the title. The aggravating thing is that they could've done this proper build up with ANY of Triple-H's past contenders, but they didn't. It could've been Jericho, or RVD, or Booker T, or even Nash or Steiner for that matter. No, it's Goldberg. It pisses me off, too. Ah well. Triple-H needs to drop the title regardless, because his reign is shitty and his character has been stale for about a year.
Snapple's Pick: Goldberg

What Chris Nowinski Did This Week

Finally an update! This past week, WWE.com did an interview with Nowinski to get caught up on his current status with his injury. You can read that HERE.

Basically, Nowinski confirms his post-concussive disorder and talks in detail about how he's handling his time during this sidelining. Also, he says that he received his initial concussion during a houseshow match against the Dudley Boys. Wow! That's the third time JUST in this column I've mentioned the Dudleys seriously injuring someone. Damn you, Dudleys! You're a menace!

Anyway, I thought it was really cool that Nowinski tried to work through a serious concussion, even working a 20-minute table match, and then later on RAW. Sure, maybe it wasn't the smartest thing, but I'm convinced that Nowinski is a real team player.

I'm actually put at ease by the story, as it also in not so many words tries to describe Nowinski's injury as not as permanent or detrimental as Bret Hart's condition, which is good news. Nowinski will definitely return to the ring, then. The only question is how long it will take.

Pieces of Randomness: Ask Triple-H

HHH: Hello, wrestling fans, and welcome to the first edition of 'Ask Triple-H.' This is my opportunity to give something back to the faceless 12-year olds... er, I mean the internet wrestling community. Of course, seeing as how I am the greatest celebrity in the history of mankind, I received more emails than you people have foodstamps, and that's a lot. Let's answer the first email.

Dear Triple H,

Why is your nose so big? Did you get plastic surgery done, or is it natural? Or is it another side effect of all the 'roids?
By the way, your fiancée looks like Chyna.

~Quadriceps

HHH: First of all, Vince does NOT look like Chyna. I don't even see a slight resemblance, so just shut your mouth.

Secondly, you people aren't thinking the right way. It's not that my nose is too big. Everyone else's nose isn't big enough. You see, there are certain things you need to know to get ahead in this business, and I have a nose for the business. The small-nosers think they're so great, but just look at small-nosed people throughout history. Hitler, small nose. Lex Luther, small nose. Janet Reno, small nose. All of these evil people had small noses, which just goes to prove that if everyone would act more like me, then maybe they might get an inkling of my fame and glory.

If a small-nosed man so much as looked at me funny, I swear to Flair Almighty that I'll Pedigree Rob Van Dam's ass right down to HeAT.

Triple H can/could you please kick Snapple's ass so bad and break both of his
arms so he can not write his stupid little column on LOP????? What you think
Spapple? Could Triple H do me that favor so you can finally shut your HHH hating
ass up!!!!!!

XrealgameX8

HHH: As great as an idea that is, realgame, I have to inform you that *I* am the real Game around here, and you will be hearing from my lawyers for your fraudulent scheme. Also, just because you've pissed me off, I'm going to erase another zero from Rob Van Dam's paycheck.

As for Snapple, he hasn't earned the right to get buried by me yet. There is a method to everything, and I have to wait until Snapple and his little column get popular and threaten to steal my spotlight before I Pedigree his ass back to the midcard.

You whiny internet people are starting to get on my nerves. That's all for this week.

Final Thought

Well that's all for this week. I hope everyone enjoys Unforgiven, and if you're not enjoying it, try drinking. That may help. Hopefully, I'll have room to talk about Smackdown next week, as I can hardly believe I'm writing this the day after an Iron Man match without even talking about it. At any rate, take care until next time.

-Snapple

Send me feedback! Please? happydude5000@msn.com

Questions for Triple-H should include the phrase "Ask Triple-H" in the subject header.

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