The Rant of the Week: No Cure for Stupidity
Submitted by Phantom Lord on Sunday, August 24, 2003 at 3:18 AM EST



Greetings conversationalists all across the fruited plain, it is I your personal Harvester of Sorrow Phantom Lord and this is my Rant of the Week. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I can’t wait for winter. It’s like an over here in New York City. Ah well at least with winter will come those nice 100 MPH wind gust’s instead of hot stale air that hardly moves. It’s been a week since the blackout and just as I predicted, everyone has forgotten about it. It doesn’t matter if it was caused by an E.M.P or maybe a simple overload and chain reaction as everyone would like you to believe. The power came back on and that’s all we care about. Ah well, it’s one of those days and I’m not in a really cheerful mood, so you’ve been warned in advance. If anyone has been sending me feedback over the last week, I probably did not receive it due to the worm that is making it’s away across the net. According to AOL, if you get mail sent back to you that you know you did not send that does not mean you have the virus. Basically someone who has your e-mail address has an infected computer and when they send you mail that unknowingly try to pass the virus off to you. But AOL and other companies manage to block the virus. But as Tito said in his column, unless you asked for a file to be sent…don’t open it. It’s common sense people. Unfortunately not enough people in this miserable little world do use it and that’s why this thing is spreading like the plague. Ah well enough of the pleasant stuff…ON TO THE RANT

I don’t plan to do any to do any predictions for Summerslam, but here’s a good idea of what will happen. I’ll say this is for certain. Shane vs. Bischoff will suck, Undertaker will no sell all the A-Train’s offense, Kurt and Brock will have an epic bloodbath, and Triple H will somehow manage to remain the World Heavyweight Champion despite the fact Chris Jericho is very much deserving of a title run. Look for the Fatal Four Way for the United States title to steal the show. Your lord and savior Eddie Guerrero will most likely win this one. The Frenchies will probably retain the tag titles even though neither of them deserves to be on tv right now. If I forgot any other matches, I’m sorry but nothing about this show is telling me I must order it. As good as Brock vs. Kurt and the Fatal Four way will be, there is no way this ppv is worth $34.95.

Speaking of ordering ppv’s, I read an interesting article the other day. Vengeance received just about a quarter of a million buys or a .42 buyrate which is supposedly the lowest since an In Your House event headlined with Bret vs. Sid. Now Brock vs. Kurt vs. Big Show and Eddie vs. Benoit were great matches but let’s see. What got the lionshare of the promoting? Was it the finals of the United States title? Nope. Was it The triple threat world title match? Not a chance. Oh yeah, Vince vs. Zach and Sable vs. Stephanie got the bulk of the promoting. Notice a pattern here? The good matches got shit on while the boss once again stroked his ego over the good of the entire company. I’ll admit I enjoyed Stephanie vs. Sable since it provided many nice body shots of both lovely ladies and I really enjoyed Vince vs. Zach since I don’t like Gowen and that chair shot that opened up Vince brought a smile to my face. But neither match deserved the hype it got so it’s no wonder that very few people bothered to order this ppv. Of course Vince will see this as a sign that he must inject himself into even more television because after all only he and members of his family are what we the common fans want to see. My head almost exploded this week because of the McMahon-O-Mania this week. I mean first off we did not really need to see Eric Bischoff imply that he was going to rape Linda McMahon. Well to his credit he did a great job, but Linda can’t act for shit. She was reading off of a prompter (A prompter is a screen attached to a television camera that feeds the person reading off of it they’re lines) and she still managed to screw up. Linda has no business ever being in front of a camera as an on air character. This week was further proof of that. I’m dreading seeing RAW next week. I can only imagine that Shane is gonna walk into his mother’s bedroom right as Uncle Eric finished doing the deed. Of course Linda and her comatose like screen presence will probably just lie there as Shane attempts to kill Eric. Once again I have to ask this question. Is Vince McMahon on crack? We can blame the writing team all we want but in the end he is the Executive Producer of the show. He has to give his ok to every last frame we see on tv. Does he honestly think this stuff makes for compelling television?

It really makes you wonder what is going through his mind. I mean I know I have my fair share of mental problems, but I’m normal compared to Vince. He’s a sadist for starters. He enjoys having big men beat the living snot out of smaller men…especially in front of their families. Now I must admit, I enjoyed the beating Lesnar gave Gowen. But this whole thing with Vince using Brock to be his monster does nothing other then steal the heat off of Lesnar. Brock is with out a doubt going to be the next Vader. He does not need Vince leeching off of him because he thinks that people like seeing Vince using people to do his dirty work. I mean if you want proof that Vince is in serious denial about how much we the fans respond to him, if you can get a hold of this weeks Smackdown listen to all of the dubbed in chants. I mean it was so bad that my father who usually doesn’t pick up on this stuff noticed them. Speaking as someone who actually knows how to edit, who ever did those dubs should be fired. It was ridiculous how out of place some of them where. It’s stuff like this that drives me mad folks. I mean here we have a company that has pissed away close to $700 million in its total value in under three years. I know that if I were a stockholder in the WWE I would be demanding McMahon’s head on a spike. But hey, I’ve only been a fan of the company’s for the last 20 or so years. What right do I have to criticize them when it’s clear McMahon-Land is the Titanic and they are headed right for the Iceberg. It’s McMahon’s company. If he wants to drive it into the ground and put all of those people out of work just to meet his selfish needs, then let him.

Ah well onto something I do care about. NWA-TNA once again proved why they indeed have the best show on tv again this week. My god what a show this week. After a quick brawl by The New Church and The Gathering, we get the most original match on American soil in years. Ultimate X. Chris Sabin vs. Michael Shane vs. Frankie Kazarian in what could easily be the Match of the Year. High spots galore, Drama, blood, and lots of insane action. It’s a winning formula and TNA has figured out what Vince can’t seem to. LET THEM WRESTLE. But with that aside, once again Vince Russo and The Jarrett’s had a stellar production, as Diamond Dave would say. From start to finish this show was great. First off I really love the evil corporate character that comes so natural to Don Callis. Why the WWF never could think of anything to do with a guy like him is mind numbing. He gets more heat just by being himself then an open oven. I wonder if they are leading to a match between himself and Jerry Lynn. Callis is a Canadian Legend to the best of my understanding, so come go time he wouldn’t be the scared yuppie executive. The show kept rolling along with a double bullrope match between America’s Most Wanted and Diamond and Swinger. Why Diamond and Swinger are not in the WWE right now is another mystery. Dawn Marie there, they are a proven tag team. One would think it would be a great combination for a tag team division that is limping along. But the Double Bullrope match was great. It could have used a little more cowbell, but it still was great. It will be interesting to see if Diamond and Swinger win next week. Either way a very solid tag feud will finally come to an end. Another great thing in the land of Total Non Stop action is “The Fallen Angel” Christopher Daniels. This man is probably the best heel around. Who doesn’t mark out when he starts preaching from The Gospel according to The Fallen Angel? Daniels once upon a time had an amazing Lightheavyweight title match on WWF Shotgun NY against Taka Michinoku. I mean after watching that match I was like this guy better be on RAW, but that never happened. McMahon had both Daniels and Styles almost in the palm of his hand and he passed on both of them. Well it’s like I say. McMahon’s blunder is TNA’s gain. The mark out moment for the night for me at least had to be when A.J. Styles and Vince Russo dressed as Freddy and Jason jumped over the barricade and handcuffed Erik Watts to the guardrails as Jeff Jarrett was drug outside and placed into a hearse. Styles and Russo looked like a couple of idiots earlier in the show when they were trying to stab Tenay and West with their plastic weapons. It was hilarious stuff and I bow to Russo and Styles for that surprise. The main event was a gauntlet for a shot at the title that came down to Shane Douglas and Raven who was your reformed junkie in peril. Raven overcame the odds and won a shot at Styles next week. It’s safe to say that is going to be a great match and most likely the masked man will be revealed.

Logic says its C.M. Punk since he and Raven are having a huge feud across the Indies. A long shot might be Mikey Whipreck or TNA can really pull a swerve and get someone no one would of thought of just like Mr. Wrestling IV turning out to be Nikita Kollof. That’s why TNA flat out owns the WWE. They have the element of surprise where the WWE has become very cut and paste in their angles and shows. The style that TNA has is the kind that the WWE should be using. It kills people in the “know” to admit this, but shoot is the new kayfabe. TNA bring a sense of reality where as the WWE wants you the view to think you are watching a Soap Opera because what ever we know to be fact (Like Billy Kidman and Torrie Wilson being husband and wife) are never admitted on WWE programming. Now maybe McMahon wants to produce shows like Passions (If you ever watch Passions, you will notice the off the wall writing in the WWE and on the show are damn near identical), but the vast majority of us tune in for WRESTLING. Not Eric Bischoff wanting to sleep with Linda McMahon. Not Vince McMahon getting off on having big men destroy little men. All we ask is for Wrestling. That’s what the second W in WWE stands for. I mean look at Summer Slam. There are two guaranteed great wrestling matches. The fatal four way and Lesnar/Angle and that is it. The rest of the show is filler material at best. It pains me to say that, but it’s the truth.

On to a lighter subject, the world of music. This week the MTV VMA’S are to take place. One it’s ironic MTV is having an awards show since they don’t actually play video’s anymore, but with that aside I feel a mistake of epic proportions will happen. Johnny Cash made with out a doubt the best video in years for his cover of the Nine Inch Nail’s classic “Hurt”. I mean watching that video is like seeing him say goodbye to he world. It’s haunting, emotional, and everything else a great music video is to be. But MTV decided to stack the deck against Cash but lumping him against 50 Cent, Eminem, Missy Elliot, and Justin Timberlake. Never mind the fact that two of those video’s do not deserve nominations when “Go with the Flow” by Queens of the Stone Age and “Seven Nation Army” by The White Stripes got shafted. But I fear Eminem or Missy Elliot are going to win. Missy Elliot makes weird videos to cover up the fact that her songs are nothing more then weird noises chopped together. Eminem won a damn Oscar. If MTV has any shred of credibility left, they will give the Video of the year to Johnny Cash. Out of the five nominated, his is the only one that will be remembered many years from now.

Ah well, despite writer’s block and my depressing nature acting up, that is it for this week. Once again don’t be shocked if Triple H retains the title. Why should an injury stop him from winning. I mean Hulk Hogan got away with defending the title once a month, I guess he can to.

Yeah…right. That’s it for this week. Once again I welcome all feedback, but because of this damn SOBIG.F virus…I doubt I’ll get much from you the readers.

Until next time, take care.

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