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Submitted by Snapple on Saturday, May 17, 2003 at 5:42 AM EST
 vs.  Hello hello hello, and welcome to a very SPECIAL edition of Wrestling in a Bottle. I'm your host with the most, Snapple. For what seems like an eternity, a battle has raged that is rocking the very foundation of wrestling itself. On one side, there is a group of people with a great passion for the sport of wrestling. These people have been called negative, critical, and just plain rude. They are the Internet Wrestling Fans, and I am one of them. Some say the internet fans love to complain, while others say they just have a passion to improve the product they watch. On the other side of the argument is the bane of almost every internet fan's existence, the one man who has had more insults thrown his way than any other wrestler in the past year than a Klansman at a gay pride parade. That man is Paul Levesque, better known to us as Triple-H. The grievances of internet fans against Triple-H has been almost endless, from claims of his holding down and even burying up-and-coming talent, to his newfound laziness in the ring, to his taking up insurmountable airtime on RAW for himself. Triple-H claims that he is completely innocent and that us fans don't know a damn thing about the business. That's where I come in. For the first time ever, Wrestling in a Bottle is welcoming a co-writer to the column. I welcome a man that better than anyone can defend Triple-H's opinion, and that's Triple-H. Triple-H is here to give his thoughts on the week in wrestling and offer his own little counterpoints to my witty observations. Yes, we are breaking new ground, folks. Completely brutal and honest, the internet and Triple-H will be interacting directly.* So without further ado, I'll let my guest writer introduce himself. Thank you, Powerade. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Hunter Hearst Helmsley, more simply known as Triple-H to you peons... er, I mean fans. I am here today to respond to show not only that I am completely about the betterment of this business as a whole, but that the WWE is in the best shape it's ever been, despite what ignorant people would have you believe. That's a very positive message, Hunter. We'll see how that holds up. Enough dilly-dally. Time to get right to the issues. What's Your Story? With Judgment Day on the horizon, one of the most hyped matches for this card has to be the World Title match between Triple-H and Kevin Nash. One might even call it a battle of legendary proportions. I call it a battle of two washed up injury-prone slugs. What a set-up this has been. Kevin Nash becoming the challenger after he earned his number one contendership by losing a match. Just think, if more title matches were booked like this, Crash Holly would be headlining every PPV. The sad thing is, Crash would make for better television than Nash. All I can say is, this is the biggest matchup in years. The greatest wrestler in history going against his former/current/future best buddy/lover, Kevin Nash. Kevin Nash is one of the most innovative wrestlers out there, with such death-defying technical moves like the sidewalk slam, the big boot, the powerbomb, and the big boot. You already said big boot. Did you hear the fan reaction during our backstage brawl last week? The fans were going nuts and chanting for Diesel. I've never seen such pure adoration and appreciation of a street brawl like that. Vince tells me everyone backstage was loving it too. I can't say for sure because I have my personal assistant keep away those other workers on the roster from trying to interact with me. The fans demanded to see Nash vs. Triple-H, so I had to give it to them. It's not for me to dictate who my opponents should be. I'm positiv those fans were chanting "Diesel sucks," but I imagine it's hard to see things for what they are with your head so far up your own ass. The next topic of discussion is the Intercontinental Title. After a long absence, Steve Austin is reinstituting this prestigious belt in a battle royal this Sunday at Judgment Day. As a fan of the midcard, I think this is a great idea. So many of our top stars got to be there by using the IC Title as a stepping stone. It also generates interest as a championship aside from the World titles. I am a humble guy. I don't mind the Intercontinental Title coming back, but I was totally against the idea. I'm not greedy, and I really didn't see the point of giving me two different belts to wear. The World Title establishes my superiority enough. Of course you realize the Intercontinental Title isn't going to you. It's to help out midcard wrestlers have an attainable goal. It gives a purpose to feuds and helps wrestlers who may not be main event material just yet. Wrestlers like Booker T, Christian, Test, Goldust, and Chris Jericho all have the opportunity to add another accolade to their list of accomplishments this coming Sunday. CHRIS JERICHO?! Where? I'll bury his ass! I'll Pedigree him out of the main event for the next decade when I'm through with him! He'll be doing nothing but more handcream angles for the rest of his career! Oh... sorry, it's kind of a reflex. Yeah, I'm sure the match for the trinket belt will be great wrestling, for sure. It will also allow for a nice bathroom break just before my match. Sure. What do you have to say to the rumors that it was you who wished the IC belt out of existence in the first place? You trashed over 20 years of lineage that saw some of the greatest matches and feuds ever devised, all for the personal gain of one man. Aside from the fact that no one man should be above the Intercontinental Championship, you really didn't benefit from having it gone. That title is one of those important things that gives wrestlers the foothold to break the glass ceiling you have put in place. Glass ceiling? More like a concrete ceiling! Hahaha... oh, I kill myself. In all seriousness though, I'm only looking out for what's best for the business. Did I play a role in having the IC title retired? If you count going up to Vince and saying "I want that damn belt scrapped" as a role, then I guess I'm guilty as charged. Here me out though. The average fan is very stupid. If he sees too many singles titles being defended on Pay-Per-View, he might get lost and think one of those other belts is half as important as mine, when in fact it's not. Plus, having extra belts cheapens the prestige of the World Title, and indirectly, me. I allowed the belt to come back on the condition that I would only feud with my Kliq buddies from now on and never have to subject myself to battling unworthy midcarders like Rob Van Dam and Kane again. They have their own piece of trash to fight over now. A man who says it like he sees it. Moving onto Smackdown! It would appear that the one match I was really looking forward to on the next PPV isn't going to happen. Chavo Guerrero tore his bicep during the Velocity tapings last Tuesday and will be out of action for six months. I think the PPV aside, Smackdown! will just end up being that much worse on the average with yet another of its top wrestlers forced to hit the sideline. Thinking towards the immediate future, I find it odd that on Smackdown!, Eddie acknowledged the fact that Chavo got injured, and yet later in that same night, Michael Cole hyped the tag ladder match with Chavo still in it. That's just downright deceptive and misleading to promote a match you know won't happen. Now maybe the ladder match will remain but with different participants. Maybe Benoit will end up teaming with Eddie. Maybe Benoit and Rhyno will face Team Angle. I'm honestly not sure. Who's Chavo Guerrero? I bet you made that name up to see if I'd catch on. Chavo is Eddie Guerrero's nephew. He's a cruiserweight on Smackdown! I can't keep track of those pesky cruiserweights. They don't have the same love for the business that I do. They think "speed" and "wrestling ability" will get them ahead, but they clearly don't know the first thing about wrestling. Passion and loyalty are what bring you to the top, and none of those cruiserweights have any passion. If they were passionate about this business, they'd stick a needle of creatine into their asses everyday and become heavyweights. Now, I'm not saying these guys don't have potential. We may have the most solid roster we've ever had, but these guys really need to bulk up a lot and slow down their matches. They have loads of untapped potential, like Albert. There have been rumors recently of Stepanie McMahon wanting a bigger on-air role. I just have to roll my eyes at that, as it doesn't really seem to surprise me. Here's a girl who has a habit of somehow booking herself to be in the main event or parts of major angles. Ever since she became the General Manager of Smackdown! though, she's been more than tolerable. She's sat back and let the wrestlers do their job without taking up too much airtime. I applauded the effort, but now I wonder what happened to make her revert to her old greedy ways, if that is the case. Yeah, that was my idea. I think the show quality has been lacking on Smackdown! lately. There's been too many matches and not enough sports entertainment. I think the fans deserve to be entertained, and nobody is more entertaining than my Stephanie, except me of course. The last episode was supposed to have eight matches on the card. I don't know what the writers were smoking, so Vince and I sat down and whittled it down to four matches and added a bunch of Mr. America vignettes and some crap about this dead woman from Confidential. Usually I don't take such a hands-on approach, but I think I can safely say it was one of the best Smackdown!s in months. As for Stephanie, I have a lot of stuff planned out for her. I'm having Jazz traded to the Smackdown! roster so Steph can become Women's Champion again. It's the least I could do for my Pooky. I'm going to start wrapping it up, soon. Do you have any comments to the Internet fans while you're here, Trips? You're damn right I do. You listen to me, Internet fans. Do you know who I am? I am the Game, the most powerful man in the free world. I earned my spot. I paid my dues. I am the future of wrestling, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. You don't know half as much about the business as I do. I'm on to you, though. I am the Cerebral Assasin, and I will figure out a way to dismantle the internet to destroy you faceless punks. I have the power to do whatever I want, whenever I want, because Vince told me so. Since when do the fans get to tell us what they want to watch? I tell them what they want to watch, and they'll like it. Well there you have it. Strong words from the biggest jackass in wrestling today. A rather arrogant... I'm not finished yet. You people wouldn't know good wrestling if your life depended on it. You're so impressed by no-talent overrated workers, but anyone can do a German suplex. You think anyone can use a sleeper like I can though? Not on your life. Hunter, shut up. You wouldn't know what a good match was if it bit you in the ass. I'm sure we can all recall such classics as Triple-H vs. Scott Steiner. You're acting like a moron and have been since I let you start typing. You disgust me, and I don't need to hear you insult my readers anymore. I'll do that myself. That being said, I hope you'll consider joining us again at "Wrestling in a Bottle." It's been a pleasure to let you shed some light on recent topics. Yeah, sure. Final Thought I hope y'all enjoyed my column this week. For some reason, it was a lot harder to write than I anticipated, but I'm glad I did it anyway. Many internet fans are criticized for zeroing in on Triple-H when bitching about the product, but it's somewhat understandable at the same time. So I took this column to get all the Triple-H bashing out of my system. I didn't do Judgment Day predictions, but this PPV has had crappy build anyway. I actually predict both champions will retain though. Nash has been very poorly received and has come out the stronger man in every confrontation he's had with Triple-H. I think Vince has pulled the plug on dropping the strap to him. I hope Chavo has a speedy recovery along with Edge and Kurt. That's all for this week. Stay tuned for my Judgment Day review next week. You won't want to miss it. Okay... well, pretend you won't want to miss it. -Snapple Email me. I accept all comments, criticism, and questions. happydude5000@msn.com *Note: Triple-H's comments may or may not be real. *NEW GALLERY* Photos of BATISTA With His HOT NEW GIRLFRIEND!
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