Wrestling in a Bottle: Should the WWE Bring the War into Wrestling?
Submitted by Snapple on Friday, April 11, 2003 at 2:00 AM EST



Hello hello hello, and welcome to the latest edition of the only column that makes phat beats than a room full of DDR machines, Wrestling in a Bottle. For the women who came to see me and the men who want to be me, I'm Snapple. Well, I got some mixed responses from my last column. Most of my mail was positive stuff, but it would seem that some people had a bit of a problem with my comments on John Cena. Uh-oh, well I'll clear that up in today's column, for all you "playa haters."

On a more personal note, this weekend I'm going to have a rematch with one of my old rivals, THE PROM. Okay, so the prom isn't really my rival, but this is my second time to go. I already graduated from high school last Spring, and I don't have a girlfriend, so needless to say I wasn't exactly planning on going back. At any rate, I had a lot of fun last year, so I'm looking forward to doing that again. It'll probably feel weird being the old guy at prom, but I do have a lot of friends who're still in high school, so it'll be good to schmooze.

Alright, I just felt like digressing for a second since it's a big weekend for me, but you people aren't here to listen to my personal life. You're here to listen to WRASSLIN' TALK! And that's what you'll get.

I want to talk about a big mistake the WWE is making, too, and you'll hear my thoughts on that in the Chris Nowinski section.

What's Your Story?

Well, this week Kevin Nash made his regretful return to the ring. I don't really have anything against Nash personally, but he's not the wrestler he was. All his many years of wrestling and basketball before that have made his knees like two bowls of Jell-O. That's somewhat... slowed him down in the ring. Plus, he's prone to injury, and in general he just basically isn't that great now. I do resent the idea that it looks like he's going straight for the world title. Booker T is in the middle of a feud with Triple-H. They need to hand the title to someone deserving. They need to create NEW stars instead of relying on old farts like Kevin Nash. See, I think that Booker should win the title at Backlash. If Nash held off on coming back another month, he could have feuded with Triple-H without the title going into Judgment Day, and I could have respected that. Maybe I'm just more mad at Triple-H then, for not wanting to drop the title to anyone outside of Austin, Rock, Undertaker or one of the Clique members.

Personally, I also would have liked a return as Diesel more than just plain Nash. Old school Diesel was cool. Sure, Diesel was never a draw, but he was a good character, and he had some good matches. It would be a cool mark-out moment to see another run as Diesel, but I don't like these big name guys getting instant title shots. Now, that's not a sure thing yet, but judging by the stare-down on RAW, that's the way things are heading. Scott Steiner's first WWE match was a title shot, and on PPV. I didn't like that at all. If you're a big name, you don't need a title to feud over. Just look at the Rock and Goldberg. They have a big feud going, and they're not hogging the title scene to themselves. Therefore, I enjoy their feud.

Meanwhile on Smackdown!, John Cena is being groomed for his inevitable title shot at Backlash. For those of you saying it still could be Benoit, just keep in mind that Brock vs. Cena is playing the houseshows this month. Yeah, so I got some heat for my comments on Cena. Let me repeat myself when I say that I like Cena's gimmick. I think he's got great mic skills, and he definitely gets himself heat with the crowd. Those are positives. On the negative side, I don't like his wrestling ability. This is my opinion, I have held this opinion since not long after his debut, and I have had no reason to shirk this opinion even to this very day. Cena needs to be carried to anything good, because he's still learning, I think. I also think it's too early for him to get promoted to the main event, given that he's only had one PPV match ever, and that was almost a year ago. Then he goes from midcard Hell straight to the main event. Alright, sure. Given the fast build, does anyone actually think Cena will go over Brock at Backlash? I sure don't. If he did, he'd make a horrible champion. He had a match with the Undertaker this week. Some people are saying that the Undertaker didn't do enough to sell for the match. Maybe. What is supposed to happen? It's the freaking Undertaker, a legend of wrestling. Is he supposed to be magically dominated by a midcarder? I don't think so, and yet the action went back and forth a lot. Cena was holding his own pretty well, although the ending didn't do much to put him over. I shudder to think how they're going to book his match against Benoit next week. I have mixed feelings. Just as long as pushing Cena over other people doesn't damage their reputations, go for it. I still don't like his wrestling though.

I had a thought. Where in the Hell were the Big Show, A-Train, and Los Guerreros this week? None of them were on TV. Very odd...

If you think I'm a negative person who bashes everything the WWE does, I'll name some of the positives this week. Benoit vs. Rhyno was a great match. Team Angle vs. Rey and Tajiri was a very good match. Brock vs. Matt Hardy was a hot opener for Smackdown!, though I wish it could've been longer. I was on the edge of my seat for Piper's Pit, and best of all, it looks like Piper is being used to push an up-and-comer (Sean O'Haire) and not himself. Kevin Nash, Triple-H, Goldberg, Hulk Hogan, and others should watch this guy and do some of the same. Rob Van Dam's match against Chief Morley was his best one since No Way Out. It was really good stuff, and I enjoyed it a lot. The Rock carried Jeff Hardy to HIS best match also since No Way Out. Although that's not saying much, it was still fun. The tag match main event on RAW was good stuff too, except for the part where the ref had to stop counting because Trips forgot to kick-out (or possibly Jericho couldn't break up the cover in time). I hope that's enough positives, because this has been a pretty good week for wrestling.

What Chris Nowinski Did This Week

Ooooooh boy. Better buckle yourselves in, because this is probably the most I'm ever going to rant in the Chris Nowinski section. I support Nowinski in his endeavors, but he opened the floodgates this week. Here I thought the "Pluck Molly's Cherry" storyline was controversial, that's nothing compared to this. Well, okay the first was more gross and disgusting, but this is just irritating.

Last Monday, Chris Nowinski came out to confront Scott Steiner for the second week in a row. However, instead of insulting Steiner or the audience to get normal heel heat, he went off on a bit of a rant. If you missed it, what he did was first declare that he is an American. Then he went on to say that he's disgusted that the United States of America would parade around like they own the place and attack other sovereign nations in the name of combatting terrorism. He yelled out a few other words putting down everyone for supporting barbaric actions and trying to get a rise out of the crowd. To cap it off, Scott Steiner replied to this by clotheslining Nowinski off the apron and putting him in the Steiner Recliner.

I can already feel the hatemail before I say this... Anyway, I'm not going to say I'm pro-war or anti-war. However, I respect both sides of this controversial argument and the people who wish to voice their opinions on the matter. I know that the WWE has taken a pro-war stance, but seriously, the political commentary needs to stay off of RAW. First of all because it insults all the people who basically think exactly what Nowinski said, and secondly because I watch wrestling to get AWAY from that kind of stuff. I also think it's really stupid that the WWE would twist this anti-war sentiment to equal heel heat.

Whether the WWE knows this or not, much of the country is against the war, and having a lower-micarder heel act like a jack-ass in the name of peace totally villifies a large demographic of their audience. Anti-war people are not the bad-guys. Maybe to some they are, but the WWE should not be taking side on this issue.

Just to make a different example, what if the WWE introduced a heel jobber named Abortion Man? Is my point becoming clearer now?

There was no need to make the association between annoying heel characters and anti-war sentiment, and that's exactly the correlation the WWE is trying to make, and children are going to watch that and go, "Duhh... Nowinski is dumb. So... yay for war!" The WWE has no place trying to mold the opinions of children, and they have no place trying to make anti-war people the bad guy. That's why I used the Abortion Man example, because you could imagine the backlash they'd get from pro-choicers for being portrayed as bad people. Not that children should be anti-war, but everyone should develop their own opinions rather than have wrestlers drill it into them.

If that ISN'T the point they were trying to make, then why doesn't a face cut the same promo? Hm? I think you have to look at the issue both ways before dismissing it as one way or the other. For shame to Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler for making the situation worse. If this was a simple heel promo, JR and the King would've taken different sides on the issue. One of the foundations of wrestling is the face/heel relationship between the announcers. It's like, instead of playing good cop/bad cop, JR and King were playing bad cop/worse cop. JR would say that Nowinski is a despicable American, and then King would say something about how great it is to blow up shit in Iraq. They broke the golden rule of announcing and further insulted their audience.

If the WWE wants to support the troops, that's fine. That's respectable. If the WWE wants to have the Undertaker wave a big flag around, that's fine. That's respectable. Whatever they did with Nowinski this week, that needs to stop. I certainly hope that doesn't continue next week.

The way I see it, in a worst case scenario, Nowinski will come out next Monday dressed in full hippie gear, wearing sandals and carrying a big sign. In a best case scenario, Nowinski will go back to just getting normal heel heat by ripping on the audience, and then end up getting a rematch with Steiner at Backlash where he'll go over the roid freak... cleanly. Hey, it could happen! ...really...

I will finish by re-emphasizing that this is NOT about whether I am pro-war or anti-war, this is about the bias the WWE is making. If the WWE wanted to villify pro-war advocates in the same way, I'd be complaining then too, so remember that before you send your emails.

I have enough stressful things to deal with during the week, and wrestling provides a good escape for me. I think that the bottom line is that politics needs to stay OUT of the WWE. Politics is politics, and wrestling is wrestling. Let's not mix the two.

Flavor of the Week

This week's flavor is Roddy Piper. Eh, I might as well, because I don't know how long Hot Rod is going to be in the WWE and I want to give him his due. All week, I've been eagerly awaiting the return of Piper's Pit, and I wasn't too disappointed, especially given that Vince McMahon was special guest, which was a big negative. Vince tried to give all those cheap shots to Roddy, but he was fired right back at with shots at his old bodybuilding federation and the XFL. It was odd how he kept changing face to heel to face to heel, but I think overall he's going to be a heel. Rikishi serving as fodder for the segment was a nice touch, and O'Haire is getting a nice rub now. Read my lips: The Pit is the Shit.

Chump of the Week

If you saw Smackdown!, you know who should get this. Why, I believe it's that Australian bloke known as Nathan Jones! Well now. Here's a trooper who needs to take up my TV time. Seriously, did this guy even have a try-out match? I hate to sound negative, but... well... he sucks! He beat Bill DeMott in a minute after this kick that Michael Cole called a "Big Boot," but I highly doubt that. His leg wasn't extended, and he just kind of shoved it in DeMott's face. Fear Nathan Jones and his PUSSY KICK OF DOOM!

Pieces of Randomness

Nathan Jones: G'Day mates, and welcome to another edition of Jones' Pit! This week, our special guest is wrestling sensation, Chris Benoit!

Benoit: It's a pleasure to be here, Nathan.

Jones: Please, call me Nathan.

Benoit: Uh, I just... did.

Jones: I'm great, thanks for asking. Now tell me, mate, what's it like to be a poopie pants? HAHAHAHA!

Benoit: Dude, what the Hell are you talking about?

Jones: I just made fun of you! I'm a regular Jolly Roody Pooper!

Benoit: You mean Roddy Piper?

Jones: Shut up! I'll kill you with my PUSSY KICK OF DOOM! *Jones pushes his foot into Benoit's face*

Benoit: Please get your foot out of my face. That's not cool, man.

Jones: You are WRITHING IN PAIN! HAHAHA!

Benoit: That's it. I'm out of here.

Jones: That's right! Run away, cry baby! This has been another edition of Jones' Pit. Thank you.

Final Thought

Well, as for the war thing, I'll get over it. I just needed to vent, and I stand by my opinion. I debated this on the LOP Forums with and against several people, and I think everyone can at least agree to keep politics away from wrestling. As for next week, hopefully there'll be some meaningful developments in the Rock/Goldberg feud, and we'll get some confirmation of whether Trips and Nash are actually going to feud or not. Cena will go over my hero Chris Benoit, unfortunately, and the rest of the storylines are up in the air. Hopefully some madcap hyjinx will ensue and something unpredictable happens. Until next time, readers, take care.

-Snapple

Send fanmail/hatemail/cookie recipes to happydude5000@msn.com. All opinions are welcome.








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