Wrestling in a Bottle: Wrestlemania-a-mania!
Submitted by Snapple on Friday, March 28, 2003 at 5:11 PM EST



Hello, and welcome to a brand-spanking new edition to America's favorite column, Wrestling in a Bottle. I'm your MC, Snapple. First off, I'd like to wish our brave troops a speedy and safe return to their home countries soon. Whatever your stance is on the war, nobody wants more death than necessary. Fortunately, it looks like this thing may be over fairly quickly.

Well, it's been a while since the last edition of Wrestling in a Bottle. Three weeks has it been, meaning that I went on hiatus for the last two Fridays, when I normally deliver my wrestling goodness to you, the viewer. Fear not, though, for I shalt not make a habit of depriving my loyal readers of myself, undoubtedly the highlight of everyone's week. First spring break got in the way, and then I had something come up last week. I'm here now though, and just in time to do some last minute Wrestlemania hype! That's exactly what this week's column is dedicated to, and why not? That's what's on everyone's mind, so let's get to it.

What's Your Story?

Seeing as how most of what's been on TV lately is dedicated to Wrestlemania hype, there's not much I can say in this section this week, except for non-Wrestlemania storylines, of which there are few, but enough to talk about.

I don't think I've really talked about Brian Kendrick (aka Spanky) in any of my columns thus far. Then again, I've been on hiatus during the majority of the Kendrick storyline. Still, I want to say that I'm really impressed with this guy. I really enjoy watching him wrestle, and I think this week's tag match on Smackdown! is further proof of that. Sure, Kendrick got pinned by Matt Hardy, but that was a crazy cool match. He bumps silly like Spike Dudley, but he's got more muscle than Spike and has a great arsenal of moves from what I've seen. By the way, I have to mention that I loved that crucifix sitdown powerbomb that Matt Hardy did this week. That's a really cool move.

Well, John Cena is back, and internet rumors say that the WWE is actually going to try to push him into a legitimate main event feud with Brock Lesnar. I don't think Cena is ready. I've dogged him a lot in the past, and rightfully so. He's the kind of guy that can have a good match, but he really needs to be carried to something good. What, you say he's had good matches against Kurt Angle? Against Chris Jericho? Against Brock Lesnar? Sure, because those are the best workers the WWE has to offer right now. I will admit that Cena's new character is pretty cool. He's good at this rapping thing, but I'm still not sold on his ring ability. That's not to say that it couldn't get better, but just because you tell a guy to undersell and squash more doesn't make him a credible main eventer.

In other news, by the time you see my next column, chances are that Bill Goldberg will be appearing on WWE television. I still have mixed feelings on bringing in Goldberg. Although, I doubt he will be what the WWE needs to get themselves out of the ratings dirt. The return of Austin and the Rock aren't helping the ratings right now, neither is Hogan or Wrestlemania coming up. Still, it could be fun, depending on how Goldberg is used. I'm keeping my eye on that boy, though.

Wrestlemania Predictions

Well, it's that time of year again. The air is warming up, pollen is filling everyone's lungs, Senioritis is settling heavy in high school students everywhere, and wrestlers in the WWE are trying to get themselves noticed, because it's time for WRESTLEMANIA. I say this, and yet it just doesn't feel like Wrestlemania season. I'm not all that excited this year. Most of the matches have poor build-up, I'm worried about Kurt Angle, and RAW continues to be pretty abismal. Still, every Wrestlemania is fun in its own way. Every Wrestlemania has at least ONE blow-away match. Well, I'm not sure how it's going to go down. The one thing I do know is that the buy-rates will suck. Let's get talking.

Cruiserweight Championship: Matt Hardy (c) vs. Rey Mysterio
I've heard some people say that this will be the match of the night. I don't think it'll be match of the night, but hopefully it'll be a classic in its own right. Right now, this is Matt's big chance to show the WWE that he's a good worker, and that he can get over with the crowd. We have a match between two of the best wrestlers in the WWE today, in my opinion, and there's no way they can go wrong with it. Sure, tag matches right before Wrestlemania tend to give away matches sometimes, but that usually applies to the main event more than the midcard titles. That being said, Matt Hardy definitely got the upper hand on Rey Mysterio in their last meeting. Logic says that Rey has a good chance of winning Wrestlemania. Well, tag matches aside, I still think Rey is going to win. Even if he had won the tag match, I still would've picked Rey to win. Although I don't know why. I think this match could go either way, and that's a good thing. Unpredictability makes matches more exciting.
Snapple's Pick: Rey Mysterio

I Smell HOSS!: Undertaker & Nathan Jones vs. A-Train & Big Show
Can anyone say... bathroom break? I usually give Undertaker matches the benefit of a doubt and say that they have the potential to be good. However, I don't see any potential here. Undertaker can look good only if he has a good opponent, and here he's going to be stuck in the ring with three guys that frankly, I don't enjoy watching them wrestle. There is one good thing about this though, and that's that all the bad eggs are getting thrown in one basket, so to speak. Get them all out of the way in one match and be done with it. As for the outcome, everyone knows that the only surefire winner at any Wrestlemania is the Undertaker. He always wins. Do I think his streak will get broken eventually? Yes, but not in a tag match. If Undertaker's streak is getting defeated, it'll be in a match with a really big build up, so that the person to break it will get a big rub. So yeah, Taker and Jones will win. Also, don't be surprised if Jones turns on Taker after the match.
Snapple's Pick: The Undertaker and Nathan Jones

RAW Tag Team Championship: Lance Storm and Sean Morley (c) vs. Rob Van Dam and Kane
I honestly don't believe this match was planned for Wrestlemania a month ago. Hell, I don't know if it was planned a week ago. When you consider William Regal's illness, the Dudleys getting blacklisted for injuring Batista and Orton, and the abortion of the building RVD vs. Kane storyline, it's easy to see the WWE had to scramble to pull this match together. Personally, I would've rather seen RVD or Kane turn heel to give us another singles match. Still, I have a feeling this'll be good. Last month, RVD and Kane took on Storm and Regal, but Regal was out most of the match on account of an early head injury. The resulting action between RVD, Kane, and Storm was really good stuff, I thought. Now, all three of those elements are being brought back this month, except Regal is getting replaced with Morley. While I think the idea of Morley and Storm being handed the titles is yet another blow to the titles' credibility, it could give us a good match. In fact, given enough time, I *guarantee* it will be a good match. How's that for confident? Anywho, RVD and Kane will win it. As long as they're staying a tag team, they might as well have the titles.
Snapple's Pick: Rob Van Dam and Kane

Women's Championship: Victoria (c) vs. Jazz vs. Trish Stratus
This match has the potential to be good. Last year, they made the huge mistake of sticking the women's match between the two main events. How can you follow up Hulk Hogan with Jazz? Seriously. At any rate, I liked last year's triple-threat match, and this year's match has two of the three components of that match, Jazz and Trish. Then again, this triple-threat match also has two of the three ingredients of the Victoria-Trish-Jackie match from Armageddon, which blew the big one. So will it be good or bad? I'm still hopeful. Jazz lacks basic chain wrestling techniques to do a singles match, but in a triple-threat match, the other two girls can pick up the slack for her. The Trish-Victoria matches have been hit and miss, I think. Some of them have been good, and some bad. At any rate, the success of this match is highly unpredictable in my opinion. I have no idea whether it'll be good or bad, but it could go either way. The lovely Victoria has opted to actually work through her knee injury rather than getting surgery, which means there's a chance she could retain here. Damn, what a trooper she is. Then again, I have a feeling they want to push Jazz back into the title scene, and Jazz won't be getting a title match at Backlash if Victoria's still the champ. So I think Trish or Jazz will win. *flips a coin*
Snapple's Pick: Trish Stratus

Smackdown! Tag Team Championship: Team Angle (c) vs. Los Guerreros vs. Chris Benoit & Rhyno
Hooray for the Smackdown! tag titles! This match has "awesome" written all over it. At first, I was distraught that Benoit was getting depushed from potentially the main event into just a tag match, but when you think about it, this could be the match of the night. Seriously, I don't see how this could be bad at all, and triple-threat tag matches have a tendency to be really good, from my experience. Not much story behind this match, and I've been back and forth a lot as to who's going to win. For a long time, I've thought that Los Guerreros would win the titles back at Wrestlemania, but now I've been thinking about it, and I'm predicting a lot of title changes to take place. SOMEone has to retain their title, and I think Team Angle may just hold onto their gold a little longer. Without Angle, they need something to retain their push, so I think the tag gold suits them. I really don't think Benoit and Rhyno have any chance of winning this match, as I still don't really consider these guys a tag team. I want to see their respective singles pushes continue after 'Mania.
Snapple's Pick: Team Angle

"Stone Cold" Steve Austin vs. The Rock
Is this the match that's supposed to bring in the buyrates? Some people I've heard think this feud to be acceptable. This feud BLOWS. Whatever you call this confrontation between the Rock and Austin, I don't get it. The entire basis for this match, as far as I can tell, is that the Rock is tired of losing, so he's challenging Austin... again. This is the THIRD time these guys have fought at Wrestlemania. I honestly don't care about these two fighting anymore, especially when there isn't a good reason to bring them together again. What is Austin's motivation in this match? Austin has nothing to prove. Plus, the build up is a yawn and a half. Oh no! Austin broke into the arena in a car! That's never happened before! The only thing good about this feud has been the Rock. The Rock since he's gotten back has been the greatest in everything he says on the mic. Actually, I've enjoyed the Hurricane-Rock feud more than the Austin-Rock feud, if that says something. Eh, the wrestling might be good, but there's no way a re-re-match is going to help buyrates. By the way, Austin is *always* made to look good at Wrestlemania. Austin's record is 5-1 at 'Mania, and that one loss is the famous "I quit" match against Bret Hart, which put Austin over *big time*. Since the WWE is kissing Austin's ass big time, of course he'll win again, possibly due to Goldberg's interference.
Snapple's Pick: Steve Austin

Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho
Just to let you know, this match is MY main event for Wrestlemania. It's the one I'm looking forward to the most. Of all the matches on the card, this feud is the oldest. 20 years in the making, my ass. Nobody cares about Hogan vs. Vince, but this one should be classic. I also think it may be the best wrestling match on the card. If not *the* best, then it has to be at least number two. Besides, this is a real "torch" match. Some people say that HBK doesn't have a torch, or that his torch was already passed to Triple-H or Steve Austin. That's a bunch of bull. Guys like Hulk Hogan give their torches to those guys. HBK's torch is being saved for the next Shawn Michaels. Who will portray the Shawn Michaels persona in the future of wrestling? Who will represent the "smaller guy"? The main event guy, that whether heel or face, will always be perceived as the underdog? Why that sounds like Chris Jericho to me! Just look at their final confrontation before Wrestlemania. They emphasized all the similarities between Jericho and Michaels. This is really good stuff. Anything that Jericho touches is golden anyway, and I've been itching for the payoff to this feud for a long time. In a battle I will dub "The Clash of the Smallest Titans," I think that HBK will be "the man" and put Jericho over. It's about time someone did that for Jericho.
Snapple's Pick: Chris Jericho

"World" Championship: Triple-H (c) vs. Booker T
In the past, I may have leaned towards the idea of Booker T winning at Wrestlemania. However, that was three weeks ago. Sure, the right thing to do would be to let Booker win on a big stage like Wrestlemania. However, they're making Booker look like a joke. When I wrote my last column, I didn't really think when Triple-H cut that first promo against Booker that it was really racial. However, then that writer on WWE.com said that it sounded racist and he loved it. The next week, holy crap! Booker T's kind is only suited for carrying bags? What is this? Now, Triple-H is a racist, and he STILL gets pops. I will say that Triple-H better not come out on top in this feud, or else some children are going to have some seriously messed up perceptions. Yeah, Booker's fate was sealed when he pinned Triple-H in a tag match. He's screwed for Wrestlemania. Now we can only hope that he'll win at Backlash, I guess. I bet Triple-H really thinks he's putting over talent by letting them pin him in tag matches. Right. Triple-H always wins where it counts, and he doesn't like to look bad at Wrestlemania anymore either. I really want Booker to win, and I really hope I'm wrong on this, but I don't think he's going to pull it off.
Snapple's Pick: Triple-H

Hulk Hogan vs. Vince McMahon
Phooey for this being the proposed main event. Vince's ego really gets the better of him sometimes, and putting him in a 25 minute match against Hulk Hogan? I really fail to see how these two old coots are going to keep me entertained for that long. Hopefully, there'll be some run-ins to keep things interesting. I laugh at the training video of Vince on Smackdown! Vince is not going to overpower Hulk at all. He's going to need a lot of chairshots just to get the upperhand in this match. In fact, if he even pulls out one suplex, I will be shocked. Hey, if it turns out to be a good match, then go them. I'll give respect where respect is due, but I don't see it happening. By the way, have I mentioned that this feud blows? 20 years in the making. Yawn. I really don't care, even though I'm well aware of the backstage politics and the history between these two. The only thing I got a kick out of was the way Vince snuck up on Hogan last week, and even that's old, because they've replayed the footage like six times since then. Let's get this crap over with. Hogan wins, of course.
Snapple's Pick: Hulk Hogan

WWE Championship: Kurt Angle (c) vs. Brock Lesnar
Well well well... here we have the match that everyone's been waiting for. The match that almost didn't happen. Ever since Brock assaulted Kurt last summer, people have been wondering when this match of "the greatest pure wrestlers in the WWE" would finally happen. Well, it's finally going to happen. Unfortunately, I can't get myself as excited as I'd like to be. As everyone probably already knows, Kurt Angle's neck is a mess right now, and he really shouldn't be going through with this match at all. I'm going to be cringing during every bump, praying that Kurt's career won't be over as a result of the match. Also, you have to wonder if the match itself is even going to be up to snuff with Kurt's neck the way it is. He's probably going to keep his neck protected, and the match is also probably going to be shorter than it was originally planned. I honestly don't know what's going to happen. Maybe it'll all turn out fine and we'll have the greatest match of all time. I really hope everything turns out fine.
Snapple's Pick: Brock Lesnar

What Chris Nowinski Did This Week

Hmm... what did Chris do this week? Oh yeah. NOTHING! He wasn't even on TV, for some reason. Not on RAW *or* HeAT. What is up with that? This is no way to treat the only Harvard graduate in the WWE. He's already more intelligent than certainly the rest of that pitiful roster. That is, unless Jeff Hardy has just been hiding his intelligence under all that make-up of his. Here's a man that went undefeated for something like three months last year, and now his career is in the toilet. Maybe what Chris needs is a nice face turn. All he has to do is convince everyone else that going to Harvard really does make him better than everyone else. Then he will smite his opponents with his mighty brain power! Yes... I can see it now.

Flavor of the Week

This week's flavor is Matt Hardy. Lately, it's really hard to tell that Matt and Jeff are even related. People, including me, used to think that it was Jeff that was the talented one, and Matt was just going along for the ride. Oh, have I seen the error of my ways though. Matt is clearly a very passionate wrestler, as he gives 100% every time he's in the ring. Jeff on the other hand said in a recent interview that he'd much rather be in a famous band than be WWE Champion. Well fine, but see if he gets pushed with that attitude. Mattitude, on the other hand, is runnin' wild! Not only that, but he easily had the match-of-the-week this week along with Shannon Moore, Rey-Rey, and Spanky. It was fast-paced, with a ton of great looking spots. Spots including the CRUCIFIX SITDOWN POWERBOMB! Man, why can't I shut up about that move? At any rate, Matt is great. Hey, that rhymes.

Chump of the Week

This week's chump is the Big Show. Why not? He's big, fat, and didn't do the job to Rhyno and Benoit. There've been way too many DQ finishes on TV this month. Plus, Big Show is BORING to watch in the ring. I don't feel like ranting, so I'll stop.

Pieces of Randomness: Feedback Shenanigans

Sorry if I haven't responded to email from my last column, but time constrained me. However, I promise that this time, if you send me an email, I will give you one million dollars. No questions asked. We can organize something through PayPal. I am absolutely serious. Just be sure to read my Terms and Restrictions first*. Email me at happydude5000@msn.com

*Terms and Restrictions: You are not eligible for the million dollars if you are born on a day ending in a 'Y'. You are not eligible for the million dollars if you were born from a woman. You are not eligible for the million dollars if you have ever looked at a television screen. You are not eligible for the million dollars if you don't drink Snapple. You are not eligible for the million dollars if you are a fan of Triple-H.

After collecting your million dollars, you must invest all of it in Enron stock or you become subject to a fine of TWO million dollars. You must also slap yourself in the head and cluck like a chicken. You must sacrifice a goat to the pagan god Woong A-Ji, and then throw a virgin in a volcano. Failure to comply with these terms will result in myself reaching through your computer screen to strangle you.

It's just that easy!

Final Thought

Well, I hope everyone has a pleasant Wrestlemania experience. This year, I'm throwing together a small dorm party where I'll be providing everyone with their Wrestlemania fix via webcast and a projector for my computer. Your favorite stars may win or lose, but just try to have fun with it. Wrestlemania is just meant to be fun. Yes, even if Triple-H wins, I won't bitch. I won't be happy with the decision, but after all, it's just wrestling, right? Right. Maybe after Triple-H wins his match, he'll make an open challenge, to which Kane will respond and beat him in about ten seconds, ala Wrestlemania 9. Sure, it'd be ridiculous, but I know I'd mark out. I hope everyone has a good week, and I'll be back after Wrestlemania.

-Snapple








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