Wrestling in a Bottle: Now with New Tartar-Control Formula
Submitted by Snapple on Saturday, February 15, 2003 at 5:22 PM EST



Hello, wrestling fans. Welcome to another edition of Wrestling in a Bottle. I'm Snapple. I actually got a lot of positive feedback from last week's column, "The Next Big Free Agent". So much, in fact, that I'm extending my coverage of free agents one more week with an examination of five more free agents that weren't mentioned last week. You can see that later in the column.

Before I start, I guess I'll say Happy Valentine's Day. If you do have a special someone in your life, be happy for that. If you don't, don't worry about it. Valentine's Day is just a corporate holiday designed to make you spend more money. This year I do not have that someone in my life, and I am totally cool with that. Some people I talk to get depressed around V-Day because they're single. I say why? I'm proud to be single on Valentine's Day. Okay, I just wanted to get that out of the way. On with the column!

What's Your Story?

Well a lot happened storyline-wise this week... NOT. How entertaining the shows are aside, No Way Out has got to be the most poorly built PPV in a while. So what are the headliners for this PPV? We've got three. First most obviously is Rock vs. Hogan. You might say that this is a well-built match. This is NOT a well-built match. The Rock hasn't even been on TV in person yet! Hell, neither Rock nor Hogan have appeared on two episodes of Smackdown! this past month. Rock and Hogan are not feuding at all. This match is being sold solely on the fact that it is a rematch between these two people. I admit the Rock has been absolutely awesome in his promos so far, but I think this feud could be given a little more airtime, if you want to know the truth.

The next headliner for this PPV is the rematch between Triple-H and Scott Steiner. Like I've said before, I don't like the way Steiner wrestles now, and I don't like the way Triple-H wrestles now. Not to mention the fact that these two guys have been feuding with pose-downs week after week. No more pose-downs! It's bad enough that Jericho had to job to Steiner cleanly. I just hope this is Steiner's final bow in the WWE.

The third headliner is undoubtedly going to be a great wrestling match, and that is the six-man tag match scheduled between Brock Lesnar, Edge, Chris Benoit, and Team Angle. Unfortunately though, who's feuding here? Brock and Kurt are feuding, and the other four guys are just really being thrown in there for fluff. Plus, is the title even being put on the line in this match? I don't think it is. The only other time I can remember a six-man tag match as the main-event of a PPV was King of the Ring 2000, where The Rock, Kane, and Undertaker took on Triple-H, Vince, and Shane. The title WAS on the line in that match, as Rock took the title from Triple-H. To me, there really shouldn't be an excuse for the title not being defended on a PPV. Still, it should be a good match at least.

Oh, should I count Steve Austin versus Eric Bischoff as a main event? Let me tell you exactly what's going to happen at No Way Out. Steve's going to come out, wait for the cheers to die down, then blast Eric with the WHATs for about five minutes. The match is going to start, Eric is going to run around the ring for about thirty seconds, get stunnered, and that'll be it. It's just a way to reintroduce Austin to the WWE. He may or may not get involved in the Rock-Hogan matchup later in the show. In either case, it won't be a main-event worthy match.

My favorite part of wrestling this week was probably just watching Smackdown! I personally thought that the match between Rey Mysterio and Matt Hardy stole the show, but that could just be me. I don't think there was a single match that I didn't get any enjoyment out of. Well, the women's match was just T&A, but that's about what I was expecting. Even Chris Benoit carried A-Train to something watchable. I wasn't happy that Shelton Benjamin beat Eddie Guerrero, because it kinda looked like a clean win, and I personally think it's way too early for a guy like Benjamin, who's just a lacky, to get a clean win over Eddie Guerrero. It was still a really good match though.

Oh, and one more thing. I'm actually a little optimistic about the arrival of Nunzio's "Family". I think that Nunzio is a fairly good wrestler, so at least his character has a direction now. Chuck Palumbo I think is an underappreciated wrestler. I think he's pretty terrible on the mic, but he's not a bad wrestler. He was definitely better than Billy Gunn. He's got a great belly-to-belly suplex, and a fairly good variation of a superkick. As for Johnny Stamboli, I've seen this guy wrestle many times on HeAT. Only several months ago, Stamboli was one of the cornerstones of HeAT, along with D-Lo and Raven. Of course, now Raven has been fired, and D-Lo is going to be fired next month. Hopefully Stamboli won't befall the same fate, as he really is a good wrestler. Plus, I like saying the name of his finisher, Fuhgeddaboudit! Italian people are nifty.

Free Agents: The Final Frontier

I got a LOT of email from my last column, possibly the most I've ever gotten from a single column, and many of those emails suggested different free agents for the WWE that I hadn't mentioned. Now, I wouldn't have room in one column for all the many wrestlers that were suggested to me. However, I did pick five of them to add to the list I made from last week because I think there are some wrestlers out there that deserve some recognition. Last week, I discussed Randy Savage, Lex Luger, Ultimate Warrior, Sting, Goldberg, Scott Hall, Bret Hart, and Jonah. Now, I bring you the continuation of the free agents...

Ken Shamrock
This is definitely the one name I was banging my head against the wall when I forgot to mention him last week. For a while now I've been a big proponent of letting Ken Shamrock wrestle with the WWE again. While I don't think he's the BEST wrestler out there, I think he's definitely one of the better ones. Plus, his style of wrestling would fit perfectly with many of the wrestlers currently on the roster today, especially Smackdown! To me and a lot of other people, I think the idea of a "Battle of the Ankle Locks" between Shamrock and Angle would kick some serious ass. I'd also love to see him mix it up with Benoit, Edge, Eddie, and a host of other people. The only real roadblock for Shamrock coming back seems to be that he is asking to work a light schedule, and the WWE is asking him to work a full schedule. He parted with the company on good terms and I think the return of Ken Shamrock is all but certainty. However they get him, I'll be happy.

Sabu
Sabu has been popping up here and there over the past year doing various independent bookings. I witnessed his brief run in NWA-TNA, which included a match against "The Wall" and an NWA Championship match between himself and Shamrock in a ladder match. I think his schedule is light enough that him jumping ship to WWE wouldn't really be a problem. I actually have a slightly mixed opinion of Sabu though. I think he's had his moments, but not all of his matches are guaranteed to be perfect, like I know some of his supporters might have you think. I think the best environment for Sabu though is a hardcore environment. I mean, yeah he was a big star in ECW, but so was Raven. So was Tommy Dreamer. So was Jerry Lynn. The WWE doesn't like to push ECW guys, especially the ones that have appeared post-Invasion. Rhyno and the Dudleys were around in the WWF before the Invasion, so they got a fair push. It has been noted that RVD's spot needs to be protected by Paul Heyman. I personally think that if Sabu joined the WWE, he would get buried. There also isn't a hardcore division, which I think he might be good in. I just don't think that Sabu really fits anywhere on RAW or Smackdown!

Low-Ki
I'm not actually sure if Low-Ki has a written contract with NWA-TNA or not. I assumed he had a written contract, but a few people mentioned Low-Ki in their emails, so I thought I'd bring him up. First of all, I have seen Low-Ki wrestle many times, and I am a big time fan of this guy. He is just absolutely brutal in the ring. Sure, you might say that because his kicks are so stiff, he must be amateurish. That's arguable, but you can hear those kicks of his. They are loud, and he makes you really believe the pain of his opponent, probably because he really is in pain. At any rate, Low-Ki has had a WWE try-out before. He did not pass the try-out because (of course) they said he was working too stiff. Low-Ki hasn't changed his style at all, which I think is cool. He shouldn't compromise his wrestling style because he does what works for him. I, for one, would love to see a match between Rob Van Dam and Low-Ki. Now that would be a real dream match. Maybe now that Low-Ki is becoming more famous all the time he will get recognized by the WWE, but I'm not crossing my fingers.

Disco Inferno
Eh... I got a surprising number of people mention Disco Inferno to me, possibly more than people mentioned Shamrock, which is the only real reason why I'm including him here. I honestly don't have that much of an opinion of Disco Inferno, mostly because I've been more of a WWF loyalist over the years and haven't seen the "best" of Disco Inferno I guess. What I did see of this guy I wasn't very impressed with, to be honest. If the WWE really wants him, I guess he could get in, but the roster is so overloaded right now, I don't think the WWE would sign someone unless they were going to make a real impact. Goldberg equals impact. Disco Inferno does not equal impact.

Dennis Rodman
Hey, technically he isn't wrestling for any other company, so he counts. When someone mentioned Dennis Rodman to me, I laughed. Hey, at least he's a better wrestler than Jay Leno, right? Hell, better than Ultimate Warrior for that matter. Ouch!

What Chris Nowinski Did This Week

Weeeeell, once again Nowinski wasn't on RAW. This isn't good. I didn't catch HeAT either, so I don't know what happened there. This is the second week in a row this has happened. Not a good sign, my friends. On the good side, we actually got to see Nowinski during Smackdown! He interrupted a commercial for Old School to say why its a bad movie. Then, Gene Okerlund came out and started arguing with him. Yeah, I didn't see the whole point of it either, but at least I got to see more Nowinski. Hooray!

Flavor of the Week

This week's flavor is Matt Hardy. I admire Matt Hardy a lot. First the writers abort a proposed feud between him and Edge, despite the fact that Matt gets major heat every time he comes out. So instead Matt flounders on Smackdown!, all the while still going out and giving everything he's got every week. Then, Matt acquires a "Virgil" in the form of Shannon Moore, after which the momentum of Matt's push seems to have stopped, just so he could go out and beat the crap out of Shannon every week. Then, the writers seem to totally give up on Matt and decide to push him into the cruiserweight division, also known as the "Velocity Division". Matt's career seems to be going nowhere, so does he go out and wrestle and just not care anymore? No, he goes out, gets major heat from the crowd and puts on the best damn match with Rey Mysterio that he knows how. I give this honor to Matt Hardy for sheer perseverence.

Chump of the Week

This week's chump is Jonathan Coachman. Yeah, he doesn't wrestle, but I can't stand this guy. The fact that I had to listen to him do play-by-play work for an entire RAW is awful. This man called a double-underhook suplex from the top rope by Jericho a "slammed down to the mat." He called a faceplant during the Test-Christian match a "backbreaker". A BACKBREAKER! Is it really that hard to find someone who can announce better than Coach? How about letting a wrestler do it? Anyone! Boo you, Coach! Boo you to Hades!

Pieces of Randomness

-Memo to The Rock: Just because you're trying to be the next big Hollywood action star doesn't mean you have to try looking like Vin Diesel.
-Memo to Kevin Nash: Just because you used to go by "Diesel" doesn't make you anyone important.
-Speaking of Hollywood, let me be the first to break this exciting story... The Rock isn't the only big star to be under WWE contract. That's right, they have acquired the services of Brendan Fraser. Of course, they're calling him "Sean O'Haire", but we can tell who it really is.
-Based on the already success of Rock and "O'Haire", the WWE will be repackaging other superstars in Hollywood fashion. Shannon Moore will go against Matt Hardy and team up with Rikishi. After the match, Shannon will attempt to return Rikishi to the sea. Unfortunately for all of us, the attempt fails, and we have to see another Rikishi match the week following.
-Kurt Angle will continue his well-deserved championship reign until Wrestlemania, where Brock will dethrone him and beat the holy hell out of him again. Upon his return, Kurt will ride around in a wheelchair and communicate with Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin via telepathy. Charlie will be given a yellow visor with a slit in it, and Shelton will have his hair dyed blue and run around really fast.

Final Thought

Well, at least the WWE is already starting to build momentum for Wrestlemania, which is good. Jericho-HBK, Brock-Angle, Hogan-Vince and possibly Booker-HHH all already have the seeds for those matches planted. This is a good thing. This could turn out to be a great Wrestlemania yet, so let's not get our hopes down. Oh by the way, last week I was joking about the Willie Nelson tickets. A couple of people actually thought I was being serious, but I just want to reiterate that I am but a poor college student who would either use Willie tickets for myself or scalp them before I just give them away. That being said, the tenth person to email me this week gets a personally autographed picture of Killer Kowalski! So email me to win your picture today! Take care, and pleasant dreams.

-Snapple

Email me at happydude5000@msn.com








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