Wrestling in a Bottle: Week-in-Review, Armageddon Predictions, More
Submitted by Snapple on Saturday, December 14, 2002 at 12:39 PM EST





Hello hello, frosty beverage fans. Snapple here to serve you the only wrestling column that delivers in 30 minutes or the breadsticks are free, Wrestling in a Bottle. Well, all my college brethren out there have probably been suffering through the dreaded time of the semester known as FINALS. Ah yes, the smell of caffeine and Red Bull is in the air, and all across campus people are trying to cram those important tidbits of knowledge into their heads the night before an exam that they've neglected all semester. Hey, I'm not judging, because I'm doing the exact same damn thing. Just know that I'm right with you, spending many sleep-deprived nights trying to fit this information in my head. Luckily, I always have time for RAW and Smackdown! No silly government homework is more important than me watching big men smack the snot out of each other twice a week. That being said, let's take a look at what's been going on.

What's your Story?

Well, this week has been hypefest time for the WWE, as they try desparately to make a sell for Armageddon. I will admit though that if there were other wrestlers in the place of Big Show and Albert on the card, we'd have a perfectly sound wrestling event (on paper, of course). Actually, even through all the hype, the WWE somehow managed to not overexpose any of the feuds this week to the point of annoyance. Well, I'll explain.

On RAW this week, the show starts off immediately by saying that Triple-H and Shawn Michaels will now be featured in a Two-out-of-Three Falls Match. Well, that certainly made things watchable. I also noticed that none of the three falls were a straight wrestling match. It just goes to prove that Triple-H needs a big gimmicky match to make him watchable. Notice how Triple-H's only really good matches so far this year have been gimmick matches (Hell in a Cell, Summerslam Streetfight, Elimination Chamber, etc). On the other hand, I think the title match Sunday will be quite entertaining. The only thing that will make it not entertaining is the fact that I'm 99% sure who's going to win it, and unless you're totally oblivious, that person is Triple-H. the only really question is whether Shawn's one win will be in the streetfight or the cage match. Still, it'll most likely be a spectacle to watch. Even Triple-H can't mess this one up.

One of the more notable things that also happened early in the show on RAW was that Booker T and Goldust actually LOST a match to Regal and Storm, to which Goldust tried to renounce his partnership with Booker T, saying that he wants Booker to win the tag titles, and that he would even quit the team and find a new partner to make that happen. Even though I saw what would come next a MILE away, Booker T stopped Goldust right before he went to Bischoff's office and told him that he's the best tag partner he's ever had. A lot of emotional stuff followed, and I was genuinely touched by all the male bonding crap.

I laughed very much at Kane mocking Sean Morley. See, why can't they let Kane go back to doing his comedy routine? That stuff is absolutely golden. Kane has been almost ruined by necrophilia, and it's a damn sad thing. Kane continued his feud with Batista by interfering in the RVD-Batista match later on. RVD later returned the favor by helping Kane take out 3-Minute Warning. Up until recently, I would've pegged RVD for interfering in Kane's Armageddon match. I would've gone a step further and said it would be the perfect opportunity for RVD to pull a swerve and turn heel on Kane. Then imagine, not only do you setup a Kane-RVD feud, but you also complete the horsemen by adding RVD to Flair's ranks. I guess the writers aren't that smart though.

The last thing I'll say about RAW is the Flair speech. Wow. Flair still has it in him after all, maybe not as a wrestler, but as a manager of sorts. All that crap he was spewing at HBK was pure dynamite as far as I'm concerned. It made me actually care about the HBK-HHH feud again.

On Smackdown! we finally see the long-awaited in-ring debut of Bē (Thanks to Brad and LGalardi for showing me how to write the superscript 2). Unfortunately, now that I know how to write Bē, he now decides to go by the name B-2 instead. B-2 is an even worse name than Bē! I mean, how can you have a B-2 without a B-1? At any rate, I think it's still too early to tell how B's skills have developed in OVW, if they have at all. Personally, I don't think his ring skills have ever been a problem. The WWE just didn't know what to do with him since he has no personality. I'm still waiting for him to whip out that mean scissor kick of his. Maybe the WWE doesn't want him to upstage Booker T?

You know it's funny how quickly the WWE people can whip together a new Titantron video for Albert when Paul Heyman had just invented the phrase "A-Train" about an hour prior. Those guys must work fast or something.

One thing I'll say about Vince McMahon. He knows how to put on a show, not just in the ring but backstage as well. He even got that reporter who was granted full-access to call Vince the "defender of public decency" in his article. I will give y'all a second to laugh before I move on.

Brock in Angle's corner? Hmm... interesting. Not only that, but the WWE is already planting the seeds of the Angle-Lesnar feud. That is very, very cool that they're actually planning ahead for once. Good job, WWE. You almost make me want to care about a Big Show match.

Armageddon Predictions

Chris Benoit vs. Eddie Guerrero
I'm almost positive that either this or the 4-Way Tag Match will be the match of the night. Now that I think about it, I don't think these two have had a singles match since Benoit came back from retirement. Here I thought that every possible combination of matches between the Smackdown! Six had already been done before. Well, there's one thing for sure, and that's that Benoit and Guerrero are two of the greatest wrestlers on the planet in their own right. Not only that, but these guys know each other better than anyone else does. I don't see how this match could possibly be anything but excellent. Eddie still has the tag title to keep him over, and Benoit is just now trying to turn face, so this win is crucial to his status, I think.
Snapple's Pick: Chris Benoit

Kane vs. Batista
Let me go on the record now of saying that if this match stinks, I blame it all on Batista. This is not just because I'm a Kane mark, but also because I see flaws with Batista's wrestling style. Still, we have yet to see Batista in a PPV-length match, so this will be the test. If the Undertaker and Test can have a good match together, then so can Kane and Batista. Kane, in my opinion, is a better wrestler than the Undertaker slightly, so anything wrong with this match is Batista's fault. The only way I could possibly accept Kane losing this match is if RVD turned on him and cost him the match. Of course, RVD is hosting at THE WORLD this Sunday, which means that won't happen. By the way, that is a huge insult for RVD. Hosting from the World is Maven's job. Kane's done nothing but elevate talent for his entire WWF tenure. Now it's Kane's time to finally get a push. Losing is not an option.
Snapple's Pick: Kane

Edge vs. the A-Train
The A-Train. Good lord, I will never understand what Vince sees in this guy. The man formerly known as Prince Albert has been tainting my TV set for too long, and he has gotten nowhere. Granted, he's not as bad a wrestler as Big Show or Mark Henry, but he's not very good either. Plus, he really needs to shave his back. I can't stand looking at that man. Edge is certain to be WWE champion before too long, and Albert hasn't been seen off Velocity in months. This match against Edge was originally to be against Matt Hardy. Now, Matt hasn't been seen on Smackdown! in two weeks because of the Albert push. That's just super. Maybe it's just out of spite, but I hope Edge squashes and buries this hairy thing.
Snapple's Pick: Edge

Women's Title: Victoria (c) vs Trish Stratus vs Jacqueline
I cannot believe Jackie actually pinned Victoria with a simple heel kick. Yeah, that makes the champion look real strong. Not that anyone cares that much about the women's division anyway. I like seeing Steven Richards and Victoria together though, with the exception that I know they're going to start booking them in intergender tag matches together. Ugh. Remember all those months we had to watch the tag team of Bubba and Trish night after night after night? Yeah, that got old. At any rate, I see Victoria retaining here. Usually triangle matches seem to end in the champion retaining his title, I've noticed. The only exception I can think of is the Undertaker-Rock-Angle match. Still, logic is logic.
Snapple's Pick: Victoria

4-Way Elimination Tag Titles Match: Bookdust vs. Christian/Jericho (c) vs. Dudleys vs. Regal/Storm
I fully expect this to be a great match, especially if Regal and Storm are the first team eliminated. Talk about a boring tag team. Hey, Storm is a good wrestler and Regal is one of the best ever on the mic, but these guys put me to sleep every time I see them as a team! The Dudleys have just recently been reunited, so they've still got that very fresh feeling. Plus, Christian/Jericho and Bookdust never cease to put on spectacular matches. Booker T and Goldust... I would've never guessed that they would jell as a tag team as well as they have. They deserve the titles more than anyone in this match, and I think that Vince knows it. At least I hope he does.
Snapple's Pick: Booker T and Goldust

WWE Highly Disputed Title: Big Show (c) vs. Kurt Angle
It has been said that Kurt Angle can carry a mop to a three-star match. Well, when the mop becomes champion, then maybe I'll be interested in this matchup. But seriously, I don't think that even the Godlike Kurt Angle can put on a great match with Big Show. The one thing that will surely make this match interesting will be having Brock Lesnar in Kurt's corner. That will add some spice to the feud. Expect Brock himself to cost the match for Angle by causing a DQ. Or maybe Big Show will count himself out when he starts chasing Jamie Noble around the backstage area with a jar of mustard.
Snapple's Pick: Big Show

2/3 Falls Match for the World Championship: Shawn Michaels (c) vs. Triple-H
I still say this will be a good match. These men should work their butts off to entertain us, even if I know exactly who is going to win. I expect nothing less, and I will not go easy on them in my judgment just because Trips has had better years. And to think, Shawn said he'd already done his last singles match. Ha! Now he gets three more in the same night. Trips will take the prize. Yadda yadda.
Snapple's Pick: Hunter Hearst Hickenbottom

What Chris Nowinski Did This Week

Well this week, Chris first teamed up on HeAT with D-Lo Brown for some reason to take out Al Snow. Or was it Maven? In either case, we then had a tag match setup for RAW of Snow-Maven vs. Nowinski-Brown. I will say it wasn't a bad tag match, however it was still way too short. They need to give these guys some time in the ring, especially Nowinski. How's he supposed to get better at his craft if he doesn't get quality experience? Maven's practically a lost cause as far as I'm concerned. That's just my opinion, though. Feel free to disagree, as I know many do. Another concern is that D-Lo was HeAT's top face. Now that he's gone, what will Raven do? Feud with Spike Dudley? Doesn't look good for HeAT. Nosirree bob. I don't think Nowinski cut a promo this week either. What a load of crap! He's great on the microphone.

Flavor of the Week

This week's flavor is Ric Flair. Now I know you might be thinking that Flair shouldn't get the award. He didn't even wrestle this week. Well, I can almost nearly assure you that if Flair *had* wrestled this week, he would NOT be getting an award. That sounds pretty harsh, doesn't it? Well, personally I don't think Flair can wrestle very well anymore. I respect his achievements, but all he's done lately is wrestle poorly, and as Daveyboy puts it, "sucks heat from everyone he feuds with". I figure because of these things that Flair won't get many opportunities to win my prestigiously useless award. However, this week Flair totally woke me up and got me totally focused on RAW. It's hard for someone to do that, as it's easy to tune out of mediocre programming, but in addition to managing Batista, Flair took the time to actually make me fear Triple-H. He made the main event feud seem damn interesting. I hung on his every word, and he almost made me believe that Triple-H needed to be passed a torch. Notice I said almost. Flair isn't a miracle worker after all, but he did enough to make him earn the award at least once before he never wins it again.

Chump of the Week

This week's chump will be Maven. There's no particular reason. I don't think anyone's sucking particularly stood out this week. Even Triple-H only spoke for like three minutes on RAW. Wasn't that lovely? Anywho, Maven was in the ring this week, meaning he officially qualifies for this award. Plus, I don't like him. So why not?

Pieces of Randomness

-I wonder if the Ass Cream will be used as a foreign object in the 4-way tag match.
-Triple-H's new title reign will be very short, after Mr. Fuji foolishly bets the newly won title against a returning Hulk Hogan.
-The only bad thing about Mark Henry being gone is that I can't make as many jokes about him.
-I have seen the man that will save the WWE from its ratings slump and draw new fans from all around the world, and that man is Irwin R. Shyster.
-Due to the mild success of Hulk Hogan's run in the WWE, numerous nostalgic names have been signed to compete. As a follow up, it has been predicted that the winner of the Royal Rumble this year will be either Giant Gonzales or Dino Bravo.
-I'm having trouble thinking of Randomness this week.
-Exhibition match for Wrestlemania: The Dell Dude vs. Alf. Dell Dude steals the victory after smashing an 18" monitor across Alf's head and proclaiming, "Dude, you're gettin' a Dell!"
-Big Show is a great champion... FOR ME TO POOP ON!
-Well, RVD is hosting Armageddon from the World this Sunday. In a related story, pigs can fly and the temperture has dropped to a cool -10 degrees fahrenheit in Hell, allowing that single snowball to sit just comfortably.

Final Thought

My brain is a little fried this week. I'm talking about finals again. Don't worry though. I'll still have a fresh column for you next week. Plus, I think I might actually be getting Armageddon, unlike the last three PPVs, which I have skipped. So hopefully I will have a full Armageddon review next week. Until then, I don't feel like writing anymore, quite frankly. I'd rather go back to playing Dragonball Z: Budokai for Playstation 2. Really cool fighting game by the way. At any rate, keep the wrestling alive! Vive la Jericho, and all that good stuff...

Keep sending me feeback! It fuels my ego. happydude5000@msn.com

By the way, something perhaps I should stress is that I have NO affiliation with the WWE whatsoever. If I have somehow given out that idea, then I take it back. Don't email me as if I work for Vince. Pretty silly, huh? Have a good Armageddon, everybody.

-Snapple








*NEW GALLERY* Very PRIVATE Shots of Maria & CM Punk MAKING OUT!!

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