The Professor's Classroom #114: One Incredible Thing After Another
Submitted by The Professor on Thursday, September 26, 2002 at 10:40 PM EST





Yes, class, I’m still shaking my head about it. In fact, the entire distinguished faculty here at the Powerbomb Institute of the Net (PIN) is buzzing about it. Wait...I’m getting an update from PIN’s Department of Meteorology...it’s the latest weather forecast for Hell: heavy snow through tomorrow, with a high of 32 degrees Fahrenheit (0 Celsius). And was that a pig that just flew past the classroom window?

What your Professor is talking about is a September 17th Internet column that took WWE to task for some of the overlong promos (HHH was specifically mentioned) and for some of the shows, particularly Raw, that are more story-oriented than wrestling-oriented, and are chasing away viewers.

Well, that’s hardly a news flash. You have seen any number of columns on the Net, including this fine site you’re reading now, which pretty much have the same conclusions based on the same arguments. So, why is this particular column so amazing?

Because the column was written by one Brian Solomon, who writes columns for WWE’s own web site. And WWE, to their credit, has left the column up, and continued to employ Mr. Solomon.

Now, predictably, at least one other writer on that site has taken Mr. Solomon to task for that column. Mr. Solomon himself had a curious disclaimer at the beginning of his next column, but didn’t backtrack from what he had written. In fact, after the obligatory swipes at Internet “smarks” (Jim Ross disease, no doubt), he had some rather candid observations about WWE’s “brand extension,” including agreeing with something I have said before – that the term “brand extension” is boo-awful. (He didn’t use that term—I did.)

Well, what do you know? Someone in WWE, albeit on the periphery, has the guts to publicly say that the Emperor has no clothes, instead of the usual “Vince is a genius, everything Vince does is inspired, Vince is wonderful (*kiss kiss kiss*).” Maybe someone there finally has a clue. Maybe they’re not just re-arranging the deck chairs over there at Titanic...er, Titan Tower.

Why, this could lead to an entire series of gut-wrenching, honest revelations by prominent people in WWE, as more and more people on the payroll begin to see the light. Any day now, we’re sure to see some or all of the following:

HHH walks out at the beginning of Raw, climbs into the ring, and picks up the microphone: “You, know, I’ve been thinking. I think I’m on camera too much. I think I play politics too much. I think I talk too much. As of now, Stephanie and I are history. It’s a conflict of interest. I’m gonna wrestle exclusively on Heat for the next two months, so newer wrestlers can get some TV time. And the heck with this stupid phony Raw world title—it’s a joke!” Tossing the belt aside, he strides out of the ring to a standing ovation.

The next day, Vince walks up to Jeff Hardy and says, “Jeff, I’m tired of seeing you get squashed like a grape every week. The singles run with you and Matt just isn’t working out. Let’s bring the Hardy Boyz back together again!” Jeff limped away shaking with excitement.

Later in the day, Vince stopped in at a writer’s meeting. “Folks, we’re going to do away with all the trashy HLA garbage, as of now. I want wrestling-oriented storylines, and I want them NOW!”

As Vince drove home for the night, Undertaker reached him on his cell phone. “Vince, I just can’t do this any more. I just ain’t getting it done in the ring, and I’m stinkin’ up Smackdown. I think someone else should be wrestling in my spot. Do I get to keep the motorcycle?” Vince promised to think about it.

Across town, Sean Waltman/X-Pac/Syxx-Pac shuts off the VCR after watching some tapes of his WWE performances. He shakes his head and says to nobody in particular, “Man...I really DO suck!”

Next morning, Jerry Lawler runs into Paul Heyman in the hallway. “Paul, I’ve been thinking...my schtick with the ‘puppies’ and the teenage lust for anything in a skirt is really stale. You’ve got a wonderful way of calling matches and elevating the participants. Would you mind working with me so I can get closer to that style?” They are in earnest conversation for the rest of the day.

Down the hall, a still-excited Jeff Hardy happened to look in a mirror, frowned, and said, “My God, all this paint makes me look like an idiot! I’ll never use it again!”

When he finally gets behind his desk, Vince has a fax waiting from Bob Costas over at NBC: “Vince: the noticeable improvements to WWE shows have me excited! If you ever need someone to fill in for Jim Ross, just give me a call. Bob.”

Meanwhile, the following letter is received at PIN: “Dear Professor: We would like to hire you as our new script consultant, at a modest salary of $650,000 per year, plus expenses and bonuses. We love you, and we need you! Sincerely, Vince and Linda McMahon.”

Hm...OK, but only if I get to help with Lita’s rehab...

-- The Professor --

PIN Phony Rumor of The Week: On the next edition of Raw: Dr. Phil counsels Billy and Chuck to get rid of their anger with Rico and move on with their lives! (Thanks to OBWan3027)

(Email to TheProfessor11@hotmail.com. Feel free to submit possibilities for the Phony Rumor of the Week. If your rumor is used in the Classroom, you will win three minutes to entertain Eric Bischoff. Hospital fees not included.)










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