The Bottom Line
Submitted by Easy J on Sunday, June 16, 2002 at 2:13 AM EST



Welcome one and all to the main page debut of The Bottom Line. I am the one and only Easy J, and welcome to my world. After writing for the message boards for the past several months, I finally got my big bump to the main page. It’s certainly nice to be here for your reading pleasure. I have four regular segments in my column, which you will see here every week. First of all, there is the legendary Ross Report. The Ross Report is the more humorous segment of the column, and allows me to rip on WWE through the voice of Jim Ross (or at least an even dumber version of him, if that’s possible). Next, there is Addressing The Issue. Addressing looks at a current issue in the wrestling world today, and closely examines it. Of course, my column is more or less nothing without Around The Table. Around The Table features various other columnists all giving their answers to the questions I ask, about any topic. Finally, there is Dissecting The Business, which looks at an angle, wrestler, or moment in wrestling history and how it went down. Occasionally, I’ll dedicate my column to one thing, or have a special count down list. Now, without further ado, I present to you The Bottom Line…

The Ross Report
Address The Issue: Get The F Out Austin!
Dissecting The Business: History Of The Gimmick Match
Plugging Away

The Ross Report

Disclaimer: The following segment is simply meant to exagerate someone’s faults. It contains vulgar language and some offensive material and might offend some people who have a limited sense of humor.

“Hello there folks and welcome once again to The Ross Report. Good old J.R. here and what a week it was for myself. It was nice to return to my homeland of Oklahoma and see all those great Oklahomians who just eat me up everytime I go out there and give it my all. Hahahahaha, oh my! On with the Report…”

Diamond Dallas Page retired this week. Shit! Who are we going to feud with Bob Holly now??

Kevin Nash suffered a concusion at this week’s RAW when his head swelled up and he couldn’t get through a door way and hit his head hard.

Triple H suffered another elbow injury when he accidentally ran into Stephanie McMahon’s titanium breasts during a recent visit to the McMahon house.

The Undertaker recently asked Dr. Andrews what he could do to stop all the medical problems he’s been having lately. Andrews responded by telling him to retire four years ago.

Trish Stratus is at her home in Toronto suffering from an exploding implant.

X-Pac is complaining of back problems. Aww, poor baby!

There was some heat between Hulk Hogan and Kurt Angle after this week’s Smackdown taping. Apparently, Hogan liked Angle’s hair piece so much that he was refusing to give it back, and Angle grew furious.

Congradulations to Terri for recently celebrating her 50th…face lift.

Brian Gerwitz is working on a current angle for the Tough Enough 2 cast. The current plans are to have Jake announce that he is fathering Jackie’s child, thus causing tension between lesbian lovers Linda and Jackie. Linda and Vince McMahon will then come out and reveal that they actually had two other children, who will turn out to be Jackie and Jake. Doesn’t get any better than that does it folks?

At a recent ceremony, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin was awarded the ‘Mick Foley Award’, also known as the ‘Smartest Business Move of the Year Award’.

That does it for this week. Until next week, this is JR saying, “Yeeeee-HAW!!”

Address The Issue: Get The F Out Austin!

Alright. This issue has been in need of some attention for a while. Now, I have a very good excuse to touch upon it. Steve Austin is now, officially, no longer apart of the Artist Formerly Known As The World Wrestling Federation. I never thought I would hear myself say those words (especially under these circumstances), but they are, in fact, true. First of all, Austin has been mistreated and misused for months now. And even though the storylines have been on a tremendous downward spiral as of late, the WWF still refused to utilize Austin. This week, Austin walked out the door for the last time, and believe me, I’m sure he has no intention of coming back. So now, Vince and Good Old JR are going to come down hard on Austin this Saturday on Confidential. With all the hype, it sounds just like Vince’s speech the night after the Montreal Incident. Vince should be thanking God that his best star didn’t punch him out this time around.

Lets think about this now. Bret Hart made it vocal back in 1997 that he was upset with the WWF product. He claimed it was too raunchy and that it wasn’t something he would want his kids to watch. This past October, Mick Foley left the federation because he was unhappy with the direction of the storylines, and felt that it wasn’t appropriate for his children. Now we’ve got Austin leaving the WWE because he’s upset with the way he’s been treated and the way his storylines have been going as of late. Three superstars, all with a lot of class I might add, left the federation mainly because of the direction of the company. My question is why couldn’t the WWF/E just listen to their superstars and pertain to their opinions?

Before I get into this further, I want you to all understand that I am behind Steve Austin one hundred percent and totally admire what he did. Now, why would ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin have a right to be unhappy? Let’s look at the details…

Austin said that, as of late, Vince McMahon had not been showing him enough attention. Back in 1998, Austin was Vince’s most prized possession. If it hadn’t been for Austin, Vince wouldn’t have become what he is today. The WWF would not have been able to stay alive, Vince would not have become the billionaire he became, and WWFE never would have bought out all their competition. Vince didn’t make Austin. He simply set the ball up for Austin to spike it. Austin was obviously upset because he was losing Vince’s ear, since Vinnie Mac was apparently too tied up in his own ego.

Second, look at what Austin has been involved with this year. Austin was the man who carried the company last year. I don’t care what people say about the invasion angle or the WWF buying out WCW. Face it, the WWF had a really bad year last year plot wise. If it hadn’t been for Austin, they would have been complete shit. Recently, Austin has been forced to settle for a midcard feud with Scott Hall, job to the Undertaker on a PPV, and get into a side feud with the Big Show. Austin made it apparent that he didn’t want to feud with Hall, and look at what became of the situation. The WWF hired a drunk, who had a long history of trouble with companies he’s worked for and the law, and still, they hire him, only to fire him several months later. After Wrestlemania, Austin was basically reduced to midcard status of the overall roster. Reports are even saying that he was told he was going to have to job to Brock Lesnar on Monday.

Third, Austin was obviously not happy with the people in the lockerroom. Austin has made it apparent that he does not like Hogan, and Vince’s recent love for Hogan probably pissed Austin off. I’m sure Hall’s antics and Kevin Nash’s whining and complaining didn’t set well with Austin at all either. Now, Hall is out of the WWE, and Shawn Michaels is back in. As stated in many columns, Michaels and Nash are a deadly lockerroom combination. I’m sure Austin remembers that from his earlier days in the WWF when Nash was still around. Most unfortunate of all is that Nash’s and even Michaels’ egos influence others in the lockerroom, especially Clique buddies like X-Pac.

Finally, I believe Austin got a peak at his Wrestlemania paycheck and was not happy with the figures he was looking at. Part of the reason could be that he decided to walk out on the WWF the night after Wrestlemania and because he refused to job to Hall, but I doubt Austin is blaming himself for a bad paycheck. In the long run, Austin made the smartest move he could have in his situation. He didn’t go peacefully, which helped to reiterate the fact that he’s not interested in returning to the WWE anytime. Look at it this way; it’s WWE’s loss, not Austin’s. WWE lost one of their biggest, and most valued stars. All Austin lost was a lot of unhappiness and agrivation. Now he has creative freedom and can do whatever he wants.

So what about the WWE? Personally, I laugh at how fucking pathetic they are. Need proof? Let’s take a look at a recent report...

Reportedly, Jim Ross and Vince McMahon are going to have some very harsh things to say about the Steve Austin on Saturday's Confidential and it is being thought of as a must-see show around the WWE offices. For those wondering about the "realness" of this situation, the general consensus is that this is a very real situation and some are even saying that they wouldn't be surprised if Austin never worked again in a WWE ring.

Well, it looks like the WWE still has to hype their own product in order to get people to watch their programs. Funny, it says that people around the WWE offices are calling it a must-see, but I don’t see too many people anywhere else who seem too interested. I’m sure this will draw a real big 1.3 rating, if that. Second of all, why would Austin want to perform in a WWE ring again? If he was mistreated as badly as they say he was, then why would he want to be involved with their product again? Some people are easily fooled, but I know that Austin isn’t.

So once again, I’ll revert back to my original question. Why couldn’t the WWE just clean up their product? They have an incredible roster, so why were there so many problems? What I don’t get is how the WWE could make it clear that even they know that the product sucks, yet they still do nothing to fix it. JR said in his recent Ross Report (no, not mine) that these changes would be gradual and would take some time. Well Jim, I have some news for you. While you’re in the proccess of changing all of these great storylines, ratings are still coming in, and shows are still being put on. You can’t overlook the present my friend.

I’ll be honest with all of you. I don’t remember the last time I sat down and watched a full episode of WWE programming. For some time now, I’ve found it to be a waste of time, and I follow the company by way of the internet. After this week, why would I want to endorse World Wrestling Entertainment? It’s not something I enjoy doing like I used to. Of course, when I did enjoy it, Steve Austin was wrestling for the company.

I will be watching Confidential this week. I want to see first hand what Vinnie and Jimmy have to say about Austin, and I will have some feedback for everyone next week. Believe me, if those two corporate puppets think they can destroy four years of hard work and dedication in 30 minutes, they’ve got another thing coming to them. Nothing that those two can make up will destroy the legacy that Steve Austin created. Consider this issue addressed…

Dissecting The Business: History Of The Gimmick Match

What would wrestling be without the gimmick? In the world of wrestling, gimmicks mean everything. Gimmick matches are always exciting to look forward to, as it adds a real wild card into the match, and can really spice things up. Ever since the 1980s, gimmck matches have taken a turn for the daring and bizarre. The expectation to perform and to try something new increases with every match. Today, we’ll take a look at the gimmick match and the expectations that fans put on the performer.

About twenty years ago, gimmick matches were matches of a most interesting nature. The World Wrestling Federation had created the ultimate gimmick event of the year with it’s annual Survivor Series. People like Jerry Lawler and Adrian Adonis were ending up bald, courtesy of the Hair Match. All over the nation, the widespread popularity of the Scaffold Match was growing, and made famous by the Midnight Express and Rock ‘N Roll Express feud in the old NWA. And of course, the Cage Match was the high watermark of gimmick matches, and always utilized to settle the final score in. Other gimmick matches like the Indian Strap Match, the Lumberjack Match, and, my personal favorite, the Battle Royal were all being made famous by wrestlers around the world. It was until the 1990s that the gimmick landscape was about the change…

In the late 1980s, the frame of mind of wrestling fans began to change. New gimmick matches, like the Ladder Match, Casket Match, War Games Cage Match, Stretcher Match, and Falls Count Anywhere match, to name a few, were being utilized. With the addition of new, innovative gimmicks came the demand for wrestlers to step it up a notch every time they peformed. In other words, it became expected of wrestlers to top the last gimmick match of the same kind. For instance, there was a lot of pressure on the Hardys and Edge & Christian to top the previous Razor Ramon-Shawn Michaels ladder matches, which were some of the most revolutionary matches of all time. Old gimmick matches were being perversed or added on to better suit the new way. A good example would be the Brian Lee-Tommy Dreamer High Incident Scaffold Match in ECW, which had the added feature of several tables stacked high in the ring to ensure a ride in the ambulence for the loser. Even a match like the Best of 3 Falls Match had the added attraction of a gimmick for each fall, much like the Austin-Triple H encounter, or the earlier Cactus Jack-Eddie Gilbert series.

Perhaps, the most world famous gimmick match of all time is the Death Match. The death match was an idea created by men like Atsushi Onita and Matsunaga in Japan. The notion of the death match became the drivining force behind companies like FMW, IWA, and Big Japan Wrestling. In the early 1990s, death matches usually involved things like barbed wire, thumbtacks, nails, glass, fire, and even explosives. Throughout the decade, they have evolved, and now involve anything, like drills, cacti, flaming coffins, electric barbed wire, piranhas, lightbulbs and lighttubes, scorpions, chandeliers, and other weapons of destruction. Variations have been made of the death match to better suit the competitors, like the Mexican Deathmatch between Rey Mysterio Jr. and Psicosis. This has lead to a major influence of American wrestling, especially in the independent territories.

Since the birth of the violence revolution in wrestling during the mid 90s, most wrestling fans have leaned more towards the garbage end of the spectrum. With the influence of ECW and Japan, the popular hardcore style caused the WWF and the old WCW to pertain more to the hardcore-driven fans. Their attempts were weak, but have yet to stop. However, the real hardcore matches don’t involved aluminum garbage cans or fire exstinguishers. Instead, they involve people doing swanton bombs off of ladders, or people soaring off of cages. What do they do it for though? Once again, the pressure and expectation that is put on the wrestler is very high. Unfortunately, it can only get higher. There can only be more tables to fall through and higher ladders to fall off of. It’s not the other way around.

To sum it all up, gimmick matches are the playground of risk and entertainment. It is the best time for a wrestler to step it up, and exceed the expectations of the viewer. These expectations are driven by the violence oriented wrestling we see nowadays, as opposed to the 1980s and earlier. Personally, I have no expectations to be met. I expect a wrestler to be entertaining, and not to kill himself just because he wants to go a step beyond what the wrestler before him did. It just makes more sense that way doesn’t it?

While we’re on the topic of gimmick matches, I decided to have a little fun and write up my Top 10 Favorite Gimmick Matches. These are the gimmicks I most enjoy seeing, and the best example of each one…

10 – First Blood Match: The concept of a First Blood Match is very unique, and gives the wrestlers a good excuse to get medieval on each other. Easily the best example of this would be the Dusty Rhodes-Tully Blanchard encounter from Starracade ’86, in which JJ Dillion quickly covered the bloody Blanchard in ointment after Blanchard nailed Rhodes with the roll of quarters.

09 – Stretcher Match: A good Stretcher Match always promises that someone is going to walk away, or not walk away as the case may be, hurt. The aforementioned Jack-Gilbert series included a good Stretcher Match, but no one could put on a Stretcher Match quite like Van Dam and Sabu, especially back in 1996.

08 – I Quit or Submission Match: Nothing resembles a test of fortitude or balls quite like a good old I Quit or Submission Match. If two wrestlers aren’t well equiped with a good arsensal of submission moves in one of these matches, they’ll end up just beating the hell out of each other until one man gives up. No doubt, the best match labelled as a Submission Match would definitely be Hart vs. Austin from Wrestlemania 13, while the best I Quite match would have to be The Rock vs. Mankind from the Royal Rumble ’99.

07 – Falls Count Anywhere Match: Always a fun and exciting match, the Falls Count Anywhere Match basically spawned into the Hardcore Match in the World Wrestling Federation during the Additude era. This match basically becomes a contest of where can we fight to this time? The best example of this would be when the Road Dogg battled Al Snow to the parking lot in the middle of a snow storm. But easily the best Falls Count Anywhere Match would have to be the Terry Funk-Mick Foley match from May of 1998.

06 – Lumberjack Match: A lumberjack match always produces great excitement, considering that the lumberjacks are usually hand-picked by the competitors and can never get along. Memorable lumberjack matches would have to include the Headbangers vs. The Godwinns, or Diesel vs. Sid Vicious for the World Title. By the way, I am kidding…

05 – Death Match: A death match basically includes whatever the hell you want it to. As I said earlier, anything your brain can muster up has more or less been used in a death match. No wrestling fan can truly call themself a wrestling fan if they haven’t seen the IWA King Of The Deathmatch Tournament. I’d say the best deathmatch was the Terry Funk-Cactus Jack barbedwire and fire deathmatch, which was not the same from the tournament.

04 – Ladder Match: What can I say about the ladder match? It has provided us with the most daring and famous matches of the past several years. From the Ramon-Michaels ladder matches to the Hardys-E & C ladder match, which spawned a whole new ladder match; the TLC Match. There are so many greats in this one, but I’d have to go with Ramon-Michaels from Wrestlemania X.

03 – Cage Match: A cage match is the most notorious gimmick match of all time. Cage matches have even become a much more regular gimmick match to see, as you can easily find one on any television program or live event nowadays. Best cage match of all time is definitely the Hell In A Cell Match between the Undertaker and Shawn Michaels.

02 – Best Of 3 Falls: I’ve always enjoyed these types of matches. Any match like this, or even a series, like the Booker T-Chris Benoit or Koloff-Magnum series, always gets me going. It’s a real test of endurance, and I definitely prefer it over the Iron Man Match. Austin-Triple H was definitely the best example.

01 – Battle Royal: The battle royal is the most entertaining match to watch. This is great way to get all the talent you can muster together to beat the hell out of each other. From this spawned the concept for the almight Royal Rumble match, which is one of the most anticipated events of the year. Best battle royal was definitely the main event from Wrestlemania 2, and the best Royal Rumble match ever was the 1992 or 1999 matches.

Plugging Away

That does it for this week folks. Next week, I will have a very special edition of The Bottom Line in store for you all. Originally, this edition was to be my big return to the message boards until I found out I was moving up and decided to hold off on it. With that being said, next week, The Bottom Line presents to you all the Top 10 Tag Teams and Top 10 Wrestlers of All Time. To see who made the list, check The Bottom Line out next week. In addition to that, I’ll have my feedback for this weekend’s WWE Confidential. Also, if any of you have feedback or want to see some particular discussed in any of the above segments, email me at easyj85@aol.com. Until next time, take it easy…

And that’s The Bottom Line, cause Easy J said so.








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