Dead Bodies Everywhere
    Submitted by Jaymz on Friday, May 31, 2002 at 5:43 PM EST

    Welcome back to a brand new edition of Dead Bodies Everywhere! Are you ready? Me either, but I've already started so you have no choice now.

    So the WWF (I refuse to type "WWE") is now in panic mode due to the recent slump in ratings. Usually this would mean that they would put on extra good shows to get everyone back, but is that happening? Apparently Raw (which I missed, unfortunately) wasn't bad, but Smackdown looks pretty much the same as it does every other week.

    Oh, but we had a spectacular cage match (from what I read, anyway) on Smackdown...woo! I mean that with the utmost sarcasm. Gimmick matches just to spike ratings are only a temporary solution. Sure, the WWF is frantically trying to "fix" the "problem" but they're really fixing the wrong thing. The WWF needs Bob the Builder to fix this mess.

    Let's see, your ratings are down, but yet you STILL continue to have the Oldertaker (that's mine) on TV trying to convice us that at his age he's still a badass and still demands respect. I swear, the WWF should just get Rodney Dangerfield to feud with Oldertaker in a "I get no respect" match up.

    Another problem with Oldertaker is that he's yet to start shit with anyone for a decent feud. I thought the RVD match up was the start of something great, but then the next week we see him beating down a guy who eats hair because it's "funny". Now that's really proving something there. I'm all for tasteless humor, I love it, but what kind of a gimmick is that?

    The other thing that the WWF needs to fix is it's memory. Shit, Hogan can remember more than they can. Wasn't it just two months ago that Flair and 'Taker were busting each other open with lead pipes? Contrary to what the WWF thinks, fans do not forget about things...unless you're Chyna or Sable. Who? I don't know about you guys, but if somebody busted me open with a lead pipe it would take a little longer than just 2 months to forget about the whole thing and become buddies with them.


    Also, the WWF is pushing the wrong people...still. This is always a problem, but at least they realized it with Bradshaw. Now if they could only see the same fucking thing in 'Taker, Rikishi, Hogan and Test, then they'd be started on the right track. Okay, if you're in Canada then you can push Hogan. But if you're in the US, what's Hogan's push aboot? Hulkamania is becoming as crippled as it's founder.

    What I'm trying to convey to you is that the WWF may start to dust itself off until ratings return to an acceptable number; but then we'll probably go back to same old shit week after week. If ratings continue to fall, I'm afraid Mr. Tito's prophecy will become a reality: Stephanie McMahon will return. Hip-hip, hooray! Adding another pair of tits to the show isn't going to do anything either, but according to their logic, it will.

    Of course, the tits aren't a problem either. The WWF has some of the best around, but the problem with that is that they try to make those tits wrestle. As much as I dream, tits can't wrestle. I'm all for girl-on-girl action, but the kind I have in mind doesn't involve a strap of gold. The one involving a strap of gold doesn't excite many others either. Is WWF's Bob the Builder here to fix this? Nope. Week after week we have a woman's match on Raw, and as this happens I use the 6 minutes to vomit, piss, feed my dog (when I remember to), or read paper that I find on the floor. If the women aren't in a bikini, nobody cares.

    Somebody asked me why horrible shit is pushed week after week. My answer was that it's kind of like every other sport...they've spent an assload on certain people and instead of letting that money go to waste they put those people on television. Look at Mark Henry, the man's making about $800,000 too much. He's not worth it, just like A-Rod isn't worth his money either. Yet, he's got to be on TV or the WWF has just wasted another million bucks.

    Sure, Mark Henry is the official "World's Strongest Man"...but that's about it. In fact he's getting ready for another competition. That's what he does, that's what he's good at. That doesn't mean he's good at wrestling, because he isn't. Sure, Kurt Angle may or may not take time off to train for the Olympics, but you tell me who's the better draw? Rock takes time off to make movies, but again...who's the better draw? Clearly Mark Henry is in the wrong field making way too much money.

    With that, I'm going to call it a column for this week. As always, thanks for reading. If you want to drop a line the e-mail addy is at the top and bottom. Also, you can contact me through AIM at Jaysus0Christ.

    Koltershock: Not for children.

    Jay




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