Dead Bodies Everywhere
    Submitted by Jaymz on Saturday, April 20, 2002 at 1:07 AM EST

    Welcome back to another erotic edition of Dead Bodies Everywhere! I'm so awesome at intros.

    First off, I have to apologize for my long absence. I had planned to get a column out last week but I just couldn't get into a rhythm. I felt like the Big Show: Slow and lethargic. But that was then and this is now, so let's get to it because it gets somewhat humorous in the end...really, it does.

    I guess a source of talk is this Sunday's PPV. Honestly I'm not terribly thrilled about seeing it. I don't get Smackdown anymore, so I have to read the Smackdown reports to find out what goes on there. The only reason I even know what the hell is going on this Sunday (besides my buddy Mr. Tito turning 22) is because I read this site. But just think about the other people who don't get Smackdown or Raw and who don't read the Internet. They're left in the dark.

    Not to mention reading a report doesn't have half of the entertainment value as watching it. Dog knows that a Chuck -n- Suck match sucks on paper, but on television it sucks exponentially!

    Of course they could always tune into Excess or something, but who's home at that time on Saturday nights? I try to set the VCR to record it but I always end up forgetting. I don't know, it's too early to tell if I like the split...I mean "brand extension" or not.

    Of course, it's only been 3 weeks. That isn't a lot of time to get good heat on a PPV. I'll give the WWF the benefit of the doubt this time because it's the first time anything like this has happened. I'll hold off my criticism until next month, when they have more time to build the PPV. For now just imagine the WWF saying "It's my first time, and I'm kinda nervous."

    Next time there are no excuses.

    So what will happen Sunday? One thing I really do not want is the original HHH to win the title. He's over for now, but have you forgotten about the injuries? Triple H's knees can barely work two shows just think about Hogan's ribs having to do the same. I don't think Hogan will win though, it just can't happen. Of course anytime I say this I think about the time David Arquette won the damn WCW title. If I was Booker T, I'd stop claiming to be a 5 time WCW champion.

    I don't know why but Backlash's match between Hogan and Hunter doesn't seem to have the "Dream Match" appeal that Wrestlemania's Hogan vs. Rock did. Maybe it's because the show itself isn't such a spectacle. Maybe because Hogan is back in his yellow and red attire. Maybe because...well, maybe because nobody really cares. Because of the brand extension, Hogan and Triple H can only feud once a week instead of twice. Not much room there for a great feud huh?

    What else is hampering Backlash? Aside from a few hot matches, the card isn't that exciting either. I don't understand why women's matches are held on PPVs other than for bathroom breaks. Like Chris Dailey said in his most recent column "They may pop out every now and then, but if you're that desperate to see some quick chest clips, flip on some Spice or something to get a quick flick, you'll see more there." Not to mention that the women's matches are ALWAYS after a hot match and it just fucking KILLS the crowd.

    Last month the women's match was held immediately after Rock vs. Hogan and the crowd died. Never did they resurrect for Jericho vs. HHH. But hey, was the women's match blamed for the dead crowd? Nope. They used the usual scapegoat Chris Jericho. The same scapegoat who isn't even on the fucking card this month but yet we get a tag team match with Al Snow and Maven vs. Chuck and Billy. Yay!

    And don't even give me this "But he's involved...he gets to do a run-in of some sort!!" either. A run-in is lame for the first undisputed champion and you know it. Do you think Austin would just do a run-in on a PPV? No, he would go home and wait until he got himself a match. Too bad Jericho doesn't have that kind of power.

    But back to the point, the women's match is a match that will surely bog the tempo down. If that's not enough, it'll probably be on right after Austin vs. Undertaker OR after RVD vs. Eddy Guerrero.

    The only other match up I'm looking forward to is Brock Lesnar vs. Jeff Hardy. Brock was an animal in person...just insanely huge. Even though it was supposed to be Matt Hardy, any skinny Hardy vs. this guy will be interesting. The rest of the matches are just kind of standard fanfare, but as I said before I'll hold off on judgment until next time.

    Before I finish out this column I'll do a quick run down of predictions since a lot of you requested it.

    Backlash 2002 Predictions



    WWF Undisputed Heavyweight Championship Match
    Triple H (champion) vs. Hulk Hogan
    Winner: Hogan

    - Jericho's run-in will probably screw Hogan over by accident, setting up a Hogan vs. Jericho feud which will be later changed to Hogan vs. Austin.

    #1 Contender Match
    Special Referee: Ric Flair
    Steve Austin vs. The Undertaker
    Winner: Austin

    - Jericho's run-in will probably screw Undertaker over by accident, setting up an Austin vs. HHH vs. Hogan feud leaving Jericho out in the cold.

    WWF Intercontinental Championship Match
    Rob Van Dam (champion) vs. Eddy Guerrero
    Winner: RVD

    - Jericho's run-in will not be seen here, but if it were to happen it would probably screw Eddy over by accident, setting up an Albert vs. Albert feud in a battle of mistaken identity.

    WWF Cruiserweight Championship Match
    Billy Kidman (champion) vs. Tajiri
    Winner: Tajiri

    - Jericho's run-in will probably screw Kidman over by accident, setting up a Kidman vs. Scotty II Hotty feud where Jericho will come to the aid of Scotty II Hotty propelling Scotty into main eventer heaven.

    WWF Women's Championship Match
    Jazz (champion) vs. Trish Stratus
    Winner: Trish

    - Jericho's run-in will not be seen here, but if it were to happen it would probably screw Jazz over by accident, setting up a Lita vs. Trish feud.

    WWF Tag Team Championship Match
    Billy & Chuck (champions) vs. Al Snow & Maven
    Winners: Chuck -n- Suck

    - Jericho's run-in will probably screw Al and Maven over by accident, setting up a Jericho vs. Maven feud in what is sure to be a real ratings winner in which Al Snow will get 100% credit since he did train Maven.

    WWF European Championship Match
    Spike Dudley (champion) vs. William Regal
    Winner: Regal

    - Jericho's run-in will not be seen here, but if it were to happen it would probably screw Spike over by accident, setting up a fabulous Spike vs. Big Show feud where Spike will win the title of "Eater of Giant Men."

    Kurt Angle vs. Edge
    Winner: Edge

    - Jericho's run-in will probably screw Angle over by accident, setting up an Angle vs. Chavo feud where Angle will get "injured" and will have to be replaced by Jericho.

    Bradshaw vs. Scott Hall
    Winner: Bradshaw

    - Jericho's run-in will not be seen here, but if it were to happen it would probably screw Scott Hall over by accident, setting up a Scott Hall vs. anyone that is willing to work with Hall feud.

    Brock Lesnar vs. Jeff Hardy
    Winner: Brock Lesnar

    - Jericho's run-in will not be seen here. Even Jericho is smart enough to know to stay the hell away from this badass motherfucker.

    With that, I'm going to call it a column for this week. As always, thanks for reading. If you want to drop a line the e-mail addy is at the top and bottom. Also, you can contact me through AIM at Jaysus0Christ.

    Koltershock: An educating experience!

    Jay




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