Tables, Ladders, and Keyboards
    Submitted by Shane Defy on Friday, March 29, 2002 at 12:17 PM EST

    Welcome to a big, mean, and scary edition of Tables, Ladders, and Keyboards. Since you've last heard from me, we've seen a lot go on. We had a great Wrestlemania come and go, and a very interesting and different Raw than we normally see, containing the WWF Draft.

    Also, on Raw, we said goodbye to Stephanie for a few weeks, until she writes herself to return as a mystery opponent for Hulk Hogan in the main event of Backlash.

    Still, we'll enjoy her being away, since she is one of the few figures in wrestling who people hate. Even though she probably thinks that she's just hated because she's a heel and it's her job to be hated, we really hate her, as in, we don't want to ever see her again. With real heels, such as Chris Jericho and Kurt Angle, we dislike them in a wrestling-type way, since we are supposed to because they are heels. They do their job, they do it right. They don't just annoy the hell out of everyone and screw up daddy's company.

    It would be like if the owner of the Boston Celtics put his untalented son on the team and let him start at center, despite being under six feet tall. "Daddy, I'm good, aren't I?" "Yes, son, you sure are."

    So, I figured that I'd reach out to my audience and have a special interview, right here in TLK! With the help of my friend Jason Masters, we have an exclusive Stephanie McMahon interview! Remember, folks, it's as real as her chest! Let's get our freak on, here's the transcript from out sit down with Stephanie McMahon. (Also, at Stephanie's request, we had her daddy sitting next to her, helping her with whatever she needed.)

    Shane Defy: Welcome, Stephanie, how have you been doing since leaving television?
    Stephanie McMahon: Yeahhhhhhh! Hit him Jericho, HIT HIM!
    Shane: Wonderful. Let me rephrase that. Since leaving television, how have you been doing?
    Stephanie: Come on Ref, yeah!
    Shane: Wow, super. To clear this up for the internet fans who always bash you whenever WWF television sucks, what is your actual role, backstage? Head writer?
    Stephanie: I am the QUEEN of the WWF! Slam him! Stomp his head!
    Shane: Interesting. How do you feel about the future of the WWF, Queen Stephanie?
    Stephanie: My daddy says that I am the future of the WWWF!
    Shane: Oh, well, that's your opinion. Many believe that wrestlers such as Lance Storm are the future of the WWF. Where do you stand on that issue?
    Stephanie: Who?
    Shane: What about Raven?
    Stephanie: I don't watch WCW.
    Shane: What about Maven?
    Stephanie: Is he Triple H? Yes, I like Triple H, so does myyyy daddy.
    Shane: Fantastic. Now, moving on. Do your breasts really have to be that big? Who made you do that, your horny father? Triple H? Taka?
    Stephanie: YEAHHH! PUNCH HIM!
    Shane: Do you find it odd that your family, who are not even wrestlers, have won the Eurpean Championship, Hardcore Championship, Women's Championship, and the WWF Championship?
    Stephanie: You see, myyyyy daddy went on trial once for something. It was so bad, like the holocaust.
    Shane: Yes, I'm sure it was just horrible.
    Stephanie: YEAH!!! HIT HIM WITH A SUPER REVERSE SPINARONI, JERICHO!
    Shane: Did you finish high school?
    Stephanie: Did I, daddy?
    Stephanie:
    Vince: *shakes head*
    Stephanie: YEAH!!!
    Stephanie: I mean, NOOOO!
    Shane: Wow.
    Stephanie: I'm on TV.
    Shane: Not anymore. You lost the match last week on RAW.
    Stephanie: I can come back when I want. I'm the rider! GO, JERICHO!
    Shane: You are the rider?
    Stephanie: Yeah. I say what goes on the TV shows! I am the wind beneath the ring!
    Shane: Don't you mean that you are the 'writer?'
    Shane: Well, you'd have to come up with a storyline that made sense. Wait, no you wouldn't.
    Stephanie: Noooo! My daddy says I'm the rider. He says I'm a really good rider too!
    Shane: Oh, I bet you are a good rider. You have that look to you.
    Stephanie: I'm a good rider, yeahhhhhhh!
    Shane: Now, back to the implants...
    Stephanie: Myyy daddy got me implants. He said they would make me a better rider!
    Shane: I'm sure they would, hand grips.
    Stephanie: No, my daddy only touches them to make sure they're still in tact. He doesn't want me to get sick! Myyy daddy looooooves mee.
    Shane: God, I hate your voice.
    Stephanie: HIIIIT HIM! YEAHHHH!
    Shane: Okay, well, Stephanie, thank you for your time. Any last comments?
    Stephanie: I own ECW. YEAH!

    Well, there you have it. Stephanie is the brains behind the WWF. She said it herself, she's the Queen.

    My friend Jason, again, helped me out with some interesting figures. I'm not much of a math guy, so I made him add up all of the pay per view main events over the past two years which Stephanie McMahon played a part in. Then, since I'm a demanding power-freak, I also made him count up how many pay per views she had a major impact in, not just main events.

    I found out that she had a role in 16 of 31 pay per view main events. (We counted the non-US events also.) That's about half of the main events in the past two years, which is more than any wrestler can claim. Then, we discovered that she played a role in 23 of those 31 pay per views, stemming back to Armageddon '99 when she joined Triple H. Pretty interesting, huh?

    Remember, too, that during part of that run, she had the Women's title, was the on-air booker, manager of the World Champion, and even took credit for the creation of man.

    As Steve Austin once sang, "Nah Nah Nah Nah, Nah Nah Nah Nah, Oh Hell Yeah, Goodbye."

    Too bad she'll be back in a few weeks. She just doesn't get it!

    -Shane Defy




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