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Posted in: Wrestling Rainbow
Wrestling Rainbow ~ These TLC Bouts Make Me Sick to My Stomach
By SkitZ
Oct 21, 2017 - 1:44:13 PM

These TLC Bouts
Make Me Sick to My Stomach

Welcome back to the column that can't be bothered with predictions unless the unpredictable happens - Wrestling Rainbow.

Despite The Shield's reunion curing some current woes, droves of wrestling fans have been treating tomorrow night’s TLC event like they’re allergic to it. But fast forward a cough and a sneeze later and now everyone wants to catch the show. Who knew a sudden meningitis scare would be just what the doctor ordered? Let us have a looksy…

The evening’s action kicks off prematurely with Foxy Brown facing Sasha Tanks (thru management’s fault far more than her own). The fact that we were already given a taste of this feud five months ago pretty much spoils any fresh appeal it may have once had. And given how things are currently going for the girls on RAW not named Alexa Bliss, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if this match takes place in the background while Renee Young kills time asking Lawler and Otunga generic questions. Either Vince is still stuck in his jello mold mindset when it comes to women’s wrestling or he can’t handle Banks also being called "The Boss" because she’s been treated like a low level employee since early this year. Sasha’s stock continues to plummet (much like Alicia’s whose booking is as shortsighted as her taste in tiny men).

SkitZ Predicts: Nobody really wins on the pre-show.

Fox and I have something in common however as we both used to crush on the Cruiserweight Division. That was before The King tragically took his own life and Enzo turned 205 Live into a talk show. Granted there were plenty of promos on the program prior to that… it’s just no one cared enough to listen. Cue Cedric Alexander & Rich Swann vs. The Brian Kendrick & Gentleman Jack Gallagher. While I personally enjoy watching these four wrestle, you can’t help but assume they only landed a spot on the show because A) Enzo/Kalisto feels more like a RAW feud than a 205 Live one and B) Creative crammed so many notable names into the main event that it left holes in the undercard. This would work well as the hot opener though; meaning it’ll end up in a death timeslot.

SkitZ Predicts: The Cruiserweights will job to whoever goes on before them.

Feel free to call me a hater but Enzo ain’t my cuppa tea. And yet somehow he’s more tolerable than Kalisto as Cruiserweight Champion. I sure as hell wouldn’t say Amore gives the belt prestige but even at 5’11” (which seems like a stretch), he has way more stage presence than anybody else within the division. Is it so much to ask for a little in-ring improvement though? If the guy wrestled as well as he talked, Amore would actually be worth all the fuss. That’s why I wish the upcoming Enzo vs. Kalisto rematch involved a ladder as it would’ve created room for a mixture of innovative and comedy based spots bound to garner a reaction. Eh it’s only going to last half as long as Enzo’s promo anyway so at least the torment will be brief. I wouldn’t mind Neville showing up to destroy them both and challenging Lesnar since assigned brands don’t matter but sadly, it appears all we’re getting is a title swap.

SkitZ Predicts: Kalisto gets robbed because he‘s a poor man‘s Mysterio.

Ah, Emma vs. Asuka. This didn’t end well for the Aussie their first go-around in London and history seems poised to repeat itself. I’d be shocked if the match goes longer than five minutes and here’s hoping Asuka enjoys the experience while it lasts. Mainly because she needn’t look any further than the pre-show to see how far a sparkling NXT resume carries you on RAW. No woman in WWE history has dominated her competition quite like Asuka; a 523-day title reign built around a Goldberg-surpassing unbeaten streak. She’s in a class of her own. Let’s just pray that’s penetrated Vince’s dense skull before his Alzheimer’s kicks in a couple months from now.

SkitZ Predicts: Asuka won’t lose her first main roster match to enhancement talent.

While I find the stalling of WWE’s Four Horsewomen just as befuddling as the next fan, Mickie James vs. Alexa Bliss offers a nice change of pace. The never-ending carousel of clusterf*ck women’s matches were making me nauseous. It also feels like this storyline is the first time Mickie’s been featured on television since the Superstar Shakedown of SDL. A shame considering James has shown that she still has plenty left in the tank. This scenario reminds me a lot of her return match against Asuka at TakeOver: Toronto. James/Bliss won’t blow people’s minds like those old nudes of Mickie floating about cyberspace but I’m willing to bet Twitterverse gives it a resounding tweet of approval. Fingers crossed that the stars align and we’re treated to Asuka/Alexa at Mania.

SkitZ Predicts: Mickie James submits to old age.

In the spirit of Halloween, I have a morbid curiosity regarding the further burial of Bray Wyatt. For some strange reason, I pictured his interpretation of Sister Abigail mirroring that of this Goth chick from Instagram:

We may never know however according to reports that Bray, his JoJo stick and brother Bo have all been plagued by a nasty viral infection. The logical move would’ve been to simply replace Reigns (who’s also ill) with Finn in the main event but you know Vince… He never does things by the numbers unless it involves his elaborate 10-year blueprint of Roman’s push. So McMahon nixed the sensible approach and gave the WWE Universe Balor versus Styles instead which thrilled TLC ticket buyers but peeved those who serve as a stark reminder of why we can’t have nice things. Admittedly though, there’s still a small part of me questioning AJ working the match against Finn after reading about him missing a live event due to the stomach bug. Don’t get me wrong as I’m psyched to witness this battle between former Bullet Club leaders. I just can’t stop envisioning Balor hitting the double foot stomp and Styles projectile vomiting Chilean sea bass everywhere.

SkitZ Predicts: AJ‘s gag reflex wins via unanimous regurgitation.

Let me start off by saying Kane has my vote for Mayor of Knox County. I mean the guy managed to navigate his way through backstage politics for 20+ years without incident… You couldn’t ask for a better candidate. I just wish he’d come out tomorrow night sporting a Glenn Jacobs 2018 pin. Well that and a return feud which played more to Kane’s strengths. I would’ve rather seen him target Strowman and put over Braun in a battle of big men than the two randomly joining forces against The Shield. I’m also pretty sure WWE’s confused this Sunday’s PPV with Survivor Series but regardless, it promises to deliver an odd outcome in light of recent events.

Due to this disturbing outbreak that has a handful of wrestlers down with the sickness, TLC’s main event has suddenly taken a turn for the worst. It’s gone from The Alliance to End Romanmania to Captain Kurt and his security squad taking on Team Bar Mitzvah (not sure what the V stands for… a roman numeral 5 I guess). Speaking of which, Angle being subbed into Reigns’ spot provides a nice shot of nostalgia and all but let’s be real. It cheapens The Shield reunion and at the risk of having my IWC [I Whine Constantly] club card revoked, this isn’t Ruthless Aggression or Wrestling Machine era Kurt we’re talking about here. For those of you who didn’t watch any of his later stuff in TNA (I didn‘t either), it sounds like 2014-16 Angle was rough on the eyeballs. Sure, he’ll be looking to make up for lost time and of course I’m hoping Kurt’s Comeback Tour is a success but don’t be surprised is he’s heavily protected during the 3-on-5 fiasco.

Plus even though it feels like I’m siding with Satan himself, Tito may be onto something as far as Angle screwing The Shield and becoming another abusive authority figure. No matter where Kurt’s loyalties lie, Seth & Dean are gonna sink on Sunday with no Roman to steer the ship. Vince must be sea sick not having Reigns as his focal point.

SkitZ Predicts: Without the Big Dog backing their asses up, The Hounds of Justice get taken to Pound Town.

And that about covers it. I'll be watching TLC from the uncontaminated confines of my mancave. Should anyone reading this contract an illness, I wish you the best in your future mendeavors.


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