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Posted in: Wrestling Rainbow
Wrestling Rainbow ~ SkitZ Answers Fam Mail
By SkitZ
Nov 18, 2017 - 12:12:27 PM

SkitZ Answers Fam Mail

Welcome back to the column that's rounded up its readers for a rummage through the ol' failbag - Wrestling Rainbow.

Well after witnessing a couple colleagues offer readers the opportunity to send in questions for columns, I figured why not ask the same of my Main Page audience? So without further ado, let's see what the Skitzophrenics had to say (checks email)...

Dammit. There isn't a lick of feedback in my mailbox; unless you count spam. Fortunately though, SkitZ had a suspicion he'd be starved for questions and thus begged some family members to spare a few sentences. A sad state of affairs but I've gotta do something to keep this gig. (taps on text messages)


Hey bro. I remember you telling me a couple years ago about this startup wrestling company called Lucha something and seeming really excited about the show. But even though I hinted at wanting to watch too, you never introduced me to it. What gives?

- Abel (brother-in-law)

SkitZ: Well you're a narcissistic nitwit who'd rather spend every hour at the gym posting workout selfies instead of hanging out with his kid so there's that. But even in regards to watching LU on my own, it would help if the show was broadcasted on a more mainstream network. I was able to catch the program each week during Season Uno because our cable package included El Rey but the three places I've lived since then haven't carried said channel. Tracking down episodes online is a hassle and how much digging do I really want to do given the slim chances of Lucha Underground surviving in its current climate? LU was a super hot brand initially but I believe the lengthy offseason stretches have hurt its overall growth. And even if the company were to start making mucho bucks, Rodriquez would probably turn around and sell it to Vince once he grows tired of funding this particular project.


Is Rey Mysterio's fine self still around? He's the only reason I ever had any interest in wrestling when we were kids.

Oh and can you babysit Cameron Friday night?

- Brittany (sister)

SkitZ: Ah sweet sister; you do love your Hispanic men. Hell you married one (conceeded prick). Mysterio's not only still wrestling but probably added 5 years to his life and in-ring legacy by leaving WWE. Although I wouldn't be surprised if Rey returned to the company for one last retirement tour. No matter what terms they left on, Vinnie Mac knows there's still money and merch to squeeze out of Mysterio. Ever since his contract expired in early 2015 however, Rey's turned back the hands of time and looked like shades of his former self whilst wrestling in places that hit much closer to home. Hence why a part of me doesn't necessarily wanna see Mysterio resurface in WWE before he headlines a Hall of Fame. Come hell or high fodder, Vince would find some way to ruin his comeback (I'm imagining Rey in a managerial role while his son Dominick competes on 205 Live).

And no I can't watch Cam, sorry. I'm uh... sick with the shits and can't leave my crapper.


Yo slick... Didn't you bump into Bob Backlund at Subway once?

- Dad

SkitZ: I mean I kept a safe distance but yes. I've also never understood why you call me Slick as I'm neither black nor fashionable but we'll get to the bottom of that later. Upon entering Subway one afternoon back in May, I found myself side-by-side with the famed grappler but played it cool; not wanting to make him hangry and end up in the crossface chickenwing. But there Backlund stood mere inches away ordering a veggie-heavy sub which put my wannabe pulled pork sandwich to shame. I made small talk with Bob who seemed to tower over me before snapping a quick pic without his consent and going about my business. That's been about the only benefit of living in Connecticut as there sure as shit aren't any tax breaks in this expensive ass state.


Are you ever going to keep your word and take me to a WrestleMania? We were supposed to go to Santa Clara originally but you bailed on that AND the Dallas trip last year. Should I not get my hopes up for New Orleans in April? It would be a good opportunity to see your grandmother while she's still around.

- Mom

SkitZ: Pffft Grandma Jackie's been dead to me for years now. And why would I wanna travel anywhere with someone who throws me under the bus? Where's the incentive? Plus what if we did attend a WrestleMania together and bumped into a bunch of my LOP buddies? It'd be like going on spring break with a chaperone and I have an e-reputation to uphold, mother! WM31 was clear across the country and Cowboys Stadium also falls outside my comfort zone (you know I'm a Chiefs fan). Gauging by the fact that the upcoming Road to WrestleMania will likely lead to Reigns/Lesnar, Cena/Mahal and Angle/HHH, I feel even less inclined to make the trip this year. Let me know if you land some tickets to a Saints game though. I'd totally be on board for that.


Joshie! Got a few bucks on ya? I wanna hit up the Gandhi Mart and grab a few Cash 5's. I was ONE NUMBER OFF yesterday. Can you believe that!?

- Uncle Robbie

SkitZ: What luck (or lack thereof rather). No worries though as I'll happily contribute to your depleted funds and costly gambling addiction. Klonopins and playing the lottery seem to be the only things that bring joy to your miserable existence so why not be an enabler? Wrestling is actually alot like your favorite hobby as it requires a fair bit of risk on the fan's behalf. You can't tell whether you're destined for an epic episode like RAW Roulette or one roll of the dice away from a transgendered MITB winner. Vince loves to cut the balls off the boys in the locker room which he's apparently passed onto his daughter. Regardless of how much they're paying you Kurt, protect your manhood at all costs.


Hey Josh. Grandpa here. Just wondering when you're gonna stop chasing the girlies long enough to come visit me. Haven't seen you in awhile. We should catch up and order some chinky food from that place around the corner.

- Grandpops

SkitZ: Your closemindedness knows no boundaries, Grandpa. Thank God you didn't mention "chinky food" around the ex-wife (not sure how good your memory is nowadays but she was Asian). I'll make a point to stop by soon though. Sorry for not being more supportive during your brush with death in the hospital a couple months ago but unlike Charlotte Flair, I'm no Wonder Woo-man. I let work and real life prevent me from being by your bedside. Please accept my apology for being such a poor excuse of a grandson sometimes. Despite a pair of hip surgeries, a quadrouple bypass and a near fatal tick bite, your heart's still tickin' and pursuing the geriatric gals. Go easy, old man. And from now on, could you try not referring to my activity on Tinder as "chasing the girlies"? It makes me sound like a sexual predator and we've got enough of those running around already.


How many times do I have to tell you to stop mentioning me in your stupid columns? Get a life and move on, loser.

- Cindy (ex-wife)

SkitZ: Even after all these years, you continue to pop up in my pants and published works. It's a lousy love story but one I've managed to stretch some serious mileage out of since joining Lords of Pain in 2007 and it's all thanks to our mess of a marriage. From I Guess Wrestling is My Mistress Too to Certified GMails [Note to Former Self] which remains a personal favorite of mine, you've provided the inspiration for arguably my best articles. And to think... had our relationship not been a Titanic catastrophe worthy of writing about following the wreckage, I would've missed the boat like your Grandparents when they defected here from Vietnam.


Why do you watch wrestling? I honestly don't get the appeal.

- Paige (cousin)

SkitZ: That's because you possess an attention span shorter than the other Paige. I chalk it up to immaturity (they clearly didn't beat enough discipline into her down in NXT). It surprises me though that a wild child such as yourself has so much trouble suspending her disbelief. Tomorrow's Survivor Series spectacular is a perfect example of why I watch wrestling. Just a few short weeks ago, the announced card was as headscratching as the guys Paige has slept with (no not you, cousin). From an alarming amount of heel matches to the laughability factor of Brock versus Jinder, the show seemed like more of a comedy than a wrestling event. But alas, here we sit a few timely title changes later and now it's being hailed as a Mini-Mania. WWE's proven it can be unpredictable when Vince isn't so quick set in his old ways. With Mahal no longer a concrete block weighing down the blue brand, it's finally able to come up for fresh air. Poor Rusev's still stranded out at sea but he's a different rescue mission altogether.


Any new nudes of your wrestling women leak out? Paige is on her period and being a total diva.

- Shane (cousin's boyfriend)

SkitZ: There's loads to choose from, dude. A pic of Bray Wyatt's JoJo stick is bouncing around the internet, Christmas came early with that latest santa Maria nude and wrestler Paige is now backstage again where she performs best so stay tuned for those shenanigans. I'll be sure to pass along any other revealing photos that I come across. Hang in there, homie.


Are you coming over for Thanksgiving? And if so, can you pick up some Captain and Coke from the package store?

- Aunt Eileen

SkitZ: Congrats on being a functioning alocoholic for as long as I remember. A businesswoman who loves her booze. FYI - Both you and Stephanie McMahon have a drinking problem. Yours revolves around rum and she chugs her own Kool-Aid. The two of you share an acquired taste that can be downright bitter at times but I habitually swallow it anyway against my better judgement. Not sure whether I need a mind eraser or a shot of adrenaline but here's hoping the festivities planned for Sunday night do the trick. WWE's pieced together an impressive lineup at least. You can count me in for Thanksgiving dinner as well, Aunt Eileen (provided your sister-in-law brings more of those pecan rolls). Stay classy, fam.


(scans over column) Errr perhaps I won't plug this one on Facebook...

SkittleZ Riddles

The answer to my riddle a few weeks ago was in fact Erick Rowan and here's how the clues break down. 'Gingerbread man' is part anagram as a couple letters can be rearranged to say 'Gingerbeard man' which automatically limits the answer to Rowan, Sheamus or Heath Slater. But the "Will he actually win a title or fall short again" line eliminates the latter two since they've both won gold on the main roster before. The other two clues relate to Rowan's initial debut with The Wyatts and always being tied to a stable or tag team. Anywho, that riddle seemed to stump a bunch of people as it resulted in a 18% Correct Guess Ratio so let's see if I can dumb you down some more.


Shoot you a hand gesture with a flick of the wrist,

What does a pot and pan have to do with this?,

If my tenure lasted longer, I'd likely be more missed,

Won a title but not the title / Left doubly pissed.


Confident you know the answer? Or did I leave ya feeling clueless? Send me your guess via email (skitztmrlop@gmail.com) or post it in the comments section below. I’ll reveal the mystery wrestler in my next column which could drop in three days or three weeks. Until then, let the suspense build!

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