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Posted in: Wrestling Rainbow
Wrestling Rainbow ~ My Kayfabe Childhood & Wrestling Reality as an Adult
By SkitZ
Nov 12, 2017 - 2:00:04 PM

My Kayfabe Childhood &
Wrestling Reality as an Adult

Welcome back to the column that recommends you wash it down with Advil and alcohol - Wrestling Rainbow.

Not only is life alot easier as a kid but wrestling was much simpler back then too. I merely watched, rejoiced and repeated the process the following week. I'd pass the time either playing the latest WWF video game, attempting ill-conceived 'rasslin moves on my neighbor or renting semi-recent pay per views from the video store (remember those?). I toyed around with action figures because - while dirty thoughts of the opposite sex clouded my head - they were sadly only wet dreams. SkitZ wasn't scoring any time soon and he sucked at sports so my prepubescent self turned to wrestling. My best friend looked like a miniature version of Mark Henry and had the world's strongest body odor but I was hot on his scent regardless in hopes of smelling what Norman was cookin'. Turns out he was just reciting The Rock's catchphrases so I unplugged my nose, sat down at a safe distance and exhaled while my putrid pal schooled me on pro wrestling.

Once my education was complete, the two of us spent countless hours talking WWF, reenacting what we witnessed on RAW and sprouting stiffies over Sable. Seeing Fully Loaded '98 solidified me as a fan for life and not just because of the bikini contest. It's the night I fell in love with the product; from Al Snow's head banging to Steve Austin's finger flipping and everything inbetween. My mom figured I was too young to fully grasp what was going on but I could put two and two together... it equaled a tag match duh. Noxious Norman was just a part-time ally however as we only hung out during holidays and summer vacations due to my parents splitting so SkitZ often went solo in his wrestling quest. Apart from climbing trees, I branched out even further and started eyeing WCW. Bischoff might've had too many eggs in one basket after everyone flew the coop to Ted Turner country but he still utilized their high fliers better than Vince ever has his own. I began to routinely watch Nitro's Cruiserweight hour instead of the Brawl for All tournament and Tiger Ali Singh paying fans to eat the fungus off his manservant's feet.

Despite not comprehending everything being thrown at me, I learned on the fly and the Cruiserweight Division served as a valuable lesson in workrate and ring psychology. I'd watch Nitro until RAW came on and quickly switch over; flipping back to TNT occasionally during commercials. And that routine continued for years until I no longer found WCW remotely interesting. I abandoned that sinking ship of a show and climbed aboard the WWF for the long haul. Amidst snagging every monthly magazine they produced and filling notebook upon notebook with fantasy cards, I grew an attachment to it that would make most girlfriends jealous. Hell, a few of mine took offense to my fandom. I was swallowed up inside that WWE bubble though and had no intention of bursting out. No matter how many of my buddies belittled me for sticking by a scripted sport, I remained glued to my TV screen every Monday and Thursday evening. And while hobbies and love interests came and went, my relationship with wrestling never waivered.

That was until early 2004 when my mindset finally began to mature past pretend fighting. I'd become the Enzo Amore of my high school; a class clown who tried to rap and dressed ridiculous to the point where no one took me seriously. In the aftermath of WrestleMania XX, I adopted the attitude WWE's programming now lacked and ventured out to experience life beyond a ringside seat. Before long, I was sliding a ring on a willing woman's finger and cueing up the wedding bells. Alright we got married in a court room but nevertheless, adulthood had arrived. I assumed part of growing up was leaving my kayfabe childhood behind but then it snuck up and bit me on the ass two years later. I caught the wrestling bug all over again but my wife was totally immune. It still made her sick though to see me exhausting every effort in digging up what I'd missed; buying DVDs in bulk and scouring the internet for details surrounding each storyline. The wife didn't take kindly to sharing me with an old flame so wrestling became my mistress. Needing an outlet, I plugged in my laptop and searched until landing googly-eyed upon DaveyBoy's Wrestling Menu.

LOP didn't save my marriage but it brought my two biggest passions together in unholy matrimony - wrestling and writing. With a keyboard at my disposal, I didn't waste any time creating a gay gimmick and stirring up controversy. I've never caused the kind of disgruntled groundswell that Tito pulls off so naturally but SkitZ was certainly responsible for a few shit storms in his heyday. To Tito's credit though, he's been the better heel at every turn. I'm also not the type who posts a response column as soon as a show goes off the air (hence why RAW Bar never stays open for more than a week at a time). The same goes for when a juicy newstory hits the dirtsheets. Rather than jumping at the opportunity to write something ASAP, I prefer to sit back, enjoy a caffeinated beverage, let the topic marinate, stew on it a little longer while I'm on the pot, labor over it at work for a few days and then crap out a column. Shitty timing aside, wrestling websites like this one turned me into the type of deucebag that Orton was notorious for being a decade ago. Part of me holds a grudge against WWE for creating but ultimately killing legends of the business whom I greatly admired. Then there's the IWC which is largely made up of a bitter fanbase who still can't move past an outdated era. But above all else, fuck that company for turning me into the jaded mark I am today.

Big business has spoonfed me so much of this shit that I've become a glutton at risk of oversaturation. I'm a single guy with no kids and still struggle to digest everything WWE serves up on a weekly basis. I imagine it must be next to impossible for a family man (if you're a dad/husband who manages, I commend thee). Because of the company's bad habits, I often find myself wishing I'd graduated to something more rewarding after college. Life allows me to tune out wrestling for periods of time but it's always bouncing around in the back of my head. An annoying occurance that seems to spawn more headaches than highs from the night before. My mind is constantly baffled by the fact that Vince can book a WrestleMania main event an ENTIRE YEAR IN ADVANCE and stick by it but literally everything else is subject to change on a whim. Longterm plans that never included Daniel Bryan who seems as misguided as the faith I place in my favorite wrestlers.

Whatever happened to the WWE Universe making the star? I realize WWE supplies the stage to succeed but it's the performance in the ring that should hinge on whether or not other doors swing open for somebody. Yet here you had Vince slamming it shut in Bryan's face while the audience is on the other side knocking it down. A vegan with an organic rise to the top practically writes itself but that wasn't the story Vinnie Mac wanted to tell. I mean this is the guy who, just weeks prior to D-Bry winning the WWE World Heavyweight Title at WM30, told the future champ "you know we really want to make Roman the next John Cena". Hearing that seriously made me want to call it quits as a wrestling fan [FANBOYCOTT ALERT] and so did McMahon forcing the retirement speech upon Danielson during a turbulant time in his life. It just felt like he wanted the Bryan obstacle removed as quick as possible to avoid it interfering with Roman's road to WrestleMania.

It's just as frustrating as fans saying "Bryan doesn't have great mic skills or a marketable character"; as if that's the cut and dry criteria to becoming a mega star in WWE. Whether you consider him a bland babyface, vanilla midget or whatever, Bryan has an intangible quality and that's his connection with the crowd. It's undeniable God dammit. Even in a non-wrestling capacity on SmackDown Live, Daniel still generates bigger pops than most of the active roster... and all he does is make appearances and assign matches! Now had Bryan stayed healthy, would he have remained in main events and the WWE Title scene? Or would his career have met the same fate as Benoit's? While I can picture Danielson smothering his wife and child (with affection), he probably would've dwelled in the upper midcard for the rest of eternity. But Jesus, I wouldn't have minded seeing how it all played out in the ensuing years. WWE snatched that option away from Bryan which is why I wish he'd leave the comfy confines of said company and resume his in-ring career elsewhere. As has been reported, D-Bry's on the comeback trail and I'll follow the guy wherever he wrestles next.

One thing I'm not so keen on following however is the activity on Twitter. I'll plug my columns on there sure (gotta spread that propaganda, right?) but watching faceless fanatics go bananas over every trivial topic just doesn't appeal to me. In my view, Twitter has taken a big steaming shit on society and it goes beyond just wrestling. Pussification sums it up perfectly because we're fucked if the world we live in is really this hypersensitive to every minor aspect of life. No matter how straightforward or stupid, everything is an argument; even when there isn't one to make.

"My son is the only African American in the church choir and has to wear a white gown. I demand social equality!"

"How dare you pay your respects to Tom Petty and not the victims of the Las Vegas shooting in the same tweet!"

"I was also sexually abused by Kevin Spacey! He brushed up against me in a crowded hallway!"

Ah but my favorite is when folks flip out every other day over a Donald Trump tweet as if his ineptitude isn't common knowledge by now. My main gripe with Twitter though is that it's squeezing the life out of LOP. Message boards may be a dying breed but your Twitter feed is starving this website at an accelerated pace. The decline in traffic on the Main Page is more evident than ever and the forums are a couple journeymen away from becoming a ghost town. The old soul in me is saddened to see Lords of Pain becoming obsolete due to the ease of access that comes with Twitter. I've called this place home for almost 11 years and would hate to see it phased right out of existence. Fellow fans citing a steady decline in ratings and viewership doesn't hold any merit in my eyes either. A quick glimpse of Twitterverse makes it pretty apparent that wrestling is alive and well based on all the twatters talking about WWE, ROH, NJPW, etc. who used to post those same comments at the bottom of this page. No I'm not about to start freelancing for feedback but LOP in general could use a shot in the arm. A little something to move the needle and get a flow going again.

You know why I've remained loyal as an adult wrestling fan? Because of the friendships I've forged down in the Columns Forum. It amazes me how the CF lies right under the noses of Main Page readers and yet goes undetected by most. That place is the pefect sounding board to air your grievances and engage in stimulating debate; not just comments dependent on thumbing each other's assholes. Every once in awhile, a TypeItInMaan or SirSam will slip through the cracks and make a name for themselves but we (LOP) need more proactive fans like them to take that leap. There's a community aspect to the Columns Forum that you'd be hard pressed to find on any other website. I've written my best stuff in the CF and won 6 Columnist of the Month awards because of it which may not have any bearing on the MP audience but they damn sure mean something to me. And you could make a name for yourself while mingling with wrestling fans who actually listen instead of just hearing what they want. (sigh) Converted yet? Or have you visited the forums before? Here's a visual aid in case your memory's a bit blurry:

(So is this picture apparently)

The Columns Forum is the NXT of LOP; meaning it has a knack for showing up the main roster. Perhaps I'll catch some heat for saying so but the Main Page is lacking the competitive fire stoked by the CF. Do yourself a favor, register to the LOP Forums and let your voice be heard louder.



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  • Wrestling Rainbow's Gone PG ~ Christmas Carols & Heartwarming Wishes [The Neutered List]

  • SKITZO & CO. STRIKE BACK ~ Corrupting Christmas with Our Keyboards [The Naughty List]

  • Schoolhouse Mock ~ A Lesson in Ice Cream Psychology

  • SOUND OF THE UNDERGROWTH ~ The Day The Busick Died