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Posted in: Wrestling Rainbow
Wrestling Rainbow ~ 30ish Tips to Winning the Royal Rumble
By SkitZ
Jan 3, 2018 - 2:02:46 AM




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30ish Tips to Winning the Royal Rumble











Welcome back to the column that's too visually impaired to see the bigger picture; the article formerly known as Wrestling Rainbow.





Between the chilly weather and my iced coffee addiction, I'm going stir crazy in this goddamn apartment. So perhaps I've flipped my lid but it seems like Roman's cuppa haters have cooled off lately... At least until he's announced for the Rumble match and becomes everyone's least liked odds-on favorite to win again. You can bet Philly will shower Reigns with something but it ain't gonna be brotherly love. Whether or not Vince has learned from past experiences in said city remains to be seen but I have my own vision for this year's Royal Rumble event. That's why I've carefully constructed this detailed guide on how to outlast 29 other hopefuls and hitch a ride to WrestleMania. And yeah I could've simply suggested assembling an army to eliminate Reigns but let's be realistic. No amount of manpower can overthrow SuperRoman when push comes to shove.



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1. Draw Bloodshed ~ Vince won't flip his wig over a little red Flair dye but if it resembles a crime scene, those PG sensors will go off and he'll abort mission (i.e. evacuate the bloodied wrestler from ringside). That's one less chump to contend with, pal. Might I suggest procuring some color from the commentary table; that's assuming Saxton can be discreet about it. If you're the squeamish type, just take a page out of Itami's playbook and start fracturing faces.


2. Bring Your Buddies ~ As we've witnessed with various factions over the years (Legacy, Nexus, etc.), the numbers game makes it much easier to navigate through this muddled marathon. When they roll the red carpet out for Miz in the Wells Fargo Center, rest assured Dallas & Axel won't be far behind. You've gotta be willing to exhaust every option and The Miz would throw his pregnant wife to the dogs (Hounds of Justice reference?) if it meant main eventing WresteMania again.


3. Betray Their Trust if You Must ~ Despite it being dubbed The Ultimate Thrill Ride, there's no plus-one perk when you punch that ticket to The Show of Shows. Three's not a crowd most nights but it gets kinda cramped at the top of the card during WWE's busy season. Kofi and Woods have rode Big E's coattails long enough. Let them serve their purpose throughout most of the Rumble and then SPLAT. Langston (who?) pancakes his partners and tosses them out. There's nothing booty about Big E challenging Brock Lesnar for the Universal Championship. PHOOEY TO YOUR BRAND LOYALTY!


4. Pull a Fast One on the Refs ~ With so many bodies flying around, it often degenerates into madness. Distractions happen and even the camera man misses an elimination every once in awhile. Does it really count though if the referee didn't catch you hit the floor? Hardly. Crawl back in there if the refs are out of position and pick up where you left off. Austin got away with it in '97 and so can you! There's bound to be that one dude who throws a temper tantrum over your rule breaking. Just let him vent and play it cool.


5. Use the Ropes for Leverage ~ If you're searching for signs that Benoit wasn't so sane in the membrane, rewind the tape Network back to the conclusion of the '04 Rumble. The Crippler strangles Big Show with the top rope for like a full minute and nobody does a flippin' thing about it! Can I get an illegal choke or what, ref??? Holy unnecessary force. I realize Benoit was trying to rotate the big bastard over the ropes but Beth Phoenix swayed Khali with just a kiss. Speaking of which...


6. Watch for Women Entrants ~ A legit concern here in 2018. Now I know what you're thinking... "But SkitZ, the ladies have their own Royal Rumble this year". Yes thanks for stating the obvious but, with the Women's Division being so stacked at the moment, what's to stop Stephanie from planting one or two of them in the men's match? You know how determined she is to eradicate the male roster. Plus Ronda Rousey roundhousing a group of guys would arouse every media outlet. Plugs galore!


7. Improve Your Odds ~ This one really speaks to the skitzophrenic in me. Entering the fray under multiple aliases in Foley-esque fashion can double or even triple your chances of success! Strikes me as the perfect opportunity for a two-faced performer like Finn to enter early as regular ol' Balor and later as The Demon. Or Bray to unveil his Mister Abigail and leave us asking Wyatt all went so wrong.


8. Employ a Decoy ~ Resort to a lookalike so you can sneak up on unsuspecting victims. I could see the Women's Rumble being prone to a bit of Twin Magic from The Bell-ughs. Same goes for The Usos if they make the cut. And that's a big IF considering they're more apt to open for Jimmy's girl Naomi at these larger events.


9. Feign an Injury ~ It's a long match. Take a shortcut like Roman did in 2016 and leave everyone else to carry the load. Hobble around ringside until WWE's medical personnel assists you to the locker room. Once you're behind the curtain, shake off the "stinger", grab a snack, return to gorilla, enjoy a swig off Hunter's water, avoid eye contact with Vince and then head back out for the closing moments of the Rumble feeling refreshed.


10. Seek Shelter Under the Ring ~ Otherwise known as the Hornswoggle tactic. Pretend like you're reaching for a chair or trash can and then sneakily slip out of sight. If someone comes searching, let 'em. There's so much shit under the ring that they'll never find you. With a new entrant arriving every 90 seconds, time will fly by and it'll be down to the final four before you know WTF happened. Just pray that Strowman's not supposed to slam some bum thru the mat.


11. Pace Yourself ~ Pick your spots and space them out accordingly. I'm talking about the RVD/Evan Bourne stereotypes who are half way to the ring already when their music hits. The high fliers that sprint down to get their shit in are the same fools who get dumped out in short order.


12. Catch the Crowd by Surprise ~ Taking a vacation until late January has a nice ring to it, right? Cena circa 2008 and Edge ala 2010 agree. Call a sabbatical what you will but it sounds like a bunch of lying around to me. If you can convince the boss to let you return to work at the Rumble however, there's a strong chance it could propel you to victory!


13. Props are Your Biggest Proponent ~ Quick quiz: What's the sum of adding Roman to the Rumble?

You losing
. Weapons are a great equalizer though so don't limit yourself. Leave your mark by making it loud and clear. Just make sure that guitar doesn't end up in the wrong hands, Elias. Or else...







14. < If That's Your Number, Trade for Another ~ It's well documented around these parts that the #14 is laced with bad luck (LOP's Sheepster has been credited for making this disturbing discovery). Do some research and you'll stumble upon a slew of startling statistics. Over the span of three decades, the number's connected to a handful of deceased wrestlers and only one former winner; that being Mysterio in 2013 in what would be his final Rumble appearance. Is this a curse or just a sign that Vince hates cruiserweights?


15. Comedy Will Get You Over (As in Thrown Out) ~ We all love a good laugh. Unfortunately, it isn't really conducive to success in relation to the Royal Rumble. Granted Santino had a relatively long shelf life for a comedic character but that didn't stop Kane from eliminating him laughably fast in 2009. Likewise, The Hurricane's hilarious attempt to chokeslam Trips and Austin in sync sent him up up and awayyyy from winning.


16. Survive Thru Sheer Athleticism ~ Kofi Kingston is living proof of this tip's importance. From handstands to using chairs as pogo sticks to leaping from fan barricades to being saved by the Rosebuds, Kingston's notorious for creatively escaping danger. I'm half expecting New Day to shoot him out of a cannon this year (or use Sin Cara's trampoline to spring Kofi back into the Rumble).


17. Beat Up Your Boss Beforehand ~ While it undoubtedly seems counterproductive, history begs otherwise. Stone Cold stunned Mr. McMahon in late '97, assaulted him on other occasions and still reigned supreme in the '98 Rumble. Fast forward to '09 and you'll find Orton punting the old man's head into our living rooms (all hail high definition) a mere six days before winning that year's glorified battle royal. Given what's unfolded on SmackDown in recent months, one can only wonder if 2018 will belong to Kevin Owens.


18. Hope it Ain't in Your Hometown ~ I assume at some point Vince saw this as an actual advantage for his babyfaces. Conversely, it's become an ode to disappointing your local fans. And while this bad omen stretches beyond just the January classic (see Bayley's performance at Payback '17), it's popped up repeatedly at this PPV just the same. Notable victims include HBK in 2007, Orton in 2012 and any ECW star who's ever worked a Rumble in Philly.


19. Resist the Temptation of the Turnbuckle ~ I mean Coachman had the right idea clinging to the ring post but as far as using it as a launching pad? Well that warrants a stupid idiot meme but I'll refrain so Tito doesn't blow a fuse on Twitter. Jeff & Matt Hardy however were a prime example of what not to do in 2001 when they tug jobbed each other from the top turnbuckle to the floor. How do things even escalate to that level when Drew Carey's the only dude occupying the ring with you dorks?


20. Don't Be a Douche ~ Woooooo Hardcore Holly had a blast chopping some respect into Daniel Puder in the '05 Rumble. He wasn't the only veteran intent on blistering the kid's chest either. Guerrero & Benoit gave the Tough Enough winner his receipt for the crap he pulled at Angle's expense months earlier. In a literal sense, fans have been just as brutal towards Jinder for shitting on SmackDown. Mahal and his anti-America spiel makes him strongly pro-douche though so I'm anticipating a hate crime should he participate in the upcoming melee.


21. Celebrity Support Does Wonders ~ Remember when Pamela Anderson rooted on Shawn in the 1995 Rumble? Well despite Lawler drooling over the Baywatch babe and the roster nearly gang raping her upon entering the arena, Anderson had her heart set on HBK who came thru in the clutch. So did Steve Austin three years later while Tyson cheerleaded from the Skybox. Correct me if I'm wrong but celebrities are undefeated at WrestleMania and as far as the Royal Rumble's concerned, they don't associate themselves with losers. That's your key to winning. Lock down a celeb who's an inner fanboy/girl.


22. Swarm the Monster ~ Size matters but if you're too large of a threat, it becomes a target like the hazard logo on Adam Bomb's singlet. Seriously, when was the last time a behemoth won the Rumble? You've gotta go allllll the way back to Yokozuna's fat ass squashing the competition in '93.


23. Be in the Right Place at the RIP Time ~ Would Mysterio's underdog story have resulted in a Rumble win had he not received an assist from beyond the grave? Judging by his short sighted World Title reigns and Vince's knack for tall tales, I vote no. Nevertheless, Rey triumphed in the wake of tragedy while Eddie watched on from overhead. Will KO's guardian angel swoop in and save the day as well? It might be morally reprehensible but I'd die if Sami repelled down from the rafters dressed as the Blue Blazer.


24. Counter Reality with Popularity ~ The footage speaks for itself, folks. In 2000, Rocky's feet CLEARLY touched the floor before Big Show's and yet he's declared victorious anyhow. It's essentially a botch that the company tried correcting by placing both men in the Mania main event. This royal screwjob is further proof however that WWE isn't reality television; it's a popularity contest amongst the script writers. That's right, dirt sheets... spin those conspiracy theories!


25. NO SOLICITING ~ CM Punk's straightedge campaigning, while highly informative, made him the center of attention. A spotlight that suited the Manson-esque messiah but one which brought dire consequences in the 2010 Royal Rumble. Punk was on a roll until Triple H raced in to halt his momentum (sound familiar?). My money's on Enzo to make the same mistake this year. Amore's runny mouth might even earn him a trip back to the hospital.

On a side note, I'm missing Neville and craving chicken noodle soup.


26. Cause Some Controversy ~ Take the last entrant down with you and be sure to hit the floor simultaneously. Or pull a Daniel Bryan, no-show and potentially change the course of what's to come. This will likely blow Vince's mind and both his quads.


27. Beware of Butthurt Losers ~ There's been countless instances of an eliminated wrestler storming the ring and ruining the WrestleMania aspirations of whoever tossed him out. Despite winning the 1990 & '91 Rumbles, Hogan couldn't stand being upstaged by Sid in '92 and nearly yanked his goddamn arm out of the socket. Flair lended a hand eventually which won him the WWF Title but to say Justice was served is a Jinder-sized joke.


28. Ignore Your Cue ~ Go rogue and remain in the ring by any means necessary. Show management how badly you want this and refuse to take "NO" for an answer!

It could backfire completely of course. Should trouble arise backstage, just say you had an Eva Marie moment out there, drew a blank and everything went red.


29. Apply for Vince's Pet Project Program ~ Hey it worked for Del Rio in 2011 and Roman's track record speaks volumes about the lengths Vince will go to map out a guy's every move.


30. Reinvent Yourself ~ There's plenty of wrestlers who've yet to reach the tip of the Goldberg in WWE. And while I'm confident we've seen dollar Bill's last cash grab for awhile, you know the company will be aiming to capitalize on Jericho's NJPW appearance. Don't be surprised if Y2J turns up on the 28th with Japanese lettering all over his trunks and a flock of fake photographers from the Far East; attempting acrobatics that no amount of DDP Yoga can make look good. This could also set the stage for Ziggler to start from scratch and rebuild himself into something besides the best jobber in the biz. How about honorary captain of the Jericho Cruise?


31. If All Else Fails, Abuse Your Authority ~ Oh c'mon you know Bryan, Shane and Kurt are itching to rig that number tumbler. Hell, maybe Hunter even includes a 31st entrant (himself duh). Or perhaps Angle plans on doing his son a family favor. Just imagine... Jason Jordan - your 2018 Royal Rumble winner. The Benjamin/Lashley hybrid Vinnie Mac's been waiting for!







Alright I'll leave you to ponder my pointers. Did I skip over any vital advice? If so, step forward and share your tip with the rest of us.






SkittleZ Riddles



Just in case you still cared, the answer to my last riddle was Corey Graves which stumped people stupid. That's the only sense I can make of the 0% Correct Guess Ratio it registered on the SkitZ scale. Are you ready to have another crack at my rhymes?

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Timing is everything / Count upwards to 36,


When push came to shove, I couldn't be fixed,


Never got the chance to sell a ton of tickets,


But did spend a few months in the main event mix.


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Is it obvious or oblivious to reason? Send me your guess regardless via email (skitztmrlop@gmail.com) or post it in the comments section below. I’ll reveal the mystery wrestler in my next column.





_SkitZ

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