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Posted in: Wrestling Rainbow
Wrestling Rainbow ~ The Ultimate Thrill Guide (Where Mania's Heading in 5 Years)
By SkitZ
Oct 18, 2017 - 8:08:30 AM

The Ultimate Thrill Guide
(Where Mania‘s Heading in 5 Years)

Welcome back to the column that’s chomping at the bit to spit out some food for thought - Wrestling Rainbow.

Reactions to recent WrestleManias have been overwhelmingly negative. Lately the stories surrounding it seem to fall more in the realm of Tales from the Darkside than anything even remotely uplifting. But fear not, folks! There’s some light at the end of this weary road… because I’m shining my brights down it. Judging from the rumors regarding WM34, we could be in for an even rougher stretch ahead so lets see if the future is any less punishing on us than the present.


~ What to Expect When We Reach ~

Content with his cash pile after having crippled a couple rising stars out of recklessness, Brock has retreated back to Canada and embraced retirement. In his absence, WWE’s decided to make Conor McGregor their next big thing after the MMA star was banned from UFC for life due to choking out Dana White during a contract dispute. McGregor’s slated to defend the Universal Title at WM38 against Roman Reigns who is still being pushed as the company’s top face to the detriment of literally everyone else. And any initial excitement regarding McGregor’s involvement quickly fades when fans realize he’s even lazier than Lesnar; often showing up to RAW in nothing but a robe, slippers and boxer briefs.

Mr. McMahon continues to dig a deeper hole around The Phenom's legacy. Rather than building towards the future, Vinnie Mac’s as reliant as ever on his bum-trick pony to boost Mania’s gate. Leaving fans to assume Michelle McCool isn’t getting the job done at home if Taker’s so adamant about returning to work every payday. Even with the hunched back he’s developed, Callaway towers over Finn and Vince books Undertaker vs. Balor because the mismatch amuses him. The Deadman can’t crawl out of bed Sunday morning though and Kane has to step in as a last second replacement. Gallows & Anderson run in during a ref bump and beat down The Demon. Kane that is as Balor turns heel five years too late because Vince isn‘t hip to current trends.

The Miz now works on the other side of the camera upon reaching route 40 and stepping away from active competition. He’s replaced Kevin Dunn as VP of Television Production after the stooge left WWE for a hotly contested position at PLAYBOY. Dunn has since been let go following a series of sexual harassment lawsuits from various Playmates. Turns out he’s a total pervert (who would‘ve guessed).

Not only has Mahal surpassed CM Punk’s record title reign but he’s now been WWE Champion for 1,776 days and counting. To further elevate Jinder who's remained a focal point for reasons that only make sense in Mr. McMahon‘s mind, an old American hero emerges to challenge him for the gold at Mania. Management adds Kurt Angle vs. Jinder Mahal to the marquee and nobody‘s happy about it. Kurt’s become a shell of his former self following another divorce and relapse so fans aren’t even confident that a title change is best for business. Plus it’s been brought to light in recent weeks that Jinder is also his illegitimate son. Kurt admitting he once took advantage of some Indo-Canadian chick at a college party.

In an attempt to consolidate the time allotted to both, Vince has combined the Cruiserweight and Women’s Divisions. Nia Jax - the reigning Cruiserwomen’s Champion - is given a weight watchers gimmick and instructed to wrestle in a sweat suit because Vince likes poking fun at fat people. The scheduled Nia versus Paige Lumberjax Match has to be heavily edited however following an incident at the Hall of Fame involving Paige, Sunny and the valet driver. TMZ breaks the story before WWE can cover it up.

Nakamura will be on hand too; providing commentary with Funaki from the Japanese announce table. Shinsuke’s career sadly meeting the same fate as Tazz’s after Vince decided fans wanted to hear him talk, not wrestle.

Amazingly, Dolph Ziggler will still be hanging around as well in 2022. And The Showoff will be in town during the event alright... Across the street at a local comedy club doing standup. Giving the same bitter WWE bit in front of the same 15 faces.

Following a less than stellar stint in UFC that resulted in one forfeit, multiple no-shows and a controversy regarding his doctor’s note, CM Punk accepts Vince’s lucrative offer to return. Punk assumes with the money WWE’s paying him that he’s finally going to headline WrestleMania. Being the petty prick he is however, McMahon informs Punk he has to start in NXT first. A temper tantrum ensues (which of course carries over onto Twitter) and subsequently leads to the Mania crowd chanting “CM Punk” through three-quarters of the 13 hour show.

The Rock and Enzo Amore engage in an over-hyped rap battle that effectively eats up an hour and 18 minutes. A record runtime which Byron Saxton makes sure to mention half a hundred times throughout the next segment. Meanwhile, Corey Graves has seceded Michael Cole as RAW’s lead announcer and he’s half the reason anyone still bothers watching. John Cena weighs in to judge the war of words via satellite from the set of some shitty remake of another cult classic. Elias interrupts with a guitar verse and gets soundly squashed.

With his son Shane now a paraplegic, the boss contacts several ex-employees and calls upon a former WCW World Champion who can’t wrestle. No, it isn’t Goldberg. This comes after the mastermind behind Mania is struck with another genius concept - a Battle of the Vinces [McMahon versus Russo]. Reverting back to the tired old Monday Night Wars shtick and completely ignoring that Russo ever worked for WWE because VKM writes the history books, remember?

Having successfully stocked NXT with enough indy stars to supply him Mania opponents for a lifetime, Triple H squares off against Johnny Gargano who‘s blossomed into the next Daniel Bryan. Hunter (having wrestled Kevin Owens, Finn Balor, Samoa Joe & Bobby Roode the previous four years) goes over but all is forgiven because TakeOver was awesome the night before.

The majority of the active roster duke it out on the Kickoff Show in a Last Chance Battle Royal with the winner receiving a 1-on-1 match against Strowman who’s been Wyatt’d at every crucial corner of his career. Despite this, fans are still excited about the rumored possibilities for Braun‘s mystery opponent. So naturally Hornswoggle returns and, after Ambrose and Rusev eliminate each other, wins because Vince’s affinity for midget humor is timeless.

WWE announces a record-setting attendance of 103,552 even though the venue only holds 80k and several sections are taped off.

Seemingly safe after management splits up every other tag team on both brands, The Usos are then suddenly forced to feud with one another because Vince thinks they have promising solo careers. The one not banging Naomi is told to wear face paint so we can tell them apart. During the lead-up to Jimmy vs. Jey, management builds the entire storyline around The Usos wanting to seize the spotlight at Mania… and then they’re once again put on the pre-show. Not so coincidentally, the Young Bucks back out of an NXT deal days later.

In a dream scenario that actually warrants a prominent place on the card, Vince books Seth Rollins vs. AJ Styles in hopes that it’ll prevent the Mania crowd from hijacking his show. They only receive 10 minutes because the other 12 are reserved for Machine Gun Kelly. During his performance, the fans chant for Kevin Owens who inexplicably isn‘t scheduled to appear…

And to the surprise of no one, WWE closes Mania with a rehash of something they’ve done before. So begins the one-year build to KO versus MGK!


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