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Posted in: Taste My Rainbow
Wrestling Rainbow ~ Surviving Solely on Statistics (+ the Return of SkittleZ Riddles)
By SkitZ
Oct 26, 2017 - 6:48:42 PM



Surviving Solely on Statistics
(+ the Return of SkittleZ Riddles)











Welcome back to the column that often jumps to conclusions because Vince changes them on the fly - Wrestling Rainbow.





Sugar Rush



It’s fitting that Halloween’s right around the corner given how stranger things have gotten in WWE lately. First they book TLC’s main event like it’s Survivor Series and now they’re treating the November classic as if Bragging Rights is still part of the PPV cycle. A messy period no doubt but one that hopefully results in a bloodied Mahal being mopped off the mat by medics. Jinder’s mind-boggling push over the past six months suddenly made a lot more sense when he challenged Lesnar last week (cue laughter). Not even a 16-month title reign would’ve made Jinder look credible against Brock but I do believe his woeful run as WWE Champion is coming to a close. SkitZ sees it ending one of two ways: Either A) Mahal gets flattened by an F5 and then dethroned at Clash of Champions by Styles or B) Jinder holds the gold until the Rumble or Mania where Cena wins #17.



As for the rest of Survivor Series’ quickly assembled card, the manner in which they pieced it together is definitely a bit puzzling. People are predicting belts to change hands before the event which is whatever. Just as long as they don’t waste The Miz’s awesome reign on a one-off match that won’t matter a month from now. He’s not allowed near the Universal Title so let him keep dominating the IC division. Besides, the B-rated box office star is only six-ish weeks away from surpassing Don Muraco for second all-time on the combined days list as Intercontinental Champion. I’m secretly hoping Miz defends the strap against Angle at Mania (whoops).



Anyways, the sudden script revising for RAW versus SmackDown is filled with plot holes that puncture ongoing storylines on both brands. For instance, you know Shane will eventually seek the assistance of Sami & KO after they just put him through hell earlier this month. And likewise, Roman and Miz will be forced to team together despite them feuding heavily since No Mercy. The stop-start method of storytelling just makes it incredibly difficult to suspend any shred of disbelief. On the plus side, at least it means we’re in for a revamped version of The Usos and Shield’s 2013 rivalry. No it won’t close the show but there’s your main selling point for the PPV. The rest depends on whether or not Shane and Kurt lead by example at Survivor Series and place themselves in the 5-on-5 match.






Over the Rainbow



I’m a nerd at heart which means statistical stuff tugs at my heartstrings. For the purposes of this column, I’ve crunched COUNTLESS numbers to figure out which wrestlers have been most fortunate in the grand scheme of Survivor Series. In order to decide this, I used the following formula:


~ 3 points per elimination
~ 10 points per survival
~ 5 points per non-traditional wins
~ 2 points per title match



Straightforward enough, right? Now since next month’s event marks the thirtieth edition of Survivor Series, I’m using 30 as the cutoff (points-wise) for eligibility which is why you’ll notice some notable names absent from the list below. Either they didn’t compete at the event enough times (Austin & Foley), missed it frequently due to injury (Edge & Christian) or just didn’t perform as well as you’d expect (Angle & Jericho). Some of these rankings will probably surprise you; starting with the guy who finished dead last.




#26 ~ Kane [30 Points]
Overall Record: 8-6-1
# of Eliminations: 1
# of Survivals: 0
Non-traditional Wins: 5
Title Matches: 1


For someone so high on the company totem pole, Kane tends to get the shit end of the stick an awful lot. His list of accomplishments at S/Series speaks for itself despite not boasting very much at all. You’d assume a 20-year career would‘ve resulted in a survival or two; along with multiple eliminations. Sadly, Kane doesn’t have much to show for his efforts here save for a handful of victories in solo bouts. And no, I didn’t factor in anything from his days as a dentist. IS NOTHING KAYFABE SACRED TO YOU.



#25 ~ Mickie James [31 Points]
Overall Record: 4-0
# of Eliminations: 3
# of Survivals: 1
Non-traditional Wins: 2
Title Matches: 1


That’s right, Kane jobbed to a woman. I couldn’t exclude the ladies from this countdown so you’ll see a few of them pop up. Don’t worry though… Nikki Bella didn’t rack up enough points to make the cut. Mickie on the other hand has some beefy stats at Survivor Series; enough to earn her a spot in this sweet Arby’s ad.





She’s not amused. In all seriousness though, Mickie retired Lita at the event in '07, survived in '09 and stacked some eliminations in the process. That deserves a round of a-pause while we sit and gawk at her nudes once more. Who's with me?!



#24 ~ Ric Flair [32 Points]
Overall Record: 2-2
# of Eliminations: 4
# of Survivals: 2
Non-traditional Wins: 0
Title Matches: 0


Naitch only worked four events over the span of 15 years but he was plenty busy in 1991 and 2006. The sole survivor in both instances, Flair showed his group of old geezers how it’s done a decade ago by almost single-handedly dispatching of the Spirit Squad. Ric also had one helluva (losing) battle with Triple H the year prior.



#23 ~ Roman Reigns [34 Points]
Overall Record: 3-1
# of Eliminations: 4
# of Survivals: 1
Non-traditional Wins: 2
Title Matches: 1


Over the past five years, Roman’s been hit or miss at Survivor Series. He submitted to a hernia in 2014 and put in a very passive performance in 2016 but his other two appearances were dare I say superhuman! Reigns barely needed any backup in ’13 when he did 4/5 of the dirty work by himself (on paper). And although we could see it coming from a mile away, 2015 saw his journey come full circle; defeating Del Rio and brother Dean in the same night en route to winning the vacant WWE Title. A historic reign that lasted all of five minutes and some change.



#22 ~ The Miz [35 Points]
Overall Record: 3-4
# of Eliminations: 3
# of Survivals: 1
Non-traditional Wins: 2
Title Matches: 3


Disregarding when Awesome Truth were brushed aside for a part-timer and his heir apparent, the event has brought Miz a steady stream of success since 2007. The highlight being his survival in ’09 which was supposed to be a nod to the next generation. Sure, Vince eventually struck gold with the Miz (and Sheamus is worth keeping around I guess) but Drew was a bad investment at the time. He was the chosen one alright… for the future endeavored club.



#21 ~ British Bulldog [35 Points]
Overall Record: 3-5
# of Eliminations: 5
# of Survivals: 2
Non-traditional Wins: 0
Title Matches: 0


Whilst doing my research, I couldn’t help but wonder how much higher Smith could’ve landed on this list had he not bounced back and forth between companies. DaveyBoy’s placement can largely be attributed to his sole-surviving performances in ‘95 and ‘97. I’m afraid it was all downhill from there though. And while getting rock bottomed on a pile of shit had to be a career low for Smith, being paired up with the Mean Street Posse at S/Series ’99 must come close. Speaking of which, anyone out there read Pete Gas’s book yet?



#20 ~ Natalya [36 Points]
Overall Record: 3-2
# of Eliminations: 3
# of Survivals: 2
Non-traditional Wins: 1
Title Matches: 1


This ranking totally caught me by surprise. Mostly because I wouldn’t have predicted Nattie outscoring the likes of Trish, Lita and Beth Phoenix (who each fell somewhere in the low-mid 20s). Then I realized how much longer her in-ring career has lasted as compared to those aforementioned Hall of Famer’s. Natalya survived back-to-back in 2013-14 and derailed LayCool in 2010 to capture her first title. With Nattie entering this year as reigning SmackDown Women’s Champion, it’s a safe bet she’ll improve upon those stats. Congrats Natalya! Here’s one more thing you can hang over Tyson’s head.



#19 ~ Mr. Perfect [37 Points]
Overall Record: 3-1
# of Eliminations: 4
# of Survivals: 2
Non-traditional Wins: 1
Title Matches: 0


I have no idea what a perfect score is in this scenario but that’s certainly not it. Hennig collected the bulk of his Survivor Series points in 1987 & ’88 when he solely survived two years in a row. Mr. Perfect also scored a DQ win (alongside Macho Man) over Flair & Ramon after Warrior left WWF again following another steroid-fueled temper tantrum. A chain of events which led to Hennig abruptly turning face and feuding with Naitch. Way to ruin a good thing, Warrior.



#18 ~ Chris Benoit [38 Points]
Overall Record: 3-4
# of Eliminations: 3
# of Survivals: 2
Non-traditional Wins: 1
Title Matches: 2


Benoit is survived by his two Benoit survived the traditional elimination match twice. First in 2000 with Saturn because Eddie was still playing second fiddle to Chyna and then again in ‘03 as a member of Cena’s boy band. The Edmonton Strangler went the distance that year but barely got out the gate in 2004 after eating a pedigree. You knew he’d be returning the favor to Trips for those put-overs earlier in the year.



#17 ~ Cody Rhodes [39 Points]
Overall Record: 2-5
# of Eliminations: 5
# of Survivals: 2
Non-traditional Wins: 0
Title Matches: 2


As far as Cody constantly namedropping WWE in Bullet Club promos, I don’t find it sad like some folks. You know what is unfortunate though? The fact that big brother Dustin’s worked for Vince twice as long as Rhodes Lite and yet he (Goldust) scored a meager 8 on my Survivor Series scale. An 8! That’s absurd. Cody’s clearly been blessed with better luck. Well after he got the hell away from Bob Holly. The Rhodes Bros. did drop the Tag Titles to Team Mizdow at the event but before that, Cody survived the traditional 5-on-5 in 2008 & 2011.



#16 ~ Bret Hart [42 Points]
Overall Record: 5-6
# of Eliminations: 3
# of Survivals: 1
Non-traditional Wins: 3
Title Matches: 4


The Hitman’s body of work throughout the first five events is nothing special I assure you. But Bret pieced together some serious classics between 1992-97 and he’ll be the first to tell you. Most of the Hart Family (sorry Owen) would survive in ’93 but Bret actually did his best work outside of the traditional elimination matches. Book ended by his wars with Shawn, The Hitman delivered signature performances against the likes of Bob Backlund, Diesel and Steve Austin; the last of which I re-watch on the regular.



#15 ~ Rey Mysterio [42 Points]
Overall Record: 4-4
# of Eliminations: 6
# of Survivals: 2
Non-traditional Wins: 0
Title Matches: 2


No matter how WWE marketed him, Rey was a cruiserweight at his core and that’s why he thrived in chaotic environments such as these. When Mysterio competed in traditional 5-on-5s, he compiled solid stats and even survived two of them in ‘08 & ‘10. Otherwise, Rey was either serving as a snack for Batista or eating a superkick from Shawn. My favorite Mysterio moment at Survivor Series though hands down is Umaga annihilating him with a spinning side slam. Please someone fetch me a GIF.



#14 ~ CM Punk [45 Points]
Overall Record: 5-2
# of Eliminations: 3
# of Survivals: 1
Non-traditional Wins: 4
Title Matches: 3


When Team DX swept Team Rated RKO in '06 five-to-zip, you wouldn’t have heard a peep out of Punk (politically) who the Philly crowd showered with love that night. Fast forward six or seven years and try imagining Punk and Hunter being that buddy buddy… having a hard time picturing it? Me too! Forgetting the fact that a straightedge wrestler didn’t fit the DX/Team Extreme scene whatsoever, Punk excelled at the event in other areas. From successfully defending the ECW Title against MorriMiz to becoming the rightful WWE Champion in 2011 to extending the same reign a year later to beating The Wyatts with Bryan, Punk left his indelible mark on the company. Vince’s still determined to erase it though.



#13 ~ ??????











SkittleZ Riddles



Two stints with WWE / During the first, you didn’t care,


I returned with a beard / My well-groomed facial hair,


Crowd reaction mattered little with how my career fared,


Neither did TNA when I inevitably landed there.


___________________________________________________


Jesus I feel rusty at these. Think you know the answer? Is it a stumper or annoyingly obvious? Send me your guess via email (skitztmrlop@gmail.com) or post it in the comments section below. I’ll reveal the mystery wrestler in my next column which should drop before Monday. Catch you later, homies.





_SkitZ

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