Wrestling Headlines That
Never Made The Main Page
WWE Re-releasing December to Dismember, Triple H Comments on Controversial NOC Win
Nov 4, 2011 - 7:51:33 AM
- For reasons unbeknownst to us, WWE will be celebrating the five year anniversary of December to Dismember by releasing a deluxe edition this December. And in commemoration of the universally panned pay per view ending 40 minutes early, purchasers will find half an hour’s worth of random ECW matches that nobody cares about in the DVD Extras Section. Additionally, the cheaply manufactured case contains an artificial refund check inside with Mr. McMahon’s image on the back laughing maniacally.
- The COO of World Wrestling Entertainment, Triple H, was recently blindsided by the Coitus Chronicle with some interesting accusations. When asked if he felt justified derailing CM Punk’s push at Night of Champions to stroke his own ego, the thirteen-time World Champion replied “Punk’s push? What about Hunter’s push? I was nice – no – PROFESSIONAL enough to put over my buds Sheamus & Taker right beforehand and then what? I’m supposed to just lay down for some mouthy midcarder just because he’s on a hot streak? And jeopardize my entire legacy? Nah I had Taker inside Hell in a Cell coming up and Punk just knocked off Cena on back-to-back pay per views… so he could stand to lose a little momentum for the greater cause.”
Stephanie McMahon Found Guilty in UK Court
Apr 23, 2013 - 10:00:42 PM
WWE Co-owner Stephanie McMahon has been found guilty of hare coursing in a UK court.
Hare coursing, an activity popular among the traveling community, has been outlawed for some time due to its barbaric nature. McMahon has been found guilty after prosecutors amassed an undeniable amount of evidence to support their case.
The most damning evidence came from Gypsy leader Paddy McCochochochorane, who implicated Stephanie as the ring leader, claiming most referred to McMahon as “Boss Lady”. So far McMahon has declined to comment but the news is bound to have a commercial effect on the WWE as it had just agreed in principal a deal to hold Survivor Series in the Pedigree Chum Arena. Acts of animal cruelty may have scuppered those plans.
Latest Update on the McMahons
May 10, 2013 - 11:48:32 AM
Contrary to projections of wrestling analysts, WWE owner Vince McMahon continues to remain alive and outside of a mental institution. Reports indicate he has recently been seen chanting incantations in his office in an attempt to draw on the life force out of company employees. This is seen as an effort to prolong his own life at any cost, as well as a sign that he hates Daniel Bryan.
As noted earlier in the year, wrestling critics have predicted a significant karmic backlash in the near future for the WWE Chairman.
“At this point we’re pretty sure it’s going to be something like a piano drops on his head, I mean it’s got to be something really over the top to really do justice to his cartoonish levels of evil,” said one anonymous source in the company.
In a related story, rumors have surfaced that Triple H is growing back his infamous sideburns mustache just so he can twirl it evilly as he makes superstars cry on television.
“At least we don’t have to kiss his naked ass, sunshine,” stated the previously mentioned source, taking another swig from his flask.
Jinder Mahal Lands Movie Deal
Jun 12, 2013 - 10:14:44 AM
Jinder Mahal is set to have a supporting role in a big budget Hollywood movie. Mahal is reportedly very excited at the opportunity to showcase his acting abilities, and has been telling friends that he's been researching the role carefully in order to give his best possible performance. The current 3MB member is also looking forward to working with some of the biggest names in the film world. Mahal is scheduled to start filming for “Titty Clitty Gangbang” sometime in the spring of 2014 with Elegant Angel Studios.
Promotional Poster Revealed for TNA’s New Pay Per View
Jun 29, 2013 - 11:24:51 PM
In keeping with the company’s One Night Only theme, TNA has just announced the tentative date for their next PPV event in the series.
Officials supposedly went back and forth on the show’s title for weeks. Last Ditch Effort appeared to be a lock but, as is usually the case, cooler heads did not prevail and an ill-advised change was made at the last minute.
TNA Assf*cked will emanate from the parking lot of Mohegan Sun Casino in Uncasville, Connecticut on December 8th. Early projections indicate a crowd of 65-100 people.
Howard Finkle Living a Double Life
Jul 6, 2013 – 12:49:46 PM
Hall of Fame ring announcer Howard Finkle has been exposed living a double life. It is understood that Finkle, 63, has been living as catwalk model Janice Einhorn as well as making the odd appearance as The Fink in the WWE.
Einhorn was reported to earn over $10million last year and was recently photographed dating Jim Carey. Hollywood news agencies have caught up with Carey who had this to say about the revelations.
Major Story on Tammy “Sunny” Sytch
Aug 27, 2013 - 9:55:13 AM
WWE Hall of Famer and “Original Diva” Tammy Sytch is reported to have not done or said anything stupid or offensive for the last 24 hour period. Astonished onlookers have stated that she was seen out to lunch, shopping, and even talking to other human beings without anyone feeling the need to bash her head into the nearest wall.
“I feel very cheated,” one witness to this unusual event stated. “When I see Sunny I expect her to proposition me on the street, or at least throw up or something. What is this world coming to?”
The general consensus on the situation is that unless her life is falling apart in such a way that makes readers feel better about their own problems, the former wrestling sweetheart isn’t worth reporting on, so please click the link to the latest Matt Hardy interview for your schadenfreude fix.
Possible Update on The Rock, Undertaker & Brock Lesnar’s WrestleMania Status
Sept 1, 2013 - 4:50:23 PM
There are reports swirling about the industry regarding the collective statuses of Dwayne “The Rock Johnson, Undertaker & Brock Lesnar for WMXXX. Mr. McMahon’s ‘Mania meal tickets and their conflicting schedules have the wrestling world in an uproar.
Creative had their hopes pinned on The Rock versus Brock Lesnar but word coming out of Johnson’s camp is that the wrestler/actor will take a much needed break once filming for Fast & Furiously Chaffed concludes in February. Vince is said to be confident he can guilt Dwayne into a showdown with The Undertaker on April 6th. However now there are growing concerns that The Rock will actually be accepting a script in March for the scarcely anticipated sequel Walking Taller Than Yesterday which would occupy the 10-time WWE Champion’s agenda for the new several weeks. Therefore, WWE management’s gone ahead and assumed Undertaker versus Brock Lesnar is the most likely scenario but its future existence hinges on whether or not Calaway can find a suitable Fedora to wear in the meantime.
A triple threat match is also being discussed at this point. It would heavily feature Lesnar’s wife Sable (in various compromising positions) to free company officials from the burden of drawing up an actual storyline arc.
Hunico Surfaces Again
Sept 17, 2013 - 8:57:16 AM
It has been confirmed that WWE Superstar Hunico has resurfaced after a brief stint as the bass guitarist in a South Dakota based rock cover band. Hunico has not worked a match since wrestling at the Wrestlemania Axxess event in April of earlier this year, which led to all four of his fans raising questions as to his whereabouts. Hunico stated in an interview that while he did enjoy performing with his band Alphie And The Aardvarks, who are known for their impressive mash up of the Yes song “Roundabout” and Olly Murrs' “Dance With Me Tonight”, he is looking forward to returning to WWE full time. He is scheduled to return to television shortly. Creative currently has nothing for him.
WWE 2K14 News
Sept 25, 2013 - 2:21:34 PM
WWE has announced the latest game in their “2K” series will feature an expanded Attitude Era mode. Special features of this mode will include Mae Young’s hand-baby, Al Snow’s Chihuahua Pepper, and Grandmaster Sexay as playable characters. Other rumors note an unlockable mini-game where you can play as Hawk falling off the Titantron (including an Owen Hart upgrade with pre-order), and an XFL Mode where you can just put money directly into your console while feeling terrible about yourself.
New TV Project for Cody Rhodes
Sept 30, 2013 - 8:28:31 AM
WWE has given its backing to a new documentary show hosted by Cody Rhodes. The show, tentatively names Rhodes’s Roads, sees Cody Rhodes travelling the country talking about some of his favourite roads. So far the details are sketchy, but Cody’s love for asphalt is well known. He is often seen telling people that if he hadn’t followed his father’s footsteps, he would likely have ended up working on the road network, tarmacking potholes and digging drains.
Cody has high hopes for the documentary, believing if it goes well he may be able to launch another project in the works, Cross Stich with Cody.
Aksana Impresses Officials with Her Skills
Oct 2, 2013 - 5:11:08 PM
There are a number of people within WWE, including Triple H, who reportedly feel that WWE Diva Aksana has something special, and they want to keep her around for the foreseeable future. According to sources, after spending several minutes alone with her at various different points, Vince McMahon, Bill DeMott, Brian Gewirtz, Michael Hayes, Billy Kidman, Steve Lombardi, several members of the road crew and two fans who lied about being high ranking WWE officials, also think she
does has something special too. Expect her to receive a push in the coming weeks.
Oct 4, 2013 - 6:59:18 PM
- An article has recently surfaced focused on legendary icon Hogan, including his dream opponent and his feelings on his future in the business.
“I was always disappointed I didn’t get a chance to go at it with Peter Stilsbury, you know? It was such an obvious match but nobody ever had the guts to pull the trigger on it. I know it would have been a stretch with my filming schedule around that time, but we could have made it happen with big money.”
“As to my future, I’m really open to anything at this point, TNA, WWE, honestly anybody who will give me a job. I haven’t worked in ages, I mean, did you see ‘In Los Angeles’ in ’01? So yeah, I guess I’d say I’m a bit desperate. Got any spare change, mate?”
- Paul Hogan, star of the “Crocodile Dundee” series of films, was rumored to be on track to win the WWE Championship from CM Punk this past Royal Rumble, but plans were changed when The Rock’s filming schedule opened up.
JBL Happy in New Role
Oct 6, 2013 - 9:25:30 AM
JBL is reportedly relishing his new role as NXT Commissioner. Several Superstars have commented on the change in Bradshaw's mood and demeanor backstage recently, noting that he seems a lot happier and more relaxed after joining the NXT team. One wrestler, who was recently added to the NXT roster, said that on his first day in the promotion, JBL was most helpful when he was lost backstage and couldn't find his way around. Apparently, when the wrestler, who chose not to be named, asked JBL “how do you find the men's locker room?” JBL replied with “very satisfying.”
John Cena Returning Soon
Oct 7, 2013 - 1:28:21 PM
John Cena will be returning to television soon after taking time off. The former WWE Champion has missed the last two weeks of action whilst recovering from an amputation, several gunshot wounds, cholera, the Great Plague, radiation poisoning and being eaten alive by a Chinese alligator. Cena recently tweeted that, despite his setbacks, he's a quick healer and he's ready to get back to work and challenge for his 90th World Title, and continue to infuriate the internet on a daily basis.
Michael Hayes Posts Numerous Tweets Explaining His Altercation with Rosa Mendes
Oct 10, 2013 - 3:07:14 PM
WWE issued a statement on October 10th which claimed that Michael Hayes would be taking a leave of absence for personal reasons. This was the company’s thinly veiled bailout for Hayes’ misconduct in which the road agent offered Rosa Mendes alcoholic beverages following her stint in rehab. Shortly after WWE went public with the incident, Michael Hayes sent out a handful of questionable tweets from his Twitter account.
“Surviving rehab? Overcoming demons? Pffffft the chick was chugging Triple Sec like a negro would a liter of orange soda.”
“Oh and it didn’t stop there. Once Rosa topped off the Triple Sec bottle, she set her sights on the Patron. What a lush!”
“No tequila shots or jager bombs were safe. In the process of confiscating more booze, I think she stuck her ring finger up my butthole too.”
“Don’t you people see? I did everybody a favor by enabling that talentless spic. Rosa can’t keep away from the bottle and she swings her hips like a dancing monkey at the carnival.”
“Epico & Primo were lame enough on their own; no need to pour salt in the wound. Score will soon read Hayes 1, Mendes 0. #bestforbusiness”
WWE Continues Controversial Merchandise
Oct 11, 2013 - 12:12:36 PM
The WWE has continued to roll out a new line of controversial merchandise despite the concerns of parental groups and social media. The WWE sex toy line, containing items such as the X-Pac 4” dildo with detachable warts and the Linda McMahon queefing vagina, went on sale earlier this month and quickly sold out. The new items include the Jerry Lawler nipple clamps, Los Matadors double ender and of course the best-selling item, the vibrating Triple H love-egg. They also have high hopes for the Dolph Ziggler DIY anal bleach kit.
Rumored Surprise Entrants for 2014 Royal Rumble, Snitsky’s Profitable Endeavor
Oct 13, 2013 - 6:27:19 AM
- While the jury’s still out on Jake “The Snake” Roberts and if he’ll be in any condition to compete at the Royal Rumble event in January, a few other notable names are being discussed. Due to the popularity of Justin Credible’s web show, the former ECW Champion’s name has been thrown in the hat. But because he heavily criticized the company’s Battleground PPV, WWE would only allow Credible to appear and perform as Aldo Montoya. Al Snow remains a popular pick within inner circles but the Attitude Era star would be forced to operate under his old gimmick Avatar as Head goes against WWE’s PG movement. And while we can neither confirm nor deny anything as of now, Little Jimmy appears to be a unanimous favorite.
- Gene Snitsky’s pro wrestling career may be considered a disappointment to some but the former football star has finally remedied his financial woes at age 43. With no guaranteed contract deals available on the indy circuit, Snitsky chose to buy out several warehouses throughout Pennsylvania in 2010 and unveiled his very own line of male protection earlier this year. Apparently, the product is flying off the shelves and our nation’s contraception sales have plummeted.