Suck it, Tittles.
Thirty Years of Failure: Vote for Chaos! [Opener]
By SkitZ & Dannokaboom
Feb 23, 2014 - 1:03:11 AM
Thirty Years of Failure:
Vote for Chaos! [Opener]
WrestleMania is constantly lauded for its laundry list of classic matches and unforgettable moments; from the infamous Austin/Rock trilogy to Piper being a racist prick and making his feud with Bad News Brown all about skin color. Just as much as we herald the Show of Shows for being epic however, there are incidents you simply can’t forget because somebody fucked up. And 80,000 people witnessed it happen. These botches and miscues are shoved aside and dismissed like a fat foster kid but we want to celebrate them (meaning Dannokaboom & I). Why? Because they’re unintentionally hilarious. Duh.
Now originally, I planned on compiling a 32-part tournament but the last couple scragglers didn’t really belong in the competition. Stuff like Cena contracting amnesia and forgetting to sell HBK’s knee abuse missed the cut because well… when doesn’t WWE’s Poster Boy undersell his opponent? And Sid’s backstage flub at WrestleMania XI didn’t pass the screening process because well… when doesn’t Vicious botch a promo? So I settled on a field of 24 instead; four rounds, three columns and a triple threat finale. Yes I realize Brock’s SSP at WrestleMania 19 appears to be the obvious winner but how about we shed some light on the lesser publicized botches, eh? Lets make it a fair fight (or at least not such a handicap match).
As per usual, it will be YOUR VOTE which determines whether a botch advances or gets eliminated. Readers can either leave their selections in the comments section below or send them to me at (firstname.lastname@example.org). Don’t be a lazy bitch. Chime in!
#1) Brock's shooting star splat (WMXIX)
vs. #24) Clara Peller muffs her signature line (WM II)
Danno: I’ll be honest; I have no idea what a Clara Peller is. If I were to guess her signature line, it would involve something along the lines of loving a Medieval Gauntlet. Now if she messed up her line about her love for the aforementioned gauntlet, with that line being her only job, then she should hang her head in shame. However, does that outweigh Brock Lesnar’s inability to accurately measure distance? I think not. The shooting star press is hilarious, but at least it wasn’t seen by a whole bunch of people eh Brock? Look on the bright side… it’s not like your mush will get any redder by face planting the mat.
SkitZ: Lesnar’s bad landing was more of a rotation issue than miscalculating the distance. Even if Brock had in fact executed the move properly, you can see Kurt rolling out of harm’s way which means the script called for Angle to dodge the blow regardless. Get your shit together, Boom. Clara Peller was an old cunt who gained popularity for her tagline “Where’s the beef?” in various Wendy’s commercials back in the 80’s (which really just goes to show how juvenile and perverted our society has become since then). Peller’s big moment came at WM2 where she lost her cue and then started delivering it while waving the mic frantically like a Life Alert device. Its no wonder Vince cooled it down with the celebrities the following year.
(fast forward to 5:10)
#12) Foley whiffs on flying elbow drop (WMXVI)
vs. #13) Jericho looks like the rookie (WMXXIX)
Danno: Using my extensive memory…………………. I can remember none of these. However, I’ve always found Jericho to be a bit of a show pony, so I find myself forgiving Foley far more. Jericho also has strange old man moobs, a bit of a rapey face and some piss poor tattoos. Jericho is a strange one. He walks on his heels and plods about like he has weights in his feet. I feel guilty now; I think he must have had some orthopedic work done.
SkitZ: Alright you wanna talk about misjudging a jump. The Hardcore Legend’s errant leap from the ring apron to the announce table reminded Mick just how shot his legs really were. Foley gauges everything, goes for the flying elbow drop at Hunter’s behest (why take orders from your fuckin’ sworn enemy to begin with?) and STILL misses Rocky by a foot or two. Good thing Mick never took a stab at long jumping in the Olympics or the United States would’ve never been invited back.
Y2J deserves to have his dick knocked in the dirt too though. Nobody foresaw his match with Fandango at last year’s WrestleMania receiving a warm reception and it didn’t. Granted Curtis’ debut ran a bit smoother than expected but Jericho stomped on any potential praise that might’ve come Fanny’s way. Jericho attempted to pull off the lionsault with Foot Loose dangerously close to the ropes, landed on his feet, tried locking in the walls while selling a foot injury and then lost via rollup. It looked like two cheating spouses being caught in the sack way more than a clever finish to a wrestling match.
(fast forward to 4:15)
#5) Austin's debacle of a stunner on Trump (WMXXIII)
vs. #20) Cole/Lawler for ever being conceived (WMXXVII)
SkitZ: Sweet Jesus. And Vince gets shit on for how poorly he sold his first stunner. The Donald made it seem like the spot wasn’t even planned. Trump did such a terrible acting job, I thought he dropped something mid-move and knelt down to retrieve it. No joke. With all the wrestling he’s watched over the years, you’d think Donald would’ve realized that something else came after the kick to the gut. Here you have a pivotal post-match moment and not only does the camera crew cut away quickly following the stunner but nobody wanted to replay it either. To its credit, at least the ugly ducking of stunners was over in a matter of seconds. Cole versus The King at WM27 however tortured us for nearly 14 minutes. Stone Cold seemed more appalled by having to officiate a Michael Cole match than he did stunning Trump’s earlobe.
Danno: To be fair, Trump deserved a stunner. He clearly had some spunk dripping from his chin and Austin had obviously seen enough of the dangling man-milk. Speaking of dripping spunk, the Cole/Lawler match was easily the least satisfying experience since One Night in Chyna. The Cole/Lawler feud was a three-month botch, with an inconclusive ending. Just truly awful.
#4) Mickie ruins stratusfaction (WMXXII) vs.
#21) Ultimo Dragon nearly busts his ass (WMXX)
Danno: I can kind of understand how both of these botches occurred. Ultimo Dragon was trying desperately to adjust his awkward tea cosy mask and merely lost his footing. Trish was still reeling from the finger blasting Mickie had delivered; Stratus was clearly still trembling from the lady love. What many don’t realize is that Ultimo Dragon had just received a cheeky finger from Pat Patterson before he entered the arena, causing the nasty tumble.
SkitZ: Highly plausible, my colleague. Had it not been for company officials rushing cruiserweights out to the ring every 60 seconds however, I doubt Dragon would’ve pulled a Sin Cara in the first place. And lets face it… Ultimo does deserve some credit for acting instinctively and not busting his ass in front of 18,000 people. Mickie tried copying Trish’s springboard bulldog but Stratus couldn’t support the weight of James’ labia lips and they both crumpled to the mat. The sexual deviant had worked a crisp match up to that point though and the smarky Chicago crowd quickly forgave her. Take note, WWE. If you’re concerned about CM Punk chants at the upcoming RAW held there on March 3rd, just cram the show with a bunch of chubby experimental dykes.
#8) Sablebomb on Tori goes awry (WMXV)
vs. #17) Diesel somersaults HBK (WMXI)
SkitZ: After signing Sable to a hefty contract, Vinnie Mac wanted a little more bang for his buck (and earned it with a sexual harassment lawsuit). With all the money VKM had shelved out for wrestling's hottest Diva, titty paint and slutty outfits weren't cutting it so the boss decided to turn Sable into a legitimate wrestler. Horrible idea. #8 is a perfect example why. In a match plagued with eye sores, the powerbomb falls to pieces and then Sable just throws her arms up and WTF's the crowd while Tori stares at her crotch.
Four years prior, Diesel & Michaels suffered the same fate. Nash claims in the Wrestling Timeline series that Shawn purposefully flubbed the move because he was lobbying hard for his spot. Whatever the case may be, Big Daddy Cool’s jackknife powerbomb resembled a faulty cheerleading stunt as Michaels lazily somersaulted before crumbling to the mat. It’s certainly an unsavory spot. More unsightly than the chick version though? Ehhhhhhh.
Danno:Wow, two terrible powerbombs. Tori was arguably with worst thing ever; even worse than cat herpes, so a botch is to be expected. That said, the teenaged pervert in me just can’t say a bad word about Sable. What a milf that woman was. The HBK/Diesel fuck up can be improved by blinking rapidly and listening to dub step. It appears to be a really hard hitting move when enhanced with audio torture. I’ve often found many things can be improved with dub step. The curling at the winter Olympics becomes like a seriously bad acid trip with the introduction of dub step. Stop saying dub step. Dub step. Who said that?
(fast forward to 5:40)
Sable vs. Tori by Jokerwilds
(fast forward to 2:48)
#6) Vickie's frog splash flop (WMXXVI) vs.
#19) Piper nails ref in nuts with crutch (WMVII)
SkitZ: WrestleMania 26 is best remembered for featuring the final match of Shawn Michaels’ career. You know what though? Vickie paying homage to her deceased husband belongs in that same category. After being escorted to the top rope by 13 divas, Guerrero astonishingly kept her balance long enough to signal up towards the heavens before crashing down onto the unfortunate bimbo who drew the shortest straw beforehand in the locker room. Vickie’s interpretation of the frog splash had her land kankles first and mudslide atop Kelly Kelly. As the world cringed, Guerrero then proceeded to botch the pinfall as well by wrenching Kelly’s legs back to the point where both her shoulders were miles off the canvas. Congrats for making an awkward situation more uncomfortable.
Upon doing a double take, I’m not sure whether Hot Rod’s crutch toss passes as a botch. Following Dibiase/Virgil, Piper rolls around on the mat; playing tug-of-war with the ref. Once he breaks free and seizes control of the crutch, Hot Rod whips it and makes blunt contact with said official’s jumblies. The poor guy tries to be a man about it but grabs at his crotch like a bitch. If dudes wore protection, these kinds of accidents could be avoided completely.
Danno: I reached back into my spank bank and retrieved the sight of Vickie plodging her way through a frog splash. It really was quite the ugly sight wasn’t it? It reminded me of the time I ended up getting frisky with Fat Sam with big boobies; I’m fairly sure she hit me with a frog splash too. That poor referee. Here we are, mocking the man taking a crutch to the crotch, but after doing a little research I discovered that the poor bloke lost that testicle. Don’t get me wrong… it wasn’t because of the injury. No, he was riding his bike out in the woods one day and it simply dropped off without him realizing. He searched the woodland for weeks; poor fucker never found it.
(fast forward to 12:20)
#9) Shelton's sunset miss on MVP (WMXXV)
vs. #16) WrestleMania IX... the entire PPV
SkitZ: To this day, it fucking perplexes me how sunset flips are wrecked as often as they are. Why is timing such a big problem? The wrestler delivering the move propels forward and when he tugs at the legs, you let go. So how, on the biggest stage possible, does MVP stay clung to the ladder like it’s his first taste of pussy while Shelton’s left to look the fool? Kudos to Benjamin however for reacting quickly and powerbombing MVP onto a pile of dudes conveniently hugging outside the ring.
But can that small sliver of debauchery compare to an entire event? We toyed around with including this match or that match but I soon realized WrestleMania 9 itself warranted a spot in this tourney. Taker/Gonzalez is but a fraction of why the entire pay per view belongs in the conversation. HBK botched a victory roll at WrestleMania for fuck sake! If that doesn’t spell disaster, then I clearly suck at spelling. How does this match-up sit with you, Boomer?
Danno: I have a major problem with Shelton Benjamin’s ladder spot at WrestleMania. You see, six year ago I fell off a 20-foot ladder at work and landed on a metal duct; hitting my tail bone hard. Obviously, after a big fall like that, I had to visit a hospital. During that visit the doctor performed a test on me to check I had no paralysis in my rectum, by sticking his big fat finger up my jacksie. Needless to say, any stupid ladder spots make me clench with the power of a thousand bears. Oh yeah, wrestling column. WrestleMania 9 was almost as bad as getting fingered after falling from a ladder. Ah fuck it!
(fast forward to 11:15)
#3) Batista clearly can't carry Umaga (WMXXIV)
vs. #22) Matt Hardy's bizarre chair toss (WMXVII)
Danno: Well well well, Drax the Destroyer, a guardian of the galaxy, can’t lift a heavy set Samoan. I suppose that the galaxy’s fucked then. Maybe Burt the Racoon is going to carry the weight of saving the galaxy. Hopefully, Burt the Racoon could team up with Drax at a future WrestleMania; that would be a guaranteed money draw. I can’t recall Matt Hardy’s bizarre chair toss, but if you simply remove the words “chair toss” everything becomes clearer. Matt Hardy is bizarre. He is the emperor of Bizarro Land, while his brother rules Nutjob County. Remember when Matt kept promising us the world was about to change, yet did absolutely nothing of note whatsoever? What was he planning? There was a rumor he wanted to become an art dealer, selling his brother’s work. Here is an example, it’s called Summer’s Day.
SkitZ: In all fairness, I’ve watched the TLC II classic a couple dozen times and never spotted Hardy’s blooper until someone pointed it out on YouTube. Most smarks have never laid eyes on the chair whiff because it occurs in the background while Jeff is preparing for one of his crazy ladders spots (the swanton bomb onto Rhyno and Spike). While the younger Hardy relishes in the moment/enjoys the high he’s experiencing, Matt goes to clock a dazed Edge inside the ring and fuckin’ frisbees the chair clear over Copeland’s head. This is long before the ban on chair shots to the head mind you. So how do you miss a standstill target with a clunky folding chair? Only Matt Hardy could blank that shot.
Meanwhile, Big Dave’s stumble and bumble can be simply explained... Umaga sandbagged him. Think about it. Jamal worked his ass off to put on great matches and sell for the top babyfaces while Batista would show up, deliver three power moves (usually botch two of them), win and head for the gay bars. So when Umaga discovered the afternoon of ‘Mania that he’d be jobbing to The Animal in a relatively brief match, the Samoan Bulldozer took matters into his own thighs. Jamal may not have crushed Batista’s ribs as originally planned but slamming your crotch into another man’s face is a sign of dominance in some cultures. More importantly, Fatu got the last laugh (well I mean he’s dead so technically Big Dave did but whatever).
(fast forward to 2:00)
(fast forward to 14:35)
Edge & Christian vs Hardy Boyz vs Dudley Boyz... by Vyk_Galaxion
#10) Warrior's backbreaker goes awry (WMV)
vs. #15) Mysterio's modified 619 slips (WMXXII)
SkitZ: Old school fans don’t often refer to Warrior’s work as “finesse” or “clinical” or “relatively safe”. So there’s no need to alert the media in regards to his inclusion here. Warrior delivered a sloppy backbreaker to Rude, posed for a photo op, forgot to drop his opponent, attempted to stand, slipped on a lubed rubber and both men crashed into the corner like a drunken husband carrying his newly wed bride. The Ultimate Warrior wasn’t finished showing off just yet though. No he suplexed the Ravishing One back into the ring and decided to drop him headfirst; opting for a more dramatic visual.
Mysterio could do no right in the eyes of the douchebag fans attending WrestleMania 22. Despite a rapid fire triple threat contest that crammed more crazy shit into a small time slot than Dixie Carter, the Allstate Arena wanted no part of Rey Rey’s “This one’s
for because of Eddie!” championship coronation. Late in the match (so like 6 minutes in), the Mexiccunt attempted to hit the 619 with an assist from the ring post. But due to the gloves he stole from Sting in WCW, Mysterio lost his grip and fell to the floor in embarrassment. Rey Rey quickly delivered a Sin Cara type kick but it twas’ too late; the ridicule had already begun.
Danno: In fairness to Warrior, Donald Trump’s quiff could put any man off. The sight of that hair piece clearly distracted the 2014 Hall of Famer (Trump really needs to cover that thing up). I think we can forgive Warrior this time. Not only did he have to deal with Trump’s hair but Rude was basically wearing hipsters. The waistband on Rude’s tights was uncomfortably low, just fractionally above the tallywacker. Rey has left me in a difficult situation. My kids love Rey Mysterio, but they can’t say the word booyaka. Instead, my kids sing “bugger ya, bugger ya, 619”, which is an entirely different ordeal. So now, whenever Rey’s opponent is lying prone over the second rope, both of my kids start shouting “bugger ya”. Rey’s theme music is the biggest botch in wrestling history in my house.
(fast forward to 1:00)
(fast forward to 5:58)
#7) LOD's Animal shames the piledriver (WMXIII)
vs. #18) Mysterio's wardrobe malfunction (WMXXI)
SkitZ: It’s one thing to botch a piledriver in the manner Owen did when he broke Austin’s neck. Viewers winced at the sight of Steve’s temporary paralysis but it still made for a sick spot (even under the unfortunate circumstances). It’s another thing however to lift the opponent, suspend him upside down and pussy out. Either Animal couldn’t balance Faarooq’s weight between his legs(…) or he nearly shat himself and froze in constipation. The announce table didn’t break. The crowd didn’t pop. And luckily, Animal kept his bum puckered.
If only Mysterio was that thoughtful. Rather than wear his traditional mask with the Velcro strap, Rey Rey decided to be a cheap bastard and purchase one from the local iParty store. Mysterio’s cost cutting measure robbed us of a WrestleMania doozy. Eddie brought his usual excellence to WM21 but Rey couldn’t pull off a routine hurricanrana without reconfiguring that flimsy fucking mask. Hell the pint-sized performer spent more time adjusting than I do when sending penis pics to lonely ex’s. You dulled my buzz, Mysterio. Eat a weiner.
Danno: Eventually, I found it. Animal’s piledriver on Farooq is quite possibly one of my favorite things ever. He looks like Gary, the Saturday boy at the grocers. He’s picked up a large bag of potatoes but can’t manage the immense weight of the carbohydrate rich veg. He struggles, desperately looking for a place to sit. If you watch immediately after the botch, Animal can clearly be seen apologizing to Faarooq, “sorry brother; I feel like Gary the grocery boy”.
I think the wardrobe malfunction was planned to be honest. Why would Rey wear a nipple decoration if there weren’t plans in place to have Eddie expose it for the audience to see? Sure, they covered the botch with the “wardrobe malfunction tag”, but that isn’t fooling me. It was a big kinky minded, wasn’t it?
#11) Stray pyro injures fans in stands (WMXXIV)
vs. #14) Hunter punts nothing but air (WMXXV)
SkitZ: Vincent K. McMahon is known for his elaborate displays. WrestleMania XXIV was no exception as the pay per view concluded with a meteor shower of fireworks. Undertaker posed on his knee with the World Heavyweight Title as some errant pyro darted into the crowd and barbequed 35-45 people. WWE tried sweeping the incident under the rug and no refunds or bottles of Aloe Vera were presented to the burn victims in the aftermath. How fucking Jewish of a billion dollar company to behave like that, right?
Speaking of misconduct, The Viper’s impulsive outbursts leading up to WrestleMania XXV had the IWC doing laps in a jizz bath. Management suddenly forgot that Orton and Triple H had wanted to kill each other for weeks and booked the ruthless rivals innnnnnnnnnnnnnn a traditional wrestling match! How revolutionary! Because of these restrictions, we were supposed to be enthralled by shit like Randall and The Game connecting with their finishers in the opening minutes. And Hunter repaying the favor by punting Orton as he climbed back in the ring. Only Trips missed The Viper’s head by a healthy cock’s length and the entire universe saw it because A.) WWE had recently gone HD and B.) this match moved as slow as Khali’s knees. Perhaps The King of Kings should stick to his own shitty arsenal (and learn the difference between a suitable stipulation and whatever the shit this was).
Danno: That isn’t entirely true, SkitZ. They were offered a medium sized cup full of ice to sooth their injuries. Admittedly if they wanted a large cup they had to pay, which is a little bit harsh. But the bottom line is you don’t become a billionaire by writing cheques.
Things that missed further than Hunter’s punt
-- Diana Ross’s penalty in the ’94 World Cup opening show
-- My jokes
-- The Bronco’s snap sailing over Manning’s head at the SuperBowl
-- 2014’s Robocop and the target ticket sales for the futuristic reboot
(fast forward to 3:10)
#2) Sim Snuka nearly commits homicide (WMXXV)
vs. #23) Security allows fan to disrupt main event (WMXXIII)
SkitZ: While HBK and The Phenom were catching praise from every corner of the wrestling community, Snuka nearly rivaled them with the amount of flack he received backstage for providing a weak safety net. The dude had ONE JOB and still managed to botch his supporting role during Taker’s suicide dive. The more I study the spot however, the more it appears Shawn sabotaged Snuka’s career. Michaels waited until the last cunt hair of a second before pulling Sim into harm’s way. Maybe Michaels had issues with Superfly back in the day? Nah I think Snuka’s just a talentless sack of potatoes. He couldn’t carry a tag team. He couldn’t make the cut in Orton’s stable of GQ models. And he couldn’t ditch the camera for five seconds to fulfill his basic duty. Did it shock anybody that WWE released him two months later? Didn’t think so. If it weren’t for the family connection, Vinnie Mac would’ve pulled the plug within 24 hours. Tamina > Deuce.
And just barely sneaking into the competition is an ambitious young fan who entered the ring following HBK and Cena’s introductions at WrestleMania 23. Now much like streaking in soccer games, I’ve always been impartial to a rebellious soul hopping the barricade during RAW or an inconsequential PPV match. But to doze off long enough for an intruder to disrupt the fuckin’ main event of a WrestleMania??? Blame the security (which WWE probably did instead of taking responsibility for being understaffed). Fire every last one of those lazy chodes without hesitation and without proper compensation. Someone needs to pay for the unnecessary stalling that commenced or else Danno & myself will invade the squared circle at WM30 clad in our birthday suits.
Danno: My three-year old daughter has better hand eye coordination than Sim Snuka. I actually think, despite being only three foot tall and weighing 42lbs, Amelia would do a far more efficient job than the adopted son of the, yet to be convicted murderer, Jimmy. Admittedly, Amelia would immediately run to me; expecting me to chastise the Dead Man for landing on her. I think I could take him. Unfortunately for Sim, the only thing he managed to catch during his WWE run was a nasty case of pox from Kelly Kelly.
After observing the drunken doofus clumsily attempt to remove his clothes, it’s clear that a future in male stripping is looking fairly unlikely. I remember when the cameras used to follow these invaders… now they stick to a close up of Shawn Michaels and his dirty brown fake tan. I saw my first pair of boobs at a football match; a rather heavyset woman freed her norks during a pre-season friendly. Why Dougie’s mother felt the urge to streak an under 8 football match I’ll never know.
Not exactly a ‘Plan column but we common folk don’t memorize entire Thesauruses for fun. If you courageously read the entire column, don’t fret… I had no fucking idea what Danno was talking about either (probably sent him the wrong email). Nevertheless, the polls are open so stab away at that keyboard and VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE FAP AND VOTE SOME MORE. You have until 6:00am (est) on Wednesday, February 26th ladies and gentlemen. Make a handful of those minutes count for something God dammit! The fate of this tournament depends on it! Don’t scroll through and figure you’ll just vote later! Because you won’t! We both know you won’t! So participate now before this competition reaches unprecedented levels of awesomeness and leaves you in the digital dust! Act now or regret it forever!
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