Taste My Rainbow - Welp... Finally Popped My TNA Cherry
Nov 24, 2013 - 7:45:18 PM
Popped My TNA Cherry
My personal ties to TNA are looser than any Filipino girl you know. Guaranteed. This column isn’t about experiencing some sort of epiphany overnight. And there’s no surge of intense optimism within me to suggest a defection from WWE’s product. If anything, SkitZ is merely curious as to whether he can couch it through an entire episode of IMPACT. Lord knows I’ve tried once or twice before. Four(ish) years ago, TNA went to bat with WWE on a Monday night in January; hopes ridiculously high that The Hulkster’s arrival would reverse the trend and eat into Vince’s precious TV ratings.
I conceded defeat about 15 minutes into what fucking felt like a 43 minute opening segment. Hogan & Bischoff vowed to “flip the company upside down” and that’s exactly what they did. The Two-Man Power Trip lifted TNA by its ankles and shook vigorously until nearly every last cent fell out. Whether Hulk & Easy E were on board for the right reasons isn’t important. Their agenda failed. And as many critics projected would happen, the company’s in worse shape now because of Hogan & Bischoff. TNA’s financial woes don’t necessarily mean failure is academic… as long as they continue scaling shit back where needed and keep realistic goals. Competing with WWE is beyond brainless.
For what it’s worth, this isn’t a premeditated attack on TNA. I customarily lambast WWE’s creative direction (as my good buddy DownWithSmarks will surely attest to) mostly for kicks and this likely won’t be any different. Dixie Land is often susceptible to quizzical decision making and refund demands but I’m convinced the problem lies elsewhere. Perhaps an obvious oversight but TNA could use… well more T&A.
Hey how you doin'?
......fap a-fap fap fap fart
Seriously though, D. Carter better start showing off that leathery golden skin or hire some strippers until she buys a more revealing wardrobe. If you don’t maintain a certain level of "exposure", fans get uppity and anxious (its proven science). MILFs and power are always a winning combination.
I’ll be borrowing Hustle’s Running Diary shtick for a week to best go about reviewing TNA’s 11/21/13 episode. The company habitually tapes their shows days, months, years, decades in advance so I apologize if this is severely out of date. It’s no fault of my own that you could witness a wrestler’s debut, career peak and retirement all while vacationing in Orlando for the summer. Regardless, let’s roll the footage!
9:00 – We’re slapping pay per view titles on IMPACT these days? And the company’s downgraded to four PPV’s per year? Fuck you’d assume the number would be going up now that they’re no longer burdened with Hogan’s contract.
9:02 – How much pussy did Taz have to eat for a chance at being relevant again? I mean it’s been like 13 years so I don’t blame him. Here’s one guy who’d definitely cry if Aces & 8’s met its demise.
9:04 – JBL is kicked back in a hotel room somewhere (robe and all) enjoying the shit outta this one-sided bar fight. Two things I took away from the opening bit: 1) The Cowboy needs to stop boozin’ so close to show time if he can’t properly defend himself. And 2) That wildebeest in the background was devastated when Rhoode dumped his chips and queso dip on Storm.
9:11 – Damn Dixie’s heel heat equates to a cunt fart in rough comparison of what Guerrero hears on a regular basis. At least she’s intelligible however and doesn’t give you the sudden urge to stuff your ear canals with silicone.
9:14 – Lol @ Samoa Joe telling Magnus to walk back through the curtain and find him. Solid logic, homie. Why waste the calories?
9:22 – Thus far, Joe looks sloppy and disinterested. Can we chalk it up to a poor diet or a poor relationship with TNA management?
9:25 – I’ve always hated the ‘Fall Count Anywhere’ stipulation. It’s simply a standard wrestling match that allows a pinfall to be made outside the ring. Whoopedy-fucking-do.
9:28 – What in the blazes is up with that fuckin’ finish? Yikes. Not only does Magnus spend a lifetime searching for and positioning a steel chair but he pins Joe after tubs runs headfirst into said weapon. Weaksauce ending there.
9:34 – Kazarian referring to Joseph Park as a "chubby piece of weiner cheese" could very well be the defining highlight of this entire show.
9:39 – Goddamn are there any babyfaces or fan favorites in this company? We’re nearly 40 minutes deep in this episode and James Storm has been the only guy I’ve heard the fans really pop for tonight.
9:41 – Evidently, Christopher Daniels is quite the motivational speaker. WWE’s anti-bullying reps would have a field day with this Bad Influence/verbal abuse segment.
9:45 – Wow the crowd response Candice Lerae received was on par with an empty arena match.
9:48 – Mmmmmm Gail Kim... I may have to start DVR’ing IMPACT from now on at the request of my libido. Congrats to the sexy little chink for carving out a niche in an organization that actually acknowledges her abilities/existence.
9:56 – Christy Hemme doing her best Lilian Garcia impersonation. At least TNA found her a gig she couldn’t screw up (not disastrously bad anyway). I’m digging the oily cleavage.
10:01 – Okay so there are TV monitors all over the arena in plain sight. James Storm is waiting in the ring with mass weaponry (THRU A COMMERCIAL BREAK) and you head out to ringside nonchalantly without a weapon??? Rookie move, Rhoode. Rookie move.
10:06 – Our astute broadcast team randomly hypes Hardy’s new CD and music video. If Jeff’s wrestling promos are any indication, no thanks. I’ll pass. And no I don’t want a free copy either.
10:08 – Rhoode with a classic Ric Flair flop and some canvas-humping convulsions he probably learned from Devon. Overselling is alive and well I see.
10:13 – Gunner scales the apron and throws in the white towel on Storm’s behalf; effectively cockblocking the cheaply disguised last man standing match from hitting another gear. Teasing a barbed wire spot then not delivering? Poppycock.
10:21 – Christy Hemme brings us an extremely awkward interview with Sam(uel) Shaw from his sketch apartment. I’m shocked TNA aired the drawing of John Cena in Shaw’s art book. Why promote the competition in any shape or form? This angle will end with Hemme raped and dismembered. I’m calling it now.
10:23 – Ah so that’s where Derrick Bateman went? Zack Ryder should’ve swallowed his pride and followed suit.
10:32 – How long until TNA tries signing Robert Griffin III to a short term deal? You know since bringing in NFL & UFC stars has paid off so well for them in the past.
10:35 – Even for a squash match, that was brutal to sit through (sans the Dean Ambrose finisher). Whatever TNA’s pushing EC3 towards desperately needs to be fast forwarded and laid to rest.
10:42 – Dixie announces an eight man elimination tag match for next week’s Thanksgiving episode? Well isn’t that conveniently placed on the schedule. Subtlety just flew right out the window, folks.
10:46 – Anderson low blows Bully Ray and Brooke investigates his crotch for damage? What a model girlfriend. I’m envious.
10:53 – The "unity of the TNA locker room", Tenay? You mean all seven of them watching from the stage? My God what a cohesive heap on humanity…
10:55 – Hey I was wondering where those tights Matt Hardy wore for three months in 2009 disappeared to. Oh Kenneth you penny pinching bastard!
10:57 – In an interesting development, Anderson exposes the concrete underneath the ringside padding and readies
Knox Knux for a piledriver… before dropping him on the mat instead. Shitty awareness.
11:00 – So it would appear I just bared witness to the long overdue conclusion of the Aces & 8’s saga. That should be a must-see moment, right? Why can’t I focus on anything besides Brooke’s stomach then? Imagine the pools of seamen that toned little tummy could hold…………
(clears throat) Not an ideal way to spend two hours but also far from dreadful. It felt like an average RAW episode with half as many replays and a high school production crew. Rhoode/Storm and Bully Ray/Anderson both deserved more time (even by TV standards). The rest I could wipe my ass with and still find dingleberries the morning after. Several keys absences - such as Jeff Hardy, Chris Sabin, Austin Aries, etc. – made IMPACT’s presentation feel shallow and punctured. Maybe management should be commended for having the balls to ship AJ Styles around the globe and shill their product shamelessly. I think as much as the angle might help improve TNA’s fanfare internationally however, it’s doing more harm than good. Could the company be giving up on American business since WWE dominates that corner of the market? Food for thought.
So will I tune into SPIKE next Thursday? Aside from a terrorist group imploding the TD Garden in Boston tonight, probably not. You’ve seen the IWC’s reaction towards this year’s Survivor Series… Juggling two shitty wrestling products at once is not a journey I wish to embark on.
"X" Smarks The Spot
With [Week 2] in the books, we move ahead. For you XSTS virgins, here’s how it works. I’ll lay down a couple questions and readers can either leave their submissions in the comments section below or email them to me (SkitzLOP@aol.com). After reading every entry sent in, I shall determine a favorite and that individual will be awarded 350 words of literary freedom to abuse in the next TMR; the only criteria being he/she keeps it wrestling related. There isn’t necessarily a right or wrong answer here so don’t go all college thesis on me. Let the horseplay ensue.
I. – Have you downloaded the Rockpocalypse app on your smart phone? If so, does the gameplay justify the fuck tons of space it takes up? Your answer is vital in how I drown out my girlfriend’s blow dryer while she applies globs of makeup and kill time waiting to be seated at restaurants. Will I crumble to addiction or regret it immediately?
II. – Which absurdly racist nickname suits Big E Langston best?
b) Choc Lesnar
d) Wish to share something homemade?
Defend your bigotry.
"What’s up guys? Kingzak here with a mini section thanks to my win on "X" Smarks The Spot. I have been thinking a lot about Survivor Series lately. Whenever I go online, I always see a comment along the lines of “Survivor Series is not as good as it used to be” or “the traditional tag match is useless nowadays”. When I see those comments, I just think to myself “have either of these ever really been interesting?”. My first Survivor Series was in 2007 and other than a HIAC match between Undertaker and Batista, I couldn’t care less about the card. And back then, I was still in the days of being a mark. I have only become more disillusioned with Survivor Series over time. The tag matches are even worse! They are literally that; tag matches. Why do people feel the need to complain about it? We get like six of these type of matches throughout the year for free and they are never that good. They only ever seem to be around the 3 star rating in my opinion.
Survivor Series is just another PPV; I have never seen it as anything else. It has never had the allure of WrestleMania, SummerSlam or the Royal Rumble. It is just another PPV and the only reason I can think of why people would defend it so much is because it s one of the first recurring PPVs. So what? Just because it’s old doesn’t automatically mean it’s good. Once something has gone past its usefulness in wrestling, you get rid of it. Whether it is a storyline, a superstar or a pay per view. Next year I hope WWE wakes up and we see a brand new November PPV. If for no other reason than shutting up the idiots who keep whining about it. Before I end, I’d just like to thank SkitZ for giving me this spot and you for reading.
TMR_ Satisfaction Notwithstanding
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