Taste My Rainbow - The Authority Deserves Some Brownie Points, No?
Oct 31, 2013 - 4:11:07 PM
The Authority Deserves
Some Brownie Points, No?
Originally, I had a rather generic project titled Smudging WMXXX With My Dirty Fingerprints tentatively scheduled for this week. However it dawned on me after work the other day that I really had no interest whatsoever in throwing various WrestleMania scenarios at the wall until a few of them stuck. Then whilst watching RAW later that evening, SkitZ found something he did give an actual fuck about and went to town. Before we get balls deep in that though, allow me to clear my mind on a couple other matters first...
Please remove the Caps Lock from your keyboard and breathe into the brown paper bag. Sandow isn’t doomed. In fact, I believe the opening segment from Monday’s RAW will go a long way in furthering Damien’s main event push. His leather bound briefcase was more of an anvil than it was a launching pad. Yeah the Intellectual Savior might’ve been straw fed to a one-armed Cena and denied the World Heavyweight Championship but, upon closer examination, Damien’s tragic loss is more than just a moral victory… it’s an FYI from management that they’re still deeply invested in Sandow. If you’ve followed Damien’s activity since becoming Mr. MITB nearly four months ago, then his recent undoing shouldn’t surprise you any more than an anonymous fart at the bus stop.
Said briefcase did nothing but slow Sandow’s momentum to a crawl (its ass backwards I know). Not only did the Intellectual Savior leave me feeling uber impressed following his performance with the company’s cash cow but it must have resonated throughout the locker room. Damien is a major player on the brink of breaking out, folks. Part of me believes that, despite Sandow failing to cash in against Cena, Sandow will end up with the World Title around his waist much sooner than people expect. If anything, the bigger picture revolves around Damien and WWE used the chain of events that opened RAW as a loophole to keep The Franchise Player from looking weak. Who’s to say the ensuing championship match between Cena & Del Rio at Survivor Series doesn’t turn into a triple threat also involving Sandow? Damien scores a quick pin on ADR while Cena’s signing autographs at ringside and BLAMO - you’re all set. They each walk away without getting shit on.
Most importantly, don’t dismiss Sandow just yet. WWE’s Poster Boy returning and claiming the World Title is a nice feel good story but in the grand scheme, it makes less sense than staring in the mirror after puking your guts out. Or pressing harder on the remote when your batteries are clearly dead. Or friends yelling “Heads up!” when you should duck. Or… well I’m sure you get the idea.
WWE’s estrogen-driven program on the E! Network often makes you wish Congress would abolish women’s rights but I’m guessing it appeals to certain demographics. Admittedly, they hooked me in at first. But enduring a couple Total Divas episodes left me feeling the same way I do when a group of obnoxious black girls walk into the same movie theater – scammed. It’s a shame too because all the show needs is a tweak here and an adjustment there to be deemed watchable. Care to hear some of my suggestions?
10 Things I Wanna See Happen During the Second Half of Total Divas:
1. Justin Gabriel 450 splash JoJo while they’re out on another date and leave her with the bill.
2. The producers alter the show’s name to Total Diverticulitis and center the rest of the season around Nattie’s supposed flatulence problem... But it turns out Neidhart is pregnant with Jared’s kid, not Tyson’s. Drama drama baby’s mama.
3. Naomi join a yoga class ; )
pet gorilla boyfriend Vincent go on a booze binge and work up the liquid courage to confront Brodus Clay in a physical manner.
5. Eva Marie further embarrass herself by proving that she truly is good at nothing (besides pretending to be good at things of course).
6. Natalya break the news to Fandango that Summer Rae is actually a better wrestler than him.
7. Brie spend the remaining episodes searching the country for the perfect breast surgeon (while Bryan approves/disapproves of each physician with his signature catchphrase).
8. The entire cast be subjected to four weeks of military styled boot camp run by Bill DeMott.
9. Nikki get shit faced on wine to the point where she tells John exactly what the IWC thinks about him.
10. Somebody finally put a muzzle on Cameron. Goddamn.
Side note: Do yourself a favor and buy this album on Tuesday. I don’t care
what’s scribbled on your calendar for November 5th. This supersedes it.
The Fortunate Son’s career appeared destined for greatness in the early stages, right? Initially, I was taken aback by how minimal the rumblings were across the internet over Dibiase’s exit. But with each passing minute, I grew increasingly nonchalant because well… you could see it coming from a mile away. Ted’s been declining like an MS victim since Legacy disbanded and the bleeding never stopped. No midcard belts were readily available so they brought the Million Dollar Title out of retirement, gave the dude a sexy ass valet in Maryse, ample air time and he still managed to spin in circles. Is the Creative Team responsible for the second generation star’s freefall from relevancy? Feuds with Jinder Mahal & Hunico aren’t exactly what I’d consider stepping stones to success. Or did Dibiase come off too plainly in the eyes of company officials and coast on his family’s reputation? Ahhhhh prepare for another mini-list.
5ish Reasons Why Teddy Didn’t Make It in WWE:
1) Theodore lacked an intangible. Observing his promos and matches typically resulted in me scanning through my phone apps (half of which I haven’t used since downloading them). You could sense Dibiase’s hunger throughout ’08 & ’09 but once firmly planted aside Orton, The Fortunate Son took his foot off the gas pedal and became complacent. It’s as if closing the 2009 Royal Rumble with a massive star in The Viper and working extensively with DX caused Ted to peak too early(…). Working regularly with household names from the get-go adversely affected his World Title aspirations.
2) Whichever brilliant road agent conjured up the “Dibiase Posse” shtick should be executed on sight. Horrible concept for a guy with Teddy’s pedigree. For starters, the gimmick reeks of jobber patrol. When you’re spending more time partying with randoms in the parking lot than entertaining them between the ropes, that should raise a red flag. It follows along the same lines as the aimless midcarders who are chosen to shill merchandise backstage every week because they can’t lock down ring minutes. When you can barely secure a small window on SmackDown, be afraid. Terrified even.
3) Did anybody ever stop and wonder if perhaps Dibiase just couldn’t keep pace with Cody? I mean wouldn’t you say it’s a rarity that two young studs from the same group both reach their full potential? Lisp be damned, Rhodes instantly affirmed himself on SmackDown circa 2010 as the quicker learner of the pair. His promos (albeit slurry on occasion) were more polished and Cody explored other areas within the dashing & masked personas. Meanwhile, Ted ran a 20 year old gimmick into the ground and allowed his in-ring game to plateau while Rhodes widened the gap. Cody generally maintains my interest when he talks whereas Dibiase tended to treat live mic opportunities like a fuckin’ conference call.
4) Supposedly, Teddy is a big family man. It’s no secret that life on the road takes a toll on wrestlers and I’d imagine the expenses pile up in a hurry. Having a wife and newborn at home obviously factored into Dibiase’s refusal to renew his contract. Home life probably deteriorated his motivation and attention to detail in WWE as well. Traveling nonstop when you could be at home bending the wife over washing machines and kitchen counters is a tough wager (especially when Hornswoggle & Khali are being featured more prominently on television). Those who are fiercely committed manage to balance family and profession evenly… does that make Teddy a bitch or a homebody?
5) Ted’s sole TV appearance this year was a win over Michael McGullicutty on Superstars back in May… Coincidence? I think not. Axle poisons/sets fire to/derails everything he touches.
5.5) Dibiase, Sr. deserves some of the blame. You mean to tell me Pops couldn’t pull any strings amongst Vince & Co.? Absolute father fail on his part.
Waves of excitement rolled in when SummerSlam concluded and we realized a new super faction had risen. Any inkling of a ‘Rebels versus The System’ angle stirs significant buzz amongst wrestling diehards and the Attitude Era comparisons usually aren’t far behind. It became evident right off the bat that WWE and their writers were throwing every resource into The Authority’s mounting stranglehold on the company. Has the IWC remained supportive and optimistic though? SkitZ notices a shit ton of people who’ve since jumped off that bandwagon and pointed their pitchforks towards Triple H; accusing the COO of burying readymade stars and resorting to his old habits. While Hunter’s motives are always a bit sketch, you’ve gotta hand it to the slimy bastard. His super stable’s improved the WWE product in several key departments and I’m here to highlight them. Dolph Ziggler isn’t wreaking any benefits but that’s what happens when you treat Twitter and side interviews as venting forums. Yeah yeah you’ve been booked unjustly… We get it. Grow a set and stop trying so goddamn hard to be trendy.
They’ve made Big Show bearable (pun intended).
If you’ve read my past columns, its common knowledge that I often relate parasites from a dirty river creeping up my urethra to watching Paul Wight wrestle – no fun for anyone. TBS has taken a recycled storyline from five years ago and really thrived within said role. Need proof? Look no further than Monday night when the crowd lost their collective shit for the 500 pounder and a massive “Let’s Go Big Show!” chant filled the arena. The Giant’s finally reacting to his job dilemma accordingly; fucking up Triple H’s agenda and knocking dudes silly. I still don’t wanna watch the behemoth fight Hunter mind you (let alone Orton for the WWE Championship) but it’s a welcomed upgrade nonetheless.
It’s elevated The Shield and WWE’s tag team division by default.
Smarks were skeptical about the trio’s future due to their stagnant booking during the summer months. Those doubts have clearly dissipated however since Ambrose, Rollins & Reigns joined the ranks of The Authority. The Game’s hired assailants went from facing the Uso’s in a PPV kickoff bout to guarding the ring whenever H & Steph are occupying it. Simply being part of Trips’ entourage alone shows how much confidence he has in the young trio. Now granted the seeds have been planted for The Shield to eventually split but all three members are better suited to survive in WWE because of their association with The McMahons. Lol @ Reigns giving Ambrose the stink face as of late. I’m sensing some “Roman Is Not Impressed” memes in the immediate future.
The Authority angle resuscitated Randy Orton from limbo.
Over the course of the past two years, the IWC grew accustomed to singling out The Viper and his pedestrian work as a babyface. Orton’s booking (his whole demeanor to be honest) had remained afloat but to say he was lighting the world on fire would be an even bigger joke than my credentials as a wrestling columnist. You knew it would only be a matter of time before management put together something multi-layered for Randy to munch on. It’s unheard of for a draw of his magnitude to wander around the Creative Void forever. Whether you love Orton or stab his voodoo doll every third Sunday of the month, he’s the focal point of The Authority and possesses the tools to warrant his coveted spot. The dude might cut promos like he’s a Tough Enough participant in the preliminary rounds but we’ll sweep that little vulnerability of his under the mat.
Cody Rhodes has prospered tenfold from The Rhodes Family saga.
While the success rate of his transformation from perennial tag team wrestler to main event level star remains to be seen, Cody currently finds himself in the driver’s seat. If yours truly were working under Mr. McMahon, I’d be more worried about the grooming process backfiring and resulting in Goldust being distinctly more over than his brother. Dustin’s lost a fuck ton of weight and no longer gets mistaken for being a chubby tranny. Goldie brings the passion night in and night out to the point where he’s overshadowing Rhodes. I find it ironic that here Dusty is working tirelessly to position his brother for success at the next level and all eyes appear to be falling on Goldust instead. Nevertheless, The Authority salvaged Cody’s career from the rut he and Damien found themselves in as Rhodes Scholars.
The mega stable consists of so many volatile elements and moving parts.
Kane’s sudden allegiance to Stephanie and The Authority is a perfect example of the faction’s swelling influence. It’s branched out in so many different directions that there’s no set structure to Hunter & Stephanie’s coalition. There’s the golden boy (Orton), the henchmen (Shield), the errand boy (Maddox) and now the controlled monster (Kane). Not to mention The Wyatt Family could be in cahoots with The Authority on top of everything else. The likes of Dusty Rhodes and HBK have also been roped in for added effect. Considering how tame the product becomes sometimes during the less eventful months on the calendar, you figure wrestling fans would be in their glory. Complaints are like pussies though… we all wanna get our licks in.
Hunter is still a narcissistic prick... but he’s far more candid nowadays.
Props to the Chief Operating Officer and how he’s handled himself since screwing over D-Bry at the height of Danielson’s popularity. ‘Burying’ is an exaggerated term amongst our kind. According to a large portion of us, Trips buries anyone who poses a threat to his throne and completely throws them under the bus. I disagree wholeheartedly. Discrediting your own company for self-gain warrants an ego the size of which not even The Game can compete with. All Hunter is doing is blurring the lines between kayfabe and reality. Questioning a Hall of Fame wrestler’s drawing ability or “IT” factor is absurd in theory. Mr. COO is igniting small fires throughout arenas and then fanning the flames (i.e. his job as a villainous TV personality). Trips is acting on our insecurities as fans and wifey handles his slack… among other things.
This marathon storyline will inevitably cement Daniel Bryan as the future.
Doubts continue to pop up regarding Goatface not being “the guy” and it nearly stupefies me into a coma every time. Even above Orton’s resurgence is the overall wellbeing of Daniel Bryan. You could make a case that WWE mapped out this whole Authority angle with the main goal of turning D-Bry into a superstar. Triple H & Vince have been sitting backstage for well over a year listening to the same deafening chants that viewers hear on a weekly basis. We’re so far removed from the arguments of “Yeah but McMahon doesn’t see money in Bryan” and “The boss only cares about Cena and thinks Danielson is too puny” that it’s fucking ridiculous of people to even mention them on a wrestling board. If either theory were factual, the company and those who run the organization wouldn’t have bothered going through all this trouble just to shove it in our faces.
In my fifteen years as a rasslin’ fan, I’ve yet to see a breed like D-Bry come along. Vinnie Mac & Co. understood what they had in Goatface long ago and now that the company sees him moving merchandise, it’s full steam ahead. Otherwise why would Bryan get away with insulting The Authority each week? Or be booked to floor Hunter during a PPV main event? Or force Shawn Michaels to tap like a bitch while nobody came to HBK’s rescue? Bryan’s reclaiming the WWE Title at ‘Mania… you can bank on it (no offense, Sandow).
Hmmmm I guess seeing as how today is Halloween, a holiday greeting of some sort is in order. Just whatever happens, make sure nobody slips you any scopolamine while going door-to-door for candy. I’ve heard some fuuuuuuuucked up horror stories.
TMR_ Satisfaction Notwithstanding
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