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Posted in: Wrestling Rainbow
By SkitZ
Sep 28, 2017 - 11:36:39 AM


Welcome back to the column that engages readers despite its lack of ring experience - Wrestling Rainbow.

As promised, I‘ve returned with another half dozen eggs laid by various stars who suddenly got scrambled while speaking. It happens to the best and worst of wrestlers but none of them are safe from scrutiny in said series. I’m all fired up to watch these dudes burn under the harsh spotlight that is the public eye so without further ado, let's continue down this slippery slope of mic mishaps and see who else takes a shitter.


When You Realize the Weight Room Didn‘t Do Squat for Your Confidence

Scott Doring stumbles out of the gate while talking to Don Coss who’s once again saddled with directing a stuttering stallion through a promo. The interview never hits its stride and when Scott hands the reigns over to his partner Brady Boone, things get bumpier than a 205 Live match. I’m amazed Doring’s actually able to rotate his neck at all seeing as how he doesn’t have one. Vanilla midget #2 is even less convincing on the mic and I’m suddenly reminded of two football jocks fumbling through a presentation on English literature.

Boone tentatively throws some threats and verbal jabs at their rivals while Doring attempts to fade into the background; his head slouched in shame. Scott appears ready to bail at a moment’s notice as Brady delivers his lines with as much conviction as a Tough Enough contestant. Coss then finally steps in and spares us of this tiresome dialogue. The best part however is when the camera cuts to a woman sitting in the crowd who totally no-sells what she just witnessed.

Booker Rating:

When You Draw a Blank and Need Help Filling It In

I’ve always found it rather ironic that a guy as bland and boring as Orton has arguably the most exciting finishing move in WWE. Speaking of irony, look no further than this 2013 promo where Randy accuses Sheamus of begging for support… right before completely forgetting his line and asking the Irishman for a quick reminder. It’s hardly subtle as Orton goes from criticizing the ginger one second to a prolonged pause and then randomly blurting out “BIG SHOW‘S MINE TONIGHT”. This of course comes right after quietly communicating with Sheamus off mic but the exchange is still pretty audible (even without the huge captions in the video above).

Despite his robotic delivery, something clearly didn’t compute on this night. I’m just gonna assume the promo Orton had planned was so monotonous that it lulled Randy into a sudden state of sedation. You figure his veteran instincts would’ve kicked in at some point though. Orton literally could’ve walked up, said “hey your boot’s untied” and hit the RKO when Sheamus stupidly looked down. But no, he pleaded for a hand job instead. You disgust me, Randall.

Booker Rating:

When Your Mind Wanders and It Leads to Nowhere

This promo’s like a paper cut to the skull; not enough to do any real damage but it still leaves you scratching your head. The Bushwhackers - or Sheepherders in this particular instance - were always too preoccupied showering the microphone with saliva to ever cut a clean promo and this one’s over before you can really soak it in. Those 30 seconds are a goddamn mess though.

First off, Tony Schiavone is conducting this “interview” and the less said about his mullet/pedostache combo the better. The same goes for Johnny Ace lurking in the background who’s belonged there his entire career (preferably out of sight and out of Vince‘s mind). Butch is then handed a mic and begins babbling about Starrcade… I think… before apparently running out of nonsense to say. A feeble “USA” chant breaks out which Butch tries using as a distraction while drifting off stage and the segment abruptly ends there. I think the comments below the YouTube video sum it up perfectly; the best being “I thought this channel died”.

Booker Rating:

When You Mistake the Date of An Important Life Event

Given how critical folks have been of his last couple performances, I won’t be too harsh on The Undertaker. This is but a minor blooper compared to most of the other spoofs in my series. His numerical error during the lead-up to WM28 however does deserve mentioning for a couple reasons.

With fan’s perception of Taker shifting in recent years, he’s become the godfather of part-timers and thus fudging the date of an upcoming event just makes The Deadman seem increasingly out of touch. And since when has WrestleMania ever fallen as late on the calendar as April 21st??? Taker in all of his infinite wisdom should know the schedule better than anybody. Therefore we (yes you, dear reader) relish the opportunity to give someone as untouchable as Undertaker the finger poke of doom for being wrong once in a great while. What I find funniest however is when us wrestling nerds get so offended by such a trivial mix-up that we treat it like a life partner forgetting our wedding anniversary.

Booker Rating:

When You Confuse a Live Promo for a Pre-recorded Interview

Sid viciously kills kayfabe on two occasions in this WWE countdown (#s 1 & 10 if your attention span is that short). The first of which being his infamous botch on RAW while being questioned backstage by good ol’ JR. I love how calm and collected Sid appears while listening to Ross but goes straight into panic mode as soon as he jumbles his opening lines. Who knew using a word like ‘skeptics’ would befuddle the big man to the point of asking for a do-over; followed by JR classically informing him “We’re live, pal”. Vicious apologizing and trying to save the promo tops it though.

Then we have Sid’s incident on Nitro where he fired insults at The Outsiders and somehow roasted himself. If you ever needed a reason why it became cool to cheer the heels, just watch this segment. Sid starts off by claiming Nash’s half the man he is which makes sense I guess even though they’re roughly the same size. Unfortunately, Sid’s previous sentence loses all credibility when he accidentally lets it slip that he only has half the brain. Meanwhile, Hall and Nash are in the ring hooting it up like a New Day segment. Couple that with the ridiculous mask Big Kev’s wearing and you can’t help but laugh at Sid’s expense.

Booker Rating:

When You Get Tongue Tied Because Some Punk Cut Yours Off

Well it only seemed fitting to finish off with a Booker T promo. Lord knows there’s piles of material in that department (I mean this is the dude who botched the Happy Birthday song for LMAO‘ing out loud). I decided to go with Book’s stint as SmackDown GM when he filled in as managing manager of RAW for an evening. His first mistake being the decision to interrupt CM Punk a mere week after losing the WWE Title to The Rock. Punk tells him to hit the bricks and it sounds like Booker just got smacked in the back of the head by one.

From what I gather, Mr. T came out to offer the former champ some advice about facing Johnson. And in typical Booker fashion, this promo would’ve been much better suited taking place pre-Rumble; i.e. before Punk had wrestled Rocky. If only I could locate this segment in full because Book ends up digging himself a trench by the time he’s done. Feel free to send me a link if you find the whole promo floating about cyberspace.

Booker Rating:


My six cents: More of today’s WWE roster should take notes from the rejected poster boy of their Cruiserweight Division. That’s right... I’m talking about the purple brand’s Drew Gulak whose political pursuit of a better 205 Live would’ve been realized weeks ago if people stopped interrupting his PowerPoint presentation. The man has grand ideals. Let him preach!


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