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Posted in: Wrestling Rainbow
By SkitZ
Sep 21, 2017 - 9:19:29 AM


Welcome back to the column that’s content with hurling a gag reel of word vomit at you - Wrestling Rainbow.

The quality of today’s promos vary as much as an old episode of Nitro. Certain wrestlers cut them with explosive delivery while others approach a live mic like it’s a lit stick of dynamite set to blow up in their face. CM Punk could drop a pipe bomb on any given night; Cena still can when he’s feeling inspired enough. Then of course there’s guys who really would’ve benefited from sitting in on those Dusty Rhodes promo classes down in NXT. Some were rushed through the process (which is why Roman sounds like a ventriloquist doll perched on Vince‘s lap) but the bullet point I‘m trying to get across is that they‘re hit or miss. We’ve seen notable names nail a bulls-eye one week and completely whiff the next because each crowd and situation is different. That’s what makes watching them fun and sometimes unforgettably awful.

With this being my fifth stint on LOP’s Main Page (not exactly the type of record a wrestling columnist should be touting), I decided to honor five-time World Champion Booker T who’s title win during the Invasion angle we’re just gonna ignore. The Hall of Famer’s later career as a color commentator has led to some hilariously butchered lines which Michael Cole and Corey Graves never fail to give him shit for on RAW. So in honor of Book’s general debauchery, I thought we’d relive a dozen-ish of my favorite promo blunders which more or less cover the spectrum. I’ve rated each one on a 0-5 scale using my soon-to-be-patented Booker botch meter.


When You’re Put on the Spot and It Ain’t in Your Repertoire

On the flip side, this is why I’ve grown to love 205 Live. With the cruiserweights having their own show to speak of, the roster is given a platform to be more vocal and that means cutting in-ring promos on a weekly basis. As a result, I feel like the heels of the brand especially have been able to boost their collective profiles (Neville, Tony Nese, Drew Gulak, etc.) over the past ten months.

Before the CWC’s success spawned a Network spin-off however, high fliers like Kalisto found themselves in no man’s land. Hence why drafting him to SmackDown in the 2016 Brand Extension made perfect sense. Sticking a microphone in his face backstage right after the announcement went public? Ehhh not so much. While I’m sure the former US Champion saw said platform as the perfect launching pad to do a “good Lucha thing” on the blue brand, he totally face planted during the impromptu promo above. In just 35 seconds, Kalisto buried himself way deeper than WWE management ever could.

Booker Rating:

When You Think You‘re a Star but Reality Says Otherwise

The WWE Universe always has their sights set on the emergence of new stars and by 2013, I was among those who had gravitated towards Titus. Fans felt O’Neil could rise to the occasion if he just dropped the dead weight that was his tag partner Darren Young. Eventually the company caught on and pulled the Prime Time Players apart… only to push them back together when things didn’t go according to plan. Once PTP split for good though, Titus was given another shot on his own and air balled; the worst attempt being this promo.

Coming out of a commercial break, O’Neil launches right into his spiel and slips up like he stepped on a banana peel. It’s as if Titus stared into the hard camera for too long and the little red dot erased his memory. By the time he gets back on track, your train of thought is already somewhere else. O’Neil is an energetic dude but there’s a reason why the Titus Brand hasn’t yet left the station and it starts with the conductor.

Booker Rating:

When Your Wardrobe Malfunction Makes It an Even Bigger Mess

Here we see Luger storm out of his locker room where some wimp (i.e. wanna pimp) is waiting eagerly with a microphone in hand to find out what Lex has in store for Ron Killings at the upcoming Superbrawl Saturday show. An event the Total Package totally forgets the name of but it kinda works if you view this as more of a side gig for Luger after working Manias and countless Starrcades.

Lex is so over-the-top though that his promo loses all seriousness and quickly turns into a landslide of hilarity. Even the interviewer struggles to keep a straight face; especially when Luger gets heated to such a degree that he rips his shirt off. The guy was still ripped at this point however (he hadn’t eroded into The Cryptkeeper yet) and struggles mightily to undress himself. Next thing you know, Lex is full on wrestling his t-shirt and it ends up being the best Luger match we’ve seen in ages. Lex is even more pissed once he’s finally untangled and ends the promo there in hopes that it doesn’t go viral but the internet never forgets.

Booker Rating:

When Your Nervous System Becomes the Center of Attention

When Stoney Burke’s given a few minutes to talk himself up and Pacific Northwest Wrestling, he loses his way and makes the mistake of admitting so aloud. It actually works in Stoney’s favor though as Don Coss, who’s clearly quicker on his feet despite being much older, helps steer Burke back on solid ground. Stoney stumbles a bit more as he brings up the guys who’ve come through Big Time Wrestling in the past but can’t recall a single name to blurt out. The shaky promo improves as it goes along but, considering Burke’s brother-in-law is Jesse Ventura, you think he’d be far more outspoken.

I can sort of relate to a lesser extent though. Despite being the class clown during my high school years, I had a serious case of stage fright and remember once telling my buddy to throw a Blow Pop at me mid-presentation just to divert everyone‘s attention from my awkwardness. Public speaking isn’t for the faint of shart and I’ve nearly crapped myself on a couple occasions.

Booker Rating:

When You Mutter a Bunch of Broken Brilliance

Whether debating the war on Iraq with a Harvard graduate or solving mathematical equations too complex for any ordinary human being, Scott Steiner is the definition of unintentional comedy. His promos during the dying days of WCW and TNA in particular spawned a slew of Steiner-isms that gained Big Poppa Pump a sizeable cult following over the past two decades.

Tis’ a shame we were saddled with such a watered down version of Steiner throughout his WWE run because the dude was a waterfall of outlandish and offensive slurs everywhere else he worked. From putting splinters in FAT ASSES to coining the phrase “Vinny Viddy Vucchi“, the linguistic lothario constantly had to dumb himself down to our lowly level (keep in mind he comes from a highly educated university). During these uncertain times in our country‘s history, I wish Scott Steiner would restore order… by tweeting more often.

Booker Rating:

When You‘re Feuding with The Brain but Can‘t Match His Wit

With Heenan passing away recently, I wanted to pay The Weasel homage by including him in today’s column. That proved more of a challenge than I expected though seeing as how Bobby always knocked it out of the park on the stick. Therefore I had to settle for this promo from his old rival Ken Patera who swings for the fences like a blind bat. After being whipped like a red headed stepson by The Family, Ken is oh so upset and lets the whole world know it one screwed up syllable at a time. Mene Gene impressively contains his laughter while Patera warns Heenan what’s gonna happen when he’s in full gear (despite the fact that Ken’s standing there in plain sight wearing his wrestling boots and tights). Ahhh Kurt Angle on the mic he was not.

Patera really hammed it up in this promo however and his entire beef with The Family was covered in tremendous detail by LOP’s own Mizfan who’s been documenting The Brain’s career in the Columns Forum for almost two years now. Do yourself a favor and check out his awesome ongoing series The Life & Times of Bobby Heenan. Mizfit also wrote a tribute piece honoring the wrestling legend which can be read by clicking this link.

Booker Rating:

Volume II is on its way but in the meantime, feel free to recommend any other botched promos that fit the bill. Perhaps I can stretch this concept into three or four installments. Roman isn’t in the second one which will undoubtedly please half of you and piss off the rest. Should Reigns be included or excommunicated altogether?


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