Taste My Rainbow - Smudging WrestleMania XXX With My Dirty Fingerprints
Nov 28, 2013 - 5:44:04 AM
Smudging WMXXX With
My Dirty Fingerprints
Happy Turkey Day, my fellow gluttons. Welcome back to the column that spits out more readers than it swallows - Taste My Rainbow. If you’ll recall, I considered this route originally before condemning it moments later. However I’ve been plagued with nostalgia recently and it’s gnawing away at me somethin’ fierce. Remember DaveyBoy? How could you not? The dude only cranked out about 9,057 fucking columns between 2002 & ’09. Those who used to sit by their laptops every Tuesday evening around midnight with erect curiosity and wayward appendages will confess… the Aussie was a huge traditionalist. Each November, DaveyBoy would flirt with prematurity the Wednesday following Survivor Series and boldly predict the WrestleMania card four months in advance. And while the relentless bastard often missed the mark worse than Joanie Laurer’s plastic surgeon, his ideas always generated discussion.
Therefore in a conceited effort to keep with tradition and recapture some of that lost magic, I’ve unveiled my own vision of ‘Mania below; in guesstimated computer form. Hopefully, we can pick up where Davey left off and make it a Main Page staple yet again. Huh? Does SkitZ have a backup plan?? That’s like asking if a vagina burps when it’s full… Of course I have a backup plan! It’s called sweep that shit under the rug, cry dementia and start over from scratch.
Booking WM30 (A Lesson In Shruganomics)
Yours truly had a bitch of a time sculpting this card exactly into what I wanted. I’d roughly compare it to completing a 500-piece puzzle underwater while on lifeguard patrol; absolute suicide mission. I labored over my lineup for days and the column itself just a few hours. Interchangeable parts are a major pain in the prick (just ask my transgendered roommate). Bits of me tempted desire but I managed to stuck by realism til’ the bloody end.
Perhaps the biggest unknown detail hinges on whether the pay per view is four hours long as per usual or if WWE extends the shoe to five for the special occasion. WrestleMania XX fell somewhere around 4:22 if memory serves me correct (cue internet scan). As for the total number of matches, I gauged it by this year’s event. The company had difficulty fitting their nine scheduled contests onto the broadcast so I begrudgingly limited myself to the same amount (with a kicker thrown in for the less fortunate souls). Prepared for the final draft? Take a gander then.
Oh and my sincerest apologies for the lack of William Regal, ChrisBear… I prayed it wouldn’t come to this.
The Undertaker vs. John Cena (No Disqualification Match)
Shocker, eh? Not only is my girlfriend shooting me disapproving looks while I type this but the entire IWC’s at a collective standstill. The likelihood of said dream match actually happening feels less probable than Ryback securing a PPV victory (or better yet, a contract extension). The Deadman’s seemingly vanquished every viable threat to his throne besides the Franchise Player. Daniel Bryan has other obstacles to plow through first and Sting is now merely an afterthought; a cunt fart in the back of Vince’s
baked potato mind. Finding a mega star who can conceivably blemish Undertaker’s 21-0 record is half the battle.
And coincidently enough, Cena’s proven to everyone with an important opinion that he can withstand five other opponents inside a locked cell, monsters, giants, Mexicans, a wigger gimmick, the boss’s over privileged son-in-law, the self-proclaimed best wrestler in the world, our new healthcare bill, a monogamous relationship with Nikki Bella, eight years of nonstop hazing, multiple surgeries, Hurricane Sandy, the Cuban Missile crisis, the 2012 Baltimore Ravens defense, a Nickelback concert and STILL prevail when the outcome looks bleak. So who better to contest the streak on April 6th? Cena wouldn’t necessarily need to end it mind you. Any excuse to get the fans’ panties in an uproar is motive enough. By all rights, this is your show closer – no questions asked.
Seriously though, you Cena detractors ought to shy away from the word ‘never’. The swerve still has a pulse!
Brock Lesnar vs. The Rock
Hey unless it’s a naked group activity, try and keep the groans to a minimum. I’m not exactly doing cartwheels across my front yard either. This bad boy shouldn’t kill your mood though. For starters, I’d much rather WWE pursue this option as opposed to Lesnar/Taker. Been there, done that a handful of times. At least with Brock/Rock, their paths have only crossed once before and said showdown occurred over 11 years ago. From the company’s viewpoint, there’s simply too much money lying around and too many shitty disses for Dwayne to saddle Heyman with. Don’t be surprised if WWE’s Twitter feed at the bottom of the screen spontaneously combusts and sends Kevin Dunn into a panic attack.
We can expect an abundance of ____cep flexing, plenty of Johnson jawing with the Paulrus while Lesnar hovers awkwardly in the background and an avalanche of media coverage. More than Octomom, Casey Anthony and the Wesboro Baptist Church combined. Neither celebrity needs the ‘W’ per se. But if everyone opens their Pro Wrestling Logic handbooks to Page 78, it’s pretty evident which egomaniac would leave NOLA triumphantly. Rocky did the job at WM29 and whoaaaaaa wouldja look at that… Brock’s on a little winning streak. Do the math. With some luck, you’ll finish solving the problem shortly after this match has run its course.
Randy Orton © vs. CM Punk vs. Sheamus
(Triple Threat Match for the WWE Title)
To those folks glaring at the giddy Irishman as if he’s some clingy third wheel in this equation, I completely understand. The ginger’s blinding white, recycles lines from awful foreign comedies and frankly has no business being in the ring with these two at WrestleMania. Would you really be that astounded if such a scenario played out though? Besides, there were rumblings in regards to Orton/Sheamus at WM29 and now the dirt sheets are constantly buzzing about Orton/Punk at WM30. I’m simply combining the two for the sake of space and sanity.
We’re basically clueless as to when Sheamus will return and where his loyalties lie. Given that the Great White & Hunter are tighter than a butthole backstage and Sheamus has grown uber stagnant as a face, I’d lean towards villain. I guess in the grand scheme, it’s irrelevant. But I’m sensing this is the year Punk finally adds 'Royal Rumble Winner' to his resume. We aren’t yet sure if the company plans on unifying the World Titles or pulling the ol’ switcheroo but by hook or crook, I suspect The Viper will survive that exchange whereas Cena slips up early in the New Year due to a far greater challenge. Then suddenly, the WWE Championship picture becomes clouded around Elimination Chamber and The Authority inserts Sheamus (to the approval of nobody outside Europe).
Triple H vs. Daniel Bryan (Street Fight)
While I refuse to teabag D-Bry’s future success as a World Champion, it’s becoming more and more apparent that Danielson won’t be competing for gold at the show of shows. And you wanna know what’s fucked up? I honestly believe facing Trips instead will be of greater benefit to Bryan in the short term (granted he wins). Goatface has already reached the mountain top twice since August and thus getting the strap back around D-Bry’s waist isn’t as time-sensitive as it is in Punk’s case. Besides, the YES! Man going toe-to-toe with The Game is already a monumental leap forward from defending Tag Titles against Ziggler & Langston the year prior. Danielson’s massively over so he can easily keep himself occupied with H while Punk enjoys his moment in the sun and then D-Bry takes the hardware off Mr. Sobriety next summer.
On the other side of the scale, WWE abandoning the Hunter/Big Show beef overnight makes me nervous. Like your-chick-missed-her-period-and-just-burnt-through-60-bucks-in-pregnancy-tests nervous. If management stretches the payoff to H/TBS until April, so help me God... I may sidestep watching WM30 altogether. At this juncture however, Mr. COO can’t ignore the pandemonium building around Bryan and I’m hopeful Trips will choose to leech off D-Bry’s momentum instead of meddling with the alternative. Danielson needs the rub and Hunter’s no stranger to bending over for the greater good at WrestleMania. The storyline is still set up perfectly for Bryan to cave in the walls around The Authority.
The Shield vs. Bray Wyatt & The Family
(Six Man Tag Team Match)
Despite his unyielding promos and heavy push, Bray is somewhat of a chode. If we’re grading people on overall skill, I’d argue he’s fourth (or perhaps even fifth) out of the six young guns on display here. It’s funny that management will likely be separating The Shield after ‘Mania and endorsing the Wyatt bunch as WWE’s premiere trio when there isn’t a penguin’s chance in hell of duplicating what Ambrose, Reigns & Rollins achieved this year. The comparisons are almost laughable. Nevertheless, each team provides a unique dynamic for this type of environment and I’m totally unconvinced that one of the factions needs to display protagonistic tendencies. At the risk of sounding clichéd, the match sells itself. You’d assume this would serve as a coming out party for Reigns but he might be so well established by then that it’s Ambrose & Rollins bashing opportunity like a piñata. It’s their spotlight to steal.
The jury’s still out on Bray’s bearded trolls. Luke Harper appears to be learning on the fly but the company’s long term investment in Erick Rowan remains uncertain. Monster athletes don’t tickle the underside of VKM’s penis like they once did so if it ever came down to limited roster space (i.e. one spot left), I’d pick Seth Rollins over Rowan without blinking. In other news, I have a hunch Robbie McAllister from the Highlanders shaved his head, abused some growth hormone and later returned to WWE as Erick Rowan. The resemblance is uncanny.
Cody Rhodes © vs. Goldust (Title versus Career)
Ah the sibling rivalry we’ve been eagerly anticipating since WM28. If the stars do in fact align this go-around, I say the Rhodes Brothers don’t make it much farther than the Rumble before miscommunication (or a swerve) derails their family bond and title run. Will management tear a page out of the Matt/Jeff playbook from half a decade ago or offer us something purely organic? Based on Goldust’s dark past, the seeds are planted for something sinister that’s truer to life than the Hardy Boyz’ blood wars of yesteryear. And don’t worry it’s not an incest angle (c’mon I’m not that far gone upstairs). You may have noticed the stipulation I tacked on in the header. Kind of vague, right? I decided to keep the title’s identity nameless because, depending on what happens with the Cena/Orton unification nonsense, it could be either the United States or World Heavyweight Championship up for grabs.
Which means yes – I believe this feud could contain enough heat to justify the involvement of a major title. If the big gold belt is meant to survive this WrestleMania season, I’d turn Cody and hand him the hardware somewhere along the journey. Enough dicking around; give the kid a legitimate shot and see if he sinks or swims. Goldust returned to the company in hopes of carrying his little brother up the card. If Goldust (who’s at the top of his game right now) fails to elevate Cody and the whole experiment blows up in their faces, WWE will have validation that Rhodes Jr. can’t hack it as an elite performer. At the very least however, doesn’t Cody deserve a chance to silence his critics? He already sawed off the pedo-stache... what more must a man sacrifice!?
Kane vs. Alberto Del Rio
No need to raise your voice at me. I am well aware of your disdain for both characters in their current form. These are two marquee names whom belong on the card but simply don’t fit anywhere else. The drive behind booking this match stems from switching Kane back into a fan friendly role. I can’t picture Corporate Kane lasting longer than 3 or 4 months. Fans aren’t stricken with disbelief over Jacobs’ transformation... they’re restless with boredom. One can only hope Undertaker runs into Kane after resurfacing and summons the monster from underneath the suit with a timely pep talk.
Initially, I had Orton/Punk/Sheamus structured as a Fatal Four Way which also included ADR but after some painstaking deliberation, SkitZ began to wonder if the IWC could handle another title match with Berty in it. At the expense of riots ensuing and innocent lives being lost, I ultimately decided against it. Winning this 1-on-1 encounter could prove to be a nice rebound for Del Rio. Goddamn Cena and his perpetual steamrolling (THE BLOOD’S ON YOUR HANDS, JOHN). The beauty of this match lies in the Creative Team who could conjure up any half assed reason for these shmucks to trade blows and it’d work. Kane could fuckin’ cough on Del Rio’s carne asada in the cafeteria and blamo – shit would get personal in a hurry.
Real Americans © vs. Big E Langston & Mark Henry
vs. R-Truth & Xavier Woods vs. Rey Mysterio & RVD
(Four Corners Elimination Match for the Tag Team Titles)
What’s WrestleMania without a clusterfuck? When speaking in broad terms about the global phenomenon, you’re bound to find a match that sneaks its way on the card with more bodies accounted for than a holiday dinner party. The idea of SkidMark betraying Langston and challenging him for the Intercontinental Championship caught my attention at first but upon closer view, it repulsed me. Nobody should be subjected to such a tragedy so I chose to feature Chocolate Mountain as a cohesive unit instead. Cesaro & Swagger seem best equipped to unseat the current champs which is why I have the Real Americans slated as the titleholders heading in. Truth & Woods are a flashy, interactive tandem with fresh appeal so I figure they’ll be showcased at WM30 in a smaller capacity.
And to any readers who wanna castrate me for omitting the Usos, you know as well as I do that veteran stars will receive the nod from management nine times out of ten. It’s not a knock on Jimmy & Jey (who’ve made tremendous strides within the tag team division). Reality is WWE can’t wait for Mysterio to debut a new movie-based costume. I mean Rey Rey only competes at WrestleMania once every three years due to health issues so they’ve gotta strike while the iron’s hot. If the online reports concerning Van Dam’s contract are accurate, it’s a 3 months on/3 months off type deal. So according to said pattern, RVD should be returning in early January and disappearing from television right after ‘Mania. This match is my solution.
Bella Twins vs. Lita & Trish Stratus +OR+
AJ Lee © vs. Mickie James (Divas Title Match)
If I were calling the shots, the Geek Goddess would be defending her butterfly belt against a formidable female when WWE invades NOLA. The company loves teasing the twelve of us who still monitor the Divas Division by occasionally posting interviews on their website with former employees like Mickie James & Victoria. Even though women’s wrestling is a few days away from flat lining in WWE, I’d still mark the fuck out if either lady resigned with the company. I wouldn’t even flail my arms in protest over a short term deal. All I request is a small pat on AJ’s back
side for the shit she’s trudged through since capturing the title from Kaitlyn. I often imagine a scenario in which Lee loads the entire Divas roster onto a school bus, rigs the gas pedal and drives them all directly off a fucking cliff. Do you experience similar visions? Would company officials be wiser to clear the dry/erase board and start from scratch?
But ohhhhh those Bella’s. Which cracks have their influence seeped through backstage? It’s nearly impossible to write off Brie & Nikki when they’re promoted tirelessly on WWE television. You couple the rising popularity of Total Divas with them being bumped off the card last April and the predictability of Twin Magic snagging ring minutes at WrestleMania XXX skyrockets. If we’re weighing the positives too though, is it so farfetched that Trish & Lita could compete opposite of them? After all, it’s the thirtieth anniversary of ‘Mania and brining in two of WWE’s greatest Divas historically would give this cat fight instant notoriety ('credibility' is a bit of a stretch). Surely, Stratus has dropped the baby pooch by now.
[WM30 Kickoff] Dolph Ziggler, Kofi Kingston, Tyson Kidd
& The Usos vs. Damien Sandow, The Miz, Ryback,
Curtis Axel & Fandango (10 Man Tag Team Match)
I’m digging this angle with Ziggler and Sandow beating each other silly like a married couple every week. If the company’s hierarchy were thinking ahead of the curb, they’d segue into an eventual truce between the bitter enemies and form a comedy tag team. With Brodus Clay & Tensai on the verge of turning heel, the division can afford it. What you see here is a hodgepodge of wrestlers who’re fully capable of earning real estate on the main card but, based on 2013 trends, could be fucked worse than Evan Bourne in a pot field. I’ve taken the liberty of drawing a diagram:
Dolph has obviously pissed off the wrong assholes in the locker room, Sandow’s reeling from his monumental briefcase blooper, The Usos are glorified hype men, Miz isn’t responding well to his mid-career crisis and the ex-Paul Heyman guys have lost more steam than Mae Young’s fun bags. Meanwhile, Kidd & Fandango would be thrilled to land on the pre-show given their rocky years respectively (not to mention it nets both Natalya & Summer Rae a bonus paycheck). Ignoring the urge to book Goldberg/Ryback was quite the struggle I’ll admit. Something about Big Bad Bill squashing Shefzilla in 20 seconds or less at WrestleMania just warms my cockles. Between Goldberg not cooperating with WWE on his new DVD and Ryback’s steep plummet however, it’s beyond pointless to speculate.
Invitations That Were "Lost" In The Mail
Big Show ~~~ We’ve heard the 500 pounder’s colleagues praise him up and down on radio shows, DVDs, etc. It’s fucking adorable. Can we start inching the giant towards a Hall of Fame induction and retirement then? Like as soon as possible? Yeah its doubtful TBS joins the Class of 2014 but I’m keeping my fingers crossed that Wight
suffers a career ending injury while porking his wife spends his night in a skybox answering Josh Matthews’ asinine questions.
Chris Jericho ~~~ Did Hunter’s "you couldn’t draw a dime" insult leave a lasting impression on Y2J? Or is the first-ever Undisputed Champion comfortable enough with his legacy to realize Trips name dropped him for storyline purposes? Jericho’s Twitter account suggests otherwise. Jobber duty be damned, I’m willing to bet the Fozzy frontman is still sour over his shaky WM29 performance with Fandango and hassles Vince for an appearance. (Just promise us no concert)
Christian ~~~ Keep in mind that Captain Charisma hasn’t been spotted on WWE programming since The Shield beat him senseless back in September (at The Game’s behest). Is Reso on an indefinite vacation? Or might there be plans for Christian and other forces to exact revenge on the Hounds of Justice come WrestleMania? Veterans don’t normally miss this date on the calendar. This journeyman not only welcomes defeat with a smile but he increases the value of everything he touches. Double this dude’s salary so he can eat a sandwich or two and survive the winter.
Wade Barrett ~~~ I have more confidence in the health of my seizure-riddled dog than Barrett’s career prosperity. The wiry Brit apparently lacks certain intangibles because the company treats him like a credit card loan they can’t escape. Do you sense any urgency on WWE’s behalf to rush Wade back? Fuck no. You’d swear they book Khali with more incentive than this walking cum rag. The Barrett Barrage is in ruins.
"X" Smarks The Spot
You know the drill, dorks. I’ll lay down a couple questions and readers can either leave their submissions in the comments section below or email them to me (SkitzLOP@aol.com). After reading every entry sent in, I shall determine a favorite and that individual will be awarded 350 words of literary freedom to abuse in the next TMR; the only criteria being he/she keeps it wrestling related. There isn’t necessarily a right or wrong answer here so don’t go all college thesis on me. Just nut up and exercise that keyboard.
I. – Thanks to today’s subject matter, my hands are sorta forced this week. Not a problem though. This should lead to interesting results. ..
[Lemme hear what you’d propose for a WrestleMania XXX card.]
II. – When did you forsake the Orton/Cena saga?
d) Never; it’s the bee’s knees
Offer insight while your food digests.
"This isn't how it was supposed to be.
The crowd falls silent. The announcers have that expression of complete horror. I look up to them like a deer in headlights, no, exactly like one. My opponent is there, motionless. This isn't planned. The referee has fallen over in disbelief. I could hear it now from the big guy that you don't do shit like that, but it isn't my fault this time!
I yell to them that I'm confused as much as they are, but the anger and frustration is getting to them. The referee isn't doing anything. Is this a dream? What is happening?
The referee walks toward me finally after what seems like an eternal nightmare. No one is coming to help. He's still motionless. The referee says nothing at first, then performs the three arm raise. Good. Maybe this is what he wanted. Silly guy. Okay, okay. Calm down. He'll get up. I know he will and then tell me what's happening next.
One... arm down.
Two... arm still down.
Three. The bell rings as his arm remains down. I look in disbelief as the entire crowd prepares to treat me like a common criminal. The referee just leaves, not saying a word. I can barely hear an announcer. I didn't win anything! This is...
My opponent stands up as if nothing is wrong. He looks mad, but he slowly stands and gets out of the ring. The crowd is steaming mad and now I stumble my way out. I don't dare try to do anything to them. But... this isn't right.
The next day, I hear it all over. How he was robbed. How I must be getting pushed to the moon. They don't know what really happened. Hell, even I don't know what happened... but it worked.
So begins my career as the villain.”
TMR_ Satisfaction Notwithstanding
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