Taste My Rainbow - S/Series '13: Failure To Meet Our Silly Demands
Nov 18, 2013 - 1:09:34 AM
S/Series ’13: Failure To
Meet Our Silly Demands
We’ve reached the midway point of November which means not only are your nuts creeping towards the anus for shelter but Survivor Series is right around the corner. Now generally, the aged pay per view is welcomed with open arms for its mega team appeal and imprint on fast rising stars. Yet here we are just a week away and how many traditional elimination matches have been announced for the event? Zero. As in none. As in “Shit did we forget to throw one of those in?”. As in “Maybe nobody will notice?”. As in “We totally understand why you’re frustrated. It’ll be documented and tossed in the incinerator tomorrow”.
And to compound the problem, WWE’s supplemented these shortcomings with reheated garbage; the type that’s sure to cost them buyrates and thousands in DVD sales. I probably shouldn’t be so critical but it’s like dangling a plastic bag full of baking powder in front of Sunny… too fun to resist. As for now, the card is headlined by:
--Randy Orton © vs. Big Show for the WWE Championship
-- John Cena © vs. Alberto Del Rio for the World Heavyweight Championship
-- CM Punk & Daniel Bryan vs. Luke Harper & Erick Rowennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn…
FOUR HOURS AND 27 MINUTES LATER
Fuck my bad for fading out there. I had a rough Sunday (watching football and whatnot). It had absolutely nothing to do with the cancer-like toll this year’s S/Series has taken on me. Alright maybe that’s a lie. As a matter of fact, SkitZ is downright dreading this show. So much so that catching it on First Row Sports is about as enticing as paying off my student loans. When it comes to management’s intentions and expectations for the once-beloved PPV, your guess is as good as mine. If WWE’s efforts in putting together said card were measurable, they’d currently be weighed down by ten tons of horse shit. Therefore, I’m brushing their half assed attempts aside and promoting my own card. Behold a lineup that remains true to the original premise and offers continuity across the board.
John Cena vs. ADR vs. Damien Sandow (Triple Threat Match for the World Title) >>> Following his breakout performance on RAW a few weeks ago, Sandow’s been discreetly swept under the rug ever since then and I hate it. Like Movie43 hate it. There’s still a decent possibility Damien interferes during Cena/Del Rio and this whole thing comes full circle but excuse me for expressing my concerns. A three-way should’ve been the next logical step in the process… WWE’s either prolonging the inevitable or they’ve sidestepped it completely. Take your pick. My biggest objection here being where the hell does Damien fit on the card otherwise? Another meaningless dark match? We’ve witnessed so many reruns of Cena/ADR that it’s practically a sitcom by now; a repeat I have no plans of watching again. Stop placing Sandow on the backburner when he clearly belongs at the forefront.
Daniel Bryan, CM Punk, Big Show & The Usos vs. The Shield, Luke Harper & Erick Rowan (Five-on-Five Tag Team Elimination Match) >>> The only potential deal breaker here is featuring Jimmy & Jey in favor of The Rhodes Brothers. I’d argue that Cody & Goldust have withstood The Authority’s influence and prevailed to a lesser extent. Why bother with beaten enemies when there are new challengers for the Tag Team straps ready and waiting? My scenario showcases The Wyatt Family but also protects Bray (who can observe from the rocking chair all he wants because I’m largely unimpressed), Big Show is buried in a multi-man bout where he’s not nearly as much of a drag on the evening, our heralded indy darlings even the score and The Shield are kept in the spotlight.
Randy Orton vs. Big E Langston (WWE Title Match) >>> What are the chances I can sell you on this? Comical given how the company’s made Big E lay down for every Joe Shmoe since turning face not that long ago (a huge red flag for starters). Despite his aspirations of midcard gold being temporarily dashed, Langston was still treated as a viable threat on RAW… and then management began whoring him out to the likes of ADR & Orton; clean losses to boot. I would’ve scripted Big E to upset Randy in their recent TV bout. That aligns Langston for a title shot in the near future and, more importantly, forces Big Show to seek purpose elsewhere come S/Series. I don’t care how over the 500-pounder appears to be at the moment. The only thing I even remotely consider ‘over’ in regards to TBS is his career. Doc’s apathy towards Paul Wight is 100% justified. Yeah I understand Orton needs a formidable opponent to keep him strong/occupied until ‘Mania season rolls around. But goddamn… there’s about fifteen fucking candidates I’d place ahead of you, dude. And that just covers the regulars on Main Event.
Dolph Ziggler, Kofi Kingston, The Miz, Tyson Kidd & R-Truth vs. Ryback, Curtis Axel, Wade Barrett, Fandango & Mark Henry (Five-on-Five Tag Team Elimination Match) >>> I know I know. The Blonde Perm captaining anything at this stage is a cruel joke. The key issue there is singling out a worthy leader besides Zigglesworth from the squad I’ve assembled. Nonetheless, you’ll notice how this 5-on-5 melee consists of many individual feuds and guys with beef in general. I added Bad News Barrett & SkidMark to the mix because they should both be earning their paychecks instead of dicking around at home (also because I found myself running out of wayward midcarders). Admittedly, I buckled and included The Miz but you know how that goes… as long as MTV remains relevant – wait it’s not? whatsoever? – Hmmmmm. Well fuck so much for my theory. Replace Mizanin with Ryder then.
Cody Rhodes & Goldust vs. Real Americans (Tag Team Title Match) >>> As the weeks fly by, it becomes increasingly evident that Cesaro has no business being burdened with Swagger & Zeb. Colter provides some nice comic relief and Jacky whips out nifty counters on occasion but Antonio is in a different league. Unfortunately (in terms of Claudio’s momentum moving forward), I definitely wouldn’t be shocked if it were the Real Americans who stripped the belts from the reigning champs down the road. Cesaro could be stuck in the tag team scene thru WM30 before he’s freed from the anchors shackled around his ankles. Until then however, I’m psyched for what these four are capable of collectively (besides a competitive game of Twister you idiots). Despite not really having any prior, The Rhodes’ chemistry has grown leaps and bounds in less than two months. Couple that with Antonio & Swags’ ability to deliver with the right opponents and it’s a recipe for sticky fingers. By the way, why isn’t Zeb a member of the Duck Dynasty cast? That’s like Rey Mysterio traveling without a first aid kit.
AJ, Tamina, Summer Rae & Aksana vs. Bella Twins, Natalya & Eva Marie (Four-on-Four Tag Team Elimination Match) >>> Alright maybe it isn’t an ideal situation. And I realize the women in NXT could easily deliver a gutsier performance than these eight broads. But hey why not look at this from a more opportunistic approach? For instance, I bet there will be plenty of opportunities for you to see Nikki & Brie fail at vocally summoning pops from the Boston audience. And I’m almost positive the opportunity will present itself where Eva forgets which corner she’s supposed to tag out of. Plus, don’t be surprised if Aksana enters the ring and you automatically check the MUTE button on your remote control… only to discover that the volume on the TV hasn’t changed a decibel. Poor AJ. She’s a shark in a tank full of blowfish.
[Kickoff/Pre-Show/Crowd Foreplay] Los Matadores & El Torito vs. 3MB (Six-Man Tag Team Match) >>> How fucking thoughtful am I? Lowering myself to cover unaired hogwash. Ahhhhh SkitZ leaves no man’s behind. Management has mustered a shitload of matches out of these feuding stables since Diego & Francisco’s debuts. Why stop at too many? We add a new wrinkle with the horned midget (not a ‘Swoggle reference I assure you) legally competing along with all three members of the Job’s Country Tour. Rey & Sin Cara can watch longingly from a backstage monitor as they’re benched for brownies with half the botch susceptibility and twice the athleticism.
Done. Proofread, print and fax it to WWE headquarters on the double. See how quickly we banged that out? Yet Vince and his cronies have hardly lifted a finger over the course of three weeks. That’s six major programs and less to show for them than a rapist with a skin allergy. Lazy bastards the whole lot of ‘em.
Stuff To Distract Ourselves With In The Meantime
How many countries will AJ Styles defend the TNA Title in before the company runs out of travel coupons and frequent flyer miles?
You realize Warrior was slated to be on the cover of WWE 2K14 originally, right? (Hint: Neither party could agree on a dollar figure)
While we’re on the subject, tell me The Shield aren’t badass enough to warrant their own video game franchise…
Why wouldn’t Vince hold WrestleMania 31 in London? If only our American crowds cared that much.
How the fuck is WWE management supposed to take Barrett seriously when the guy can’t even keep his work visa up to date?
What network is IMPACT on again?
Who else wants to see Hogan return in April for WMXXX!?
.....................Maybe we’ll do a recount later.
LOP reported that AJ collapsed Friday due to dehydration. Are we ruling out stress from carrying the Women’s Division on her back?
Paul London speaking ill about Triple H? That’s newsworthy? More like a natural occurrence.
Remember when the boss’s daughter used to throw her assets around like Mardi Gras beads? (sigh)
Soooooooo moral of the story here is
Splurge your money on TLC instead.
It’d be a wise investment. We’re likely witness the triple threat I alluded to above (Cena/Sandow/ADR), Big Show & H finally come to blows, Ryback become an even bigger laughingstock and a multi-team ladder match if Christmas comes early. Everything involving Survivor Series thus far has been an XFL-sized disappointment. I can’t imagine either RAW or SmackDown will dramatically alter that perception. If it’s a dull weekend and loyalty starts clouding your better judgment, by all means give it a go. Just don’t waste an evening’s bar tab on S/Series because the results won’t be nearly as adventurous or floaty.
"X" Smarks The Spot
Not a horrible turnout by any means but I thought it over and giving somebody a “paragraph-sized window” is pretty fucking vague. So let’s try this a second time, shall we? Yours truly will lay down a couple questions and readers can either leave their submissions in the comments section below or email them to me (SkitzLOP@aol.com). After reading every entry sent in, I shall determine a winner and that individual will be given 350 words of literary freedom to abuse in the next TMR; the only criteria being he/she keeps it wrestling related. There isn’t necessarily a right or wrong answer here so don’t go all college thesis on me. Let the pitter patter begin.
I. -- Do you agree with Kassius Ohno’s release? He didn’t have a squeaky clean image in NXT but when people mention the top independent wrestlers (CM Punk, Bryan Danielson, Samoa Joe, Claudio Castagnoli, yada yada), Chris Hero’s name often pops up in that discussion. Did the company make a mistake? Will they regret terminating Spradlin’s contract before testing him out on the main roster?
II. -- Corporate Kane is the ____________ of beer brands.
a) Miller Lite
c) Corona Extra
d) Natural Ice
e) Alternative Beverage
Please explain coherently.
"How's it going, LOP Universe? It's me, Crodus Blay, the dyslexic brother of WWE's resident Funkasaurus (not really). I don't know about you guys, but as a forward-thinking member of society and fully functional human being, I'm just ecstatic for a country-themed episode of Raw to lead us into what is shaping up to be a delightful Survivor Series pay-per-view. To ensure that Monday Night Raw continues to find success with their always sports-entertaining "theme" episodes, here are a few "one night only" concepts that I came up with, inspired by "Raw Country"...
1) Raw Ghetto - In a special episode LIVE from Brooklyn New York, shit gets real, cuz. Although the show would serve as an apology for all of the strong racist undertones seen in "Raw Country", this episode would still have some memorable moments, such as JTG and Coachella's Hologram Tupac winning the tag team championship, a blackface version of Santino's Cobra, the return of New Jack, and John Cena overcoming some sick rhymes in a Freestyle Rap Battle (Royal). In addition, the main event would be a HUGE "Crips vs. Bloods" lumberjack match, as Snoop Dogg takes on Lil Wayne. Weezy would go over, but only because the IWC is always complaining about the lack of blood in WWE programming.
2) Eddie Murphy: Raw - Are you ready to laugh? He might not be as funny as Jerry Lawler or El Torito, but you better believe that Eddie Murphy is bringing the zingers when he hosts a HILARIOUS edition of Monday Night Raw. (If Murphy and Perfect jr. don't team up to form "Curtis Axel Foley", this episode will have been a waste.)
3) Raw Goes Logical - For ONE NIGHT ONLY, the WWE Universe actually gets storylines that make sense! WATCH as Daniel Bryan's main event spot isn't taken from him by a certain 7-foot fuck who is less over and is only cheered when he steals the "YES" chant! MARVEL as the one-armed World Heavyweight Champion is actually hindered by his lack of a limb! SIT IN AWE as you don't change the channel to Monday Night Football, because this is the best episode of Raw you've seen in years! I know that this one is a bit of a stretch compared to my other "theme" concepts, but a man can dream, can't he?
TMR_ Satisfaction Notwithstanding
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